I’m (17m) a pretty laid back guy. I was always a good kid and my parents oldest so that meant they always treated me more like a mini adult than one of the kids. There were comments from loads of family members and family friends about me being “mature” and “so mature for my age” being the one I hear all the time even now. For a while I didn’t mind because I loved my family and I told myself they really loved me too and that was all that mattered. But it started to hurt when they always expected me to go without or to give something up.
Whenever money’s tight they spend less on me to make sure they can still spend reasonably on my siblings. Last year I got a $5 gift card for a candy store and I was extremely limited in what I could get for that gift card. Another year they got me sweatpants and a hoodie in the thrift store and they forgot to make sure it was okay because there were s**t stains inside and outside on the sweats. Another money but not gift example is we eat out pretty often. My parents like to get us to take it in turns to choose where we go. Whenever money’s tight they’ll let all my siblings have their turn and ask me to skip mine and skip eating out that way none of my siblings feel like they missed out by waiting longer to let me have my turn. The other money thing is after school activities. If my parents wants to save money they ask me to skip for a few weeks so they don’t have to pay for me. They never ask my siblings to do the same.
Other times they do it is when we’re running tight on time when we go somewhere and my parents will ask to skip where I wanted to go so all my siblings have their chance. This happens when we have other kids with us too and I’m always last and first/only to sacrifice going where I wanted to go. Other times if there’s a clash of events they’ll choose to skip mine to make time for others be it my siblings, cousins or someone else in the family.
A good example of this is when I was younger my mom insisted we should all learn an instrument, something she got over with the cost, and I was actually pretty decent at piano. So I was in a recital and the teacher was saying how important it was. But one of my sibling was asked to play their instrument for the choir and my cousin had a football game and this cousin invited us personally and my aunt (dad’s sister) expressed how important it was that as many show as possible. So mom went to my siblings choir and dad went to the football game. Nobody went to my recital.
Taking turns on picking stuff happens for a few other things, like dinner on Fridays (unless it’s a birthday then the birthday kid gets the choice regardless of turns, mostly) or where we go/what we do for family bonding time. And just like with ordering takeout my turn gets skipped if other stuff comes up. If they have friends over. If we get busy and siblings complain about waiting for their turn too long. If they want to go somewhere really bad and whine about a different choice. The thing is nobody ever sacrifices when there’s somewhere I really want to go.
I told my parents after last year’s birthday that it hurt my feelings that it was always me who got less or sacrificed and nobody ever offered to do that for me. I told them it made me feel like I didn’t matter as much and they were like no, you’re our most giving and kindest kid and you’re a good son, brother, cousin and stuff. And I brought it up a couple of weeks later and I was hugged and told they loved me and of course they didn’t want me to feel that way. Then I tried a third time after a few more weeks and my siblings whined over my choice of family time. I told my parents I was starting to think they weren’t serious about not wanting me to feel less cared for. I think I tried three more times with no results. I talked to my siblings too and got nowhere with them which wasn’t a huge surprise.
So last time one of those times I was expected to be passed over I said no when my parents asked if that was okay with me. They were so sure of my yes it didn’t register with them at first and then it did and I was asked why I was being difficult. Why was it such a problem this time and to remember my siblings are younger. They said I’m so mature so they know I understand and I said they take advantage of that mature stuff and I’m tired of feeling hurt when they pass over me all the time. They couldn’t believe I’d accuse them of that.
But am I wrong? Things have been tense since and by not taking back my no I pissed off my whole family (including extended family).
Comments
Being the “mature one” doesn’t mean you should be treated like you don’t matter and standing up for yourself isn’t wrong, it’s overdue.
Just stop engaging. Don’t go to family bonding events, don’t go out for dinner. Spend your time doing what you want and start giving them back the energy they give you. They’re used to you making them feel comfortable in their mistreatment by rolling over. Make it uncomfortable for them, make them feel guilty. They should. Tell them you’re putting yourself first because no-one else does.
Next time they ask you, where you want to eat for your birthday, tell them to not worry as it’s not worth the effort to think what should be skipped in the end.
Based on your account, it seems reasonable for you to stand your ground. Your parents are not doing their other kids any favors by giving into them. A parent should be valuing their kids equally and should be giving resources to their kids equally.
I’m the eldest as well. At age 8, we are expected to sacrifice. And when our youngest siblings are 8, they are treated with kit gloves. 🤦🏼♀️
Start thinking about what will make you happy and adult. Look around for educational opportunities and training that will get you where you want to be.
You could keep a list of all the times they’ve placed other people’s needs before yours. Write down the dates and times along with what they did. Hand them that list when you move out.
NTA and the parents will wonder why OP doesn’t go out of his way to help/keep in contact later in life. Or put in any real effort.
Just start planning your escape you could tel them directly that you only have to sacrifice for 1 more year and you won’t have to deal with their favoritism. You should also call it out for favoritism and when they said you choose this tell them they coerced you into saying yes. And point to what happens when you say no
NTA bud, look 17 is still VERY much a kid and your parents are being awful here. You actually wanting something for yourself, when everyone else gets things is not “being difficult”. Little tip, parents use the term “mature” for their oldest, as a way of guilting them to sacrifice for their siblings.
