I (35f) split up with my ex just over a year ago. We had some issues with getting him to provide for our son (now 8). His parents were very much interested in the drama. When I made an application through official “Child Maintenance Service” and he received a schedule listing his monthly payments. His parents contacted me asking to agree to an unofficial payment plan, because the CMS amount was just too much, claiming that getting a lower amount agreed between us was better than not receiving a single penny through CMS. I refused, deciding that having this agreement on paper and not receiving it would still be better than maybe getting something.
My ex didn’t make a single payment and lost his job shortly after. His child maintenance amount was recalculated granting him payments of £7-ish/week, which he still refused to pay, which then caused the CMS to collect the money themselves and charging him (and me) some extra fees for the service. His parents were very much aware of it, and complained about it, especially about the fees [he gets charged 20%] and about the arrears that are still on the account.
I’m sorry for the long intro, but I find it important.
To the issue- it was my son’s birthday last week. I took time off and took him on a 2 short stay at one of the UK’s theme parks. When his dad and his family found out I received a call from his mother complaining that now that I live off her poor son I can afford taking my kid to trips like this and making his dad look bad in comparison. [for context- we’ve been to multiple theme parks over the years, including last year, when my ex still refused to pay a penny for his son]. I couldn’t help but laugh [in hindsight, I appreciate that it was immature, I just couldn’t collect my self quickly enough] and told her not to contact me about this “issue” again.
Well, she messaged me shortly after. I received a wall of text basically telling me off for making her son struggle, when I spent his money on memories and making myself look like the better parent.
I couldn’t take the bs and took two screenshots:
-
holiday booking confirmation (including hotel, park tickets etc)
-
Total Child Maintenance payments received in the last year
I sent it to her with a note: “Has your poor son sponsored our trip or has he taken active part in providing for [son’s name] over the last year? You can’t claim both. Pick one, please.”
In response I received more angry messages from both ex-MIL upset about being called out like that, and from my ex, who was angry that I got his mother involved and that I pointed out how bad he is at providing for our son.
I don’t think I got her involved, but my opinion may be skewed, so here I am, asking: Reddit- AITA?
Comments
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I (35f) split up with my ex just over a year ago. We had some issues with getting him to provide for our son (now 8). His parents were very much interested in the drama. When I made an application through official “Child Maintenance Service” and he received a schedule listing his monthly payments. His parents contacted me asking to agree to an unofficial payment plan, because the CMS amount was just too much, claiming that getting a lower amount agreed between us was better than not receiving a single penny through CMS. I refused, deciding that having this agreement on paper and not receiving it would still be better than maybe getting something.
My ex didn’t make a single payment and lost his job shortly after. His child maintenance amount was recalculated granting him payments of £7-ish/week, which he still refused to pay, which then caused the CMS to collect the money themselves and charging him (and me) some extra fees for the service. His parents were very much aware of it, and complained about it, especially about the fees [he gets charged 20%] and about the arrears that are still on the account.
I’m sorry for the long intro, but I find it important.
To the issue- it was my son’s birthday last week. I took time off and took him on a 2 short stay at one of the UK’s theme parks. When his dad and his family found out I received a call from his mother complaining that now that I live off her poor son I can afford taking my kid to trips like this and making his dad look bad in comparison. [for context- we’ve been to multiple theme parks over the years, including last year, when my ex still refused to pay a penny for his son]. I couldn’t help but laugh [in hindsight, I appreciate that it was immature, I just couldn’t collect my self quickly enough] and told her not to contact me about this “issue” again.
Well, she messaged me shortly after. I received a wall of text basically telling me off for making her son struggle, when I spent his money on memories and making myself look like the better parent.
I couldn’t take the bs and took two screenshots:
holiday booking confirmation (including hotel, park tickets etc)
Total Child Maintenance payments received in the last year
I sent it to her with a note: “Has your poor son sponsored our trip or has he taken active part in providing for [son’s name] over the last year? You can’t claim both. Pick one, please.”
