My boyfriend is absolutely awful at managing money. We have no savings despite my attempts to start one. We both work, have no kids, no major bills yet we are constantly paying bills late (and their fees), borrowing from cash advances and pawning items for extra cash.I feel like we are on an endless loop of borrowing, spending, paying back, being broke, borrowing again and so on. I’ve tried to reason with him about it and offer my help, but somehow he always ends up managing money the way he thinks it’s “best”. He makes empty promises, telling me that I’ll be in charge of finances the following payday and that he will make sure I can start a savings and have money to treat myself but when Friday comes around, we are either paying late bills or cash advances, leaving no money for anything else. Right now I am supporting us financially for the most part, and he contributes some too but not as much ( currently doesn’t have a steady income, although even when he did, things were the same). As you can imagine, we’ve argued about this a lot to the point I have started to secretly save 20% of my own income separately. He doesn’t know about it, but I’ve accumulated a few thousand dollars already which goes to show that is not that we don’t make enough, or have a lot of bills, it’s his way of allocating the money that’s causing all this stress. Why don’t you do finances separately, you might ask? I’ve tried that but he is adamant about doing it his way. I feel like it’s wrong for me to do what I’m doing though, even if the money is just from my paycheck, because when he found a small stash of cash I had in the drawer in the past, he became extremely upset and accused me of “keeping money a secret”. Am I wrong for this considering he is my SO?
TLDR: my boyfriend can’t manage money to safe his life so I created a secret savings account without his knowledge.
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My boyfriend is absolutely awful at managing money. We have no savings despite my attempts to start one. We both work, have no kids, no major bills yet we are constantly paying bills late (and their fees), borrowing from cash advances and pawning items for extra cash.I feel like we are on an endless loop of borrowing, spending, paying back, being broke, borrowing again and so on. I’ve tried to reason with him about it and offer my help, but somehow he always ends up managing money the way he thinks it’s “best”. He makes empty promises, telling me that I’ll be in charge of finances the following payday and that he will make sure I can start a savings and have money to treat myself but when Friday comes around, we are either paying late bills or cash advances, leaving no money for anything else. Right now I am supporting us financially for the most part, and he contributes some too but not as much ( currently doesn’t have a steady income, although even when he did, things were the same). As you can imagine, we’ve argued about this a lot to the point I have started to secretly save 20% of my own income separately. He doesn’t know about it, but I’ve accumulated a few thousand dollars already which goes to show that is not that we don’t make enough, or have a lot of bills, it’s his way of allocating the money that’s causing all this stress. Why don’t you do finances separately, you might ask? I’ve tried that but he is adamant about doing it his way. I feel like it’s wrong for me to do what I’m doing though, even if the money is just from my paycheck, because when he found a small stash of cash I had in the drawer in the past, he became extremely upset and accused me of “keeping money a secret”. Am I wrong for this considering he is my SO?
TLDR: my boyfriend can’t manage money to safe his life so I created a secret savings account without his knowledge.
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> 1. Started a savings secretly. 2. I am not being honest with my SO
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. You’re absolutely not an asshole, your doing the safe and smart thing. You should not feel guilty about trying to save your future when he’s to busy ruining his. Him getting upset because you saved cash before is a big red flag. Your SO and life partner should be someone you feel comfortable discussing finances with… if you’re not able to have a conversation and have to have a secret bank account… you should evaluate what that means.
INFO: Why are you combining your finances with a boyfriend!?
Forget that. Him wanting to be in charge of all finances without you having a say should be setting all your senses tingling. Something’s not right.
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You should NOT have joint finances with someone to whom you aren’t married. The fact that you can save on your own should prove to you that your BF is spending your money. Stop having joint finances.
NTA – you are not married. Your money is your own, to do with what you will. I would suggest you separate your finances completely before you entirely ruin your credit. Decide between the two of you which bills you will be responsuble for and which will be his. Then make sure yours are paid on time.
One of the major things that break up a marriage are arguements over money – how much to save, what to spend on, not enough, etc. You seem to know how to handle yours. Don’t marry him before he shows that he can handle his share of the load.
