Yesterday I (23F) argued with my dad (57M) over a basic thing. My parents were out of town for 13 days and I was alone in the house minding my own business.
I cooked and cleaned for myself and took care of the house. I kept it tidy and clean and did the usual housework my mom does (the laundry, vacuuming, buying groceries and basic housecare stuff). I didnt want to spend to much time on housework. I am a new-graduate and looking for a job in the meantime.
Hours before they both arrived I vacuumed the kitchen, corridor, my own room and left two rooms (particularly my dad’s home office, and the living room). Since I didnt step in there and before they went out of town, me and my mom already did a whole house cleaning. They came back and we ate the dinner I made the day before.
Everything was going well while I talked about my days alone I said “I did clean the corridors and the kitchen”. My dad immediately cuts my words in half midway as I am still speaking and says “Why didnt you clean my room, its full of dirt and dust.”
At that point I remembered all the times I had been cut off midway like this and said “That room is your space you have arms and legs, you can clean it yourself.” Which was a rude saying but I wanted him to be hurt and remember this because he said stuff like that to me a lot growing up. I just mirrored what he did back then. And I said this in a flat tone emotionless. My mom never did this to me so my relationship with her is better.
He always gets defensive over the things he did wrong when I point it out to him and want to talk. He always thinks that as a daughter, I should do cleaning, do chores and when I dont want to one time, suddenly I am awful. He says I am disrespectful for speaking up. When I feel bad mentally or tired physically, he says “you are young, get over it.” He says that this isnt the case, but I talked about the issues that bothers me all the time in decent manners and he never seems to care or actually listen and thinks of me as a child despite the fact that I am 23 with more emotional intelligence than him.
My mom, when we talked about this issue, said that I lost my respect for my father and I shouldnt have said this but the truth is that I have talked about how disrespectful he acts towards me many times yet I am ruining the mood for treating him the same. She has to me “If you laid low this wouldnt happen and you did this the day we arrived.” She also acts in the same manner as me whenever my dad steps in her boundaries. I keep finding myself guilty and apoligizing and I dont want to do this any longer.
I am drained and its my first time writing here. I geniuely feel sick of not being understood by them all the time despite trying my best abilities and communicating (not that I hope anything will change). All I ask is for them to see me as my own human being and not their child all the time. Is this exaggeration? Please enlighten me since I lost my spark to reignite this converstion.
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Yesterday I (23F) argued with my dad (57M) over a basic thing. My parents were out of town for 13 days and I was alone in the house minding my own business.
I cooked and cleaned for myself and took care of the house. I kept it tidy and clean and did the usual housework my mom does (the laundry, vacuuming, buying groceries and basic housecare stuff). I didnt want to spend to much time on housework. I am a new-graduate and looking for a job in the meantime.
Hours before they both arrived I vacuumed the kitchen, corridor, my own room and left two rooms (particularly my dad’s home office, and the living room). Since I didnt step in there and before they went out of town, me and my mom already did a whole house cleaning. They came back and we ate the dinner I made the day before.
Everything was going well while I talked about my days alone I said “I did clean the corridors and the kitchen”. My dad immediately cuts my words in half midway as I am still speaking and says “Why didnt you clean my room, its full of dirt and dust.”
At that point I remembered all the times I had been cut off midway like this and said “That room is your space you have arms and legs, you can clean it yourself.” Which was a rude saying but I wanted him to be hurt and remember this because he said stuff like that to me a lot growing up. I just mirrored what he did back then. And I said this in a flat tone emotionless. My mom never did this to me so my relationship with her is better.
He always gets defensive over the things he did wrong when I point it out to him and want to talk. He always thinks that as a daughter, I should do cleaning, do chores and when I dont want to one time, suddenly I am awful. He says I am disrespectful for speaking up. When I feel bad mentally or tired physically, he says “you are young, get over it.” He says that this isnt the case, but I talked about the issues that bothers me all the time in decent manners and he never seems to care or actually listen and thinks of me as a child despite the fact that I am 23 with more emotional intelligence than him.
My mom, when we talked about this issue, said that I lost my respect for my father and I shouldnt have said this but the truth is that I have talked about how disrespectful he acts towards me many times yet I am ruining the mood for treating him the same. She has to me “If you laid low this wouldnt happen and you did this the day we arrived.” She also acts in the same manner as me whenever my dad steps in her boundaries. I keep finding myself guilty and apoligizing and I dont want to do this any longer.
I am drained and its my first time writing here. I geniuely feel sick of not being understood by them all the time despite trying my best abilities and communicating (not that I hope anything will change). All I ask is for them to see me as my own human being and not their child all the time. Is this exaggeration? Please enlighten me since I lost my spark to reignite this converstion.
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> (1) I said “go clean your room yourself” to my father
(2) I might have overreacted and over exaggerated things
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
You are NTA for not wanting to clean his room, but you are kinda ta for being snarky about it.
At the end of the day, you are an adult living in their house. The dynamics of an adult child living with their parents is a complicated one, when you want to be seen as independent while also being dependent. I’m not bagging on you for this, just stating what I see as fact.
The fact of the matter is that your dad is an AH, your mother has coddled him their whole life life together. So you should stop banging your head into a wall expecting it to transform into a door, bc that man ain’t changing.
