TL;DR: I am on a new med and it makes me sleepy. I didn’t wake up early and my husband thinks I’m using the new med as an excuse for sleeping in.
I have multiple chronic illnesses: bipolar type 2, ADHD, chronic daily migraine, and Mast cell activation disorder. I am on multiple medications and go to therapy regularly. I struggle waking up, and am not always as reliable as my husband wishes I was. I still try my best and push through so I’m not a burden. My husband gets up between 6-7 everyday, and has a “carpe diem” attitude about life. We do have kids, but they are older and don’t wake up early. They play travel soccer and we often get up early to get to games.
Recently I talked to my psych and we decided to switch one of my meds. The one I was on causes a serious side effect called Tardive Dyskenesia and because of how long I have been on it my risk was up to 40% so I asked to change. I am now switching to one with a lower risk.
I asked about the process of switching and they told me to stay out of work for 1 month because of initial side effects and the lack of coverage for symptoms of my conditions. We had a thorough conversation so I knew what to expect. One of the main side effects is drowsiness, especially in the mornings which, should lessen or go away with time. I had a conversation with my family and let them know that I might not be myself, and I would not be as available in the mornings, so I would not be able to drive my kids to school and that if they had a morning soccer game I might not always make it or I would come separately, but that I would try my best to be there.
This morning we had an early soccer game and I reminded my husband the night before that it would be hard for me to get up, but that I would set my alarm and try. When my alarm went off at 730 I struggled to open my eyes and felt groggy. If I didn’t need to drive I would have pushed through, but my husband decided to tell me at 930 the night before that he would need to leave the game early to serve communion at his church.
I slept a little longer and then pushed to get myself up at 830. I got my younger child and I ready to go, but it was 9:15 when we left. I called my husband to say I was on my way, but he didn’t pick up. 5 minutes later he called to tell me he went home to pick up our younger child. At this point I was frustrated that he didn’t communicate with me before he left, and I needed to get our younger child to him. He chided me and told me I should have been at the game and that I was using the medication as an excuse to sleep in which offended me. At this point I said I am going, I waited but he was silent so I said goodbye and hung up.
I feel he communicated poorly, and that his accusation was unfair, but maybe I am missing something. He seems upset and wants to find an excuse to justify his frustration. We will talk it out, but I am still hurt by this situation. I have already scheduled us a couples counseling session with my therapist.
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TL;DR: I am on a new med and it makes me sleepy. I didn’t wake up early and my husband thinks I’m using the new med as an excuse for sleeping in.
I have multiple chronic illnesses: bipolar type 2, ADHD, chronic daily migraine, and Mast cell activation disorder. I am on multiple medications and go to therapy regularly. I struggle waking up, and am not always as reliable as my husband wishes I was. I still try my best and push through so I’m not a burden. My husband gets up between 6-7 everyday, and has a “carpe diem” attitude about life. We do have kids, but they are older and don’t wake up early. They play travel soccer and we often get up early to get to games.
Recently I talked to my psych and we decided to switch one of my meds. The one I was on causes a serious side effect called Tardive Dyskenesia and because of how long I have been on it my risk was up to 40% so I asked to change. I am now switching to one with a lower risk.
I asked about the process of switching and they told me to stay out of work for 1 month because of initial side effects and the lack of coverage for symptoms of my conditions. We had a thorough conversation so I knew what to expect. One of the main side effects is drowsiness, especially in the mornings which, should lessen or go away with time. I had a conversation with my family and let them know that I might not be myself, and I would not be as available in the mornings, so I would not be able to drive my kids to school and that if they had a morning soccer game I might not always make it or I would come separately, but that I would try my best to be there.
This morning we had an early soccer game and I reminded my husband the night before that it would be hard for me to get up, but that I would set my alarm and try. When my alarm went off at 730 I struggled to open my eyes and felt groggy. If I didn’t need to drive I would have pushed through, but my husband decided to tell me at 930 the night before that he would need to leave the game early to serve communion at his church.
I slept a little longer and then pushed to get myself up at 830. I got my younger child and I ready to go, but it was 9:15 when we left. I called my husband to say I was on my way, but he didn’t pick up. 5 minutes later he called to tell me he went home to pick up our younger child. At this point I was frustrated that he didn’t communicate with me before he left, and I needed to get our younger child to him. He chided me and told me I should have been at the game and that I was using the medication as an excuse to sleep in which offended me. At this point I said I am going, I waited but he was silent so I said goodbye and hung up.
I feel he communicated poorly, and that his accusation was unfair, but maybe I am missing something. He seems upset and wants to find an excuse to justify his frustration. We will talk it out, but I am still hurt by this situation. I have already scheduled us a couples counseling session with my therapist.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may have been the asshole because I woke up late and my husband had to take our kid to a soccer game when he needed to leave early from the game.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. You need to get used to your medicine. Your husband is not very empathetic. It’s good you do couples counceling, but not with your therapist. Get someone neutral.
The meds are an irrelevance – if you want to get up later because you just damn well feel like it that’s fine too – there’s no moral virtue in getting up early.
I do have a practical question though – do you typically stay up later than him (or would you if you could)?
NTA. My husband’s meds knock him out and make it hard for him to get up, even after years of being on them. I don’t put the blame on him for that. Better he be groggy than in psychosis.
Your husband has taken known, scientifically documented medicine side effects, and redefined them as laziness or other character flaws. Meanwhile, instead of looking after HIS OWN children, he is serving communion at Church. His priorities are flawed, and even sinful. The care of his own family should take precedence over activities at his Church, unless his service at Church is the family’s primary means of income.
In future, instead of saying you will “try to get up early,” I would suggest you just say, “I am switching to a new medication and the side effects will be debilitating for at least one month. You will need to take the kids to school in the mornings and to all their morning activities on the weekends until my doctor releases me to get up early, which could be as late as the end of November. Just letting you know so you can put it on your calendar.”
Then just refuse to get up. “I told you I would be adjusting to my medication this month. I can’t drive the kids to soccer. You’ll have to do it.”
NTA. Your husband needs to plan on you not being able to drive in the morning. I’m not totally clear on the details of your morning schedule, but it sounds to me like he shouldn’t have committed to serving communion without discussing it with you, knowing that it would force you to get up early and drive to the game. He is not taking your medical needs seriously, and apparently thinks you are malingering or being lazy. The fact that he seems to want you driving with your child while impaired by sleepiness (which is worse than being drunk) is very concerning.
NTA, bodies and brains can really suck. When they do, partners have to be extra good with communications. You were, he wasn’t, he’s trying to make it not his fault by claiming the problem isn’t communication, that he shouldn’t have to communicate.
Whatever – your brain means that he does have to communicate, and be good at it.
NTA your husband needs to be more understanding of your illnesses medication and side effects.But you could try as time goes on.
NTA- New meds can make anyone sleepy depending on the person and the meds. I’m on medication, myself, that I’m trying to get used to. Your husband needs to be more empathetic with you and help pitch in without complaints or blaming you.
So. Your husband the Christian–did he take vows “to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part”?
If so, is he living up to those holy vows?
NTA
NTA
Do you have any in your health care team that can talk some sense into him? If I “read” him right, a man in his 50-60s might be ideal there.