In response I received more angry messages from both ex-MIL upset about being called out like that, and from my ex, who was angry that I got his mother involved and that I pointed out how bad he is at providing for our son.
I don’t think I got her involved, but my opinion may be skewed, so here I am, asking: Reddit- AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be TA because I should not have shared the child maintenance statements with somebody who was not the one making/ receiving those payments.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
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NTA. Does your son have a relationship with his grandparents? If not, I would just block them.
NTA
But delete her number. It’s up to your childs father to accommodate visits to his side of the family, there’s no need for you to be in contact with her.
I had an ex like this. The payment calculated was next to nothing, but he still wanted a different agreement between us for less. I had it collected from the start, he worked under the table to avoid it. Luckily I didn’t have his parents to deal with like you do, I feel for you.
From the moment I got divorced I promised myself that I wouldn’t let his issues decide our lives. I took my kid on trips and to theme parks and put him through private school on my own. He is grown and his dad was never a part of his life. He never missed him.
NTA, and good on you. You’re a good mom.
NTA
Why oh why is it ok for people to not pay proper child support? And why oh why do people think they can comment?
Tell his mother you are bringing your son up to be a responsible productive man, maybe she should take some notes to fix where she went wrong
NTA
1 – They wanted to f*** around…now they’re finding out
2 – YOU didn’t involve the MIL, SHE involved herself
3 – I wonder where your ex got his ‘I shouldn’t have to be mature and responsible when I can just complain instead’ trait?
NTA – you didn’t get your ex MIL involved in this – she pushed her self to the front & centre of all of it…
NTA. This is giving everything. I don’t think you went far enough. “Bless your heart, are you embarrassed by your dead beat son? It’s hard to raise good kids, isn’t it.”
Keep your receipts and use them every time.
I admire this level of one up-manship. Good for you! My ex a man filed a restraining order against me saying he feared for his life (total BS trying to get me out of the house) I sent a copy of it to all his brothers and sisters and his best friends. Guess which one of us moved to a diff state after that ? He also got laughed out of court.
Nta. he won’t pay for his kid, you did nothing wrong.
NTA why are you in contact with them. Ignore any questions from them or direct them to their son. You are under no obligation to let them know your personal business.
NTA. She involved herself the moment she tried to guilt-trip you over your own parenting. You just handed her the receipts. Actions have consequences – especially when you come for someone unprovoked.
NTA. She got herself involved. You just corrected the record.
NTA. You didn’t get his mother involved, she chose to involve herself. His refusal even to attempt to support his child is disgraceful.
NTA, but don’t engage. You rightfully have no respect for her, so don’t be dragged into justifying your choices to her. It just frustrates you, and gives her ammo. By engaging, you are sending the message that her opinion matters to you, and that she has a plausible reason to criticize you; neither is true.
NTAH.
But you are wasting your time with a denier of reality. You cannot have a rational argument with an irrational person. You cannot win an argument with someone who refuses to accept reality and facts.
So don’t bother. Continue through CMS, you were right, he will not pay unless it is enforced by law and as you have already experienced, he will resist that as well.
Stop arguing and fighting with his mother over this. Stop responding to her. You might think about blocking her. But definitely ignore her messages and refuse to further entertain her by resounding.
NTA
Fantastic reply – legend status for you!
But seriously, just block her number and stop communicating with her. Your ex can deal with his mother – there’s no reason for you to waste your time with her.
NTA – his mother got herself involved.
Honestly the both of them are pathetic and I would simply block her, as I doubt according to court order you have to remain in contact with her. If your ex is unable to facilitate a relationship between your child and his mother then that’s also his own problem. The easiest way to stop making it your problem is to completely eliminate them from communication outside of a parenting app.
