I am a 22afab person that identifies as Transgender.
At 19 I was finally after two years of pain, diagnosed with both PCOS and Endometriosis. They said that the Endo was spreading into my vaginal canal, putting me at stage 3.
Fast forward to now, I’m 22. I had a rainbow baby boy last October (he’s almost 1) and since I have had multiple flares with the Endo. These can keep me bed bound for multiple days at a time with no relief.
I was told recently that it is starting to spread to places like my kidneys and bladder. My OB directly advised me to look into a Radical (total) hysterectomy due to this.
I mentioned this in passing to my brother 20M, not too long ago and he was appalled that I would even do that. Here’s the conversation in a nutshell.
Op- yeah I have to get a hysterectomy soon. The endometriosis is worse than it was before (insert son’s name) was born.
Brother- Wait, you’re going to get your uterus completely removed because of a little period pain? That’s a bit excessive don’t you think?
Op- it’s not just period pain, it’s having tissue growth where it isn’t supposed to be growing. I’m scheduled for next April.
Brother- think about if (insert son’s name) would want a little brother in the future! Think about (insert my husband’s name) and if he wants more kids!
(To note, my husband was in the room with me when my OB advised the hysterectomy and scheduled it. He has any and all his questions about the surgery and my recovery timeline answered for him there and is on board)
OP- well it’s a medical necessity at this point brother, I’m getting it done in April and that’s that.
After this he hung up on me and about an hour after that I got thrown into a GC where everyone was trying to get me to not get a hysterectomy.
I left the GC, only to get brought back into it three more times before someone called me an insensitive asshole to everyone’s feelings and that this big of a procedure should be a family decision.
I muted the GC but checked it to see I have over half of my extended family that won’t talk to me 90% of the time in the first place calling me an asshole for not telling the “family” and getting a group decision before getting my hysterectomy.
Comments
I’m so sorry you have to go through this. Absolutely NTA. Your brother is an immature idiot who doesn’t understand what you’re suffering through. Forget about your family. If they’d rather you be in pain for life they aren’t worth having around anyways.
NTA it’s not their damn business, it’s not their suffering or health at risk.
NTA. This os none of anyone’s business.
It’s your uterus, its none of their business.
NTA at all! You have to put your health and comfort first. Your brother is an AH for thinking he knows what it feels like. Good luck on your surgery!
NTA and nasty of him to think of his own sibling as a baby making factory
Oh fuck that. NTA. This is your choice, OP. Calling endometriosis “a little period pain” is absolutely insulting. I have a friend who can’t go to the toilet without feeling it, because their ovary has grown stuck to their colon; every single bowel movement tugs at the ovary, which I’m told feels “like someone shoving a needle in there and twisting.”
They won’t have to live with the pain, but you do. You’re having a medically recommended procedure that will most likely dramatically improve your quality of life. Everyone having a problem with that is welcome to shut it.
I’m sorry your family is being a bunch of doorknobs. Would it help to explain it to them that your endometriosis is spreading like cancer and compromising your other organs? It sounds like they’re just relating it to period pain, which obviously (/s) can’t be that bad!
It’s major surgery and comes with its own lifelong complications. That their concern is not that, but your future child-bearing status, says a lot about them.
A medical professional who is well aware of the implications of this procedure has recommended that having it outweighs the risks of not having it, that is all the justification you need.
NTA. This is not a “family decision”. It’s yours and yours alone. Not even your spouse should have an opinion as this is a medical issue. Tell your family to mind their own business. They don’t have any idea what you’re going through or how debilitating it is and for your brother to comment about “a little period pain”. How the hell would he know?
I would also ask your doctor if you can schedule it earlier. Why April? It’s 7 months away. Don’t let anyone know the actual date because they will try to stop you.
Tell your brother and all the male flying monkeys that you’re going to kick them as hard as you can in their groin and once the pain starts to subside, you’re going to kick them again and repeat. And for the women in your family, tell them to imagine the worst cramps ever and multiply that by 100 PLUS it’s constant, not just a few days a month so no relief in sight. Or get one of those cramp simulators and crank that sucker up to 11 and ask them to wear it, with that level, for a full 24 hours.
YNTAH, you don’t need your brother most especially any male to determine whether your level of disease/illness/pain/discomfort qualifies for anything! It’s your decision, period! Since you have a child it’s absolutely imperative that you practice self care on a deeper level, your overall health & wellbeing which directly affects your child. Good luck ✌🏼
>Brother- Wait, you’re going to get your uterus completely removed because of a little period pain?
Sorry but he is so incredibly dense and sexist/ignorant, that I would not even bother talking to him let alone listen to anything he has to say.
>Brother- think about if (insert son’s name) would want a little brother in the future! Think about (insert my husband’s name) and if he wants more kids!
Why is he even allowed to talk…? I’m not reading further, better for my sanity.
Either way – NTA and stop listening to people who aren’t your medical professionals.
NTA. At the end of the day it is your body and your health meaning its ultimately your decision. Fuck whatever your brother, family or anyone else says!
And if you do want another child anytime in the future, you can always adopt, surrogate etc. (I know its expensive and complicated but it IS an option).
