I’ll try to keep this short. My siblings (23, 25, 26 and 28) are all mad at our half sister (33) because she doesn’t want a relationship with our dad or us and they’re mad because of her reasons. My mom’s furious too and when they’re all together they’re overbearing about it. I can’t enjoy time with my family anymore because of it.
So when my parents got married my half sister was 4 and her mom’s response to dad getting married was to kidnap my half sister and flee the country. My parents believed she was somewhere in the UK but she was never found. For a little while my dad looked for my half sister. He went to the cops, to a lawyer and he looked into how he could find her and bring her home. But his search only lasted a few months. He never hired a PI to try and find her, he didn’t do something every year to try and keep people aware of what happened. He just moved on with life and with mom.
His relationship with his siblings was strained because of this. They could never figure out why he stopped trying to get her back when he’d get upset at mentions of her. He never had a reason he gave anyone.
I know they searched for close to 30 years. They never gave up. And they found her through social media several months ago. She had looked us up and she saw that nothing was being done on dad’s part to find her after the first few months.
So when my aunts and uncles made contact her reply was that she wanted to be left alone and did not wish to have any contact with any of us. When my aunts and uncles broke the news my sister was the most pissed. She’d always wanted a sister she could be super close with. I’m the youngest and only 18 so there’s an 8 year gap between us (she’s the 26 year old) and always hoped for that with our half sister. She felt betrayed by her wanting nothing to do with us.
Ever since my half sister responded like that it’s just been unbearable. And while everyone else is angry and acts like she owed us something, I can’t blame her. I can imagine the hurt of realizing dad didn’t keep searching and I can’t say I’d want anything to do with him or his family either in her shoes. I told my family this the other week when they were having a bitching fest again and once I said it I was accused of taking her side and when I should be standing with my family and not the person who betrayed us.
And they’re still mad about it and trying to make me feel bad for feeling like I do.
AITA?
Comments
That’s a pretty complicated dynamic. NTA, but maybe leave some communication open.
NTA, you have a right to voice how you felt just as much as they did bitching about your half sister.
I’m actually in agreement with you. In your half sisters shoes, I wouldn’t want anything to do with your dad. In her eyes, he showed his lack of care towards what could have possibly happened to her when he stopped searching.
Your father needs to acknowledge the part he played in that & your siblings and mom need to shut up about it. They’re not in her shoes. You’re NTA.
Just to add also, your sister could be feeling as if your Dad abandoned her when he stopped searching, especially as you said he couldn’t give a reason why he stopped.
NTA. I don’t think she’s wrong for her position. She was raised a certain way – probably being told a lie about why she never saw her father. She’s also a fully grown person with a whole life she might not want interrupted. Now… to give your dad some grace here… if you go to the police and lawyers and hit dead ends… then maybe it’s emotionally (and financially) exhausting to keep looking while feeling like there’s no hope. Losing a child is every parent’s worst nightmare and maybe he just couldn’t sustain it.
NTA at all
Your other sister is thinking very selfishly if she can’t understand the point of view of the half-sister who was pretty much abandoned by her father after a paltry few months of effort.
She is thinking about what she feels and wants but is too self-centred to even try and imagine it from half-sibling’s point of view.
So she or your family do not blame her mother? The adult?
Maybe he’s not really her father but that is what her mother tells everyone
My second ex husband’s first ex did that to him. Made him pay child support etc. she knew she wasn’t his. Belonged to her affair partner.
It’s a sad situation. If a child goes missing parents search forever. But technically your sister wasn’t missing, she was with her mom. Your dad did what he could within the limits of his finances and mental health, then finally had to accept she was gone and he’d never see her again. All he knew was she was with her mom and probably safe. I rather suspect the authorities found them but there wasn’t anything they could do to force the mom to return her, so he kept it quiet for his daughters sake and quietly died a little inside.
Whatever your sister was told means she will never accept your dad no matter what, and by association that means her half siblings too.
The only villain here is her mom. Everyone else is a victim.
NTA the real ah is the half sisters mother. She kidnapped your half sister and made a unilateral decision to keep her separate. If anyone is to blame it is her and her alone
Everyone is mad at the dad but where is the vitriol for her mom. Had her mom not did what she did this wouldn’t be an issue. I can understand why he gave up because of the hurt of not being able to see your child and you can’t find them no matter what you do. Your dad did nothing wrong.
How did the half-sister betray family? Her mom took her away and left the country, and dad barely looked for her.
The half-sister is the one that was betrayed. Her father barely looked for her in her PoV, and he never cared for her.
It was shitty by the mom to take her away, but the dad never showed he cared enough to look for her.
Nta updateme
NTA
Their logic is idiotic.
Exactly how did she BETRAY anyone? She is the only victim here.
* She was kidnapped by a parent and kept from the other. Who knows what she was told. VICTIM
* Her non-custodial parent didn’t bother to look or fight for her for over 28 years! How again is this her fault?
* She has no desire to meet or have relationships with virtual strangers. How is this wrong?
You and your siblings are not family. You are just related to someone who provided DNA and moved on after her removal from his location, someone he didn’t even bother looking for, showing you all were enough. Well, until his siblings found her. Sounds like he only cares about this because of how it looks to the rest of the family, not by an true desire to have his daughter back in his life.
Why does your siblings think your half sister betrayed anyone? What is the logic here? Your sister seems pretty self centered
>I should be standing with my family and not the person who betrayed us.
Which was your dad. He gave up, he didn’t want to keep searching for not just his daughter but your sister. He didn’t want to keep looking to have her around, for you to have her around. That’s on him.
NTA
But i would use a different approach.
I would tell her “mom, as your child i want to believe that if me or my siblings got kidnapped, even if it was by close family, at least YOU would have done anything to find us and never would have given up. But you defending dads action of just giving up after a year and thinking his child has no right to be beyond pissed about that really messes up my brain and what i thought i know about you. And that just makes me very sad and heartbroken. And thats why i have empathy for how royally pissed our halfsister has to be about finding out her dad just gave up on her. Can’t you understand this? Would you really just have given up on us after a year too? And if not, why are you defending this choice by saying she isn’t allowed to be pissed at dad?”
NTA but therapy may be useful. I feel really sorry for your half-sis. Her mom stole her chance to connect with all of you and never told her the truth; she’d been kidnapped. Her dad didn’t care enough to keep trying. I’d say she needs to speak with both of them and find out the full truth and reasoning. Most likely they were awful people but other factors could be at play. That’s on her, though.
For you?
You sound wise and understanding. If she’s in touch with her half-siblings they’ll try and force contact with your Dad. If YOU really want to be in touch with her, send her a short message. Your parents may have kept the two of you apart, you understand her not wanting a relationship with your Dad, but you aren’t your Dad. And if she’d like to see if the two of you could develop a cousin-type relationship, you’ll give it a try, no Dad or siblings included. If interested, reach out to you. She’s a grown woman at this point and with social media, there’s no reason your father couldn’t have done an ancestry or 23andme test long ago, searched online, had the US government reach out to the government where she was to see if they could locate her, ANYTHING.
I would remember that you are only getting one side of the story. If you’re half sister’s mom was from the UK it’s entirely possible that your dad had an affair and then dumped her alone with a baby in a foreign country far away from her family with no support, if that’s the case she had every right to move back to her home country with her child.
Just because you love your dad doesn’t mean his version of events is real/the full truth.