You’re going to get lots of NTAs! And people are gonna say eff him, that’s crazy, he deserves it, blah blah. But at the end of the day, dynamics of living as an adult with difficult parents is complicated, and I’m of the idea to meet people where they’re at, recognize their limitations and what is possible or impossible, and approach it from the least static-y position as possible. Your dad seems like a ‘rule the roost’ kinda guy. Your mom has solidified that position. You’re not changing that, and any attempt to ‘challenge his authority’ while also living in his house is never going to be successful.
I’m not sure there’s an actual problem here is there? He’s a lazy sexist ass, you should be refusing to do more than your fair share or pander to him just because he’s a man and you’re not, and you are doing that.
Ideally he’d be better, but so long as he’s not then you seem to be responding appropriately.
So, you’re NTA, and there’s probably nothing you need to change.
NTA.
How likely do you think it is that he would have gotten upset at you for disrespecting him if you had cleaned his office, since that’s his space?
You’re 23. Time to leave home by the looks of it.
NTA. Your dad’s expectations were not reasonable and criticizing you for not doing MORE to take care of the house when they were away, when it’s clear you took care of it plenty well enough, is absurd. The timing of this unfortunate conversation is entirely on him. It sounds like he has some bad sexist views playing a role here and that is damaging to you.
But look, the answer is to move out. I can say that regardless of culture, parents whose children live with them in adulthood do indeed continue to treat them like children. The parents own the house, they are the heads of the household, they call the shots / set the rules, etc. and it creates a power dynamic that is very parent:child. As long as you stay there, regardless of your age, you will encounter this.
Your dad probably doesn’t expect you to clean the house because you’re a woman; he’s probably expecting you to clean his house because you’re presumably (bc you have no job) living rent free in his house.🤔
Nta tell both your parents you learn from their example and are just copying the behavior they model for you .
My parents would like me to do a deep clean of the house in that situation. I would not be surprised by that. I would expect the same thing. You are an adult. It would be different if you had school or work at that time. If you don’t like the dynamic you can move out. But it’s not unreasonable for your father to expect you spending let’s say 3 days out of 13 cleaning the house.
Nta never have I been told to clean my parents room while staying at my parents. They don’t clean mine why should I do there’s
Plus they have carpet and the normal vacuum doesn’t really do carpet
Yes, YTA. As soon as you say you’re doing something to hurt someone, that makes you an asshole.
Also, how much credit did you want for vacuuming part of the house once in thirteen days?
NTA. Your mom chose to marry your dad, she yoked herself to a jerk. You had no choice to be born his daughter, so you don’t have to continue to reinforce a bad choice like your mom does. You’re not “ruining the mood” at all, your dad is the sourpuss that everyone has to walk on eggshells around. If your mom is content living her life as a small person, that’s her choice, but you don’t have to do the same.
YTA.
You are right, your dad does not need you to clean his room, he can do it himself.
You, on the other hand NEED to live in his house because as you say, you can’t support yourself. You’re 23 and financially depend on your parents. I don’t know any country where 23 isn’t considered a fully legal adult.
So you need to talk to him in a respectful tone, do the chores he expects you to do while you live at his house for free, and move out as soon as you can.
I’d say NTA first of all. Second of all this type of dynamic is a hard hill to die on of the “treat me like an adult, not a child” while still living at home. I moved out at 22 and when I feel like my boundaries aren’t being respected or I’m being talked down to, I just go home. I’m not responsible for any of the chores or housekeeping in that house and they won’t tell me how to take care of mine so it solved that problem almost completely. I know it’s tough to find an affordable place these days but I’d try to prioritize that to realistically get yourself the freedom you are wanting.
NTA. If I were you I’d see them less and do less for them since they have a history of being disrespectful and unappreciative.
NTA. You aren’t his servant. He can, in fact, do chores in his own room and office. You could always go for malicious compliance. Next time “clean” his spaces so well that he will never find so much as a paperclip or pair of his tightie-whities or even the carpet lint again.
I’ve shared this with others before.
Sometimes the parents you want, don’t exist and won’t ever exist.
There’s a dream version of your parents in your head, you could see how they could become that if they tried.
But truly, some parents will never become the ideal you dream for.
And the moment you accept their reality,, who they actually are,, you will be hit with grief and loss at the death of that dream.
But there is freedom in accepting their reality. Some people just suck as parents. They don’t change until they want to change.
But it’s no fault of yours. Sounds like they both enable the other in their dynamic. You’re old enough to realize you deserve betterr. The sad truth is that you may never get that from these two people.
NTA
NTA, but you’re 23 and you need to consider what you want that relationship to look like for you, for emotional and financial reasons, in the long term.
Is he, for instance, likely to hold it against you financially? Many people talk about their parents just kicking them out one day or disinheriting them.
Do you think you can change him? Do you think you can manage to have a good relationship with him while trying to change him?
Frankly it sounds like finding a working situation and moving out will give you both the space you need to maybe some day have a more mature conversation.
Here is what I understand, your an adult living with you parents, if your not paying rent or utilities or helping with groceries, help the fuck out by cleaning. Me – 57 year old dad…lol