No. It is not just period pain. It’s a serious medical condition, and this is the best treatment. Even without these conditions, you may only have one child. Multiple children are not guaranteed. Your body, your health. You decide.
Your medical file is none of their business. Would they want you to keep a tumor because “it’s natural”?? Nta.
NTA. When anybody, including random family members, start acting like they have any say whatsoever in your medical decisions, it’s time to start cutting them out of your life one by one. Family like that isn’t worth having
NTA. Ask the people if they got cancer if they would keep the growth?
That is what my friend did.
Because endro behaves like cancer but is not cancer, it cells growing out of control where they shouldnt be.
Did you agree to birth the family’s children from here on out or something??? BC WTF!? That is odd behavior. And quite frankly, creepy. NTA
Cut them off it’s not a family decision they are all selfish and you don’t deserve it
This is no longer open for discussion. None of their business. I would not wait until April if at all possible.
NTA
Tell them come complete your daily functions while you’re immobilized by pain. Bet won’t a single one come care for you and keep your life in order while you are hurt each month.
That’s the family choice. Don’t have a hysterectomy because everyone will be at yours. Cleaning. Cooking. Ensuring your son is immaculately cared for. Neither of you will know need while the family that’s decided your body is their business.
If i were you, I’d draw a tentative schedule from now until April. “So who will be here between the 23rd and 30th of September? I’ll be in the bed. Fetal position. Due to my uterus. Since I can’t get rid of it, I KNOW y’all coming to make sure I’m fed, clean, and as comfortable as Advil can make me.”
Hopefully that’ll get them to stfu. But if not, you’ll have staff during your period until your procedure 😂
NTAH. I think your brother probably misrepresented your conversation to everyone in the group chat so they’re reacting to a much different situation, but the second they agreed that your health should be a group decision they all became AH.
I’d recommend blocking them all for now so they can’t keep adding you to groupchats and harassing you, and give yourself space to grieve about being related to that many morons.
Unquestionably NTA, it’s your body and I can’t even imagine how painful that level of endo is
Brother is wretched and has no comprehension or say so. Period. The second you said endo and PCOS I was like “yup completely justified. Bye bye uterus and everything else”
Trans or not. Those are nightmares. I have them as a cis woman. Nah fuck that. I wish people would do this for me but sadly due to cancer and constant emergency surgeries my torsos nearly empty. If I keep losing organs things like my kidneys can risk falling and that’s dangerous.
Go get that! Save yourself and f all those idiot boys who have no idea what they’re saying 👍
Ewww how entitled can people be to others’ bodies or futures?
NTA. Also AFAB and I had two surgeries now for Endo and the second was a radical hysterectomy as it had progressed to stage 4 and started choking one of my ovaries. You don’t even know that you could get pregnant again.
My doc who finally agreed a hysterectomy was amazing. He told me if I’m in debilitating pain 1 week out of every month that’s 3 whole months in a year and that’s just not acceptable. No one had ever put it to me that way before.
You don’t deserve to be tortured by your body for the faint possibility of future children. I didn’t have any before getting my hysterectomy. There are options for me like adoption and foster care. My quality of life matters most.
Let them know that going forward you want every one of them to have annual colonoscopies and gender appropriate prostate exams/paps. You want the reports, too, because apparently this family believes in communal medical decision-making.
NTA and I was so relieved when I got to the party about your husband being on board.
Fuck all the rest of them (figuratively) and your husband (literally).
Evolutionary men were disposable if he wants to play the women are baby making machines game. Tell him to go work the most dangerous jobs that have the highest death rates to protect women who may end up doing the job because men are disposable.
NTA. Why does he even care??? Like, it’s causing you more harm to keep your uterus. Why would you keep it? You can always adopt if you want more children.
Why would you be the AH here?
By the way, your identity doesn’t matter in this. (Why would you have a baby if you are truly a man?) Your physical health however, does matter. Get the hysterectomy. You’ll have to deal with early menopause, but at least you won’t have what’s happening with you now.
NTA just keep them muted and do what you have to for your health
NTA. Your medical care is not at ALL a family decision. Tell them to F–K OFF. Literally, those words.
Why on earth does anyone other than you get to vote on your health decisions? Maybe the only time I could think of where this could apply is if you were in a committed romantic relationship where you had discussed the possibility of children.
Excuse my ignorance, but as an afab, if you identify as transgender, is that the same as identifying as a man? I just wonder if this is why your family are kicking off and acting in this bizzare way? I mean, either way, their reactions are truly outrageous and it has zero to do with them, im just trying to understand what on earth is going on in their minds.
NTA. How in the world is this a family decision? Does everyone own a share of your uterus? This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
Tell them to get their heads out of your uterus and you’re doing this as it’s first of all none of their business and second of all it’s a medical necessity cuz you’re in horrendous pain to the point where you’re in bed for days because you can’t even move but oh yeah for the sake of maybe having another child which is highly unlikely at this point, you should keep your uterus because you’re young. It’s a miracle you have a child. And that’s great and if you choose to have another you can always adopt. But I guess that’s not what they want to hear. Tell them to F off.
NTA Your body in general, and you uterus in particular, are not subject to general “family decision”.