I can understand that you feel like you are hiding it from him and therefore feel bad, but if you are not married he has no right to your money. He may be adamant about doing it his way – but his way is not working. Stand up for yourself and don’t throw your money on a sinking ship. Maybe some basic financial classes taken together would help.
GET OUT!!!!!
Boyfriend? Why are you paying any of his bills at all? Leave ffs
NTA. You’re not married or business partners. You and him should not be commingling any money until then.
NTA and I’d highly suggest not marrying someone bad with money! Don’t!!
What is wrong with you? Why would you stay with someone who isn’t ready to be an adult? Yta to urself if u stay with someone who I’ll drag you down. Someone struggling to budget should live with their parents until they are capable of handling responsibility
Why are you with someone who is terrible with money, drags you down financially, and still thinks he knows better than you? You are being used, controlled and manipulated. He knows if you have separate finances, he has less control over you. I hope you’re saving your money in order to escape from what is a toxic relationship.
NTA but please take a real in depth look at this relationship with someone who seems to bring very little to the table, while you support him. It’s not up to you to “fix” him, or “teach” him how to manage money.
NTA, and I personally can’t understand how that level of financial irresponsibility isn’t a dealbreaker. People will immediately drop a partner for cheating, but tolerate bad behavior with money endlessly. Keep saving your money, and if you’re smart, you’ll use it to start fresh by yourself.
You are not married so your money is your money. If he wants to screw up his own finances that’s on him, but he has no right to try to control what you do with your money. Get yourself your own accounts under your own name by yourself and do what you think you need to do without his name on it.
Get out of there you don’t wanna get into romantic relationship with somebody that can’t handle money. How is that going to work? Especially when that person is demanding to manage the money? He’s not managing the money. The money is just running out the door and he has no idea what’s going on with it .
Just get out and manage your own accounts and call it a day
YTA for not standing up to him and separating your finances. Who cares if he’s adamant about doing it his way? Be equally as adamant that it needs to change.
You make the money but he (poorly) controls the finances? You’re asking all the wrong questions here.
NTA. But you also need a more responsible boyfriend. Time for a change.
He sounds like a delight…
Nta, but you guys should break up ngl
A person bad at money has no business handling anyone else’s money. Too bad if he insists. He’s wrong and doesn’t budget. Separate your finances as much as you can and let him hang himself in debt. You get the heck out of dodge. One of the top reasons relationships fail is poor finances. Do not let him sink you because he refuses to get help or learn from better skilled people. His way is the way to poverty. Furthermore, YOUR money IS NOT his money. He has no business demanding to know your finances or access to them. That’s an attempt to use you for what you have and that’s abusive.
Look after yourself better. This is not fair, in fact I’d say this is financial abuse.
You are boyfriend and girlfriend – there is absolutely no reason to be sharing finances. I am married and my husband and I don’t even share finances!!! Sharing money does not equal or prove love.
This is what you should do – Take him off your account, get a new card, whatever you have to do to have control of your money again. Then, on payday, give him a heads up. “This is the last paycheck we’ll be combining finances. I’m not comfortable with the way we spend together anymore. I want to make different financial choices. Don’t worry, I’ll be paying my half of the bills.”
If he’s ‘adamant’ or threatens, or tbh any negative reaction – let him know this decision is final and your relationship is dependent on how he respects your decision on something that is perfectly rational and normal to ask for.
NTA. You shouldn’t have joint finances in this kind of situation. Open an account in your own name, at a different bank, that he will have no access to. Start having your pay go into that account. Take what ever your share is from the joint account and move it to your account. Guard your debit card, PIN, and account password. Even when you are married joint fiances don’t work for every couple, but you absolutely shouldn’t be having joint finances with your BF. You are being used at best and being financially abused at worst.
WTF is wrong with you? Dump this loser and move on with your life. YTA for staying with this loser and letting him drag you down to the point that you’re questioning if you’re allowed to keep YOUR money.
You’re not married and have no kids, no reason to combine finances. Just tell him ✨no ✨. You’re putting yourself in this position by combining finances with a financial deadbeat.
