I (28m) have a twin brother. Growing up, we were inseparable and until recently I thought we were still very close. I was always more of a shy nerd and he was an extrovert that played sports throughout our childhood and high school, but we spent almost all of our time together, by choice.
We went our separate ways when college came. He stayed local in Arizona and I went to college in Portland. When I graduated, I stayed there because I fell in love with the city, my friends are here, my professional networks from internships were here, etc. But I always flew back home for holidays, events, birthdays, etc.
My brother announced on instagram that he and his girlfriend of 3 years got engaged. I was incredibly happy for him and texted him congrats. He mentioned they were planning to have an engagement party in 6-8 weeks and I told him to let me know so I can book a flight to come celebrate.
I was never told a date. If I brought it up with him or anyone in my family, they’d change the subject or say it’s still being planned and confirmed. After a few weeks I texted my brother to ask about the date because it must be getting close and I don’t want to pay for a last minute flight. No response.
I asked my mom for details and she said, “It’s not really an engagement party, just a small dinner with family. There’s no need to come down for it.”
I eventually found out that it was, in fact, a big party. They rented out an entire restaurant for 4 hours and there were about 80 guests: family, friends, cousins, everyone. Everyone was told I couldn’t make it. My aunt, who was like a second mother to me, texted me that she was very disappointed I couldn’t make time to join and I replied that I would have happily come, but I was not invited. Word spread quickly about my snub and my parents and brother tried to say it was just a misunderstanding.
That was almost over a year ago. Since then I’ve tried to get to the bottom of why I wasn’t invited. Over the course of months it went from, “It was just meant to be a small gathering,” to “I don’t know what happened, there must have been a miscommunication,” to “It’s just a party. It’s no big deal.” I asked my brother if he was mad at me, I thought maybe his fiance didn’t like me. Even if she or he didn’t want me there, why were my parents ok with this? This really wasn’t like them.
Christmas and Easter was awkward as hell because no one but me wanted to address the elephant in the room and any conversation about anything was like small talk with strangers. When I visited in May for my sister’s birthday, I left early after my sister said, “You moved so far away. It’s like you’re not really family anymore. You make everything feel so weird now.”
Nine months ago I got the Save the Date announcement and 6 months ago I got the invitation to the wedding. I wasn’t asked to be in the wedding party, which is fine and wasn’t surprising at the point. My sister and younger brother were asked to be in the wedding party, so another snub.
I also didn’t get a +1 for my girlfriend I’ve been seeing for almost a year and a half. My sister, however, got a +1 for her FWB.
So I decided I wasn’t welcome and I was probably only invited for optics and to play happy family. I didn’t RSVP no since I knew that would cause a shitshow, I just didn’t go. The wedding was this past weekend. No one contacted me about missing the rehearsal dinner, so I guess even if I did go, I wasn’t invited to that either or expected to be there.
I started getting calls and texts about an hour before the ceremony asking where I was, if my flight was delayed, how far along I will be, etc, and I ignored them. They stopped for a while during the ceremony but started up again right after.
I finally picked up my mom’s call and she screamed, “Where the hell are you?” I replied, “In Portland, where you all prefer me to be.” She said, “This is your brother’s wedding, how could you embarrass us?” I answered, “It’s just a party. It’s no big deal, right?” It was probably the first time in my life my mother was speechless. After a few seconds of silence, I said, “Tell everyone I said hi,” and I hung up.
Now I’m getting calls and texts from everyone saying I was being petty and ruined the day. So am I the AH here? I feel like I’m just matching their energy and dropping the rope.
Comments
NTA they iced u out for over a year then acted shocked u didnt show. U didnt ruin anything, they did that by lying n gaslighting. U just stopped playing along
I assume you didn’t RSVP at all, so they could have reached out and confirmed if you were planning on coming. It’s your prerogative to nuke your relationship with your family, especially since it doesn’t sound like they care to keep it up on their end.
NTA. It may seem petty to some, but they didn’t have enough decency to be straight with you about the engagement party and made you feel unwelcome in YOUR OWN FAMILY.
I’d say not to close the door entirely, as they may come back around and apologize to you someday, but for the time being, you are within your rights to cut contact.
Nah, you’re not the asshole, they iced you out for a whole year and only wanted you there for show. You matched their vibes, stayed respectful, and finally stood up for yourself. Let ‘em deal with the awkward now.