Enjoy your time away! Ignore them! Block, do not disturb. Stay engaged in in the moment with your child, and place no focus on people who would rather fight with you than be present and loving figures in your child’s life. That is their choice, and it’s not your job to make them showing up easier.
NTA. Of course he’s telling her he’s paying more than requested and you’re blowing it. Now that she knows the truth he’s upset. Block her completely
Bravo, lovely! You put her in her place. Keep doing whenever she gets on her high horse.
Block her
NTA. MIL inserted herself into a situation that she doesn’t have all the details on and you provided receipts.
They’re upset because they’re probably used to bulldozing you. Good for you for standing up to both of them.
NTA in my option. The MIL inserted herself in this. She should have kept her mouth shut and good for you for standing up for yourself. You ex is a real winner. They need to really go after him. Ugh.
It’s no surprise to me that this woman raised such a loser. Sorry you have to deal with this. Agree with the others, block her on everything and delete her from your life. Never respond to her again.
Unless it’s in writing and filed with the court it doesn’t matter. Don’t play their game. He’s the kids father – he should be accountable. Finally – not their fucking business. Their child is an adult and this matter is between you and him.
nah, she had it coming. honestly, they sound exhausting, i’d block them too.
NTA
But stop responding to either of them about anything regarding money.
Honestly, stop responding to his parents altogether and only respond to him if it’s something about the child that is pertinent (exchange of the child for parenting time).
Nah, she involved herself. Apparently she’s the parent and not your ex. Is he a Mama’s boy? It would explain a lot. I would block her, but that’s just me. I have no patience for meddling busybodies. He’s the parent and the only one you need to interact with. She can sit down and shut up. Nta
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NTA. She took a seat at the table and gets to eat crow.
NTA. You didn’t get MIL involved, she’s never been uninvolved. Tell your ex, he needs to control his mother not you.
Stop speaking with her. She’s not part of your life anymore and you can tell her to stop contacting you or just block her. NTA.
NTA but if he’s only paying £7 a week, I don’t think they can claim either.
Don’t you love it when people send their flying monkeys and then complain when the victim fights back?
ETA NTA
NTA. At least he doesn’t get visitation.
What a terrible situation. I’m glad you’re there for your son.
Why aren’t you blocking crazy mil? I would not be entertaining her shit on my phone.
Nta. He has told her hes been making payments and she found out the truth. If he doesnt want mommy find out the truth tell her to mind her own business and stop messaging you. Keep telling your truth
nope she stuck her nose in.
NTA.
She inserted herself. NTA
You couldn’t buy a bottle of water at a theme park for the $7 he’s not paying you so I hardly think this is a you problem. He’s a deadbeat and his mother is delusional and the combination has to be hard to take but you’re handling this just right. They can’t fight logic and apparently don’t live in a rational world so I’d just let the ex continue to dig his own grave and put the mother on permanent ignore. It’s sad for your son but thankfully he has one parent who’s making him the priority – well done, mom. NTA.
YTA, to yourself. Stop engaging, communicating with her is not good for you mentally. Stop her BS, by blocking her and refusing to acknowledge anything she has to say. This will actually get under her skin more. Test her as she means nothing on your life, because it’s true
MIL got HERSELF involved. You only answered her questions. And ex-bf wouldn’t have made HIMSELF look like a crap dad if he actually wasn’t one, and stepped up to pay what he owes for his own child. NTA
Your ex MILshpuld be kicking her lazy since in the rear for not being a decent parent and helping pay for a child he helped create.
My son would never hear the end of it if he did this.
Ntah! You ex in-laws are though! It’s none of their business and need to stay out of it!
She involved herself. I’d tell her if she keeps enabling her son, you will let her whole world know exactly how despicable they are.
NTA – If you are able, if your country supports it, switch to ALL communication with child’s father and father’s family through a court approved parenting app. If they want to throw a fit where they know the court can access and observe, that’s on them. Then block all other forms of communication so they’re forced to use it.