It doesn’t matter that he is “adamant” about joint finances. Joint finances aren’t working!!!!!!!!!! It’s well past time to separate your finance and pay your half of rent and bills directly. You are doing nothing wrong, you’re being financially responsible. You really should rethink this whole relationship. You have wildly different priorities.
You need to realize that you can say stop. That he can be adamant all he wants, but shared finances is a shared decision. If you decide not to do it, then you don’t do it. Put your foot down. Do not let the next late bill or cash advance slide. You’re the main breadwinner, you’re supporting him because he doesn’t have a stable income, and he’s bad with money, impacting both of you. So why is he managing the finances?
INFO: You’re the sole income source and HE is handling the finances, despite being horrible with money?
I need to know WHY.
This is one of the biggest and worst red flags out there. Being financially irresponsible is the surest sign of immaturity. If you were my daughter, more likely my granddaughter, I would tell you to run, don’t walk away from him. If he can straighten up his act and prove himself reliable, then think about giving him another chance. Run girl.
Use that money to get the shrec out of the ship wreak. You would do so much better without him.
Time for you to be adamant about saving money and having separate finances. Or dump the loser and save yourself the headache of being the only adult in your relationship.
Yes, it is wrong to lie about finances. It’s also wrong to let this moron ruin you financially.
do not marry this man
Financial incompatibility is a very big reason for divorce. Consider yourself lucky that you’re not married to this guy and get out. It will be a lot easier taking care of just yourself without having to deal with a msnchild.
NTA I did the same thing with my money when I was married. I had to for my own peace of mind, I came from a very poor family and there was always money insecurity. His money style gave me anxiety. I had a retirement account he didn’t know about. He passed away, and I got a little more from some life insurance.
NTA but leave this bum. If your relationship is a boat, he is drilling holes in the side and you are trying to patch them up instead of jumping ship. He is sinking and you will go down with him too. Idk how old you are but either way you are too young or too old to be with a man who can’t handle his finances.
There are plenty of men who are perfect for a relationship who you don’t have to hide money from!
NTA. You should not be the only one saving money, secretly or not. If he won’t contribute towards the saving then you will have to decide if you want to continue to live like this or not. Make sure none of your money is available for him to touch. He seems to be the one making you live like this.
NTA. You’re being financially abused.
ESH
You wouldn’t tolerate this from anyone else, so ask yourself why you are accepting it from him. It is unacceptable that you are allowing someone with a proven record of financial mismanagement to allow you to do it “his way”. His way doesn’t work and is unsustainable.
He’s allowing his ego to get in the way of your prosperity. He’s so blinded by his own arrogance that he can’t bring himself to admit that he is wrong.
NTA why is he spending your check? You need to put a stop to that. You aren’t even married. Of course he wants to control the money when he’s not working. Then he gets what he wants and you get to work.
I am going to assume that hes got some other qualities you find attractive, and you dont want to lose him. Because financially, you’re his mother or at least a baby sitter. And no one wants that in a relationship. So assuming you want to make it work and want to someday marry him, you absolutely need to do whatever it takes to get on the same page financially. I agree with many that until you are married, separate your finances. But that doesnt mean dont pay attention to what he is doing with money. As others have also said, be careful of financial abuse and control too. Him being angry that you are saving your own money is a huge red flag, and id suggest his behavior gets checked or leave him. Thats like an alcoholic being angry you’re hiding the beer from him. 1/3 of divorces are because of finances, and 3/4 of struggling relationships cite financial issues, maybe better to cut out now before it gets worse.
No, you are not TA! You are a woman and a woman should always have a stash of money set aside for an emergency. My father always told me this. My grandmother always told me this and her mother told her children the same thing. My mother and father were married for 55 years and she had a bank account of her own for 60 years. I know there wasn’t a lot of money in the account, but it was enough for my mom to pay for a cab and a plane ticket to get to my house or my sister’s house in a crisis. If your partner is bad with money too bad for him. Do not ever tell him. My mother also had about $5000 stashed at home again in case of a rainy day. You never know. Both my sister and I have hidden money. Our husbands don’t know about this.
You know he’s financially abusing you to keep you from leaving him right? Why would you want to financially tie yourself permanently to somebody who can’t even pay basic bills or bring in any stability?