NTA—they decided you aren’t really important now that you don’t live close by. So follow their lead and make your own family. They don’t get to act like you matter just to protect their image. Just follow their lead and stop putting in the effort if they aren’t going to
Dude, first of all, you are not the asshole. You are the only person in this whole family saga who hasn’t completely lost the plot.
Let’s break this down:
They threw an 80-person party and pretended it was a “small dinner” like you’re some random neighbor who doesn’t need the details.
When you tried to clarify, they gaslit you so hard you probably started wondering if you hallucinated the entire invitation process.
Your own mom lied to your face multiple times instead of just saying, “Hey, for whatever reason, you’re not on the list.”
You were only re-invited to the wedding so you could sit there like a prop while everyone clinked glasses and said, “Look at our perfect family.”
And let’s not forget your sister, who literally said, “It’s like you’re not really family anymore.” Girl, he’s in Portland, not on the International Space Station.
Honestly, you matched their energy with perfect precision. They acted like you didn’t exist, so you didn’t show up. You didn’t scream, you didn’t burn bridges (although you probably should have), you just quietly said, “Cool. I’ll stay where you clearly prefer me.”
That is not petty, that is clarity.
What’s petty is them suddenly losing their minds because their photo op was missing the Twin. It’s giving, “We didn’t want you here, but how dare you not be here?”
If you’d gone, they would have acted like everything was normal while you swallowed a rage-salad all weekend. Instead, you finally did something that honored your own dignity, which was long overdue.
Here’s the truth: You didn’t ruin anything. They did. Repeatedly. You just stopped performing in their charade. And I promise you this, somebody in that family respects you more now for drawing a line. They’ll never admit it, but they do.
So no, you’re not the asshole. You’re the one sane person in a family that treats basic decency like an optional upgrade.
Drop the rope. Rest your arms. And maybe send your mom a postcard that says, “Greetings from Portland: Still not invited, still unbothered.”
You did not ruin anything, they excluded you long before the wedding. You just stopped pretending it didn’t hurt.
NTA
Message your family that since they decided that you don’t count as family anymore, then you’re acting accordingly. They decided to essentially cut you out because you moved so they can face the consequences.
Wow… makes my blood boil reading this.
PLENTY of people relocate and arent cut out of their families as a result. This is some high level bullshit going on.
Im so sorry for you and I hope your gf has a great family!
Nta they unilaterally ignored you and now want you to be there at the wedding for optics nah F that! Good thing you didn’t go shitty thing they did to you!
NTA.
They didn’t want you there. They just didn’t expect you to finally believe them.
What they did was calculated. They made a choice, repeatedly, to exclude you and hope you’d stay quiet to keep the peace. And when you stopped playing along, they suddenly start vilifying you. Textbook manipulation.
You handled it with more grace than most would. You gave them the same dismissive energy they gave you for over a year. Actions have consequences, and they’re just upset that you finally gave them one.
Let them sit with it. You didn’t ruin the day, they did, when they decided you weren’t worth including.
Updateme
NTA. Your family has some nerve to play high and mighty after the way they’ve been treating you. Protect your peace, brother.
NTA your soul wanted you away from those people, thats why you ended up very far away.
NTA.
Could you have maybe RSVP’d no? Sure, but 6 months went by from the time the invitations went out to the wedding, and you didn’t RSVP yes, either, and nobody bothered to reach out to make sure you were coming? Or ask what dish you wanted? See if you needed to stay at home or if you were getting a hotel? Just complete radio silence and somehow they think you’re the bad guy?
Nah, you just got a crash course in how narcissistic your family is. They assumed they could treat you like crap and tell you aren’t really a part of the family anymore but you’d still show up to “not embarrass them”.
Divorce the family, marry Portland.
NTA. Your mom was upset you embarrassed them, not that you weren’t there. That’s shitty.
I have to ask – with the moving away to college and staying in Portland (I assume Oregon)… was there also a change in political viewpoints? Did your brother go to college or do something else?
Because while it didn’t happen in my immediate family, some of my extended family struggled with my being a college graduate, etc. – the side where I was the first to graduate from college. (The other side, it was rare to be one who didn’t go to college or have some post high school training/education). I have some family members who said of coruse I changed from the positive experience, but I was NOT snobby in the slightest – they were the ones who were consistently supportive. The others, I got the it feels weird vibe from and some even outright hostility.