NTA!!!! So sorry you have to go through this. Your brother is TA! He has no understanding of what normal period pain is like let alone the atrocious pain of endometriosis… he should educate himself before speaking! Your body your choice! It is absolutely not your families business to make such a choice or even be informed. The only person with whom it could be tricky is your partner if they want another child but even then it is still your body your choice but of course I believe you should INFORM (not ask for permission) them of your choice.
NTA It’s your body and your family, sounds crazy, they can go suck a dick. Unless they are there experiencing your period with you in your body, they have 0 say.
Your uterus is your decision. Your family is insane. NTA, and I wouldn’t share any medical information with any of them in the future.
EXCUSE ME?! That’s not a family decision! Fuck their feelings! Fuck anyone’s feelings but your own! Try telling a cancer patient who’s about to get a tumor removed that they should “consider everyone else’s feelings” and see how well that goes!
NTA! Tell your idiot family that they’re being selfish pricks and it’s none of their god damn business! I’m angry for you! Fuck those misogynists! And your brother is the worst! I’m so glad your husband is with you, at least!
NTA, though your brother is. Pain associated with female reproductive systems is nothing a guy can understand. I’ve just dealt with 2 years of health issues caused by that region that left me not at all functional. Luckily it was able to be solved with minor surgery, but I’m in my late 40’s. If I was in my early 20’s and still have 30 years of that, I’d be doing anything to resolve those issues.
NTA – However endometriosis requires the removal of ovaries. Do you want to go through menopause? I had the same issues and had a hysterectomy at 35. The health issues from menopause are not small.
NTA. It’s none of your brothr’s business.
As someone who had to have a radical hysterectomy due to a very similar situation, I’m really sorry your family isn’t more supportive of you. In my mind, it felt like my body was turning against me, and the hysterectomy was really the only option left. They’re acting like you’re just getting one for kicks when you’ve got very valid medical reasons for it.
ETA: NTA at all!
NTA obviously.
Send them pictures of your blood. Send them all the photos.
If it’s a “family decision” then they should see the reality.
Send them your sheets to wash. Better still, have them over to help you when you’re in a flare. Make them care for you. Wash you. Watch you.
Your family is insane. Match the energy.
NTA. Your body, your choice. especially since this is a medical necessity. Who cares about your brother and 90% of your family says about it.
I don’t understand so many people coming at you for needing a medically necessary hysterectomy. What are they some kind of fertility cult?
You and your husband stay strong and don’t let the flying monkeys get you down.
Holy shit. So so so NTA
Your body, your choice. Period.
Other than your health care providers – who you chose and can replace when you want to – the only person who even remotely gets to have an opinion on this topic is your sexual partner and even that is super limited.
Your brother and your extended family are so completely out of line that I want to scream at them to back the fuck off and butt the fuck out and stop being so fucking entitled to presume they are welcome to question your decisions.
NTA. Your body, your choice.
Ofc NTA. The only person’s opinion that REALLY matters is your’s and your doctor’s, and it’s great your husband is on board. Thats all you need. Brother can fuck off with the misogyny.
NTA. Your brother doesn’t understand this isn’t a little period pain, your uterus is basically coating the areas around it in benign tumors. Plus, stage 3 means it is likely already severely affecting your fertility. If a doctor is onboard with you doing a hysterectomy so young (most doctors resist that just to avoid having kids, plus side effects), it’s really really bad.
NTA. I think they need to be sent all the info on the woman who died at 40 because her endo wasnt ever addressed and it destroyed her other organs (because it spreads and is like a cancer). Ask them if theyre ok with burying you at 22 or even 24 and see how they feel about that. I had to have a similar discussion with my dad and brother about BC because i take it to control bleeding (ive been to the ER twice for it before) and had to ask them if they were ok with burying me at 23. They got quiet and said they didnt know it was used for that. Id also ask them if theyre ok with you suffering until you eventually die because they see an organ and non existent children as higher than you. Put them in their place, and make them VERY uncomfortable for saying those things and acting like its no big deal. Endo is very serious and deadly.
NTA first, your family is insane for thinking they should have any say about what you do with your uterus. Secondly they’re major assholes for dismissing your endo as “just a little period pain.” If my family treated me like that I’d be glad some stopped talking to me on their own and go no contact with the rest.
Your brother sounds like an uneducated jerk. You definitely need your surgery, and if you don’t plan to get pregnant, you’ll be fine!
WTF?
Your uterus is a family discussion issue?
Your family is way off their rockers.
You wouldn’t be an asshole if your periods were light and breezy and you had no medical conditions. You’re allowed to get your own hysterectomy – you grew the uterus! You’re allowed to evict it! Tell him to get lost. Glad your husband is supportive but this is totally your call.
Ugh, what a shitty thing for your brother to do. Obviously you are NTA and I’m sorry your family are making this so hard for you. It’s your body, OP, do what’s best for you.
And the petty part of me would do the exact same thing to them any time one of them needs a medical procedure for the rest of their life, no matter how small.
Brother is having a tooth extracted? Better have a group chat to discuss it.
Auntie suddenly gets appendicitis? Ok but that appendectomy better be approved by the entire family.
Grandpa needs a rabies shot because he tried to pet a raccoon? Sounds like the sort of thing he’d better discuss with the family first!