Finances are one of the top reasons marriages break up. Every time you have sex with this man, you risk getting pregnant and being stuck raising a child with him for 18 years. Get out now.
The most important financial decision you will make in your life is who you marry. Don’t it.
NTA. If you’re being honest about your personal financial habits and don’t spend beyond your means….then his debt isn’t your problem. He’s dragging you down.
The best advice I can give is to get your name off any shared account. Contact the landlord, every utility company ask for your 50% share to be taken from your personal account monthly. Stop going out, do not accompany him anywhere. Every meal and drink are self prepared oatmeal, eggs, hamburger, beans, rice, pasta, fresh vegetables.
NTA. It seems you dont want to leave this guy even if he is financially irresponsible or worse spending it on stuff you dont even know about. You are essentially the breadwinner but he still feels that he needs to control your money and he does it so poorly that you even need to take out loans or cash advances. If you really want to stay with this guy for soem reason, you have to put your foot down that you separate your finances. Why would you let this guy mismanage and waste money you earn? Why would you need to hide YOUR savings from your own income. He doesnt have a right to that. Even if you were married, you should be with a guy who realizes he’s not very good with budgetting and let you do that part. Maybe he doesnt want you to realize he doesnt actually contribute to anything and you’re essentially raising a kid who you give all your money to and he’s spending it on stupid stuff before your bills.
I am sorry if you are not ready to hear this, but your boyfriend is financially abusive. He wants you to stay too poor to leave him. He does not have your best interests at heart. His treatment of you is no accident
WTF, why the frikkin heck are you with this hobosexual scammer bum who is using you for a free ride and wants all your money? YTA to yourself for staying with this dude.
NTA
But you need to hold some kind of intervention. Are you truly aware of where all HIS money goes? As his pay is erratic, he may be stashing some money of his own for “fun” of some kind. He’s resisting giving over the finances because he knows the fun will have to stop, at least for a while, and then it will be restricted.
I get being young and having cash flow issues, it’s not fun but you simply have to stop spending on everything bit food, rent and gas to get to work to get on top of the cashflow. In your shoes I’d make a budget consisting of the necessities: rent, food, gas, loan payments. Then tell him you’re only putting in half, he’s responsible for the other half. You may find you’ve been carrying him more than you thought.
What I don’t understand is why so many woman are supporting these jobless wonders. Listen if he can’t make 50 percent of the bill kitty then he doesn’t get to say. Tell him no if he whines and cries tell him no and he can move out
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NTA. Is he trying to control you and keep you from leaving if he feels you have no money with which to do so? You two are not compatible financially. You’ll never have a house or children with him. I hope you found a better hiding place for your money this time because you may need it to leave. Take care of yourself, good luck.
You’re not wrong. You’re surviving. If he refuses to be responsible, then yeah, you do what you gotta do. A secret savings account is the least dramatic option here
The leading cause of marital discord and divorce involves finances and communication…and your bf is waving a red flag above both issues.
Take a good look, because, if he/you continue down this path, life will be needing advances and paying late fees and insufficient funds notificaions.
The SECRET savings are only going to piss him off when he finds out, saying you don’t trust him!!
Um, unless you’re both making the decisions to spend the money in such a way that you’re in the hole constantly, he’s not planning better finances than you; he’s spending the money in other places he’s not telling you about and you’re supporting his habits. I would say keep squirreling the money away because you’re probably going to need it for more than just making sure his habits/hobbies are going strong.
Buuuuuut…. you need to sit down with him and start tracking where the money is going. There’s no way it’s just poofing. This sounds like a money laundering scam and I don’t understand why you are letting him be responsible for the finances instead of expecting equal partnership if you know he’s bad at shuffling it.
You’re NTA for squirreling the money away, you are for letting him mow you over about the finances when you know something is going on.
Oh so many things – this is coming from an old……
Firstly -> value yourself. Value yourself. Value yourself.
Always value yourself over having a relationship – they should only enhance your life, your living and your Self!
Secondly -> always have your own SEPARATE bank account. Always have your own money. Always keep yourself on the list of bills to pay.
Thirdly -> if you have a partner (look up the definition of partner) share an account that you pay bills from.
