This post could go either way, but I am genuinely confused and would appreciate an outside perspective. My partner Q(27M) and I N(30F) have been in a relationship for 2 years of which we have been engaged for 8 months. I have a kid (7F) who we will call K, and Q is not her biological father. This MIGHT be relevant. I worked hard when I had my daughter and have managed to get my own place, my degree and a permanent position at a university. He works for his parents’ recycling business, which is starting to decline because of bigger companies taking over. Q’s parents are aware that the business is not doing well, but despite this they (47F and 72M) have decided that they do not want to work anymore and that he should take over and make sure that it earns enough money to sustain them. They are currently renting and did not make provision for retirement. I am scared that the business will not be successful and that my partner will not have an income, so I have been trying to encourage him to look for a full time job while his mother who is still able to work oversees the business alongside him. This is stressing me out because there is an unspoken expectation that I will take care of all of them when the business inevitable fails and I am not willing to because there is and has been more than enough time for them to make provisions. He also has a sister (19F) who sits at home whole day and is not working, and there is no expectation to work, yet they seem content with me working to provide for everyone. I have said that I refuse to take care of anyone besides my child now he says I am heartless for not being willing to help when the time comes. I do not feel like it is my responsibility. Thoughts?
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This post could go either way, but I am genuinely confused and would appreciate an outside perspective. My partner Q(27M) and I N(30F) have been in a relationship for 2 years of which we have been engaged for 8 months. I have a kid (7F) who we will call K, and Q is not her biological father. This MIGHT be relevant. I worked hard when I had my daughter and have managed to get my own place, my degree and a permanent position at a university. He works for his parents’ recycling business, which is starting to decline because of bigger companies taking over. Q’s parents are aware that the business is not doing well, but despite this they (47F and 72M) have decided that they do not want to work anymore and that he should take over and make sure that it earns enough money to sustain them. They are currently renting and did not make provision for retirement. I am scared that the business will not be successful and that my partner will not have an income, so I have been trying to encourage him to look for a full time job while his mother who is still able to work oversees the business alongside him. This is stressing me out because there is an unspoken expectation that I will take care of all of them when the business inevitable fails and I am not willing to because there is and has been more than enough time for them to make provisions. He also has a sister (19F) who sits at home whole day and is not working, and there is no expectation to work, yet they seem content with me working to provide for everyone. I have said that I refuse to take care of anyone besides my child now he says I am heartless for not being willing to help when the time comes. I do not feel like it is my responsibility. Thoughts?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Am i wrong for saying I will not take care of his family when the business fails? This will result in his family not being able to pay their rent or sustain themselves because his mother has no work experience and his dad is old.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
> I do not feel like it is my responsibility.
NTA – It isn’t. But, if he inherits it while you are married, it might become yours. Do you have a pre-nup to protect you from any negative impacts of this family business failing in the future?
Run.
You’re absolutely right. It’s not fair to your child to support an entire family that you aren’t even related to. Even IF you were married, they are all able adults.
Walk away now, don’t waste any more of your time with this man and his family.
You know you can do it on your own very successfully so don’t create a weight around your neck with someone who shows you they intend to use you.
Sounds like the fact that he will support his family when the business fails is set in stone. If it is, you can’t be with this man if you’re not on board with that. Time to decide now if you want that to be your responsibility or not, because if you marry him, it will be.
Look, did anyone catch the age difference between the parents?! Dad might not have planned for retirement but mum sure the fuck can. She’s 47! She should start now! And son can find a job while running the business. Any profits should go into an IRA for at least mum. Or he can run the business and mum can go get a job. 😬
The fact that the mom is only 47 and wants to retire when she has a failing business and no savings is crazy. Mom and dad are super entitled, and fiancé sounds like their doormat and he wants you to be one too.
Your SO, his mother and sister are all assholes.
No reason for you to carry everyone.
None.
Run.
It is so much not your responsibility that I would reconsider the relationship.
NTA
This is not a partner but an anchor. Cut the line and sail on. It certainly seems like you are the only means to support their standard of living. Count yourself lucky to flee or you will be posting on reddit for years to come about FIL/MIL/husband problems.
There’s probably 0 chance of saving that business. They should dissolve it & your fiance should get a job elsewhere. This is the only thing that makes sense.
its not your responsibility and why cant they just sell the business?