NTA. Don’t you love it when someone else’s plans always tells you how your is in feels? I am not suggesting it, but if he dropped a sledgehammer on his foot, this would be like telling him it is no worse than a stubbed toe
Question: “What if you want another baby??”
Correct response: What if my bladder and kidneys fuse together and then rupture my kidneys causing me to go septic and die?
I’m not at all surprised that your brother would say “just a little period pain.“ Men know absolutely nothing about what endometriosis and period pain feels like until someone hooks them up to that little machine. They don’t deserve to have opinions on this subject. Please disregard his opinion entirely. The decision to have this surgery is entirely yours and honestly has nothing to do with whether or not you’re trans although I’m sure that would only support your decision. The amount of pain that you’re in and the danger that this condition is putting your body in makes this surgery a medical necessity really. In the event that you and your husband or just you, would decide in the future that your son needs a little sibling, adoption and surrogacy are both options. You’re being rendered incapacitated disabled or even worse from this chronic pain? That’s not an option to consider for your future. You have a child to care for. Why isn’t your brother thinking about that? Why isn’t he thinking about the fact that you’re in severe debilitating pain every single day?
NTA and by the way, I had a hysterectomy for medical reasons in my 30s. My periods were so heavy that I was having 2 bag blood transfusions to keep from dying. It was the best decision I ever made, although in my case I was able to keep both ovaries. I’m not sure if you’re going to be able to or not. But if you can; do it- that will delay menopause. But oh my God the quality of my life shot up times 1000 maybe even times 1 million. Recovery from the surgery was pretty simple with (at that time) having two toddlers and my overall health and happiness was greatly increased. I wish you all the best with your surgery and with ignoring the haters. Consider looking online for that period pain replication machine and hooking your brother up to it. Start him off on level 10. Tell him it’s level one see how he does.. XOXO
NTA. Your body, your choice. End of discussion.
NTA, your bodily autonomy is not a family decision.
NTA and hoping the surgery goes as it should and you make a full recovery.
Fuck people who try to argue with you. 😀 Not literally especially since they are family!
Why would you share something this personal with the town cryer? Big mistake. The dog next door will come over with his opinion soon. I
I’d tell all of them that you decided to put it on hold. Then, proceed with the planning and surgery. Tell them after the surgery they you listened to them but still made up your own mind.
Keep your mouth shut with all these opinionated outsiders, especially your brother, who is a giant asshole!
Get the hysterectomy. I was in that situation when I was around the same age. I opted to wait and stayed on birth control pills for years just to be able to function without pain. Your brother is an idiot. He doesn’t know what you go through and like most men they just can’t grasp the idea of a woman being in that much pain. I think it’s because if they were in that much pain they would curled up in the fetal position on the floor crying. We keep going and work through it.
Really it is none of their business. NTA. I wish all of the people who think you should suffer to have more kids should just adopt some foster children. And then keep their mouth shut.
Family decision to have a hysterectomy? Does that same standard apply to vasectomies?
Dunno what my words are for your brother that won’t get me banned.
I probably had endometriosis (70F). When I went into labor for childbirth, it wasn’t worse than I’d felt every month during my teens.
Your health isn’t a family affair. Best wishes.
ETA NTA.
No offense, but you come from a family of dumbasses. I can’t imagine either of my brothers thinking that they know what is best for me! I’ve had a total hysterectomy due to prolapse and PMDD. I am very happy with it, and my family is happy for me.
My niece had PCOS and endo. She had a hysterectomy after several failed pregnancies and a lot of physical and emotional pain. She went through a period of depression afterward due to the hormone changes, but she says she’s much better now. Keep in mind that things might be pretty rocky at first, but your body will adjust, and a little bit of hormone replacement might also be useful.
Obviously, you are not the asshole.
NTAH.
Appalled by your family’s behavior tbh. You are a person who is making the best decision for your life and they have the audacity to treat you like a misbehaving possession to be “corrected”. Your reproductive capacity is none of their business. You aren’t their breeding tool and they don’t have any right to obstruct your medical needs just cause they have big feelings about your entirely hypothetical children.
How is your personal health information a family decision. They do not get a vote. NTA. Do what’s best for you and your family you created not the family of origin.
NTA, your brother’s mentality is the typical mentality of someone who doesn’t understand how bad endometriosis and PCOS can be, it’s not just a little period pain. And the whole “what if hubby wants another baby?!” Irks me no end! Well hubby is behind you and probably wants a healthy partner who isn’t spending days on end every month in agony due to endo and PCOS. I had the same things said to me at 38 when I opted for a hysterectomy for the same reasons 6 years ago by my gynaecologist – hubby backed me all the way and I don’t regret it one bit.
You do what’s best for you, your health (both physical and mental) and your family life. Your body, your choice.
NTA, but your brother very much is. I would have told him to go eff himself, as well as everyone in that GC. Aside from it being absolutely no one’s business but yours, no one seems to actually understand what the endo is causing you.
I also have PCOS and endometriosis it is absolutely far from a little period pain. It is one of the most painful conditions and can literally floor you. I hope the hysterectomy helps
YNTA but I do feel the best surgeries aren’t scheduled; they just end up happening. Jk.