This shared account should have equal contributions deposited and those should be based on your monthly incomes and the sum of your homes expenses. Deposits can be adjusted according to income.
The rest of your money and their money – is for you/them to decide what to do things with and what to spend it on.
And value yourself, value yourself, value yourself.
NTA, Respectfully, you are being an idiot and a major AH to yourself by letting your bf control your money, even when he is barely contributing. He’s just spending the money…why are you pretending it’s about letting him “managing” anything?
Please think long and hard about your future with this man. Finances are a major cause of break ups and the fact that he is already making you feel guilty for saving your OWN money is a major red flag.
He sounds like an addict or something. Seperate your fiances immediately. Put a lock on your phone. Freeze your credit. He sounds like he would steal and spend everything you have.
You’ll be a lot happier only supporting yourself.
DTMFA
I wouldn’t go so far as to say he’s abusive. He’s just horrible with money and that will ruin your life.
Oh girl. You need to take off those rose coloured glasses and find your spine.
He doesn’t have a job, you’re not married and you’re the sole income earner.
Take your money back. He is not your husband.
NTA Use the money you have secretly saved to leave him. He’s financially abusing you, making it so you can’t afford to leave him. He’s not going to change what he is doing. He wants you dependent on him to control you.
I’m genuinely curious, how does he add to your life? what makes him worth living in this endless ‘poverty’ cycle? You’re ‘letting’ him drag you down, you’re being an asshole to yourself
NTA. Um, he says he doesn’t want separate finances and you think that means you can’t separate your finances? With all due respect… what the fuck? Why do you think he gets to make that decision?
NTA but you need to stop financing him.
Stop paying for him if he doesn’t have the money to do things, if he hasn’t got the money that’s down to him, it doesn’t mean you still can’t do things with your friends.
Put the money you spend on him into your savings and watch them grow faster.
“He’s adamant about doing it his way”?
There’s your problem. Who made him the boss of you? Answer: you did.
Correct that error, and you can freely use your own intelligence, without deception, in financial and other matters. However, this boyfriend will probably not be interested in continuing in a relationship where he is not the boss.
So, up to you to decide what will make you happy, given your options.
So you let someone who cannot or will not work steady control your money???? O hell no!!!!
You open a new account and tell him X amount is his half for bill and if he misses a payment then he moves out. He wants to go out anywhere and spend any money then he pays.he wants to buy something then he gets a job and pays.
He is controlling our money that you work for and using you for your money by gaslighting and telling you what to do with your money!!!
No and don’t fell guilty! You have a grown a@@ mooch
Why do people date this trash? Are they really afraid of being alone?
Esh
Use your savings and move on. Financial abuse is real. He’s keeping you down. And your money too! NTA
You do not have to share finances with a partner. Period. Even in a marriage, people manage their finances in a lot of different ways. Joint finances work for some and not for others.
In any scenario, your partner should not be angry at you for saving and managing the money you make (unless you’re gambling it all away). That is not ok, it’s a huge red flag in dealbreaker territory , and NTA
You are not married so it’s not too late to get out.. run.. if you have to do this on the sly you already know this
He controls you to the point of you hiding a major detail from him.
Use the money to move out and leave him be.
He’s a bum. He’ll drag you down. The moment he finds out about the cash, I guarantee that he will guilt you into paying off his stuff or he’ll buy something expensive and then need the money to cover the extra outgoings. Seriously, this guy isn’t worth your time. Nta
ESH. If he can’t manage money, he can’t be responsible for it. There are two solutions to this. 1- have the conversation again with major ground rules and stop putting money in that joint account. He can’t spend your money if he can’t get to it. 2- break up.
Yes two is extreme. But if you both work, don’t have kids, don’t have major bills, there is no reason you should be in this death spiral other than you guys can’t get your acts together. If the two of you can’t sit down, have an honest conversation lay it all out, then I want to set up cameras, film and sell tickets to your dramatic, harder than it has to be life.
The “next pay period” stops now and if you can’t control it, your money isn’t an option. The payday loans need to stop. Pawning things, needs to stop. Pawning it means you have purchased more than you need. It means you’re buying high and selling low. It means you have the money, you just have a spending problem.
