My brother (30M) and I (25F) got in a bit of an argument about family heirlooms. He got engaged recently, and he gave his fiancée one of our family heirlooms as engagement ring.
Our family had those heirlooms for many decades, if not centuries for some of them, and I think that out of respect for our ancestors we should pass them down only to our children (or blood relatives if there are no children). He thinks that it doesn’t really matter, that I care way too much, it was just convenient to already have a ring available for him. His fiancée doesn’t even wear it because it’s too big and valuable…
To me it isn’t about blood family being more important than the family you form, I’m married myself and my husband is the most important person in my life, it’s just about remembering our roots and honoring our family’s traditions.
I also don’t think that spouses shouldn’t be able to use them, it’s more about ownership. My mother used some of those heirlooms for example, but she never considered them hers, as they are from my father’s family, and she stopped wearing them after they divorced.
Also before anyone asks, I didn’t say anything about this to his fiancée, she didn’t do anything wrong and I definitely don’t want her to feel bad for something that is out of her control.
So, AITA for saying this?
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My brother (30M) and I (25F) got in a bit of an argument about family heirlooms. He got engaged recently, and he gave his fiancée one of our family heirlooms as engagement ring.
Our family had those heirlooms for many decades, if not centuries for some of them, and I think that out of respect for our ancestors we should pass them down only to our children (or blood relatives if there are no children). He thinks that it doesn’t really matter, that I care way too much, it was just convenient to already have a ring available for him. His fiancée doesn’t even wear it because it’s too big and valuable…
To me it isn’t about blood family being more important than the family you form, I’m married myself and my husband is the most important person in my life, it’s just about remembering our roots and honoring our family’s traditions.
I also don’t think that spouses shouldn’t be able to use them, it’s more about ownership. My mother used some of those heirlooms for example, but she never considered them hers, as they are from my father’s family, and she stopped wearing them after they divorced.
Also before anyone asks, I didn’t say anything about this to his fiancée, she didn’t do anything wrong and I definitely don’t want her to feel bad for something that is out of her control.
So, AITA for saying this?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. The action I took that should be judged is confronting my brother about the fact that he gifted one of our family heirlooms to our fiancée. I think that they should only be given to blood family.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA no way you can police who gets family stuff like that especially when it’s his ring and his life
like yeah roots are cool but it’s not some museum piece locked in a vault forever
if your bro wants to pass that vibe to his fiancée that’s on him
you gotta chill a bit with the rules or you’ll just end up looking like the heirloom gatekeeper nobody asked for
You are entitled to your own opinion.
Your brother is free to consider his wife family. I hope you do too. The ring is a symbol of marriage.
Nta if she takes the ring and splits (don’t think that will happen at all)
Yta if she marries him and becomes a part of the family because yeah, family heirlooms and stuff are important, but you don’t get to decide which members of the family are considered enough a member of the family to have the privilege of having current possession of the ring.
YTA, he considers his fiancée family and her not being blood isn’t excluding her in his eyes. Would you view any long term partner you have as not family?
YTA. A family heirloom is an excellent way to welcome a new member of the family and will be passed down to children if your brother and his future wife have them. If not, I suspect it will make its way back into the family. Policing this is rude and unwelcoming. It’s likely his future wife will behave as your mother did. Also, out of curiosity, would you behave this way about a child adopted into the family? Think about that.
NAH I get the caution but you really can’t do nothing about. Let it go.
NTA for voicing your opinion, but you will be if you don’t respect your brothers opinion of what to do with his heirlooms.
INFO: Whose ring is it? I personally agree with you, but if grandma left it to him, he gets to decide what to do with his designated family heirlooms, and you get to decide what to do with yours.
YTA. You’re casting negativity on his impending union. If they stay together forever and have kids, the heirloom will be passed down to a blood relative, and it will stay in the family. Your concern that this won’t happen is routed in your doubt of the longevity of their relationship and any opinions on that you should keep to yourself.
YTA
Every generation has new relatives joining the family tree.
YTA
If it’s his to give, that’s his choice. You sound greedy
Yta or at least weirdo. It did belong to your brother (family member) but what else is he going to do with a ladies engagement ring? It would be weird for you to wear it because your husband should buy you your ring. If they have kids it will be passed down. Families don’t grow without including new people!
Hmm maybe your mom never feeling like family stuff belonged to her is related to why they got divorced?
NTA. Who does the ring belong to? The ONLY person that should be giving “out” family heirlooms is the owner of the heirloom or their immediate descendants if ownership wasn’t specified in a will. If your father owns the ring and gave it to your brother then he’s free to give it to his fiancé. I would call your dad the AH in that situation as typically jewelry goes to the girls and women unless the owner specifically hands it off to a daughter in law, and your dad should have discussed it with both of you before allowing your bro to take it.
If the ring is equally yours and his, then he has no right to give it away, as you have equal ownership rights.
If there are multiple heirlooms of equal quality and value, and the ones you emotionally value are still available to you, then I would let this go.
Do you really want this ring for a specific reason?
INFO: who gave him the ring in the first place, and why do you believe you get a say in this?