This was in the 90s, so well before MAGA, etc. I also went to an in state university and live in a blue state… but some of those relatives have moved to the South in the deep Red state or are planning to do so. I only track some of them on Facebook – we no longer see each other.
Again, easier for that drifting apart because the grands are gone and the parents generation is elderly (or gone). I’m fortunate that my immediate family shares my values and my outlook in politics for the most part.
NTA. I’m a firm believer in give the energy you’re getting. Taking the high road all the time just leaves you exhausted and fucking alone in the dark.
Your family sounds rediculous and they need to do some introspection but that seems beyond their abilities. Wish you well OP!
NTA- I’m so glad you live far away from your family, I’m even more glad you found your people in Portland. It’s ok man. Yes it hurts but you are better off
Ugh I hate things like this. Person gets pushed out because they decide to try something different than the norm in their family and get written off. Sorry man, your family sucks. They only care about themselves and what other people think of their image. NTA, move forward in life knowing you’re awesome and your family is vain.
Nta. Sorry you had to go through that. Your family’s behaviour was cold. Do you think they resent the fact you moved out of town?
Updateme
NTA- they’ve completely dropped you as a family member. Saying you make things weird because you moved away? They should feel bad, not you.
But you do need to do better than them and communicate when they call. Tell them you didn’t feel wanted, and that’s because of their behavior through this entire thing. They created this distance by not including you. Also, what your sister said didn’t help. The ball is in their court now.
Family sucks
Updateme
NTA. Sorry your family sucks.
Sounds like he didn’t want you to get all the glory. Oh we haven’t seen you in so long how are you , what do you do there now etc meaning your twin is jealous
NTA. They iced you out for no reason other than pretending you live too far away. I live over 1000 miles from my family and still get invited to everything. It’s like they are punishing you for moving. Ignore them and live your life .
Babe, you did nothing wrong. It sounds like your family resents your move to Oregon, and instead of addressing it, decided it should be up to you to read their minds and realize you’re the “problem.” Gonna go out on a limb and assume your family is “close-knit,” which evolved into enmeshment, thus leaving you as the odd man out…
NTA. They don’t get to blame you for the silence. If they felt a type of way, they had YEARS to address it. They don’t get to sweep it under the rug for appearances; plus they f•cking lied about your absence! They actively told people you weren’t coming when you were never extended an invite. There’s conspiracy brewing, and you’re the fall guy.
Updateme
I’d ask “if I have the power to ruin the day – why didn’t you call when I missed the rehearsal dinner? If I was so important, why didn’t anyone call me in the weeks beforehand to find out why I hadn’t RSVPd? To find out my flight plans? Mom, you didn’t notice that I wasn’t in the guest bedroom the night before? I suspect that it “ruined the day” because OTHERS remembered my existence and wanted to see me more than you all did. It has been clear from the get go that I was not welcome and that my being there would ruin things. I wasn’t invited to any of the prewedding festivities and sister said it was weird when I WAS there. My girlfriend of over a year wasn’t welcome at all – so I stayed home with her. She LIKES having me around”
Updateme
The only mistake you made was not telling your mom to tell everyone “Goodbye”
NTA
somehow you are a threat to your brother. Your parents should be ashamed of themselves. Go be happy in Portland. If any of them want to make up they can get themselves to Oregon.
NTA. Don’t let them guilt you for their bad behavior.
NTA. Would have done the same thing.
NTA- I believe your sister gave you a big clue of what your family is thinking.
NTA, I don’t blame you. It’s weird that your own twin would treat and exclude you from the engagement party and your family won’t address the issue.
Your sister and brother are in the wedding but not you and you don’t even get a plus one and they think you should be ok with being treated like that.
I can believe you let that cheap sister get away with that disrespectful hurtful comment! if it was me I would ve left her with permanent psychological scares that would open up in every birthday for the rest of her miserable life. You know that your twin is jealous and envious of you and it is killing him lol stay away from those venomous vipers including your mother.
NTA,
A snub for the engagement party
A snub for the wedding party
A likely snub for the rehearsal dinner
A snub for a plus 1
Tell them to go F off you’re interested in there charity invite. Maybe contact the new wife let her know what kind of family she just married into.
