I am a 35 year old man and My hubs (30) and I have been together for a little over two years I am close with his family and he’s close with mine. I have never been in a relationship where I am close with ny partners family so this was great. They go out a lot on dinners and lunches and we go with them. We always have fun but when it comes to paying, it can get very expensive, example we went out with the hubs grandfather for Father’s Day and the bill was 400 and change including a 50 dollar tip that was not deserved by the waiter (he was terrible. Handing bowls of boiling soup across the table to the grandparents) amor course we never argue with just go and pay. Now back to this weekend, we are going to a graduation party for my hubs cousin and his mother decided that we need to give her 100 bucks for the gift because his sister is giving 100 and she giving 200. I hate when other people make decisions on our money, she didn’t even ask how much we could give. So I sent them a message (keep in mind we pay the car insurance for my hubs and his mom)verbatim Hiiii, Money is sent. Going forward, please consult us when it comes to money decisions. Shaun and I run a very tight budget, and we need to make sure we can actually cover anything before it’s decided. His sister flipped out on me telling me how dare I talk to the mom like that and that I control my husband because he does a lot of favor for my family and saying that I am an embarrassment as a husband. And saying horrible things about I don’t respect my husband and that I’m disrespectful. I thought the message I sent was very low key and just setting boundaries. I told the hubs that I will not be showing up to the cousins graduation party or any other family events but that he’s able to go if he likes. I will never do anything to separate him from his family. So AITA for setting an specific boundary about money with my husband’s family or should I just had just let it go?
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I am a 35 year old man and My hubs (30) and I have been together for a little over two years I am close with his family and he’s close with mine. I have never been in a relationship where I am close with ny partners family so this was great. They go out a lot on dinners and lunches and we go with them. We always have fun but when it comes to paying, it can get very expensive, example we went out with the hubs grandfather for Father’s Day and the bill was 400 and change including a 50 dollar tip that was not deserved by the waiter (he was terrible. Handing bowls of boiling soup across the table to the grandparents) amor course we never argue with just go and pay. Now back to this weekend, we are going to a graduation party for my hubs cousin and his mother decided that we need to give her 100 bucks for the gift because his sister is giving 100 and she giving 200. I hate when other people make decisions on our money, she didn’t even ask how much we could give. So I sent them a message (keep in mind we pay the car insurance for my hubs and his mom)verbatim Hiiii, Money is sent. Going forward, please consult us when it comes to money decisions. Shaun and I run a very tight budget, and we need to make sure we can actually cover anything before it’s decided. His sister flipped out on me telling me how dare I talk to the mom like that and that I control my husband because he does a lot of favor for my family and saying that I am an embarrassment as a husband. And saying horrible things about I don’t respect my husband and that I’m disrespectful. I thought the message I sent was very low key and just setting boundaries. I told the hubs that I will not be showing up to the cousins graduation party or any other family events but that he’s able to go if he likes. I will never do anything to separate him from his family. So AITA for setting an specific boundary about money with my husband’s family or should I just had just let it go?
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> I made a Clear boundary that my husband’s family should not make decisions of our money without consulting us.
They may make me an asshole due to me saying it in a bad manner or just saying something that was out of line
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Feels like the read between lines is sister was pretty sure her brother agreed to this. NTA but I’d check with hubs and asked what he knew, what was discussed about this gift.
Each party in a relationship handles their own family members; otherwise, what you did happens in that you get caught in the middle and sides have been chosen.
So, YTA, and now you know better.
NTA However, I would have expected my husband to tell his family about consulting first on money going forward, letting him set that boundary. It was always unlikely to go down well, even if their subsequent reaction is OTT.
Ignore her. They received your message and understand the intention going forward, however poorly they acknowledged it. If they do it again, just say no. Your boundary was both respectful and direct. You didn’t even go against the grain for the current gift.
I had this same issue raised with my own in laws. You decide what you want, we’ll do the same. Thanks and have fun.
Your husband should be the one to communicate things like that to his own family.
YTA if you sent this message without discussing with your husband first.
KIck MIL of the insurance. She can pay for it herself.
ESH, Everyone Sucks Here.
Your SIL’s response was out of line.
But if you and your husband are on the same page about expenses, then he needs to be communicating with his own family about concerns or issues. Sounds more like he is OK with all their demands, in which case start solving the problem in your own home before coming at the in-laws.
>my hubs cousin and his mother decided that we need to give her 100 bucks for the gift because his sister is giving 100 and she giving 200.
Ya…that’d be a no from me. I’m the only one who gets to make the decisions about my money, thank you very much.
The sister’s reaction is verrrrrry telling. Wow. Such a small thing and her true colors come flying out! I hope your SO is being supportive because that’s some bs.