YOUR BODY IS NOT A FAMILY ASSET FFS. Do what you need to do for your own health and ignore the idiotsion your family minimizing your pain and trying to take your autonomy away.
That is not a group decision and they can all eff off. Sorry you are going through this
I have 2 children that got hysterectomys in their mid 20’s because of the same thing. When the doctor removes all this they send it to be biopsied. Both of them were told it was a very good thing they had the hysterectomys because they would have gotten cancer in the future had they not had total hysterectomys. It was a difficult surgery, really painful and took a little longer to heal because of all the endo tissue everywhere. However, they both say they are so happy they made the decision to have it done.
YNTA. Your gynecologist recommended this. The hoops that young women have to jump thru to get a doctor to give them a hysterectomy is fucking ridiculous. This is your decision. I’m so glad your husband is on board. No one else needs to be a part of this discussion or decision, IT’S NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS!!! Take care of yourself and do what’s best for you.
Your brother is not a doctor. Ignore him. It isn’t your family’s decision. Ignore them.
Your pain has never been a family experience.
The serious medical issues forthcoming by leaving the endo unchecked will never be a family issue.
They have opinions… but no decision making authority.
Get on the gc and tell them that you have a child to think about being alive and healthy for, unchecked endo could cause organ failure snd kill you, this is not their decision, and one more word about it-except for support- and you are cutting them out. Temporarily or permanently is to be determined.
Then do it.
NTA
It’s none of anyone’s business but yours and to some extent your partners. Tell everyone else to stfu
“Family. Unless you’re actually inside my body dealing with this DISEASE or married to me, your opinion does not matter and was not asked for. (Husband) and I have discussed this at length and given my medical issues and doctor’s recommendation to do this, this is happening. If you’d like to stay involved in mine and (son’s) life, I highly recommend you stop commenting on topics that are none of your concern.”
I was forced to wait till my 30’s befor being ALLOWED a hysterectomy. Take it when you can… life is so amazing without a uterus!!!
NTA!!! If those people in your family aren’t calling out of work and coming over to wait on you hand and foot and help care for your son while also paying for the time you have to miss from work for your condition, they have zero f*cking right to say ANYTHING about your body and the choices you make in regard to YOUR health and wellbeing.
Furthermore, a MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL recommended this procedure, which is far more important than anything your family members could have to say. Endo tissue can end up ANYWHERE in the body, including the brain, and that tissue thickens, breaks down, and bleeds every single month just like the tissue inside your uterus. You have your rainbow baby, and you deserve to feel pain-free and healthy OP.
Your health decisions are none of their business, in all honesty. You’re making the decision that is best for you, and if you ever choose to grow your family, you can explore the alternative options available to you. Your son will also grow up knowing just how incredible and special it was for him to make it earthside when the odds were not in your favor for that to happen.
Sending you a giant hug and all of the support and encouragement. I’m a single mom of a 4 year old, and I’m currently waiting for my referral from my primary care doctor to see an OB/GYN about a partial hysterectomy. I have grieved the possibility of finding someone I may want to grow my family with in the future, but I also know that my body and mind cannot go through that again, especially if it puts my child at risk of growing up without their mother should complications arise. The risk is just too high. You’re doing what is best for you, and I respect that so much. 💙
Um, what? The family decision is made. By you and your husband with the doctor. Everyone else’s opinions are irrelevant. Also, brother thinks it’s just a little period pain? Get a period simulator and have him try it. ( I would also slip in a laxative but that would be considered assault). Seriously though, the period simulator should shut him up. Good luck with your surgery and be prepared for the menopause.
NTA I had a friend who had severe problems with Endo.. her gyno told her that she was revelling against being a woman. The same man who delivered her and her mother insisted she see. I kid you not. She moved out of state for a new gyno. They spent 6 hours in surgery removing tissue from around her femoral nerves and kidneys. It was awful for her. Her new gyno recommended a hysterectomy and she had it done. For her it was life changing.
NTA
I will shout this from the rooftops, I will shout it to your brother’s face And every person in your family if you need me to. Hell I will shout it in front of anybody who stands in front of me.
The only person whose opinion matters is yours and maybe your doctor. Everybody else can go take an hike, it’s not their reproductive organs. It is nothing to do with them.
You are suffering, even if all you wanted was to get it taken out because you don’t want to have that in that is fine.
It is not a group project. you deserve to be comfortable in your own body without pain and fear of this causing further health issues. You were medical team disgusted with you and both of you agreed that this is the best step for you. That’s as far as it needs to go. They don’t get an opinion. They don’t get discussion. They don’t get to tell you anything other “you made your decision cool“
LOL at the idea of a whole family getting to tell me what to do with my uterus!
The fact that your brother is so concerned about what you do with your uterus is strange, the group chat trying to get you to cancel the surgery is strange. Endo is no joke!! So painful and can cause so many more issues down the line. I would be doing the surgery if it were me. if you wanted another baby in the future you could always adopt but also your sweet little one will be okay without a sibling – more one on one time for him! He’ll make friends, and some friends really fill that sibling role. You’re NTA!
I am asking kindly, not to be an ass: why are you listening to a 20 year old dude about endometriosis?
Listen to your body and your doctor.