NTA and I personally wouldn’t give any gifts or anything. time to recreate your own holidays.
NTA, I’ve moved states , my siblings have and never once have any of us said “it’s feels awkward with you here”
This makes me so sad. I’m sorry to say it, but your family is a bunch of assholes and there’s no way around it. They’re behavior is deplorable, and your sister? Wow!
Updateme
NTA as a parent there is no way I’d allow any of my children to treat the other like this. It’s truly sad.
NTA, your family lied to you and expected you to pretend it didn’t happen.
Tbh i think you were made as a scapegoat to ensure that the other siblings stayed close to home.
There is probably passive aggressive resentment of the family feeling “rejected” by moving to Portland, but this is a bit bonkers. Ironically they want pettiness but maintain social appearances. I wonder if political values or money might be a trigger.
If you want to match their energy and be petty, maybe visit your aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents but avoid your immediate family.
NTA. Cut them off. You don’t need that drama. Stop flying out there. Have they ever visited you in Portland? Your twin is a douche.
When the trash takes itself out. Guess you’ve now got alot more free time to travel elsewhere than your supposed “home”. Enjoy.
NTA.
Tell them all to fuck off until one of them has the guts to tell you the truth about a) you not being invited to the engagement party, and b) you not getting a +1 for your girlfriend when your sister’s FWB was invited.
Your family are awful. I don’t know how far Portland is from where they live but I doubt it’s far enough away.
NTA, you matched energies and gave them the same consideration they gave you- which was none. You didn’t ruin the wedding or cause a scene you just gave them exactly what they wanted but in a way they can’t keep lying about to everyone else.
NTA This feels like that one post where the OP’s family tried to convince her she came home for a party when she didn’t because they wanted to prove to her that because she chose to move far away no one missed her so she should just move home. Like your family is punishing you for moving far away and that to show you that if you hadn’t moved so far you would be included. You rejected them so they’re rejecting you hoping it would make you want to be included and you’d move home.
NTA
Now, you can plan holidays with people who appreciate you.
Nope. Not the asshole. At all. In fact absolutely brav-freaking-O for putting a toxic, asshole family in their place.
Epic move. Move on without them and start blocking people who are blaming YOU for ruining a day you weren’t welcome to participate in. Fuck every last one of them.
NTA -so because you move out of state your entire family decides that you’re not worthy of being a member of the family anymore. So now that you’ve decided to act like that, they’re all going to try and guilt you and make you feel bad about decision you made because of their shitty actions. Nope I wouldn’t go home for any reason at all, including holidays.
This is sad
NTA they treated you like you were stranger for moving away. Apparently, that’s some kind of cardinal sin. So I don’t get why they’re so surprised when you’re just giving them what they want. Oh, because it makes them “look bad”. It’s sad your own twin brother treated you like this.
NTA – You handled it perfectly. Can’t believe that your parents are defending whatever is happening here.
NTA
What kind of game is your family playing? It sounds like your twin and your parents want to punish you for moving away and building a life for yourself. The ones being petty and cruel here is them. I’d start pulling back much farther.
I moved across the country from my family and go back for occasional important events, and have never once been deliberately lied to and excluded. You travel back for Birthdays and EASTER??? They are crazy!!!
NTA
And your family sounds like a bunch of jerks. You did the right thing moving far away from them
This sounds fake. Though it didn’t mention “half are on my side” and “family harmony”
Nice story. I don’t believe a word of it.
Updateme
If your twin brother (your TWIN!) doesn’t invite you to his engagement party then he doesn’t want you there. If he doesn’t want you at his engagement party then he doesn’t really want you at the wedding either.
Your brother and your parents are POS. I am very angry on your behalf. 😡
Updateme
NTA
Your family could win some sort of group award for passive-aggressive behavior.
If you and your twin really and truly had no beef, your being excluded from a large engagement party for your twin brother, and the wedding party, is bewildering.
I agree with other commenters that your family seem to be resentful that you moved away, and have chosen to take your choice as some sort of massive insult to them. Even if they’ve seen less of you since, you’d think they’d be MORE eager to involve you in your twin’s upcoming wedding.