You are NTA. They are very entitled.
INFO: Why did you – and not your husband – set the boundaries with HIS family?
I get where you are coming from but your message could have been written in a friendlier tone. But I don’t think it was “bad enough” to call you AH nor are you an AH for wanting to keep your finances under control. Nor are your relatives AHs for spending as much money as they want. All in all just one of life’s unpleasant situations. NAH.
Not the asshole at all setting boundaries shouldn’t hurt feeling and should be respected if they have question that is fine but they should not be upset simply because you made a boundary
YTA.
You overstepped. It wasn’t your boundary to set, it was your husband’s. His family, his responsibility to manage the relationship, not yours.
If there is a problem, you should have discussed it with your husband & come to an agreement, which he then has the responsibility to communicate to his family, and then manage.
NTA – but your husband should have said this to his family first. If he has any issues with standing up for himself to set boundaries then you could have stepped in.
As far as your SIL she should have either minded her business or spoke with her brother, you are a part of the family and have a close relationship with them so it shouldn’t have been as huge an issue that it turned out to be.
No one should be spending your money, telling you what to buy and how much to spend. As far as car insurance goes are they on the same policy therefore the two of you pay the bill? If she’s on a separate policy, you could be nice and pay a bill for her only if you can afford it, if not give her a time frame to start paying herself. If she can go out for meals all the time she can afford her own bills.
The boundary is reasonably, but your husband should set the boundaries with his own family.
Sorry, we won’t be sending money for,the joint gift, we got our own gift to give.
Husband needs to be sending these messages, not you.
You’re not the asshole for wanting to set boundaries about money decisions – that’s completely reasonable and healthy. No one should be telling other adults how much they have to spend without consulting them first.
However, I think there might have been a better way to handle this situation. While your message wasn’t harsh, sending it directly to the family rather than having your husband address it first might have come across as overstepping to them. In most cases, it’s usually better for each partner to handle boundary-setting with their own family to avoid exactly this kind of reaction.
That said, his sister’s response was way over the line. Calling you an embarrassment, saying you’re controlling, and making personal attacks was completely inappropriate and much worse than anything you did. Her reaction suggests this family might not be used to anyone pushing back on their financial expectations.
The fact that you’re already paying their car insurance makes their demand for $100 for a graduation gift even more unreasonable. It sounds like there’s a pattern here of them expecting you to cover expenses without discussion.
Your decision to skip future family events is understandable given how they reacted, but I hope this doesn’t become permanent. The real issue here is that your husband needs to step up and support you in setting these boundaries with his family. He should be the one telling his mom and sister that financial decisions need to be discussed beforehand, and he should be defending you against his sister’s attacks.
Have you talked with your husband about how he wants to handle this going forward? His response and support will be crucial in resolving this situation.
ESH
You shouldn’t have overstepped the way you did, but your husband and his family should’ve talked this out before it got to that point.
Updateme
NTA. You said what you said. That’s it. It’s done. Now they know.
$50 tip on a meal that was $350+ not a good look. You could have educated the server on why you were displeased but whatever not the main point.
Spending your money without discussing it first is not cool. Yes it’s your funds but it’s still his family, he should have been the one to initiate here, not you. Sil’s reaction sucked regardless of how you went about things.
Did I miss other people’s reactions? Why is the whole family being iced out because sister-in-law went off?
I’m leaning toward ESH
ESH
Your husband most of all. If he was in agreement with you, he should have set that boundary. The expectation of money made the sister an AH. BUT, different from others, I think the sister’s reaction may be natural if you are doing all the communication and not your hubby. You may think you’re on the same page, but it’s also possible that the sister thought she was on the same page as him too and you swooped in to change things.
You are not an AH, but I think your approach to your husband’s family was flawed/. You two should discuss the problem and how you want it resolved…THEN your husband talks to his family about how you both want financial matters handled. He should share your decisions with his side of the family, you with yours. You bringing it up makes you seem controlling . kt
Dear SIL. If our money is going out to pay bills for an adult I WILL say anything I want about OUR money. There are 2 things you can so about it. NOTHING. and STFU about it!!!!
Yes I would!!!
“I run a very tight budget ” generally means I’m strict about how we spend the money by choice. “We’re on a very strict budget” means we don’t have the money to afford things like $100 gifts, and it’s not a choice. The wording may have given a different meaning to them that you didn’t mean to give. The sister is flipped out unnecessarily and very rude. You would have been better to have a face to face conversation with your MIL to explain that you love spending time with them, but your finances are very limited, and you can’t afford everything that they can. I think we all need to normalize conversations that not everyone can afford everything. That’s not bad or good, it’s just facts.