AITA here –
My partners indoor / outdoor cat has had bad fleas since Dec of last year (2024). Fleas love me but not him, so he didn’t even notice until I got, no joke, 20 bites in a single night. He’s also a major animal guy and backpacker and just in general, less likely to notice or care about things like this for himself.
We still lived separate Dec – May, so we’d often stay at my place when it got bad, and if I was there, I’d have to wear socks, pants and long sleeves to avoid being bit.
The cat started rx meds in May, and it was a HUGE thing to convince my partner to use, because “the cat doesn’t like it.” He wants me to not be bit, but also massively prioritizes what the cat like and doesn’t like.
We’ve been religiously doing other things to manage them in the house and yard. He was unwilling to adjust the cats living space boundaries (which are essentially none, he’s even allowed inside of the fridge, which is so gross for an outdoor cat) or keep him inside.
I moved in 5 weeks ago and it seemed to be getting better with the meds and a vacuum I bought meant to help this, a few bites here or there, but this week it’s back to 10+ a night.
I told my partner if we can’t figure this out I need to find somewhere else to live and it’s breaking my heart. It’s been 10 months of this and I have a major reaction to the bites (I have endometriosis and my immune system goes way more wild so theee bites are a MASSIVE physical pain and nuisance).
I previously said if it didn’t get better with meds, we should try to make him an indoor cat and build a good catio for him to still have some outside time without all the ground exposure. My partner is vehemently against that and says cats can’t adjust like that and he’s get rid of him before he’d make him go through that, so not it’s basically me or the cat as the options, even though he won’t say it like that and just keeps saying there’s nothing else to do.
So now we’re going to literally talk about whether I move out or he rehomes the cat, and those feel like insane options to me instead of trying to make the cat indoor first.
I moved in a month ago and love living there. Relationship is literally amazing. He deeply cares about me and this cat, and is just totally frozen trying to solve this since me and living with an outdoor flea ridden cat seem incompatible.
AITA here? Should I just deal with the fleas? Is it ACTUALLY a horrific idea to try to conver him to indoor with a catio?
Edits for info: the cat has stayed on the flea meds since May. They just seemed to not be enough (our area is very prone to bad fleas, and we have a hoarder neighbor who has a lot of issues like this). My partner did do lasts months dose a week late on accident, which is probably why we are having a big issue again.
I move in on the basis it was getting my substantially better and we assumed continued time on the meds and managing the house would get it to zero, not that it would get bad again.
House is two bedrooms of carpet and the rest hard flooring.
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AITA here –
My partners indoor / outdoor cat has had bad fleas since Dec of last year (2024). Fleas love me but not him, so he didn’t even notice until I got, no joke, 20 bites in a single night. He’s also a major animal guy and backpacker and just in general, less likely to notice or care about things like this for himself.
We still lived separate Dec – May, so we’d often stay at my place when it got bad, and if I was there, I’d have to wear socks, pants and long sleeves to avoid being bit.
The cat started rx meds in May, and it was a HUGE thing to convince my partner to use, because “the cat doesn’t like it.” He wants me to not be bit, but also massively prioritizes what the cat like and doesn’t like.
We’ve been religiously doing other things to manage them in the house and yard. He was unwilling to adjust the cats living space boundaries (which are essentially none, he’s even allowed inside of the fridge, which is so gross for an outdoor cat) or keep him inside.
I moved in 5 weeks ago and it seemed to be getting better with the meds and a vacuum I bought meant to help this, a few bites here or there, but this week it’s back to 10+ a night.
I told my partner if we can’t figure this out I need to find somewhere else to live and it’s breaking my heart. It’s been 10 months of this and I have a major reaction to the bites (I have endometriosis and my immune system goes way more wild so theee bites are a MASSIVE physical pain and nuisance).
I previously said if it didn’t get better with meds, we should try to make him an indoor cat and build a good catio for him to still have some outside time without all the ground exposure. My partner is vehemently against that and says cats can’t adjust like that and he’s get rid of him before he’d make him go through that, so not it’s basically me or the cat as the options, even though he won’t say it like that and just keeps saying there’s nothing else to do.
So now we’re going to literally talk about whether I move out or he rehomes the cat, and those feel like insane options to me instead of trying to make the cat indoor first.