Good on you for refusing the off the books payments because they would have turned around and used them to prove you didn’t need the higher amount.
I can 95% guarantee that this dude is doing under the table work so it can’t be seized by the court for payments.
Him and his parents are pieces of work and I’m sorry you are tangled up in this drama. I wish you and your child a lovely, happy life together and good luck.
As another responder said: keep all of your receipts (conversations via phone, text, and emails, physical mail; as well as a record of payments made both involuntary and voluntary and any fees you have to pay as a result). Like a log book for a sailing ship. Again: good luck! 🍀
NTA. Everyone has posted that it’s good practice to ignore the ex-MIL. Only thing I’d add is your son may be in the crossfire, so ensuring he doesn’t get caught in negative talk from your ex and his mom about money etc will be important. He’s older, so they may try to engage in parental alienation. It seems you’re doing a great job, but unfortunately others can say petty / nasty things to try to hurt you through your child
NTA she got herself involved without checking her facts and her son would have been fully aware of what she’s doing as she sounds very opinionated so EVERYONE will hear what she has to say. Both Mother and Son FAFO. Oh well.
NTA he’s a deadbeat and she has no business on how you spend time with your child. You’re a single mom being present with your kid so good on you
NTA. if she feels soooo bad about her poor boy having to pay money to care for his CHILD, then why doesn’t she pay it?
surely she could pay the full amount and he could pay her a little at a time, like they tried to do to you? bonkers really
NTA £7 a month is laughable 8yo boys probably use that in toilet role. Living off her son is 😂😂 honestly I be even pettier. Ooh look dad’s purchased 1 polo shirt for school
NTA, these people are clearly undeserving of respect and are not serious people. Give yourself peace of mind and don’t involve yourself with them beyond any relationship they have with your kid.
NTA save every single communication and if it continues get a lawyer (not sure what UK laws are like so I can’t really give much advise about it) surely this is harassment and there is some avenue you can exploit to get it to stop I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this
Get a restraining order
Poor son is blaming you instead of mommy for butting in where she doesn’t belong. Those two deserve each other. She might get tired of supporting him someday but will continue to do so anyway. NTA
NTA. Mommy Dearest got herself involved by trying to shame you for giving your kid a good childhood, despite what his father wants.
If your ex didn’t want to be shamed for being a bad dad, there are many steps he could take to be a good one. Instead, he does the exact opposite to make YOUR life harder with no concern to his son.
Sounds like MIL got herself involved
old bat got herself involved and wants to play victim when she is shown how little she knows. Big Wah!
NTA
I’m guessing your sperm donor has been telling his mother that he has been paying child support. Now he’s embarrassed at being caught out in his lies.
nta you didn’t get her involved n she got herself involved. You were right to call them out.
NTA
But that’s crazy they charge you for collecting from him, what s system.
Your responses (both laughing at her and the screenshots) were <chef’s kiss>.
Bravo, OP! Well done!
NTA. He probably borrowed money from his parents to “pay his child support” and blew it on beer at the pub instead.
NTA. Stop communicating about this issue with your ex-MIL as it’s none of her business. Do what you need to do to get some support for your son from his father, but do not allow MIL to be involved. This is angst you do not need. Just refuse to respond to her meddling.
I would not speak to either of them ever.
Is he involved in your son’s life ?
If not , cut all contact
They will only bring you and your son down.
>t I received a call from his mother complaining that now that I live off her poor son I can afford taking my kid to trips like this and making his dad look bad in comparison.
Uh…only handing over 7 quid per week, and that under duress?
He seems to be doing a bang up job of making himself look like like that, sis. 😹😹😹
NTA. Tell her to get bent.
NTA- he sends you barely 50 dollars a month and mom is frothing at the mouth that he is supporting your lifestyle? GTFOH. As someone pointed out son is probably telling mom one thing and you brought the receipts that showed another. Both exs can get stuffed.
NTA, she FAFO.