Unless you’re skipping over some falling out that they took harder than you did, YTA to maintain your distance. It’s ridiculous of your family to complain that you stayed away: they’d made sure you felt unwelcome!
Your family is probably copping grief because everyone thinks you weren’t invited again.
Also considering what what your sister said, this might have been a poorly conceived plan to convince you to move back home that backfired on them.
UpdateMe
I find it revealing that your mom complained about you embarrassing them. They didn’t check to see if and when you’d be there, where you were staying etc. they couldn’t have been so surprised. I would only say that maybe you should have rsvpd no, but since they didn’t follow up I think you were right not to. But this will probably wreak havoc on your relationship with them. Still I find them excluding you so strange. There’s clearly something their hiding.
NTA. You wouldn’t want to go and “make everything feel weird”, to quote your sister.
I wouldn’t necessarily make a big show of cutting them out of my life but I would sit back and wait for them to make a move. If they make a move. Your prerogative if you want to draw a clearer line in the sand though, of course. That’s just what I’d do. NTA, in any case.
Your family sucks big time! They expect to treat you like a leper but roll you out for big occasions to look good? Fuck that and fuck them. Your mother is the worst kind of parent. I’m so sorry mate, they’re all arseholes.
NTA – They excluded you until it was a problem for their image. Good for you for standing up for yourself. Would love to know if you are ever given a real reason as to why.
NTA
I live across the country from all of my family and you can bet your ass they’d all be asking me when I’m coming in, if I need a ride to/from the airport, who I’m staying with, etc. My parents and each one of my aunts would want to make sure I was taken care of.
For them to only care about your flight when they thought you were late meant they really didn’t care.
I love how they waited until the day of to actually ask if you were making it. If they were so concerned they would’ve tried to mend things before hand. And did anyone even try to fix things after your sister said all of that or say that wasn’t how it was? Like wtf?
These posts are like camp fire tales told over and over,
NTA. Send your mom and dad this post. And your aunt who had your back.
NTA. Just block them all and move on.
UpdateMe
NTA.
You decided to make a life of your own, and not just be a convenient prop in theirs.
Funny, they waited an hour before the service, never thought about it when you didn’t send an RSVP, just assumed you’d show apparently. You’re not the AH here.
My brother & his family did the exact same thing to me. They claimed I was ‘not family’ because I moved away from my abusive home life (granddad was a pedophile) and did not move home once I finished my masters. Total BS. Gaslight about why I wasn’t included in family photos if I did go back. Both my brother and I are adopted. We do not share DNA. That’s the issue but he knows if he says that he’ll look like the asshole he is. So I just went N/C and have not looked back. Walk away. Let mom know that you got their message loud & clear and to accept that they will not be included in your life going forward. Be prepared for them to try & contact you once they find our you’re getting married or had kids. Let them explain to their friends why they’ve never met your wife & kids.
Hell no, you’re not the AH. You responded perfectly. Gave them exactly what they gave you, now you can walk away from them like they did from you & thrive in your real home with your chosen family.
I hope this is over for you, OP, but I’ll say Updateme in case you feel like salting the earth. They earned that when they started lying to you, with all those snubs and then later dismissing every attempt you made to resolve the problems. You’re doing fine.
Twin bro here. My twin eloped while we were serving, me in the Marines, him in the Army. However I was the first person he told. Younger bro had a shotgun wedding. Found out the day before. I was still in the Marines, and wouldn’t have made it home with only a 12 hour notice.
However, before younger bro got married, when my parents found out his gf was pregnant(her dad pushed the shotgun wedding), they were being super weird around me. I was home on leave, and I felt like I had stepping into the Twilight Zone, with all the weirdness. I honestly thought maybe younger bro had some terminal illness, but didn’t want me to know. It wasn’t till I threatened to go back to base 10 days early, they finally told me. I was like “that’s it???” It wasn’t life or death, but they sure acted like it was. Was like this big secret that everyone was in on but me. That bothered me so much more than not being able to attend their weddings.
Maybe I’ve had too much reddit, but this sounds exactly like they started to treat the OP that moved a few hours away and they didn’t invite to their grandparents funeral to make her realize on her own the family wanted her to move back and make it her issue.
I don’t know, it rings some bells with the whole comments “you moved so far away it’s like you are not even family anymore”
If they had just genuinely forgot to include you, that’s one thing, but they are purposely excluding you specifically, NTA.
