Today I (22F) slept in while my boyfriend (26M) went to work. For context I’m a stay at home mom and we have two toddlers. Last night I had a really difficult time sleeping as our toddlers found their way into our bed, so I went and slept in our guest bedroom. This isn’t unusual and happens 3-4x a week. I woke up shortly after falling asleep in the guest bedroom to my boyfriend using the restroom. All I remember is him asking me what I’m doing and why I left. I was half asleep and responded “go away.” When I woke up next it was 7:22am. I woke up to our toddlers laughing quietly, terrifying. It went on for too long and I didn’t hear my boyfriend check up on them so I got out of bed and noticed my boyfriend had already left for work. I freaked out and ran the primary bedroom to find our kids playing with a little tub of Vicks. My phone was on the nightstand next to the kids and my boyfriend did leave a message that he left at 6:32am (after walking the dog). When I called him to ask what happened, he asked if I got his text message. When I asked why he didn’t just tell me when he left he told me because I told him to “go away” when he woke up in the middle of the night. I was very upset since the kids weren’t changed and soaked through their pull ups and they were left unattended. He said that it was my fault for sleeping in and sleeping in the other room. He got very upset and was adamant I was in the wrong, am I?
Context related info:
• my boyfriend never mentioned that he was going to leave early today.
• he normally leaves 7:30am – 8am and he always tells me goodbye before he leaves if he leaves early.
• my oldest said that his dad said goodbye when he left and told them he was going to work.
Comments
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Today I (22F) slept in while my boyfriend (26M) went to work. For context I’m a stay at home mom and we have two toddlers. Last night I had a really difficult time sleeping as our toddlers found their way into our bed, so I went and slept in our guest bedroom. This isn’t unusual and happens 3-4x a week. I woke up shortly after falling asleep in the guest bedroom to my boyfriend using the restroom. All I remember is him asking me what I’m doing and why I left. I was half asleep and responded “go away.” When I woke up next it was 7:22am. I woke up to our toddlers laughing quietly, terrifying. It went on for too long and I didn’t hear my boyfriend check up on them so I got out of bed and noticed my boyfriend had already left for work. I freaked out and ran the primary bedroom to find our kids playing with a little tub of Vicks. My phone was on the nightstand next to the kids and my boyfriend did leave a message that he left at 6:32am (after walking the dog). When I called him to ask what happened, he asked if I got his text message. When I asked why he didn’t just tell me when he left he told me because I told him to “go away” when he woke up in the middle of the night. I was very upset since the kids weren’t changed and soaked through their pull ups and they were left unattended. He said that it was my fault for sleeping in and sleeping in the other room. He got very upset and was adamant I was in the wrong, am I?
Context related info:
• my boyfriend never mentioned that he was going to leave early today.
• he normally leaves 7:30am – 8am and he always tells me goodbye before he leaves if he leaves early.
• my oldest said that his dad said goodbye when he left and told them he was going to work.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I slept in after my boyfriend went to work. Which left my two young children unattended in the other room. My husband thinks that it’s my fault for sleeping in since he texted me he was leaving. He may be right as I was the only adult in the home and it was my responsibility to be awake and care for our kids.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
INFO
> Today I (22F) slept in while my boyfriend (26M) went to work.
> AITA For sleeping in while me husband is at work?
How did you find time to get married between writing the post body and coming up with the title?
Not sure anyone is an ahole here. He’s probably assumed you didn’t want to get woken again from your middle of the night”go away”. Meanwhile you’re exhausted and slept. NAH.
NAH
Miscommunication happens.
INFO: What’s the usual division of labor in the mornings?
You said he normally tells you when he leaves early – does that mean he usually handles the kids until then? Or is it always assumed to be your role?
Right now, it sounds like the real problem is neither of you have a clearly defined system. He took your half-asleep “go away” as a pass, and was also clearly hurt by it. You expected him to follow the usual routine, and have some respect for your sleepless nights. Neither of you confirmed anything, and the kids got caught in the middle.