I moved in a month ago and love living there. Relationship is literally amazing. He deeply cares about me and this cat, and is just totally frozen trying to solve this since me and living with an outdoor flea ridden cat seem incompatible.
AITA here? Should I just deal with the fleas? Is it ACTUALLY a horrific idea to try to conver him to indoor with a catio?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I’m asking my boyfriend to make his day an indoor cat instead of indoor outdoor because of a recurrent flea problem. He says that’s terrible for cats and impossible to do and I’m essentially asking him to rehome the cat. I feel like that’s extremely dramatic and I’m not in the wrong for thinking he can try harder to deal with the fleas in ways that aren’t rehoming the cat.
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Why did you move in with the flea issue not completely resolved?
INFO: Whats the flooring like in your home?
Why do you move in with him knowing he had a flea infestation?
>My partner is vehemently against that and says cats can’t adjust like that and he’s get rid of him before he’d make him go through that
So, your partner would literally re-home the cat rather than create a catio or like, give consistent flea meds?
Your partner is an idiot.
NTA but….
>Relationship is literally amazing. He deeply cares about me and this cat
This is wrong. If he cared about either of you, he would take care of the flea problem.
NTA you are not overreacting. Fleas are a serious problem especially if your immune system reacts strongly and it’s affecting your health and comfort. Wanting to protect yourself is completely reasonable. Suggesting making the cat indoor with a catio is not extreme it’s a practical compromise that keeps the cat safe and gives it outdoor access without bringing fleas into the living space constantly. Your partner’s insistence on keeping the cat outside despite ongoing issues is not fair to you. You deserve a living environment that doesn’t make you sick.
fleas are a huge problem, NTA, but revolution killed my cat, use lufenuron it kills the flea life cycle and is not toxic to the kidneys like the other flea meds are.
Nta. My cat had fleas last year and they absolutely destroyed me. Every inch of my extremities were covered in bites. We mounted an aggressive attack on them and keep active watch for new infestations.
Go out of the house and take all pets, and bomb it (as in a fogger obviously before Reddit flips out on me). The cat needs a bath AND needs to have exterior applicated flea control meds like Revolution in addition to the RX meds. You also need to have your entire yard sprayed. Home Depot sells a lot of lawn stuff that kills fleas and ticks that are fairly inexpensive.
Let your bf know that as an outdoor cat, he is far less likely to live a long healthy life. A catio sounds like a great idea as does your constant compromising. There are a lot of red flags with a guy who is willing to give up a pet rather than come to an easier solution.
NTA. Fleas are not something you should “just deal with.” Your health comes first, and converting a cat to indoor life with a catio is totally doable—plenty of cats adjust just fine. If he’s frozen on solving this and making you choose between him or the cat, that’s on him, not you. You shouldn’t be living in a bite-fest for months.
NTA
But I don’t understand your bf’s problem. Fleas can carry diseases. Having fleas is not only bad for your health is also bad for the cat’s health.
If he doesn’t treat the cat against pests, he is a crappy, negligent pet owner. There is stuff against fleas that lasts. Washing bedding etc. I’ve never known anyone cat having fleas that long unless they were neglected.
If he doesn’t do it for you, maybe he’ll do it for the health of his cat.
He is right that most outdoor cats would probably have trouble being kept indoors all the time.
So get thee (or him, its his cat) to a proper vet. And take care of yourself. If he doesn’t care enough for you to support you staying healthy, this relationship is not worth it
NTA. He’s not going to change. If I were you, I’d rehome myself.
If the house is properly treated and the cat is getting the right kind of flea medication on a timely basis (once a month) fleas should NOT be a problem. Where do you live? I can give you some good hints on how to combat the problem if I know what area you are in.
NTA. Fleas are a huge health issue for you AND the cat. It’s absolute negligence on your bf’s part to let the cat go through that. Every cat I’ve ever had has been indoor-only and they are fine. It’s the safest choice to not only keep the cat away from fleas, but also predators, traffic, and evil humans, not to mention the ways roaming cats can decimate wildlife.
I object to the idea that your bf is “amazing.” He’s a careless pet owner (especially with rehoming over staying indoors, WTF) and a walking red flag for not taking serious action to address the fleas for all your sakes.
NTA, obviously, your partner is though, it feels like he’s set in his ways and not actually caring for you or the cat.
NTA.
