Hi all, my husband and I are recently separated and heading for a divorce. We have three children, 2 together and one that he brought into the marriage and they are all mostly staying with me.
Our kids and I have all been going for MMA classes once a week for about a year before the separation and I think it was great. We were having fun, it was great bonding, great exercise and especially for me and the girls a great way to increase our confidence.
As part of our separation agreement, dad insisted that the kids stop MMA, because it’s “too aggressive” and he doesn’t want them to “turn out like” me. I agreed to stop taking them, because there were surely bigger things at stake and I didn’t feel like that should be my hill to die on. I tried to gently explain to the kids that we are not going to do MMA anymore and to pick a different activity.
Still, I didn’t really know how to explain why, without blaming their dad or without claiming something I absolutely don’t believe and can’t defend (MMA will make them aggressive), sooo I send them to dad whenever they ask. And most especially our middle child on the spectrum asks about it a lot (she asks to go every single week and usually cries when I say no).
Now my husband is mad at me that I keep sending the kids to him whenever they ask about going for MMA again or about why we stopped instead of just implementing “our decision”.
Am I the asshole here? I’m not badmouthing him or anything. Just when a kid asks to go I tell them “ooh let’s ask daddy about it. Let’s call him right now”. Or something along those lines
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Hi all, my husband and I are recently separated and heading for a divorce. We have three children, 2 together and one that he brought into the marriage and they are all mostly staying with me.
Our kids and I have all been going for MMA classes once a week for about a year before the separation and I think it was great. We were having fun, it was great bonding, great exercise and especially for me and the girls a great way to increase our confidence.
As part of our separation agreement, dad insisted that the kids stop MMA, because it’s “too aggressive” and he doesn’t want them to “turn out like” me. I agreed to stop taking them, because there were surely bigger things at stake and I didn’t feel like that should be my hill to die on. I tried to gently explain to the kids that we are not going to do MMA anymore and to pick a different activity.
Still, I didn’t really know how to explain why, without blaming their dad or without claiming something I absolutely don’t believe and can’t defend (MMA will make them aggressive), sooo I send them to dad whenever they ask. And most especially our middle child on the spectrum asks about it a lot (she asks to go every single week and usually cries when I say no).
Now my husband is mad at me that I keep sending the kids to him whenever they ask about going for MMA again or about why we stopped instead of just implementing “our decision”.
Am I the asshole here? I’m not badmouthing him or anything. Just when a kid asks to go I tell them “ooh let’s ask daddy about it. Let’s call him right now”. Or something along those lines
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I send my kids to their dad whenever they ask about doing MMA because he’s the one who decided to do it
(2) I did initially agree to stop them (though under pressure), so maybe sending them to him to deal with it could make me the asshole
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, not at all. You agreed coz it wasn’t a hill to die on in the big picture, but why should you have to defend an absurdity you don’t really support?
It’s a brilliant way to give him the finger: have him deal with the situation he caused.
I can see why he gets mad but frankly, if he really believes in this decision, he should have no issues explaining it to your kids.
NTA but talk to your lawyer about revising the agreement. Or tell your husband he needs to explain to the kids because it’s what he wanted.
Alternatively start boxing or karate or something else physical with them. It’s not in the separation agreement so it should work.
NTA, for sending kids to dads so he can explain his stupid idiotic logic
YTA, for enabling and agreeing with stupid idiotic logic by following it. You should have told him to go F himself and kept doing the MMA classes with your kids.
Soooo he’s trying to control you all but won’t defend his own control and whinges when you refuse to be the bad guy? Good thing you’re divorcing him.
I think it’s actually a pretty good hill to die on.
I wonder why he has such strong opinions about confident and empowered girls and women in his life.
As your kids are so upset about it maybe it does need to be one of the many hills to die in while you navigate your divorce.
He made the rule, he deals with the fallout. He can’t control ur kids and avoid their questions. That’s his problem, not urs.
Nta. And amend the separation agreement. It’s clearly negatively affecting the kids and the whole point of separation is to keep the kids away from toxic things that don’t affect them.
NTA He wants it, then he can explain it to them
Well, passive aggressive, but yes, make dad explain his decision. What about another martial art? If the agreement specifically says MMA then you won’t be breaking it.
NTA
It was not “our” decision it was his decision. You just chose to pick your battles and that one wasn’t it. He’s got his knickers in a knot because he expected you to be the bad guy when the kids got upset and we’re asking questions why they could no longer go to MMA, and instead you are forcing him to step up and take his own accountability for his decisions and making him actually do the dirty work for a change
Updateme
NTA. You provided the dad the opportunity to communicate with his children. That’s wonderful!
NTA.
Your are not badmouthing. You are telling the truth. They can’T go because their father doesn’t want too.
That’s tough. I probably only would have agreed to his demand if he was the one to communicate it.
While still together, you obviously need a united front. Separated, less so, though you don’t want to bad mouth each other in front of the kids, and should still appear amicable.
I think NTA, as it’s fine to make him own his decision in this instance
ESH because you, should be fighting for your kids. Your husband is being controlling and you’re letting him have that power over your lives. It will start will MMA, but it won’t stop there. Soon, he’ll be controlling who you’re dating, how you’re parenting, what you’re doing in your free time…
Put a stop to it immediately, send your kids back to their MMA practice.
ESH.
Him for obvious reasons and you for going along with something so unreasonable and letting your children be upset over it.
Sending them to their dad every time they ask is just using them as pawns.
NTA but you need to be straight with them and just say unfortunately your dad no longer wants you to do MMA so you will have to leave it with him. But honestly why can’t you take your children to an activity they enjoy with you on your time.