NTA. Looks like someone married someone for money that wasn’t there and raised a family of gold diggers and hobosexuals. Stand firm.
This sounds DISASTROUS. His parents think he can save a dying company AND support them financially?
You need to talk to your fiance about your concerns, if he doesn’t see your side and want to pursue other things, then you need to leave this sinking ship or you’ll be financially responsible for FOUR people (fiance, mil, fil and sil). Be very clear you will only be financially responsible for your immediate family, you fiance and your child, that’s it. You are not anybody’s retirement fund but your own.
Do not marry him until this is sorted, get a prenup if you have to.
Run as fast as you can. If your fiancé is not willing to enforce your boundary, then you will end up taking care of aaaaaallllllll these people, including sister & fiancé.
The only way to make this workable is if (i) fiancé sells the business to the highest bidder and tries to make money out of it before it closes; and (ii) fiancé agrees that whatever money the parents get after receiving their share of the buy-out is it…no further funds or care will be forthcoming. But honestly, fiancé has already shown his hand. I would frankly not trust any promises he makes and would run for the hills before becoming breadwinner AND caretaker.
NTA
Adults shouldn’t be depending upon anyone else to support them. It’s up to them to support themselves. You don’t need to work to support a bunch of moochers (Including your fiancè). He isn’t looking for a partner, he wants a slave. Run girl, don’t spend the rest of your life trying to keep his family comfortable.
NTA. You have a responsibility to take care of your daughter and nobody else, least of all Q’s parents. Do NOT let them into your house! Get that prenup! Does the sister live with you? If not don’t let her in either.
RUN RUN RUN
NTA but it is time to reevaluate your relationship. It may be time to move on. Even with a prenup things can turn bad for you. It will become more complicated if you have a child with this man.
I don’t understand why you are staying? He’s told you what is expected of you, you don’t agree. Leave.
ESH
You’ve been engaged for 8 months, which means you were dating for 18 months before getting engaged? Is there the chance he started dating you because he figured you were well off and could provide for him and his family?
End this relationship. If they are fine with sister not working, they will be fine with him not working once the company goes belly up and he will expect your daughter to go without to provide for his parents and sister.
I don’t understand why you are staying? He’s told you what is expected of you, you don’t agree. Leave.
ESH
NTA, and I don’t see any reason why you would think it could either way. You have busted your butt to get in to a good place for you and your daughter. You should NOT, under any circumstances take on his family business or the caring and paying for their life. At this point, I would be seriously reconsidering the engagement. Premarital counseling is a must about this issue and if you do actually decide you want to marry him, knowing his family will always be an issue between you and it doesn’t sound like he will be taking your side and backing you up on boundaries, then a prenup is an absolute must! Good luck, and keep us posted.
NTA. There is no way I would tie myself to this man and his family. Your finances and hard work should benefit you and your daughter not a bunch of adults who don’t want to work.
If you want to stay with him, you should put the wedding on hold. Live separately so you’re not supporting him and talk to him about your concerns. If he doesn’t make a realistic plan and show you that he can be an equal partner and not a drain, I would leave.
INFO: Are your partner’s parents both his bio parents, or is one of them a step or adoptive parent? The only reason I ask is because if they are both bio-parents, then when your partner was born his mom was 20 and his dad was 45? That dynamic might affect their whole relationship.
Yes. Who wants to take care of a bunch of old farts that are not their responsibility. Ntah
This is not a good situation. I really think you should reconsider making any legal commitment in this family.
His plan is to take over a failing business and try to support himself, his parents, and his sister, even though only his dad is at retirement age. And then he’s expecting you to step in when this plan fails. This is a terrible idea. Please don’t get entangled in this. Even a prenup is not enough, because it will protect you legally but not emotionally when the wheels fall off. I would not marry him under these circumstances. NTA.
Think long and hard about actually marrying this man and have a solid prenup if you do.
It’s not your responsibility. Why would you have to work your ass off for yourself and then in-laws. If they already know it is inevitable to save the company. They need to do something else. Plan for the future. This situation is not all on you
NTA. It’s not anyone’s job to take care of someone else’s family. That’s a big sense of entitlement and will probably get worse the more you give. Especially a man expecting a woman to take care of his family when they retire.
Re-think your engagement to this man if he indeed refuses to be independent financially. Make it clear that you will not marry his entire family. LOL
NTA but call things off for now, they need to wake up and handle their own futures without YOUR money.