Paying interest/late fees means you’re giving away money. Payday loans, you’re giving away money.
Set up automatic payments. Utilities, if they can do equalization payments, do it. Credit cards, put in reminders. Set up automatic transfers into a savings account. Even if you start with $5 per cheque. Give that account a name, something fun you want, start small and once you get used to saving go bigger: special dinner! Weekend away! holiday! New car!
NTA.
Save and leave.
I had over $1,600 stashed in a similar circumstance when the bastard came home and said he was leaving.
That money carried me through and bought me some time.
This guy is an asshole. NOT YOU.
Saving should be together for common goals/dreams/plans.
NTA and time to take your savings and find a new place. If your bf can’t save a penny and you can save 20% of your income when he finds out you saved money he’ll berate and gas light you until he gets to waste that too. Leave and enjoy your financial freedom.
NTA He is trying to gaslight you into making HIS debt, “Our debt”. If you’re not married, you are NOT responsible for his debt or bad financial decisions. I wouldn’t be helping a boyfriend/girlfriend pay off debt unless we were legally married and therefore I was also legally responsible for it.
Money is one of the top 3 reasons for divorce.
He does NOT want to change. Pls consider breaking up
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This sounds like financial abuse. You are not married, and even if you were, he cannot control the finances.
Its your money, you worked for it. You decide how its spent. Especially if he is mis spending your money. It sounds like you are his meal ticket and spending your money so badly you will not be able leave.
He is not hitching his horse to your wagon, he is the anchor to a boat he sunk.
Get a way while you can. Dont say anything to him. Start a savings at a different bank. Once you have cushion cut the purse strings and tell him to take care of himself. If he doesnt want your or reacts badly youll know it was about your money.
Get out while you can, otherwise you’ll be back AFTER you’re married and tied to this loser.
You need to separate your money completely. He will get you both in debt.
I’m so confused- why does he get to decide your finances for you when he’s not even the breadwinner?
Is this a good relationship for you?
YTA to yourself for not drawing a line
Get a new bank account without him on it.
Do direct deposit. Pay your bills on time.
Tell him if he has a problem to GTFO bc you’re carrying deadbeat weight who’s trying to financially abuse you.
Tell him HIS $ is his, but you’re happy to handle it for him and put him on an allowance—-bc he clearly needs it.
WHY would you let this abuser have this much power over you?!?
You absolutely should not be sharing finances with anyone youre not married to!
How long have you been together? What does he earn compared to you? How old are you both? Sounds like you are NOT financially compatible. Keep your money completely separate. Hound him for his part when bills are due. LEAVE HIM. You really want to spend the rest of your life living like this?
Lady, it’s pretty simple. He’s in it to spend your money. Not complicated. Just stop giving him access. If you don’t, then — well, what did you expect.
NTA. It is YOUR money. He can do things “his way” with his money. You shouldn’t have joint accounts. He shouldn’t have your PIN number or any access to your finances. (Seriously lock your credit down. Make sure he can’t open accounts in your name.)
Squirrel away as much money as you possibly can in an account he doesn’t know about and cannot access. Make a plan to get out of the relationship. You will break up from the constant financial stress. It’s s just a question of when, and how much debt you’re in when you’ve had enough.
NTA. It’s normal to not combine finances until after you’re married and he has no legal right to the money you make. Start to evaluate whether you want to put up with this in the long run because his spending habits likely won’t change. Definitely consider what it would be like to save up for a wedding, house, kids, etc. You probably don’t want to be the only person financially responsible.
NTA you absolutely need to tell him YOU ARE BAD AT MANAGING MONEY AND IM NOT JOINT ACCOUNTING WITH YOU ANYMORE
stop enabling him to throw YOUR money away. If he wants to flip out, let him…. And then he can waste his own money.
I promise, if you keep this up you’ll both be broke forever. If you don’t put your foot down, one day he’ll find your stash and spend it all.
YTA for staying with him. Imagine dealing with this forever.
This could be considered financial abuse. I’d rethink this relationship.
Red flags everywhere. No, you don’t tell a BF you’re saving money. You also don’t support him financially.
INFO: How long have you been together?
Is this what you want your life to be?