NTA. That was bullshit they pulled.
NTA. Families suck. They’re playing with your mind, and it sounds like you need to find your happiness elsewhere. I’ve had a similar relationship with much of my own family, and I hate drama. I’m so over feeling bad about it! Weddings and funerals are strange, toxic events that I don’t miss.
So your mum lied to you about the engagement party, lied to everyone else about why you couldn’t attend, made no effort to make you feel welcome (and from the sounds of it had no intention of doing so even if you did attend) and then she had the gall to get mad at you for not attending?
I mean, they only noticed you weren’t there an hour before, so you clearly weren’t on their minds.
There must be a lot more to this story because your mother, brother and sister clearly don’t like you and don’t want you around.
NTA, if they really cared they would have reached out asking if you were still attending as an rsvp had not been received. As you pointed out they obviously only cared about optics once somebody obviously asked where you were
Families are so weird.
Arizona and Portland are so different, is it politically related?
NTA. Cut them out of your life like how they did to you. Live a big life, get married, start a family and boast about it online and don’t tell them or invite them to anything.
Living the best life is the best way to stick it to someone
NTA and unwanted at other parties
Good on you for taking yourself out of that situation. Being merely tolerated sucks. If you had gone, it would have been eye rolls and gaslighting. Now, just cut social media ties and go no contact. Spend time where you feel wanted.
NTA. I am wondering what the new SIL has against you. Are there any current or past conflicts with your twin that she might hold against you? Anyway, they seem to think they can snap their fingers and you will jump. They didn’t ask you to be in the wedding party, they didn’t give you a plus one. If they ever bring it up again, say “I figured out when I wasn’t invited to the engagement party and wasn’t given a plus one for the wedding that SOMEONE didn’t really want me there. I wish I knew what I had done to offend whoever that was, but I don’t.” If anyone dares to call you petty again, just go no contact Birth families can really suck and Im glad you have friends in Portland.
Obviously NTA..You were actually kinder than I would have been. Curious though, what your plans are moving forward. Your family has behaved so abominably, this should be cut the rope and go NC.
I might have done it differently. I would have sent an email recounting everything that you posted here to your brother and stated that I wouldn’t be attending the wedding unless they are willing to come clean about the engagement party. Other than that, why attend something where you weren’t genuinely invited?
>”Now I’m getting calls and texts from everyone saying I was being petty”
Because you are.^(*)
^(*[And that is what I like about you])
UpdateMe!
NTA!
man, I’m about to move out of state away from all of my family and if this happened to me, I’d be fucking crushed dude. I can’t imagine how that must have felt
They snubbed you over and over again and kept insisting you “make things weird”, wtf did they expect? They told you all in the loudest but subtlest ways possible how they no longer view you as their “inner circle”. Hell, I can’t even say if they view as apart of ANY circle. EIGHTY people and yet not the twin brother??? You aren’t just apart of the outer circles, you were cut out of it completely!
NTA. Sounds like the classic black sheep bookworm. You moved away and they all were content to forget about you cuz you didn’t fit in. They didn’t bother to check on you cuz they figured you’d be so desperate for time with them there’s no way you wouldn’t show. Then they put you at a different table so the nerd wouldn’t ruin the photos and they wouldn’t have to actually talk to you. Good for you for calling them out.
NTA when it mattered to them and their reputation, that’s when they started to demand your presence, either they enjoy treating you like a black sheep for golden twin or this was some twisted plot to make you move back after realizing how “distant” the family has become or whatever. I’m sorry your family are assholes OP who needs enemies with a family like that?
UpdateMe
I’d go NC until I got the truth.
Updateme!
OP it hurts and im sorry they are the assholes. I’m a Mom and I could never imagine behaving this way nor condoning this crap !!! You are incredibly wise, you didn’t create a scene, you didn’t feed their toxicity, you stood up for yourself!!! You should never have been treated this way!!! It’s awful!!! Bravo to you for recognizing your worth and not wasting your time on people who don’t value you !!! Create your own village in Oregon!!! For the future I would go LC or NC, up to you. However until they are willing to admit their shitty behavior I certainly would not allow them any of my time. Good luck OP
Nta. Wow. Your mom made it clear “this is your brother’s wedding, how could you embarrass us”. Your invite wasn’t because they wanted you there. It wasn’t because they couldn’t imagine you not being a part of it. It wasn’t even because “your family”. It was so they could save face”. Sometimes family has nothing to do w blood.