You’re NTA. But the good news is you’re almost 18 and there is a wide world out there.
Go to college (if you can) or get a job after high school. Save up and move out. And don’t look back. You need to focus on yourself and your well-being, so when they inevitably call you asking for money or to watch the kids or whatever, just say no.
Even better if you can move far away.
Good luck, OP. Your parents objectively suck, but hopefully there is light at the end of the tunnel.
NTA. Get away as quickly as you can. Love them from a distance.
NTA tell them you are the mature one and you’re still being mature. It’s perfectly okay to not want to be the forgotten one in your family. Don’t back down
Time to quit being “mature” and start throwing tantrums and being a jerk because that’s apparently what gets results.
Here is the thing. They are telling you what they think you want to hear, but their actions show their words are lies. You are nearly 18. Then you can walk away. They are clear with their choices what matters. You’ve tried talking over and over and over again. It is not going to change because they dont want to change. If it mattered to them, it would change.
Keep saying no, especially when they’re in their 80’s and ask you to care for them. That’s when you can let them know they’re mature so you know they understand why.
NTA. You are expected to keep the peace and make them feel less guilty. So do the opposite. Remind them that you haven’t had your choice. Why should you be the one always making the sacrifices?
Tell them you will soon be an adult. You will remember how they treat you for the rest of your life. They have a very short window to change their behaviour, or they risk losing their relationship with you forever.
NTA if I were you I would stop any sort of interaction with them your a year from being 18 so you can get a job and move away from these toxic parents
Boy, are they going to be surprised when you leave and go no contact.
You’re not wrong. This was exactly the dynamic in my family. I’d ask mom why I was the one who had to eat shit and she’d tell me because I’d “understand”. There’s a reason I moved first 90 minutes and a ferry ride away, and later 1200 miles.
Your still a child at 17. Your parents should not be demanding you to sacrifice for everyone else.
You are right to stand up for yourself. They refuse to change.
Stop engaging with them. Do not offer help or give them a pass anymore. Remind them you are choosing yourself from now on because nobody every chose you.
Get a job and a get out ASAP. You deserve to be treat like everyone else.
Nra. They are responsible to treat yall right and as equal as they can. Just stop engaging with them and in events. My parents treated me the same way. And it continued to my kids. Best thing ive ever done was cut them off.
Kids are matures due to trauma. Its been proven. Show them those studies.
What your parents are doing is so wrong. This makes me want to cry for you. Please accept a virtual hug from this internet stranger.
Maybe get a job earn some money and use it to set your self up or do things you actually want to do
NTA but you gotta realise that your parents straight up don’t care about you, man. You’re the least favourite child and your better off getting out as soon as you can.
It’s fine to be a laid-back person, but people don’t expect it when you sit straight up. They took you for granite. You have nothing to apologize for choose yourself.
They’ve taken advantage of you under the pretense that you’re mature, and yes, what they’re doing to you is a form of abuse. From now on, behave like an immature 17-year-old. You’re within your rights!
Your parents are useless. Im embarrassed for them and sad for you. Good luck with life, and dont wait for anyone to ever give a shit.
NTA. A coercive yes is the same as a freely given no. They’re just “asking” so they can validate neglecting you and put the onus of it on you.
NTA. Do your own thing. It definitely isn’t fair so start doing what YOU want to do. You are nearly an adult and will be doing a lot more on your own.
Time to start putting yourself first if they can’t.
Learn that no is a complete sentence and refuse to partake in the molly coddling of your siblings at the expense of yourself.
Enough is Enough! I can’t believe they bought you a shitty tracksuit from the thrift store and didn’t even have the decency to wash it!!!!!! That’s just a kick in teeth.
Save your kind heart and maturity for yourself
NTA
Your parents use ‘mature’ as code for ‘having no needs ‘, which is a lie they tell themselves to feel better.
So show them what ‘mature’ really means and plan your exit strategy, and do so openly.
If they complain tell them that they’re clearly shown they do not care for you unless they get an easy put, so you’ll remove yourself from the equation as soon as you can so they don’t have to bother anymore to pretend to care.
Don’t get loud, don’t argue, don’t get sucked into having to defend yourself.
Make plans with your friends instead and be elsewhere. Don’t expect them to show off for your stuff, don’t even tell them anything anymore. Focus on yourself, leave for your own outings with friends, remove yourself from this situation as much as possible, and don’t let them sick you into arguments. Don’t answer when they get started, just grey rock them, that’s something you can look up how to do, then turn around and do what you’ve planned for yourself.
Ice them out like an adult would do, and if they ask, tell them as much. If you’re too mature to be allowed to have feelings, you’re old enough to leave them behind.
They’ll either snap out of it, or you’ll cut them out and leave as soon as you turn 18.
Nope, NTA.
If you’re struggling to get your kid a birthday present, skip eating out, which apparently you do regularly, to get them something more than a £5 gift card that couldn’t really be used.