Your argument hinges on the fact that it’s a “family heirloom”, but presumably your brother asked its actual owner, who then gave him the ring and a blessing to propose with it. Unless you’re saying your brother broke into grandma’s house and stole it or something?
Edit: YTA. The ring isn’t yours to give, and its actual owner doesn’t seem to have your same hangups about married vs. blood relatives. Sorry 🤷♀️
NTA. Your mother gave it to your brother to use. I think your mom is the AH here for not passing it on to you. It’s not even from your mom’s side of the family and your parents are divorced. The ring should have went to you. Your brother is the golden child in your family, I gather.
“Family heirlooms should only be passed to blood relatives”
“This isn’t about blood family being more important”
Girl pick a struggle you’re contradicting yourself three paragraphs in and YTA
Does it belong to him? Or to both of you
YTA – Whew..😬
What about to their child (who is now 50/50 “blood” or grandchild with 25% “blood”)? She is “family” the moment the ring is placed on her finger in matrimony, even if not a “pure-blood” by your standard, Voldemort.
This is what heirlooms are passed down for, and the recipient has chosen a fitting special use which the family member (and recipient) both are probably honored by.
I have a feeling she’s going to have a hard time getting your approval completely unnecessarily, and it doesn’t have to be that way.
YTA for not trusting your families judgment, ie your brothers and mothers. These aren’t royal jewels with historical value to anyone but your family. It’s cool that you care, but it’s even cooler to be a supportive sibling. You are not the arbiter of family heirlooms.
NTA. I have a ring that my great-grandmother brought from Germany in the 1800s and it’s going to whatever future blood-related young woman that seems most likely to care about it and continue to hand it down.
YTA. You said that there are other pieces, so it’s not as if the family vault will be empty if your brother’s marriage should end.
In some divorce cases, family property is returned in exchange for other compensation. But they’re not married yet, let alone divorced, so that’s getting too far ahead.
How very old Skool of you.
YTA. It is his property, he can do what he wants to it.
And if you want to be old fashioned about it you wouldn’t be considered a blood relative any longer in some cultures, you would be your husband’s family’s relative.
YTA
Family includes people you marry. It’s weird to exclude them.
YTA Your opinion is ridiculous and has no bearing on what others do.
“…it was just convenient to already have a ring available for him….” That he didn’t have to buy
NTA
That is why they are called HEIRlooms. They go to your heirs. People who have the same dna. They are meant to stay in the family. Hopefully she will remain married to your brother, and the ring will
pass on to another generation with a wonderful story of how it passed from generation to generation to their child. You are entitled to how you feel. But I would keep it to yourself. You can rest assured that your soon to be sister in law will or has heard about the argument. If he was given the ring to give his fiancée it was his to do what he wanted with it.
NTA
NTA. He should have married his cousin and gave her the ring.
If it makes you feel any better, in cases of divorce family heirlooms are almost always returned to the person whose family they belong to. If they don’t divorce, the ring will go to his children.
I understand being upset, though. Perhaps it’s time to have a discussion with your brother and any cousins about how to divide the rest of the heirlooms. At some point you need to accept that they’ll get divided up amongst the family members and you won’t be able to control where they go. Pick the ones that are your favorites and let the rest go.
I don’t think I could pass down something to a fiancé maybe to my children because relationships break up most don’t but there’s always that possibility and there’s always a chance of losing that significant part of your family history and to me that’s just as important to pass it down the line
YTA
I understand what you mean but maybe come with a compromise and ask for a prenup only on any of the heirlooms pieces that in case of divorce that they are returned to the family
NTA
It IS staying in the family, as his kids will inherit the ring. It’s his ring now, and his wife will wear it, then it goes to his kids or if they don’t have any, back to a blood relative of your side. That’s how these heirlooms are often handled.
YTA. Assuming this is a ring for a woman, unless the original purchaser was a woman, or it was bought for a daughter, and then it was only given to daughters, it at some point was given to someone who wasn’t blood related (like your mother).
opinion entitlement? wow, revolutionary 🙄
Heirlooms , oh, that’s a hard 1.
I was to receive my Great-grand Ma’s beautiful ring . Nana gave to Mum , and then it disappeared.
We were 5 generations.
Lucky, I have my Pappy’s mothers Brooch, so my other Great Grandmother’s. Plus, her husband’s.
1 of Nana’s rings was given to my eldest son to propose .
It was my grandparents’ anniversary ring . Have more for my other 3 children.
Only have 1 daughter, but she’ll get most of my things .
Ideally, they should be kept in the family . But if anything was to happen, they’ll be returned . In my eyes 👀
YTA you sound like your opinion is the only one which matters, which is definitely not true! Hope this helps 🤗
OP, you’re getting downvoted to goddamn oblivion in the comments. Read the room, dude. YTA.
I don’t think blonde people should have first class access to inheritance. I think we’ve moved beyond that. It’s up to the family, of course, but basing inherintance on hair color is beyond the pale, today.