Oh, hell no. GTFO immediately and don’t look back.
You’re about to inherit fully grown infants who would move in and never leave
NTA
NTA! This relationship is so weak, it could be cut with safety scissors. You have no concrete relationship with this man, yet it is the expectation that you house and care for four fully grown adults; two with an age gap so large that their relationship shouldn’t be an example for you. Please leave this guy before your daughter gets sucked into this messy household.
NTA. I think you need to end this relationship now. This man is willing to take resources from your child in service of his family. Don’t let him twist things, this is ultimately about protecting your child from harm. She is your only responsibility.
You don’t owe those people a thing.
NTA
They should seek out a larger recycling company and offer to sell theirs to them. That gives his parents retirement funds and your fiance the opportunity to find a real job
Don’t marry this man. If you do and the business fails you are tied to a man who has nothing but debts, ruined credit and the expectation of four extra cuckoos in the nest. Whilst he may get another job his parents have already told you they won’t and the sister is going to be nothing but a mooch. If she can’t get off her lazy bum to help a failing family business she won’t step up to support her parents later.
This is going to be a you problem.
But it is OK because your boyfriend found himself a hardworking woman who is strong enough to work hard, get an education whilst caring for a child all by herself. You have all the skills he needs to turn you into financial provider and carer for his family. You are a ready made solution to all his business and family needs!
Run for the hills girl. You and your daughter will get eaten up by these sharks and pulled under. They will work you to death and there won’t be a penny spare to put towards college for your own child. Save yourself and your daughter and cut yourselves free whilst you can.
NTA. Give back the ring. Under no circumstances should you marry this man. He’s not financially stable, his family isn’t financially stable and with the huge age gap between his parents, his father could end up needing long term care sooner than later and you could end up supporting his mother for the next 40 years. Hell to the no. Give back the ring and end the relationship. This has disaster written all over it.
Please tell me you don’t live together. Ntat
YTA for expecting us to follow your alphabet jumble instead of just using fake names. It literally tells you to in the posting guidelines. Don’t expect people to read things that are headache-inducing. See also: paragraphs.
Do not marry this man! You’ll regret it big time.
You already know their expectations of you, if you marry this guy you will end up supporting another four adults. His mum is only 17 years older than you. She is nowhere near retirement age and even his dad could have another 20/30 years ahead of him not to mention a 19 year old who isn’t working. If he shares their expectation then he isn’t the one. To be clear it’s not just your fiancé who’s a red flag the whole family are red flags. The dad was 45 when he got a 20 year old pregnant. Their first child is happy to while away the hours until the family business goes under and then plans to depend on you and their youngest kid isn’t even pretending to want a job. Just take your kid and leave this mess.
Sooooo… Would you do this to your daughter in 20 years time? True early, with no savings, and expect her to provide for you instead of saving for her own future?
Would you want her to sacrifice her time, money and energy looking after somebody else’s family?
Because that’s what your daughter is going to see as normal if sure grows up as part of this family.
Is that what you want for her?
Nope. Fuck them and him. He needs to grow the fuck up.
NTA. Leave now. Don’t waste anymore time arguing over this. It’s not your responsibility. His mom is young enough to work.
NTA. Do NOT marry this man!!! The family is quicksand and I guarantee you will regret it if you marry him.
NTA. OP. Something that took me a while to digest is the fact that a fiancé is giving you their very best right now. There is little reason to believe that he is going to actually change. Stop looking at his potential. It means nothing. It’s not fair to anyone, even him, if you are setting your sights on his potential.
If you are self sustaining, I believe that you know it’s time to stop giving him and his family any more chances. They have already shown you who they are. He’s already caved by not pursuing his own dreams.
I imagine that you want a father figure for your child. Do you really want your fiancé’s people to be your child’s guide? If you can’t do better for yourself, do better by your child.
I’ve been there and done that. It will be even more of a heartbreak by prolonging the inevitable. I’ve put all of my desires and dreams on hold by “having to” take care of multiple people throughout my life. I constantly put myself last. And you know what? No one was thankful. No one was ultimately considerate. Don’t put yourself in that situation. You are going to be miserable for the rest of your life. Your child will suffer too. Best of luck to you.
Never go joint on a credit card with him. Never let him have access to your bank or banking information. Never let him handle the finances. His whole family is already planning on taking from you.