Your siblings will have to learn at some point that whinging and moaning won’t get them something they want. They are allowed to be upset, like you are. They will appreciate their turn when it eventually comes.
They quickly went from ‘your so mature/understanding’ to being called difficult because you want equal treatment because they are so used to sacrificing your wants and needs. It’s not like you had a choice in being born first or how many kids they had after you.
NTA but stop trying to reason with them. All through your post I kept thinking 1 do your parents love you? Their actions do not support that. 2 Why the frack are your parents not the one sacrificing for all their kids.
My best advice? From now on everyone they do it loudly tell “frack you, I know you don’t love me” When they say oh but we really do love you tell them to save their lies from now on you are only listening to their actions.
Start making your escape plan. Go to college, get out of there and never look back. Never ever sacrifice for your family again. You can bet if you get a good career they will try to leech on you and expect you to sacrifice for them. Your siblings will try it to, since that is the pattern they know.
You have been kind and understanding too long. Wanting to have your choices and important events isn’t selfish, it’s fair and your siblings are being taught that whining gets them their way. Setting boundaries is mature. Hugs to you.
If you can, get a part time job and spend as much time out of the house as possible
Work weekends.
Work nights
Always be working when they do family outings
If they confront you over working all the time, tell them you are just being the mature adult they raised you to be…and this is what adults do. They work
NTA When I was a 17 year old senior, my bff was experiencing a similar situation as you are. She got a job, and moved in with my family for her senior year. If you have a friend whose family will welcome you with open arms, I would move out asap. Get a job if you don’t have one and start saving now for your future. It sounds like your parents will not be giving you any help, if they are gifting you $5 candy card and stained thrift store sweats. People giving those kinds of gifts don’t have the money to send their other kids to extracurricular activities, etc. Shame on your parents; you have tried to tell them how you feel and point out their favoritism and it fell on deaf ears. Break ties so you don’t have to continue to feel taken advantage of and worth less than your younger siblings. Make sure those siblings know how much better they had it when they ask why you no longer are around.
I am so sorry you have to deal with this and I don’t think your parents would be open to family counseling (they wouldn’t be able to pay for it, that will always be their excuse) but you could ask one final time prior to moving out. I hope you have good friends to rely on.
They are spoiling the younger children by giving in to them all the time. If they don’t make the others wait their turn even when it’s your turn they will never grow up. Your parents are not only bad to you they are bad parents to all of the kids
Ask them why it’s so important they ruin what’s left of your childhood when they have plenty more time to ‘make up’ things to your younger siblings. Or did they forget you were a kid deserving of their ‘ideal childhood’ too?
NTA Write a list, keep it simple, factual and with dates on all the times you’ve been/are being skipped over and expected to suck up neglect.
I hate that, “Oh, you’re so mature for your age,” crap. It means you’re so used to making yourself small that you didn’t get the chance to act your age. To be a kid. And that is horribly unfair to you. It leaves scars. It sets you up to be exploited.
Get loud. Make it their problem. Make them uncomfortable. You shouldn’t have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Make sure other family knows. If they don’t step up and support you, be prepared to walk away from them. Get a job, move out as soon as possible.
You have value without needing to sacrifice your wants for someone else. You deserve to be heard and treated fairly.
NTA obviously. But your parents are massive AHs
I’m the oldest too, and I get it. The whole oldest kid syndrome is real. I feel like my parents always expected me to be the responsible one, and it felt like I was an assistant parent instead of a kid sometimes. You just need to keep your ground, you’ve been taken for granted for too long.
When they call you immature, thank them. Literally thank them.
“Thank you! I would much rather hear that than how mature I am. Now I actually feel like one of your kids and not the sacrificial lamb”
NTA
Use your maturity to learn skills: cooking for yourself, washing, fixing little things, driving and finding a job (This can be babysitting or helping an older neighbour too). Buy the things you want from that money and make sure your parents stay away from that money. Prepare yourself for your own future. Because it sounds that you will not get the help, support and change from your parents you want from them.
You’re absolutely being brushed aside. I agree that you should start distancing yourself. Immerse yourself in friendships and finishing school, then hopefully you can move away for post secondary. NTA, your feelings are valid.
You deserve to be someone’s first choice, and leaving this family behind (at least until they unlearn their abusive behaviors—this is abuse; classic parentification of a minor) may be your best chance to find that someone. They don’t deserve your loyalty.
edited for punctuation mistake
They are going to be wondering WHY when you eventually go NC, and live your life doing only what YOU want to do. They have been extremely unfair, always making you the one who has to do without or do with less. How many months until you turn 18 and can escape?
Updateme
nta I’m sorry they’re neglecting you like that.
I am also the oldest, and this is common.
I never even asked for anything, knowing my parents didn’t have the money.. I gave up a lot.
My parents never seemed to even notice.
I am not sure there is anything you are going to be able to do.. they may never understand.
But you might be the most successful in your family, because from an early age you needed to figure stuff out yourself.