Me (33F) and my husband (35M) bought a house with his parents (my in-laws), who paid the deposit while we handle the mortgage. We set up a deed of trust to protect them and our kids (11F from my previous relationship, and 2F). They wanted to move to the city from the countryside, and we wanted out of renting since we’re living paycheck to paycheck and can’t save. They’re still fit but aging, and we agreed to care for them later, so no care home, as I’m a nurse and happy to help. It benefits the kids having grandparents around, reduces costs, and keeps family close.
The issue is that my SIL (32F) acts like she owns this house and that she disrespects her parents. Her parents are scared of her as she would have outbursts. She doesn’t like the way we live as we are living together with my in-laws and helping each other out. She thinks that we are using her parents for money and for babysitting. I send my youngest to nursery and will care for her after night shifts, we don’t bother my in-laws so much would occassionally ask for help but not abuse them. She uses her parents to look after her children quite alot and passes on the responsibility to her parents when she is around. They would often have sleepovers here. But this has stopped since she got pregnant with Baby #4 from BD#3 as her pregnancy wasn’t taken happily and has lost control over her parents. During a family visit with her uncle/aunt, she tried napping in our living room, Husband turned on TV; she asked to lower volume. He suggested she sleep upstairs in in-laws’ room or go home (she lives 200m away). She stormed off crying, demanding in-laws to scold my husband.
We didn’t want to be part of the manipulation any longer, and have asked the family to either separate ways, them downgrading to a flat and possibly struggle financially and us moving far to be able to afford a house, or set a boundary where SIL can’t come around when me, my husband and kids are around. As we don’t want her around us or our kids. Her kids are still welcome anytime. But she doesn’t agree with this as this is her parents house and not ours. If she’s not allowed then her kids are not allowed too. They were able to see the grandkids initially but SIL didn’t like the fact that she can’t come around anytime like before.
She doesn’t understand this as she has been on benefits most of her life, housed in a council house as a single parent.
AITA/AWTA for staying with in-laws, and choosing to stay with them for family stability, care for elders and boundaries to protect our household?
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Me (33F) and my husband (35M) bought a house with his parents (my in-laws), who paid the deposit while we handle the mortgage. We set up a deed of trust to protect them and our kids (11F from my previous relationship, and 2F). They wanted to move to the city from the countryside, and we wanted out of renting since we’re living paycheck to paycheck and can’t save. They’re still fit but aging, and we agreed to care for them later, so no care home, as I’m a nurse and happy to help. It benefits the kids having grandparents around, reduces costs, and keeps family close.
The issue is that my SIL (32F) acts like she owns this house and that she disrespects her parents. Her parents are scared of her as she would have outbursts. She doesn’t like the way we live as we are living together with my in-laws and helping each other out. She thinks that we are using her parents for money and for babysitting. I send my youngest to nursery and will care for her after night shifts, we don’t bother my in-laws so much would occassionally ask for help but not abuse them. She uses her parents to look after her children quite alot and passes on the responsibility to her parents when she is around. They would often have sleepovers here. But this has stopped since she got pregnant with Baby #4 from BD#3 as her pregnancy wasn’t taken happily and has lost control over her parents. During a family visit with her uncle/aunt, she tried napping in our living room, Husband turned on TV; she asked to lower volume. He suggested she sleep upstairs in in-laws’ room or go home (she lives 200m away). She stormed off crying, demanding in-laws to scold my husband.
We didn’t want to be part of the manipulation any longer, and have asked the family to either separate ways, them downgrading to a flat and possibly struggle financially and us moving far to be able to afford a house, or set a boundary where SIL can’t come around when me, my husband and kids are around. As we don’t want her around us or our kids. Her kids are still welcome anytime. But she doesn’t agree with this as this is her parents house and not ours. If she’s not allowed then her kids are not allowed too. They were able to see the grandkids initially but SIL didn’t like the fact that she can’t come around anytime like before.
She doesn’t understand this as she has been on benefits most of her life, housed in a council house as a single parent.
AITA/AWTA for staying with in-laws, and choosing to stay with them for family stability, care for elders and boundaries to protect our household?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) Setting a boundary that SIL can’t come to the house when we are around (me, my husband and kids).
2) As we are taking a stand to protect our family and values.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
INFO
Whose name is on the deed?
Because if the house is not yours, you do not get to dictate anything about who is allowed to visit the property.
Also, even if SIL is a pain, she is still your in-laws’ daughter and you cannot dictate their relationships for them. If you are unhappy with things how they are, you need to move out.
NTA for wanting some space from her, but all the adults in the house are going to need to agree to enforce it.
I’d also be careful with promises about not putting the parents in care. Depending on how their health and situation develops, and your situation, a care home could be a better case scenario.
YWBTA
NTA – SIL sounds toxic and entitled with possible intention to make a play for your house after parents are gone. The title needs to be in your name or a proper Will drawn up, if not already done, to protect your assets from legal drama.
NTA, you don’t have to allow disrespect and abuse if you don’t want to
NTA
YTA because this is a shared house. So you can’t make a boundary and expect everyone to follow it. Demanding that a SIL not come over and visit her parents is not something you get to unilaterally decide.
You and your partner have to sit down with the parents and discuss what works for them and what a compromise could be. If they also want her to stop visiting, then great! You’re all in alignment.
Since you’re all on the deed, I’d guess (but I am not a lawyer) that you all can decide on whether or not the SIL is allowed to visit. That’s likely to be a difficult if all four of you don’t agree. NTA for wanting to protect your life in your own home (and your in law’s peace of mind if they are in fact afraid of ther, but ther isn’t an easy solution that maintains a multi-generational home. Maybe the four owners could agree on limiting the SIL’s visits – once a week for an hour, once a month, whatever. I personally wouldn’t be inclined to want her in my house only when I wasn’t there because I would worry about what she’s getting up to then.