This feels like failure of a structure, and I would fix that before it begins piling up into quiet resentment
NAH
Miscommunication happen
Sometimes, people sleep and assume that their partner will handle things while they do so. Sometimes, people leave early for work, don’t want to disturb their partner, and assume that their sleeping partner will wake up soon enough. And more-often-than-we-care-to-admit, those assumptions prove wrong.
It sounds like you and your partner just discovered a hole in (a) your childcare arrangements and (b) your assumptions. It’s time for the two of you to talk through those lacunae and to come up with something that reduces the odds of this happening again.
You’d be surprised how often kids get and stay dirty until their parents get around to noticing and cleaning them up. The little tykes are way more resilient than we give them credit for. So there’s no need to get “very upset since the kids weren’t changed and soaked through their pull ups and they were left unattended.” Slather some Vitamin E or Vitamin A&D ointment on their behinds, throw their sleepers and linens into the laundry (on hot), and chill while sipping on some coffee.
NAH. Your kids waking up to play quietly by themselves and let you sleep in a bit is a good thing.
“He said it was my fault for sleeping in and sleeping in the other room.. ”
HE is the asshole…damn. Guy sounds pissed off for something you said to him when you were half asleep.
Info why does a parent need to be awake if toddlers are still sleeping? Why would your bf still be at the house at 7:22 if he normally leaves at 6:30?
Your boyfriend was offended that you slept in another room and insulted that you said, “Go away.” You need to talk together without fighting to find a way to fix this so it won’t happen again. On your part, be polite. On his part, don’t storm off and put your children in danger.
When the kids come into the bed, put them back in their own. It will be hard for the first week, but get better and better as you discipline yourself to get up and put them in their own beds.
Is a simple misunderstanding reason for anger: sounds like there may be more in play
I’m a big believer in ‘no harm no foul’ if you fall asleep and wake up to your kids not doing anything dangerous then I’d call that a win. That being said the second they do it’s your fault. Just be more responsible next time.
NAH
Miscommunication happens. Kids were fine, dirty diapers happen.
You guys need to talk this over and find a solution. My wife is super rude when she’s woken up and she can’t ever remember but she says mean things and I’ve learned through 15 yrs of marriage not to take it personally
NTA, although this is close to the border of everyone sucking.
If your boyfriend is leaving early, and has reason to believe that you do not know he’s going to leave early, changing your morning timeline needs, then he is ABSOLUTELY the A-hole for not waking you. He left toddlers alone unsupervised while you slept because you told him to go away when he woke you up in the middle of the night to ask you a question that should have a very obvious toddlers-in-the-bed answer? More importantly… why on earth would he wake you to ask you that in the middle of the night.
If you are normally supposed to be awake around the time that he left, even if he was early, this becomes everybody-sucks, because he’s sitll an A-hole for not making sure you were up and on duty, but you’re also out of line for sleeping in without letting him know you were going to/needed to.
Young kids suck for your sleep schedule. You and your husband might benefit from a long discussion about how the two of you ensure you’re getting enough sleep and communicating properly.
NTA. This wasn’t a miscommunication. You said go away while half asleep when he asked what you were doing. He didn’t say hey, I’m leaving for work now. He just left.
NAH – but it seems that a face-to-face conversation about morning expectations and sleeping arrangements is long overdue.
You may want to reconsider having your toddlers sleep with you. Here’s what one relevant study had to say:
>Bed sharing is associated with multiple negative outcomes including infant and child sleep problems, parental distress, increased night awakenings, and reduced overnight sleep. In contrast, children who sleep on their own, rather than sleeping with a parent, obtain more sleep, have fewer nighttime awakenings, have less difficulty at bedtime, fall asleep faster, and are perceived as having fewer sleep problems, leading to the recommendation that independent sleep among toddlers promotes the development of self-soothing ability and minimizes sleep problems.
YTA. The children’s safety is your responsibility. They were playing with actual medication. Thank goodness they didn’t try and eat the Vicks and choke or find some other potentially harmful things.
Part of being a parent is getting out of bed when you don’t want to, and losing out on a good night’s sleep.
Three kids by age 22 is a lot of responsibility. Hopefully you can figure out a better schedule or ways to wake up so that your children aren’t on their own.