NTA. Forget brother. Your uterus has turned traitor, yeet it. If brother complains or puts -2 cents in, kick him in the nuts. Then tell him that’s how it feels all the time
NTA. Your brother and anyone else are fucking stupid. Is he so stupid that he doesn’t understand what kind of medical things need to be happening for you to even have a doctor who would agree to this? Most doctors won’t do this for a woman even if it’s something she wants unless there are medical reasons. Your brother is an awful human.
As someone who has endo, and still has issues after a radical hysterectomy/oopherectomy (not bilateral; I retained my right ovary because I can’t have artificial hormones due to a pulmonary embolism caused in part by hormonal birth control…which I used to treat my endo!)…
Fuck everyone involved in this GC. Especially your brother.
This is an intensely personal decision which should only involve you and your doctor…which your partner as your support.
I hate that women’s reproductive rights (and yes, I realize that you identify as trans, but as an AFAB person, you still are encompassed by that) are so demeaned that this could become such a family debate. It’s sickening that they’re treating you like this.
When I had mine, my family understood that it was medically necessary. I actually didn’t want it, I wanted another child…but I knew I needed it. And my family counted down until I could have it, after my embolism and the year I had to spend on blood thinners (which sent the endo into overdrive, too, and made the damage so much worse than when it was first diagnosed!)
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, both with the disease and with your family’s bullshit.
nta for wanting to live without pain, your borther needs to shut his pie hole until he lived with the hell you did for as long as you did plus a decade
NTA, now and forever.
Your body.
Your choice.
They don’t have to live in your body. Tell them to fuck right the hell off.
your uterus, your decision. Your husband is on board,that’s great.
Your brothers opinion doesn’t even enter into it. Why the fuck is he even commenting.
NTA
Stop discussing it with your family. Your brother is an ass. He probably couldn’t even handle one period cramp so he doesn’t know WTF he’s talking about. Do what you need to do to be comfortable.
Shut down anyone who brings it up (drop it, I’m not discussing it). Go low contact if they keep bringing it up, and consider no contact if they can’t keep their mouths shut.
NTA. Tell your brother he’s an idiot because endometriosis causes INFERTILITY if not stopped. It can also kill you.
But removing the sources of the problem by surgery will allow you to continue to live to parent the child you have now.
How selfish can he be? He’s not thinking about you or your child.
What the fuck? You and only you get to make decisions about your body. They treat you as an incubator instead of a person. Thats wrong. Obviously NTA
NTA, your body, your choice, end of story.
I’m glad you are able to get one!
Your brother can have an opinion when his nutsack is neon blue and the size of my cat and he’s holding an medical degree in gyneacology.
NTA at all. “A little period pain” — ha! If it’s spreading to the bladder and kidneys it’s gone far beyond that. Yr brother sounds like he wouldn’t even care if it was life threatening to you. Docs don’t just suggest having a hysterectomy on a whim.
Go NC with him and anyone on his side.
NTA.
Your brother is a twit. Your doctor recommends it, it’ll likely improve your quality of life (I’m not psychic but generally removing a diseased organ will improve health), your spouse knows and is on board. Decisions about your health should be yours and yours alone. Screw “family decision” (WTAF?).
Even Dr. House, 13:00, blamed the worst period ever for almost killing his patient!
It sounds like you did get your family’s approval and made a decision together. They just don’t like that your family is now just your husband and child. You and those two are the only ones it may affect anyway, so why do the rest of them care? It’s kinda weird that they’re so attached to your genitals.
NTA. Why don’t we have your husband punch your brother in the abdomen multiple times and then ask your brother if he wants to go through that every day?
Your brother is an idiot, and I don’t say that lightly. Endo can literally be fatal. NTA
My friend (46) has just had to have a second surgery to remove the endo tissue after her hysterectomy and tissue removal last year as it was far more extensive than they realised until they opened her up. Sadly they only had the operating theatre booked for a certain amount of time and had to stop.
She’s just had another 5 hours of surgery going as far up as her lungs and needed to have an ovary removed (the original plan was to leave them to prevent early menopause). There was a risk of a colostomy bag after her bowel needed a resection which fortunately she hasn’t needed.
The longer you wait, the worse this will get. Fuck anyone who thinks its better for you to be in agonising pain versus doing what’s best for your health.
I had to have the same procedure, for the same reason, eighteen months after my son was born. He’s an only child with plenty of cousins and friends.
The endometriosis is spreading to your internal organs, which is incredibly dangerous. Block your family for the moment, and save your life.
NTA You’re poorly and in pain. So, end of story.
Also…. You want to be a man, so the hysterectomy makes sense. So, end of story.
How tf would this be a family decision????? If your brother had knee pain and opted to get a surgery to fix it, would you get a say in that? You need to call your parents and then say “The doctor says I have to have a hysterectomy or I’ll die. Then break down crying hysterically and hang up. Then don’t answer anybody for 3 days. None of this is anybody’s business. And plenty of people with 1 kid or no kids opt not to have more. That would be none of their business either
I’m sorry but what the heck did I just read? Family decision? You’re being insensitive? What? You are much kinder than me! I would’ve started a conversation about everyone’s reproduction parts and I mean everyone’s (from Grandma’s to brother & who still has what and who doesn’t). Confirm you have everyone current contact information. If people start going off – just start checking phone numbers or emails. Someone will finally ask why – let them know that you’re putting together a list of name to give to your doctor. You get a discount for each referral! The office will contact them – they don’t have to do anything……Like this is elective surgery- for fun. I might even point out that my doctor recommended procedure will prevent future problems, surgical procedures and cancer in my body. For them it will help prevent the world from suffering FRROM THE LIKES OF THEM!