Your boyfriend is wrong, by the way—cats CAN adjust like that. We had two cats who were outdoor cats the first 6 years of their life who we decided to make indoor cats when we moved because we were worried about them getting lost. They were fine. They were happy and healthy cats for the rest of their lives. One just passed a few months ago of old age at 17 years.
NTA. The fleas aren’t good for the kitty or you, and you shouldn’t have to deal with that. You can absolutely convert the cat to indoor life, too, and the cat will most likely live a much longer life.
NTA but that is full on animal neglect. Ask yourself if you want to actually be with someone who A)doesn’t take care of their dependents even at a bare minimum level and B) is clearly not concerned with your health and comfort and C)that sounds gross and I don’t know you but I do know you and the cat both deserve better. He will not change and you should absolutely leave
If he’s not being serious about the cats fleas and his first thought is to rehome the cat then let him do just that. Anyone that cares about their pet doesn’t go straight to rehoming them and imagine what that poor cat is going through with the bites. Your bf is an irresponsible pet owner, let the cat go to a home that will care for it
NTA and your boyfriend is not prioritizing the cat. If he cared the cat would be on consistent flea and tick treatments. The skin conditions that can be caused by fleas is serious and hes not taking your care or the cats seriously enough there the fleas are concerned.
NTA and your boyfriend sucks. I have two indoor/ outdoor cats, and the acceptable amount of bites is none, not “a few here or there”. You need to vacuum daily wherever the cats are allowed (and empty the vacuum afterwards), wash every garment, bedding, etc., treat the surfaces, the animals and their outdoor sleeping places or where they hang out a lot in the yard. The pills were the best I could give them when they got fleas, as the collars are worthless, and with spot-on treatments and baths we could only get partial results.
NTA. The cat needs to be protected from fleas if they’re indoor/outdoor. Not sure what you’re using right now, but if it’s topical, you need to make sure it’s applied every month (or every 3 months if that’s the dose) on the dot. No more skipping – accidental or otherwise.
Fleas are not just a nuisance, they can also transmit tapeworms. Both humans and cats can get tapeworms from fleas. The cat may not “like” it, but leaving the cat unprotected is dangerous for its health – and yours.
You need to bug bomb your home, boil/steam everything, and vanish the fleas inside the home. Then you need to setup preventative pest control for the futuree. You may need to hire pest control to manage it.
All bug infestations in the home are serious issues that need to be addressed IMMEDIATELY. The fact that you’ve lived with this for months is literally insane. Would you react this way if these were roaches? No, of course not. Fleas are bugs, and if they’ve infested your home, it’s a health and hygiene hazard.
EDIT: Just wanted to add, rehoming the cat will not stop the fleas. They’re already in your home, so even if the cat is no longer present, you will still 100% have fleas until you vanquish them.
> He’s also a major animal guy
No he’s not. He’s an animal abuser. He didn’t treat his cat for fleas = neglect. He didn’t do anything until you told him to. He still let’s the cat outside, potentially infecting other cats with fleas = not an animal lover. He’s thinking to rehome the cat before taking appropriate actions. Who even adopts a fleas riddled cat? Also a cat lover doesn’t forget to give the medicine. He just doesn’t take it seriously enough, which he literally said to you before.
> He wants me to not be bit, but also massively prioritizes what the cat like and doesn’t like.
No he doesn’t. The cat wants to not have fleas. Anything else is beyond the cat’s understanding, she can’t reflect on consequences etc.
> I previously said if it didn’t get better with meds, we should try to make him an indoor cat and build a good catio for him to still have some outside time without all the ground exposure. My partner is vehemently against that and says cats can’t adjust like that and he’s get rid of him before he’d make him go through that
No animal lover would say anything like that. And yes, cat’s are very much able to adjust to almost anything, just like any other animal.
> So now we’re going to literally talk about whether I move out or he rehomes the cat, and those feel like insane options to me instead of trying to make the cat indoor first.
That’s really insane. A catio sounds perfectly acceptable if you have a flea problem in the area. And “getting rid” of the cat before trying to adjust the cat to being indoor/ in the catio is not what anyone would do to if they would actually love the pet.
YTA. Only because you excuse your animal neglecting BF and pretend he loves the cat he’s treating so horribly. The cat deserves better and you watched the cat suffer long enough.