If it were me, I would tell them I will apologize if and only if they explain why I wasn’t invited to the party and why I wasn’t placed at the family table. Because if they are gonna claim family then you should be at that table
Were you getting all the calls and texts for optics sake? Nobody called when they didn’t receive your RSVP. Nobody called to get your flight details.
I’m so sorry. This is truly heartbreaking.
NTA. These sibling stories really get to me because there is no excuse to snub someone from any family gathering. I have siblings (with one living in New Zealand) and we would never do this.
I’m so angry they did this to you. Your family sucks. They’re such hypocrites. It doesn’t matter where you live whether it be on the other side of the country, in Europe, in Asia or even on the moon, you should’ve been invited. The fact that they don’t even give you a reason is asinine as you deserve it. You’re not being petty and you didn’t ruin their day. They did this themselves. They were petty for not inviting you to the engagement party (which they should be ashamed of). They knew what they were doing. Now they’re probably embarrassed because there are those who know the real story and are blaming your family. Also, not inviting your plus 1 is insulting. Don’t feel guilty for not going as this is on them. Definitely go NC. Live your life and love who you are.
interesting you don’t seem to be getting any info from your twin. only smoke from your mother and sister.
NTA. First off, Portland is way better than Phoenix. (I moved up here to be with my husband (bf at the time) and would never go back.
I agree with a lot of those who tell you to respond but I would not do the passive aggressive thing. I’m wondering if your gf knows them and what they think of her. But mostly want to suggest you consider your future visits. I wouldn’t wait to address this for that. Holiday meals with family who plan to ambush you are not much fun. Just thinking you have been hurt enough from these people.
The hell is wrong with your parents? You are their son, a twin.
No way I would let this slide between my 2 daughters. They let this situation fester and it got out of control, they are TA, not you.
NTA at all but your family is. The only people that ruined the day was your family. I’d tell them all to F off.
NTA.
I worship your restraint. I’d have sent a bag of dog shit in a box.
Bravo. So NTA, you’re practically all the way back around the world so you’re the AH (in their twisted version of events).
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
So they lied to you, were happy to gaslight you instead of acknowledging their abominable choice to omit you from an important life event that you said you were happy to fly out for, and then basically invited you to the wedding so that they wouldn’t have a repeat of the embarrassment they faced when everyone at the engagement party realised you’d been snubbed. Have they ever made the effort to come visit you? Or is it always up to you to fly out for visits?
NTA
The repeated lying about the engagement party is where they lost 99% of their right to complain about you neglecting their social engagements. Either you’re family or you’re not. Not your fault they decided that you being physically distant was cause for escalation.
Relatives are the people with whom you share DNA; family are the ones who show up for you no matter what. Sounds like you’ve got some jerk relatives. Build a family in Portland and don’t look back. You can’t change other people, and it doesn’t sound like they care enough to be family.
UpdateMe
NTA and I am laughing so hard I had to stop because I snorted coffee and that HURTS!
OMG you are hysterical! I’m just imagining the family’s disconcertation at your behavior! You flummoxed them good!
They only wanted you there, as you said, to play happy family. They’re all mad because you decided you weren’t and you outthought them and they are now revealed to their friends and acquaintances as they are and they did it themselves!
Thank you again for the horeslaugh!
Updateme!
I have no advise but I am sorry this happened to you. Glad you did what you feel was right for you based on past experience. YNTAH
This reminds me of that long saga where family gaslit the OP telling her she was at the funeral no one told her about and it turned out it was the mom and step mom trying to get OP to move closer to home.
They think by excluding you, they’ll bully you into moving home.
You’re NTA, but if you want a relationship with your family, this wasn’t the way to go about it.
I wouldn’t address it and would go NC.
Your parents are the only ones you owe and explaination to and if they were to ask, I’d tell them I was snubbed by your twin brother, his fiance and your sister, who made your last visit so uncomfortable that you left early.
You probably feel like an outsider rather than a family member and that your family no longer has the same fondness for you because you moved away.