NTA – omg, how is what you do with your body a family decision?!? And not even immediate family but extended family?? The audacity is mind boggling.
Do you also get a say in your brother’s medical procedures?
Your family sucks- glad your husband is cool.
NTA- even if it wasn’t medically necessary it doesn’t involve any of your family & they are completely out of bounds. I couldn’t imagine having family that crossed boundaries to that extent and the attempted to force me back into a chat to have them trample my boundaries even more
Tell your idiot brother to do some research.
NTA
It’s your body! That said, please do your homework…. I’m sure you have but as someone in perimenopause I had no idea how much even a natural decline in hormones would impact my life. I’m assuming you will have your ovaries out too? And you can’t assume your doctor is fully educated on the long term impact. I could go on a whole rant about that issue but won’t.
I haven’t had your issues so I won’t pretend to know about them but just be fully informed about what removing your ovaries will do to your whole body (if that’s part of your surgery, if you can keep them I would).
NTA. It’s none of their business.They can go eff off.
A family decision? What a crock of shit. Best of luck to you and I hope your surgery goes well.
NTA. Go into the group chat and announced that the reason why you’re doing this is because you have a medical condition that’s so severe that it could possibly kill you.
Then ask them why they think they’re entitled to wish death upon you because the selfish and heartless (not to mention ignorant) family members might need you around to be breeding cattle.
YOUR BODY IS NOT COMMUNITY PROPERTY FOR THEIR USE.
OP, please take u/lisalef’s suggestion:
>”Tell your brother and all the male flying monkeys that you’re going to kick them as hard as you can in their groin and once the pain starts to subside, you’re going to kick them again and repeat.”
Tell them it’s a requirement for them to know what they are talking about before they voice an opinion. Either they do this or they can shut their mouths immediately.
Of course they won’t agree but maybe they’ll shut up for a few minutes. When they start up again, just keep repeating this kind offer of helping them understand before they speak.
Regardless, their opinion is irrelevant as you and your doctor get to make your medical decisions.
In the future I would recommend telling idiots less so they have less available to them to use to bother you.
NTA
I think you should get a Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulation (TENS) machine and let your brother experience that “little bit of period pain” for himself. I bet he’ll STFU.
Also, I had a total hysterectomy in December for what they thought was endometriosis. Nope. Turns out my tubes were fully blocked, so I was experiencing ovarian torsion every ovulation, and follicular hemorrhaging throughout my everything. I woke up from surgery feeling immediate relief. Obviously, I knew I’d just had surgery, but I felt a distinct lack of pain simultaneously. Please follow the recommendations of your medical professionals and make the right choice for your own body. And from one AFAB to another, organ removal was the best decision I ever made.
Go get your hysterectomy. No one should get to tell you what to do with your body.
NTA. It’s none of their business. This is between you and your doctor. Everybody else can fuck off.
I see all over the internet those machines you hook up to a guy to simulate period pain.
Tell your brother if he can wear the highest setting for a month. You’ll think about changing your mind.
And each and every man can go thus also or take 100 steps off a cliff.
NTA
NTA.
If you should consider your families feelings on the matter (nope) you already have.
Your family (you and hubby) are on the same page and want what is best for you and your family (the 3 of you)
Good hubby, bad family.
NTA. This isn’t a “family decision.” It is yours. I had to have a full hysterectomy because of Endometriosis so I know what you’re going through physically. Love your one baby, have the surgery, and there’s always adoption, etc if you want more later!
NTA. But why are you even letting your brother have a seat at the table for this conversation. This is between you, your husband and your doctor.
Wow, your family sounds like a bunch of uncaring assholes. I’m sorry, OP. Ask your brother if he was diagnosed with testicular cancer, would he keep his balls in case his wife wanted a baby even though it was excruciatingly painful and would spread?
NTA at all. Your body, your choice. I had a hysto at 34 because I couldn’t take the pain and bleeding from massive fibroids any longer. It was the best decision I ever made. And it was MY decision not my family’s.
” … this big of a procedure should be a family decision.”
Absolutely 100% wrong. This is a very serious decision that should be made between one (or several) medical professionals and the patient, and in consultation with the spouse. If anyone else is not one of those people, this is none of their business. It’s like some airhead telling a cancer patient not to take chemo or have surgery – whatever – it’s absolutely incredibly inappropriate.
NTA at all!
Your body, your choice.
Your brother is a SUPER AH for starting a group chat about it. And the relatives who kept dragging you back into the chat are also S AH.
Convo: and brother what if a painful cyst randomly grew on your arm randomly every 2-3 weeks or so. It was so painful you couldn’t drive, write, or chop vegetables. Then the doctor recommended they remove that section of skin…. but wait… it’s a family decision.
