My husband (30 male) and I (29 female) have been together for 8 years, married for 2. I’ve never posted on here before so sorry if this is a mess. Tonight on my way home from work I called my husband and told him I was feeling sick, that I’m exhausted, and stressed out because all I want to do is sleep, but I have to get groceries, finish laundry, etc.
In an attempt to lighten my load of chores, my husband encouraged me to lay down after work and said he would go to the grocery store. I was ecstatic and thanked him for doing that, and asked if I could send him some things that I want, because I work in the office (he works at home) and I never have anything to bring for lunch.
Also an important note, last time I went to the store, I asked him for his list because I wanted to make sure I didn’t miss his favorites, and he sent me 20 items. I didn’t think anything of it. Okay back to the story at hand.
After I asked him if I could send some items that I want to have at the house to eat, he said that’s fine but seemed annoyed and asked me to “keep it short.” This already didn’t make me feel great, because I don’t say that to him when I do the shopping, I’m happy to grab things for him. I sent him a text with a list of 19 things, 12 being more things that I like and he does not (cottage cheese, some cucumbers, almond milk, etc.) the remaining 7 were just reminders of things I know he wouldn’t want to forget for both of us (bread, peanut butter, etc.)
Another side story, his routine is typically to come home and “present” everything he got plus surprise items for me and treats for our dog. I love that he does this and I was super excited.
So he went to the store, got home and I was waiting to help carry bags in. He did not talk to me, carried the groceries inside with his headphones in, ignoring me. I tried to ask how the store was, and he said “it took a while.” He then just started putting groceries away and I asked what was happening because this isn’t our routine. He continued shutting me out until finally he snapped and told me he was irritated that I sent him SO much stuff to get and that I ignored his request for a short list, that he told me he didn’t want to check anything off a list and that since I sent these things he had to look for them and it ruined everything.
This argument blew up until I apologized and am now laying in bed crying. He does not believe he has done anything wrong and does not feel he owes me any apology. This is not an isolated incident. Am I an idiot? Did I do something wrong here? I need outside opinions, because him and I can go in circles for days and days and we just do not see eye to eye. I never limit him to things he can ask for when I go shopping, I like to pick up food for him that he likes, it makes him happy. Why is it that I’m made to feel like a burden when I want him to do the same for me? I don’t know. I could really use some opinions here, even if you think I am the ah please give advice (nicely).
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My husband (30 male) and I (29 female) have been together for 8 years, married for 2. I’ve never posted on here before so sorry if this is a mess. Tonight on my way home from work I called my husband and told him I was feeling sick, that I’m exhausted, and stressed out because all I want to do is sleep, but I have to get groceries, finish laundry, etc.
In an attempt to lighten my load of chores, my husband encouraged me to lay down after work and said he would go to the grocery store. I was ecstatic and thanked him for doing that, and asked if I could send him some things that I want, because I work in the office (he works at home) and I never have anything to bring for lunch.
Also an important note, last time I went to the store, I asked him for his list because I wanted to make sure I didn’t miss his favorites, and he sent me 20 items. I didn’t think anything of it. Okay back to the story at hand.
After I asked him if I could send some items that I want to have at the house to eat, he said that’s fine but seemed annoyed and asked me to “keep it short.” This already didn’t make me feel great, because I don’t say that to him when I do the shopping, I’m happy to grab things for him. I sent him a text with a list of 19 things, 12 being more things that I like and he does not (cottage cheese, some cucumbers, almond milk, etc.) the remaining 7 were just reminders of things I know he wouldn’t want to forget for both of us (bread, peanut butter, etc.)
Another side story, his routine is typically to come home and “present” everything he got plus surprise items for me and treats for our dog. I love that he does this and I was super excited.
So he went to the store, got home and I was waiting to help carry bags in. He did not talk to me, carried the groceries inside with his headphones in, ignoring me. I tried to ask how the store was, and he said “it took a while.” He then just started putting groceries away and I asked what was happening because this isn’t our routine. He continued shutting me out until finally he snapped and told me he was irritated that I sent him SO much stuff to get and that I ignored his request for a short list, that he told me he didn’t want to check anything off a list and that since I sent these things he had to look for them and it ruined everything.
This argument blew up until I apologized and am now laying in bed crying. He does not believe he has done anything wrong and does not feel he owes me any apology. This is not an isolated incident. Am I an idiot? Did I do something wrong here? I need outside opinions, because him and I can go in circles for days and days and we just do not see eye to eye. I never limit him to things he can ask for when I go shopping, I like to pick up food for him that he likes, it makes him happy. Why is it that I’m made to feel like a burden when I want him to do the same for me? I don’t know. I could really use some opinions here, even if you think I am the ah please give advice (nicely).
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I sent him a few items I wanted and I thought this would be fine since I always pick things up for him…but maybe I am the ah for sending things when he said he didn’t want a long list
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA Just because you sent a list of groceries to someone or something along the lines of that does not make you an asshole for asking someone to get groceries and then helping them bring them in!
NTA it’s not doing the grocery shop if he doesn’t get everything you both need because then you have to go do a second shop later on. It’s the same as only doing half of any job or chore.
NTA. If he thought that your list was too long for what he had energy for he could have said so when you sent it instead of punishing you for it later. “Short” isn’t specific. This whole thing makes it sound like he just wanted credit for being helpful rather than to actually be helpful.