Now how do you keep grandma in your kid’s life, though?
Nta. She’s mad that her son’s actions reflect badly on her and doesn’t know any other way than to blame someone else.
Well.played.
Block her. There is genuinely no need to even talk to her. NTA
You are under no obligation to answer them. Doing so is just a courtesy. I would however point out to ex-MIL that her precious can do no wrong son helped create a child that was brought into this world. With that being said just because you two aren’t together anymore doesn’t give him a free pass to forego his responsibility. At some point her lack of parenting skills should not matter to you. Her son is a grown man and he has to grow up and learn to take care of his responsibilities, regardless. Maybe had she done a better job of raising her son his feelings wouldn’t be hurt when you decided to take her grandson on holidays. I would ask her “so does (your son’s name) have to go without holidays because (ex) is too lazy, irresponsible to take care of responsibility?That is a ridiculous mindset to have.” Furthermore, I would tell her it isn’t your responsibility to safeguard his imagine with his son. That’s his job alone. If he doesn’t like that imagine then he alone can then change it. It amazes me that people defend this behavior and act like the victims.
Nta. If you want any feedback it would be to have informed him she needs to stay out of it at the same time you first informed her
NTA. She poked the mama bear. Sending her the holiday costs and the support statement was the chef’s kiss. I salute you!
You can see where your ex gets his irresponsibility from.
I would be appalled and ashamed if my child wasn’t contributing to the upbringing of his child.
On a positive note, if you save up what he sends you, you may be able to afford a day out for your son when he hits adulthood.
NTA
NTA. She got herself involved.
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NTA. Your ex involved his parents in his private business by complaining about child support payments he owes. His mother further involved herself by harassing you about a trip you planned and paid for. It looks like the apple didn’t fall far from the tree in that family.
Well played. Nobody likes a mirror being held up in their faces, especially when they don’t look too flash. In this case, they look downright embarrassing. I think you’ve played your trumpet card now. I wouldn’t communicate at all going forward. NTA.
NTA. She needed a reality check and you had the receipts. From what I read, your ex’s apple did not fall far from the tree.
Time to ignore ex MIL
Always makes me laugh when non custodial parents think their minuscule payments are being used on holidays etc. Completely ignoring the clothes, food, electricity, roof etc that you are providing first and foremost. More than likely you are spending more money in less than a week than he contributes in a month.
I would block her and just keep doing everything through the CMS.
his mother got herself involved, and if he doesn’t want to be called out for being a bad parent, then maybe he shouldn’t act like one. NTA
NTA. You didn’t involve her. She involved herself, you responded. Could you have ignored and blocked her from the beginning? Sure, but you have no obligation to do so and she IS your child’s grandmother so perhaps you wanted to foster that relationship for your son.
Your ex’s mother should be ashamed of raising a so-called man who does not support his child.
fr, i’d lose my mind dealing with them
NTA he started it by 1 not supporting his children 2 running his mouth to his mother
NTA. They’re both lousy human beings.
Can’t have the cake and eat it too, especially when he isn’t paying for it. NTA
Dear Ex,
If you don’t like the truth, start providing real financial payments to your son. 7 quid pays for a couple of meals.
If you don’t like Mommy being involved, tell her to leave me alone and stay out of your finances.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m rather busy raising the child you abandoned. May you have the day you deserve.
OP
Don’t extend yourself into a dramorama with the in-laws. Focus on keeping all documentation regarding payments, expenses,etc and doing as much as you can to provide for your son because…mom…it’s all going to be up to you over the long term. That could mean upgrading work skills, education etc. And don’t go let go of your official and legal channels, as pointless as they may turn out to be. Do block the in-laws and do not accept or initiate any contact with them. MIL is an angry and resentful person who failed in her own job to raise a decent son. Don’t give her an avenue to lash out at you. If she finds herself totally cut off from tossing abuse your way, she’ll eventually direct it at her son where it belongs.