Your boyfriend/not husband should have made sure you were awake before he left, for the safety of your children, but I can see why he was irritated, since he has to go to work.
Glad your children are ok.
Woah woah woah!!!
Am I reading this correctly?? He left without doing ANY sort of hand-off with the toddlers?
This isn’t about you sleeping babe! You could have been on the toilet, taking a shower, whatever.
Rule one with small kids: confirm the hand-off!!!
This is not on you at all! He left the house with two toddlers unattended while he was fully aware the only adult in the house was asleep on another room.
NTA!
You have a bigger problem. And it’s your petty bf. He’s playing games with your children’s safety.
NTA. It sounds like your BF got pouty after being told to “go away”and decided to punish you and the kids by leaving for work an hour earlier than normal. Without telling you he was leaving, which a reasonable person would do to ensure the kids are supervised.
Damn. 22 with two kids. SAHM and not even married… those kids are gonna age you. Goodbye to your 20s 🥲 that’s what happens when you date an older man who is ready to have kids.
That was also not my definition of sleeping in, but with toddlers I understand now. Idek what to say cuz there are so many issues in this post.
NTA. He left awake children unattended because he was being petty. His kids should always come before his ego. He’s old enough to know that you probably weren’t lucid, and that he should have woken you up.
ESH. If your toddlers are disrupting sleep 3-4x per week, the answer isn’t leaving them in the big bed while you go elsewhere, it’s sleep training (I know easier said then done but it’s well proven to work IF you and your husband are willing to stick to it.
Your husband was offended by being told to leave you alone then being left to sleep with 2 toddlers when he also needed sleep to get up for work; however, taking it to the extreme of “leaving you alone” and jeopardizing your kids safety was passive aggressive and irresponsible.
Your boyfriend chose his anger towards you over his children’s wellbeing.
His being upset over being left with the kids during the night while you noped out or your words to him during the night are another matter. Using the kids to ‘teach you a lesson’ is not ok
You have 2 toddlers whom you have trained to get out of their beds and wake you up in the middle of the night. When they do this, take them back to their beds and put them back in to sleep. It may take a week or so but you will be happy you did this or you will have 8 year olds waking you up at night. Neither of you are getting enough sleep while allowing them to do this. Your spouse is exhausted and has to get 8 hours because he has to go to work. You are exhausted because you take care of a home and two toddlers that wake you up at night. Might I also suggest, on weekends, give each other a full uninterrupted night of a long blissful sleep and don’t forget to cut out time for each other. Kids are stressful on a marriage and if you don’t cut out “couple time”, both of you will be sleep deprived, short fused, resentful and argumentative.
NTA but your BF is. Toddlers can get out of the house and it was his responsibility to make sure they were supervised by another adult. Him being butt hurt does not mean he gets to be derelict as a parent
Yes you’re TAH. He’s not your keeper. You can maintain your own timekeeping system to ensure someone is up with tots when they wake up. This is 100% on you. Something horrible could have happened. But at least you’d be well rested princess 🙄.
He’s the AH.
it doesn’t matter how angry or irritated he was, the response isn’t to leave toddlers unattended. Toddlers die all the time from sticking things in sockets, swallowing who knows what, or simply just falling wrong and hitting their heads. I hope that he and you, as parents, understand that that was very dangerous!
Additionally, you all need to come up with a sleep schedule. Even though you’re a SAHM, you still need breaks; you can’t be sleep deprived just because you’re a SAHM. And just because he works outside the home doesn’t mean he can’t participate in nighttime activities. He chose to have children and this is the responsibility that comes with it.
You need to get your shit together. Some people shouldn’t have kids if they are fuking useless after having them. You don’t work. You don’t have to do shit but keep your husband fucked and fed and your house clean. What’s wrong with you american women that are lazy as fuck
Argh! Ye may not be the asshole depending on how it’s usually done matey
ESH. He shouldn’t have left the kids unsupervised when he went to work, but also if it’s your responsibility to deal with the kids in the morning you shouldn’t be sleeping in.