YTA but hear me out. YTA because from what you said, the ring is not coming to you regardless and you stated you didn’t expect it to. It was handed down to your brother and that was the intention behind handing it down, so it can keep moving through the future generations.
HOWEVER, I will also say that if the ring is a special and important as you say, it is, then it should already have been appraised and have paperwork behind it showing proof of ownership, which would stay with your brother and not his fiancé. This would protect your brother in the event of a divorce. He would most likely be entitled to have the ring back due to it being a family heirloom with proof of it being in your family, the generations prior. So while I believe that the ring is your brothers to do with what he wishes with it, I would also just suggest if it has not been appraised and papered previously that you have him do that now
Yta not your ring and it’s still a blood relatives. It’s still his even if she’s using it. And if they have a child it can continue to be handed down to blood relatives
YTA. It’s an engagement ring, if the relationship fashion’s she gives it back if it doesn’t it gets handed down eventually to the next generation either their kids or a family members kids. Get over yourself it’s stuff. People are important not the things
Do they plan on having kids? If so, don’t you think she will pass the heirloom to the kids? Like I don’t see a reason in not having it now if it’s still staying in the family.
YTA.
NTA, I understand what you’re saying and it’s also fairly common for family heirlooms so I’m not sure why everyone is acting like you just committed murder. I think you’re right, it’s meant to be passed down through generations. If they were to divorce and she takes it with her, there goes a family heirloom. It does NOT mean she isn’t family to you. It could’ve gone to one of your brothers future kids (if he wants any) and maybe it will now as it is a bit tacky to take back a gift, so it may end up staying in the family forever. Also just kinda sounds like your brother half asked the proposal by selecting that ring just cause it was available. Couldn’t even bother to get it resized
Yta. It was passed to him, he wished to use it for what it is.
Its not up to police what is his
YTA
Heirloom rings carry a rich history and connection to the giver’s family, symbolizing love, commitment, and family legacy. By proposing with a family heirloom your brother professed his commitment to her in more ways than a new purchase ever could.
More important, a spouse is the family you choose: it is beyond rude to suggest that she is somehow less worthy than yourself to wear the ring. To be blunt, her opinion of the proposal ring matters, and unless the ring belonged to you (which it didn’t), yours does not.
YTA. This is one of those things that is normal & valid to think/feel, fine to say to your spouse, etc. But STFU about it already. The ring does not belong to you.
YTA.
First, your mother gave the ring to your brother, not you. He is also a “full-blooded” member of your father’s family. None of your business.
Second, if it bothers you that your mother gave the ring to your brother without your father’s permission, that is between your mom and dad, not you. Also none of your business.
You’ve given your opinion, now let it go. From now on, stop worrying about whose blood is whose and start seeing your family members as people, not blood. Sheesh.
YTA
Your brother owns that ring and it is his to choose to pass along to whomever he wishes. Whether that is his future wife or his future daughter. What he chooses to do is none of anyone else’s business except his own. He may well have given it to his fiancée with the assumption it will then pass to his future daughter.
Either way, if it is now his then you have zero business to be butting your nose in his family choices.
You’re now married – you’re no longer part of your initial nuclear family if you’re going by tradition. You have now formed a new family and moved on from your original family. Technically, your future sister in law will be joining the family that you have already left…
Are they not gonna create children who will be blood relatives?? 👀 that’s kinda how that goes. Then they hand it down to their children and so on…
YTA. His future wife IS family. This reads like you really just wanted it for yourself and/or your children, but refuse to admit it to yourself.
And why would they not pass it down to their children when they pass? Itd still be in your family, but it really just seems like you’re pissed you didn’t get it for no reason other than you expected it.
Traditionally men proposed with a family heirloom ring
YTA. My fiancé is marrying into my family, my mother gave him an heirloom wedding ring from her favourite grandparent who had the handmade ring passed down to them because they are going to be part of the family, as I will be part of theirs. When you marry someone, you marry into their family, into their blood. You carry their blood, even if not literally, the blood belongs to both of them until and unless the union is dissolved. Your mother and brother seem to understand that well enough.
And I’m sorry, but coming into AITA to ask if you’re the asshole n then fighting with everyone about why you can’t possibly be the asshole makes you even more of an asshole.
ESH except the fiancee.
Everyone has already gone over the reasons you suck, but your brother also sucks for giving his fiancee an engagement ring which she doesn’t want and can’t wear just because it’s convenient for him.
YTA and crazy entitled… the amount of back-pedalling you’re doing in the comments is comical…
YTA
You’re not in charge of family heirlooms.
YTA. Would you also object to an adopted child being given an heirloom, because they’re not blood?
YTA. His property is his property, not yours.
Sounds like it was his, therefore his choice to do with it as he pleases. You control the ones that were left to you.
YTA
It’s perfectly normal to give wives who marry into a family heirloom jewellery. The implication is that they will pass it down to their children who will be blood relatives.
YTA. “Blood” doesn’t even really matter, bloodlines and all that is just ancient nonsense. And it’s his now anyways, and maybe they’ll have children and she’ll pass it on to them? It’s still a family thing, she’s his family.