NTA – this sounds like there needs to be a larger conversation about the division of labour at home. If you’re both working, you should be splitting the chores. Why did he even offer to do the grocery shopping if he was going to fuss and carry on about actually getting the items?
NTA and if this isnt an isolated incident then id strongly consider evaluating if this is a healthy relationship for you
NTA. He’s acting like a baby! Next time you go 4 him, I would deliberately forget his fav thing! And stop apologizing for doing nothing wrong
Show him these comments 4 breakfast 😋
NTA. He seems immature and this is not about groceries. He’s probably feeling insecure or unappreciated and that’s on him. He needs to express his feelings like an adult instead of blowing up at you.
I think what you did wrong was marry a selfish guy.
NTA. If you’re petty like me, I’d stop getting him anything. But that’s probably not helpful. I’m not sure what would help though, if he isn’t willing to listen to you.
NTA. Your husband offered to do a chore, then wants to cut it short. Frankly, he sounds super lazy. It’s pretty normal to give a list to the spouse that’s shopping. He absolutely does owe you an apology.
You say this isn’t an isolated incident. I’d really evaluate what patterns exist here. The two of you should be sharing responsibilities and if he thinks he gets to snap at you for having to do basic tasks then he’s not any sort of man I’d want in my life.
NTA, was he offering to help or not? Cause doing the whole job so you don’t have to worry about it is helpful.
It sounds like he had a big sad over a chore. My 8-yr-old does that too. Tell him to grow up and help out.
I am so confused. He offered to go get groceries and then got mad because you gave him a list of groceries you wanted?
Weaponized incompetence. He did this on purpose so that you won’t ask him to grocery shop again. He’s a dick. A list is a list. Sometimes it has 20 things sometimes it has 10 things.
You were “sick, exhausted and stressed” but his offer to get the groceries converted you to being ecstatics and super excited…ready to bring in the bags and looking for a treat?
He offered to go out of routine to help you so you could crawl in bed. The shift is super weird. You aren’t direct, but it sounds like the items you were planning to pick up were fewer than the list you came up with.
It feels like if you had sent him a list of the items you were planning to get, the. Curled up in bed, he would have executed this chore without incident. But your perkiness likely left him feeling like he got gamed.
You’re NTA. Your husband is behaving like an adolescent who has been asked to rinse off his plate and put it in the dishwasher.
Picking up a couple dozen things at the grocery store is such a basic, minimal chore that most of us do without the theatrics. We just do it.
Does he expect a reward for accomplishing the feat? I hope he went to Publix since they give children a free cookie.
NTA. He’s a 🚩
You sound like a really nice person. Run.
ESH: Use technology. Create a list on your phone that is shareable with him. You both can add things to the list. And whoever is getting groceries can look at the up to date list.
Also most grocery stores deliver or have pick up services. So for a small fee you could shop on line have your husband pick up the groceries on the way home.
You both sound like you are wanting to pick a fight with each other.
NTA. Your husband sounds like a petulant child. The circles you have to dance around him because you asked him to pick up groceries is nuts. You ruined him going to the store? WTF? All he had to do was text you back and ask for a shorter list if it really mattered to him. He chose to pout and pick a fight instead. And this will be a DAYS LONG fight? And let me guess, it will end with you apologizing and going out of your way to please him?
Get out of this cycle and get into counseling, solo if he won’t do couples therapy.
NTA. Is he also mad that you put gas in a car to drive it? Going to grocery stores involves getting specific items. Does he usually just go off vibes?
My daughter is like this but she is 16 AuDHD, with SPD and anxiety…. If your spouse is part of the alphabet soup brigade might just be easier to do store pickup on sick days
Edit – NTA
Unless there is a specific neuro issue here – how hard is grocery shopping?
I could close my eyes and walk the aisles of our two local supermarkets and tell you pretty much where everything is.
What this post tells me is that he rarely sets foot inside a grocery store – so yeah, it will take more time because he’s never bothered to either pay attention or learn.
This strategy is a perfect way of never having to do the grocery shopping again.
NTA. How difficult is it to Goodwill grocery store, but things in a cart, put them in a bag, and take the bag inside? It’s not like you asked him for a kidney transplant.
Stop apologizing!!! He’s a jerk
NTA-but if this a regular thing with him I think you may need couples therapy. It sounds like communication issues but also, to be frank, that he’s an asshole. That you ask him for help and he gets irritated and acts put upon makes me think he sees you less as a partner and more as a roommate with benefits.
Where is the red flag waving guy when you need him? This is one of those moments where your spouse had the opportunity to show you a small kindness in addition to the normal division of labor. (I’m curious about that too, by the way. I’m hoping that your husband regularly does things like go to the grocery store for necessities and that he does this without needing a list from you because he is an adult who shouldn’t need to be managed by his spouse but I digress.)
This is not complicated, the choices in front of your husband are thus: 1) be an adult and pick up the slack when your spouse needs support or 2) be a petulant child and whine after offering to provide said help.
This is why we have a shared list that every member of our household can add to from their phones.
If someone says, “oh can we can/we are out of…” they know to add it to the list.
Don’t add it, don’t expect it to be purchased, because I will forget.
Running to the store yourself? You can use Mom’s card to buy your donuts or whatever, if you get the stuff on the list.
Your husband is TA
NTA. Your husband is selfish. He isn’t lightening your load by offering to go to the store but not actually getting what you want.
You say this isn’t an isolated incident – what else does he do where he doesn’t consider you?