Only you can decide if you want to keep the relationships and put in the effort but unless you move back home, seems like that may never happen.
Funny how absence usually makes family look forward to seeing those who are no longer local. Your family is the exact opposite.
NTA. What’s there problem? “You don’t even feel like family”. My big sister lives in another country and still feels like family you live in a different state😭 there’s obviously something going on and if they won’t be bothered to tell you don’t be bothered to care. Your brother obviously has some type of problem with you either he or his wife and it’s crazy that he can do that to his own TWIN
INFO: Did your brother himself say anything about you not being there?
It feels like you, and by extension is, are hearing everybody’s opinion but HIS & since it was his wedding, that’s what ultimately matters.
If he doesn’t care that you weren’t there I don’t get what everyone else is upset about.
NTA….Your family sucks!! All your mom cared about was being embarrassed not about your feelings. Op has your brother called you or reached at all! I’m sorry that your family are all assholes. Goof luck🫂🫶
Updateme
Certainly not the TA.
Sorry you’ve had to deal with something like this. It’s one hundred percent no fun especially since you have zero clue as to why it’s happening.
You seem extremely level headed, keep it up and maybe your family will come around.
OP’s family seems to be operating with some sort of weird, clannish parochialism, which they feel the OP has violated by moving far away. I wonder if the twin feels some sort of envy and resentment of OP ( who possibly has achieved more success and independence, despite being the more nerdy, introverted one?) and this resentment has infected other immediate family members like Mom and Sis. I wonder if the twin was always the favored one?
dude…it’s between you and your brother…..simple as that.
NTA
I get it… Moved away for a job. No one comes to visit me. If I want to see them I have to go “home”. My father can travel for golf but not to visit or to see my kids. He is retired. Drove within 30 minutes of us couldn’t even make time to have a meal together. Mom passed away years ago, I don’t go home as much. Even when I do, they make little time for me and my family. My brother came once said he’d be back in 6 months, that was like 6 years ago. Dad complains that my kids don’t know him, well he could change that but he chooses not to.
I gave up a couple years ago, I was always the one calling. Decided I was going to see how long it took for him to call me, three months!! I could be missing or dead they don’t care well unless the need money then they sure call
Good job standing up for yourself. I did this with my own brothers wedding haven’t spoken to them since
I’m sorry OP.
NTA and, as a person who went to school in Oregon, my very conservative family started to treat me different, as if I was defecting to the dark side or something. They seemed to think I was purposefully trying to separate myself from them, trying to show everyone how different I was because I hated them. Actual things my mom said. None of that was true. Yeah, I’m a liberal, which is bad enough to them, but I went to Oregon because the school was beautiful and had a really awesome program for my studies. I stayed in Oregon for a while after because I just love Oregon, will probably end up back there.
You mentioned you have different interests than your brother does- is it possible they feel like my parents’ did? Like you’re trying to differentiate yourself from them because you don’t respect them, etc? It doesn’t excuse any of their behaviors- just a point of view
NTA. Not even possible. I have family like this and I’ve gone low to no contact
NTA. I’d stop going to holidays going forward too.
What I don’t understand is why, just why? It wasn’t just the brother but your whole family that were doing it, he’s your twin for goodness sake, that must really hurt, I’m so sorry. Not to even sit you at the family table, I just can’t get my head round it. It’s cool the way you handled it but I’d it was me I would have had to get to the bottom of it.
NTA but why couldn’t your brother just tell you what was going on? If you had said or done something that hurt him, why didn’t he at least let you know? And why is your whole family backing him up? Do you have different political views than they do? Did you ever bully your brother? Do you owe him money? Are they really that upset that you moved out of state that they’re willing to destroy any relationship with you? It’s all so weird.
It really does appear that you “did something wrong”. Definitely NTA… I hope you get to the bottom of it! So sorry that you were put through this….
Updateme
You are NTA.
Be prepared for your wedding when you hopefully don’t invite them (except the few you can trust and even then I’d be very careful with info) and they pull shit.
NTA They’re the ones that started the petty shirt. You just finished it.
You did not RSVP, so no one should have thought you would be there. The couple, seeing no RSVP, would assume no (or would call you to see if you got invite), never just put you down as a yes. Especially as an out of town guest. So as to that, bizarre anyone was calling you day- of and acting surprised.