Throwaway. Her mother and stepfather recently moved out of the country for business and she chose to stay with me. Before that we did 50/50. I met my wife a few years ago and she’s been a great step mother. She and my daughter get along well. My wife and I have a son, 6m. He adores his older sister and she adores him.
I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with my wife but recently she’s been acting strangely around my daughter.
The main issue started last night. My daughter was playing with my son. It was rough but my son likes that. Anyway they were playing in the living room while I was washing dishes. Then I hear my wife arguing quite loudly so I stop to check. I stepped between them and asked what happened and my daughter said she and my son were playing until my wife came into the room and started yelling at her for being rough with him. My daughter said she apologised and said she’d be more gentle but then my son said no and my daughter told him sorry but your mommy said no. Then my wife started yelling at her about how she’s being disrespectful etc. I asked my wife if this was true and she got defensive. She yelled about how I’m making her look like a lunatic and showing my daughter it’s okay to treat her anyhow. I was kind of fed up and told her to go calm down and talk to me when she wants to act like an adult and now she hasn’t spoken to me all day. Was I the ahole?
Edit to add my son is six years old. Not six months and my daughter is 16f. I was trying to keep to the character limit
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Throwaway. Her mother and stepfather recently moved out of the country for business and she chose to stay with me. Before that we did 50/50. I met my wife a few years ago and she’s been a great step mother. She and my daughter get along well. My wife and I have a son, 6m. He adores his older sister and she adores him.
I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with my wife but recently she’s been acting strangely around my daughter.
The main issue started last night. My daughter was playing with my son. It was rough but my son likes that. Anyway they were playing in the living room while I was washing dishes. Then I hear my wife arguing quite loudly so I stop to check. I stepped between them and asked what happened and my daughter said she and my son were playing until my wife came into the room and started yelling at her for being rough with him. My daughter said she apologised and said she’d be more gentle but then my son said no and my daughter told him sorry but your mommy said no. Then my wife started yelling at her about how she’s being disrespectful etc. I asked my wife if this was true and she got defensive. She yelled about how I’m making her look like a lunatic and showing my daughter it’s okay to treat her anyhow. I was kind of fed up and told her to go calm down and talk to me when she wants to act like an adult and now she hasn’t spoken to me all day. Was I the ahole?
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> Am I the ahole for taking my daughter’s side and telling my wife she’s not acting like an adult.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
INFO: Is your wife unhappy about the living situation? This seems like a symptom of a larger issue.
NTA
Sounds like your wife doesn’t like your daughter and resents the fact that she’s now living with you full-time. I think she’s just looking for things to argue about.
NTA. I strongly suggest family therapy or counseling though. It’s clearly needed and things will only continue to get worse if things aren’t fixed.
NTA! Your wife was acting like a child, the kids were playing maybe a bit rough but no one getting hurt she had no reason to act that way. Need to sit down and have a talk about why she’s upset about the way they are playing together.
“talk to me when she wants to act like an adult”
YTA. Maybe E, but not really trusting your version.
“Talk when you calm down” maybe, but what you said is spectacularly belittling to another adult.
> talk to me she wants to act like an adult and now she hasn’t spoken to me all day
You said this in front of your kids??? YTA.
NTA. It sounds like she’s trying to make your daughter feel unwelcome. How old is your daughter?
It’s hard to actually gauge things here. Your son is six months old and you admit that your daughter was playing “rough”. Your wife was worried about how rough it was. It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt. So she stepped in. Your daughter showed a bit of attitude by telling her brother that the mom was making her stop (which he wouldn’t even understand if he is 6 months). So maybe your wife overreacted a bit by yelling but I think you overreacted too
INFO: You’re having conversations with a 6 month old?
nta, you were trying to be fair and equal with your children, im assuming there’s something else she’s upset about and seeing them roughhouse was the final trigger. if your son is safe and isn’t crying that he’s hurt, there shouldn’t be an issue and she needs to acknowledge the fact that it’s fun for him.
Nothing good has ever come from a man telling a woman to “calm down.” Over all, I don’t think you’re the asshole, but maybe reconsider your phrasing.
NTA for the specific question, but there was no reason to belittle your wife and be condescending in the process.
NTA, OP. Your wife was being an unreasonable AH
NTA Some little kids like rough play. As long as your daughter is not abusing him or risking concussions then let your son determine how much is too much.
Sit down away from the kids and ask your wife what her thought process is? Is she afraid your daughter is a closet abuser or that she is jealous of her little brother? Give her enough time and silence for her to want to fill it with words. It could be she is reading too much true crime or abuse scenarios and it is filling her with anxiety. Let your wife talk and figure it out together. She may need counseling
MAYBE (?) Just a little nugget, (which I think you would know being this isn’t your first rodeo), never, ever, ever, ever tell a woman to calm down. Asa strategy you can separate them – send your daughter on a fake chore, give your wife a chance to calm down. You wrote your son, 6m. I took that to mean 6 months, but now it’s sounds like years. Either way, your wife is worried for her baby. She doesn’t want him to get hurt. I think rough play is more suitable with someone his age that matches his strength. Please understand. You have your daughter. You are used to being a parent. She is new at this and her head is still filled with worst-case-scenerio horror stories. She has never loved something like this.
NTA – your wife is likely not happy about her step daughter moving in full-time and is now finding things wrong to express why she should not be there.
“I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with my wife.”
Hi! That’s a really weird thing to say! And gross! Like others have said, YTA.
NTA. If your son is OK with it and no one is being hurt. Your wife’s reaction was over the top. Are you sure she likes your daughter?
You clearly need to talk to your wife about her attitude toward your daughter. But YTA for the way you talked to her, not siding with your daughter
>old her to go calm down and talk to me when she wants to act like an adult
Saying that in front of your children is so disrespectful ! I would be so mad at my H if he ever pulled something like that. We don’t know the age of your daughter, but preteen, teen tends to be very disrespectful specially with the tone they use and specially girls toward motherly figures. I know my SD tried and it was nipped in the bud by H and me quite quickly. I cringe on how she speaks to her mom though but not my problem.
All that to say imo you fucked up OP, you should apologise to your wife and try to understand what happen and why she got mad for what doesn’t seem a big deal the way you described it and clear why she has been acting strangely. But behind closed doors when the kids are sleeping, not in front of your daughter
Telling your wife, a grown woman, to go calm down and come back and talk to you when she wants to act like a grown-up? That’s a pretty shitty way to talk to your wife. I hope you don’t treat her like a 10-year-old child all the time.
INFO: is the son 6 months or years old? And is this the first time theres been a major issue between your wife and daughter?
Seriously, ESH
You mentioned that your ex moved out of the country and your custody went from 50% to full time now.
And then act surprised that “something” seems wrong with your wife? Did you actually discuss and agree on this MAJOR life change involving the rest of the family?
And stop having your blowups in front of the kids. BOTH of you need to act like adults and get this drama addressed NOW
I have a lot of questions because this kind of thing doesn’t “just start last night”. There’s a buildup. Honestly I’m 90% sure this is AI.