NTA. Medical decisions are not family decisions. Neither is your decision to have more kids or not.
NTA: To the group chat (assuming that’s what GC is): It’s none of your business what I do with my body, it’s certainly not a “family” decision. This is between me, my gynaecologist and my husband. If you think otherwise, imagine your bowels glued to your other internal organs and tearing every time you take a sh*t – for 10 days every month for the next 20 years, assuming I survive that long.
Your brother is a nosy ass.
Once it gets to your other organs it can cause serious damage NTA and not “a little period pain” either
Why are you including your AH family members in ANY of this conversation. Your uterus is your business. No more conversation at all with any of them about it. Just stop. What the hell is wrong with them that they think it’s a ‘family’ decision? Establish some boundaries for your own peace. NTA.
Definitely not the AH! Endo pain is almost unbearable. I had my hysterectomy at 28. It was growing around my bowels, my back and other places and I would take a small bottle of Advil every month. Back then, waterbeds were the rage and I had the waterbed heat on high for my back and a heating pad for my stomach. I breezed through the surgery but that’s how I found out I was allergic to morphine because back then we were hooked up to pain pump we administered ourselves. You need to do what is best for you. I wish you could get a hold of a pain simulator and put it on your brother’s stomach so he could feel some of your pain.
Please don’t wait and I wish you all the best!
The RAGE I felt when they said a hysterectomy should be a family decision. NTA
IN WHAT UNIVERSE does ANYONE think they have a fkng SAY in what YOU do with YOUR body?!! Do these lunatics SERIOUSLY think you should risk your health & well being for MAYBE having another kid?!! You’re better than me, no question. These people would’ve been CUT OFF the second they started the harassment of a GC. 🤷🏻♀️Like, DONE. Stick to your guns, & keep yourself safe. 🫂 Good Luck, & ALL the light to you & yours. ✨🖤
What’s a rainbow baby boy? Sorry for my ignorance. If you’re trans, wouldn’t you have that surgery anyway? It sounds like you have a lot of pain & health issues. Listen to your doctor and definitely get a second (and third) opinion. Good luck!
> you’re going to get your uterus completely removed because of a little period pain? That’s a bit excessive, don’t you think?
You’re going to pass judgement on my medical situation because you have a little bit of understanding about how women’s bodies work. You’re not worth discussing anything with.
> this is a family decision!
Yes, and we made it. No one asked you and no one is giving you any power here. I suggest you shut up, all of you, or you will find yourself blocked.
Did you get raped or are you not understanding that if you actually identify as a man you would not be having vaginal intercourse, as this is not something a man does.
NTA and why would you even care what your brother has to say?
Your brother is an asshole. And so is anyone else who tries to tell you what to do with your own body. Your doctor has advised you. That is all the advice you need. Exit that chat and shut down anyone else who thinks they know better than your doctors. NTA
Totally NTA. This is for your health and safety. It is harming you and you have every right to do what is best for you. They sound incredibly toxic and I’d consider taking a break from them. This is crazy for them to think they have a right to tell you what to do.
“Why would “son” want a brother when you are modeling that brothers mean unsupportive, misogynistic asshole?” (I say misogyny because it involves a uterus, and let me guess – you are in the USA and so many asshats thing that what we do with our uteri is everyone’s business.
In the group chat – I’d ask if they are going to come up with a group calendar or Google spreadsheet where everyone must submit their periods, nocturnal emissions (if they have a penis), medications, and birth control methods. If your uterus is a family decision, then when are they going to pay for your tampons, pads, etc.? Reimburse you? If your uterus is so sacred… then so is every sperm. You want to have a say in where your brother puts his penis and whether or not he disposes of a sperm somewhere other than near an egg.
Your body, your doctor with medical advice for your specific condition, your decision. NTA. Put everyone else on an information diet.
NTA Brother does not understand the damage to other parts of your body (kidney & bladder) that this is affecting. He is an ass for not supporting & telling everyone your medical problems. He doesn’t have your best interest at heart. How would he feel if you told everyone that he had a vasectomy? I would block them all! You don’t need this stress over your medical decisions that has nothing to do with them
WTF??!? It was a family decision! You and your husband were there and are heard the medical team out. Your son doesn’t want anything bad to happen to his parent and is on board with what’s medically best for you by default. It’s a uterus! It’s not fodder for extended family. If you don’t own, leave deposits in it or exit it to join the world it not your place to decide what happens to it.
I don’t usually advocate for violence but your brothers nuts deserve a love tap so he can see how he feels about other people getting involved with pain in his reproductive system.
NTAH
NTA My family doesn’t care but then again I’ve made it abundantly clear that I do not want kids. I’ve known since I was a teenager that me getting pregnant would likely failure of birth control or random chance as my periods are so unpredictable off birth control. My mom didn’t get diagnosed with endo until in her 50s and because of her pain my pain was dismissed despite the fact that if I didn’t get advil within 30 minutes of my period starting/waking up then I’d be down for the whole day (4th-10th grades). I was taking 4 advice every 4-5 hours for 7+ days and that was normal for her. I do have a pcos and since my periods went from my pre-birth control mild being my new
I’d tell them all to get fucked cause you like living.