I’m keeping this short and to the point
So recently my wife and I decided to open up our marriage sorta. Rules were: only one night stands, use protection, no oral.
My wife had different rules of her own specifically for me though. Same rules but she added she didn’t want to know about any details, hear about it , know who it was with, when it happened. She full on said she doesn’t want to be aware.
She had her first experience with another guy 10 days ago and I was completely fine with it. I found it really hot actually.
Over the last 10 days I’ve been questioning if I actually wanted to sleep with another woman though even if it’s a one night stand. Everyday though multiple times a day she would constantly tell me to do it and that she did it and I should too. The night before I did it 2 days ago we had sex and she told me when she gets horny like that she really wants me to go fuck another woman.
So yesterday I told her I was going to seek it out and I left it at that. Well I found someone who was down with that and we met up at her place. things went well we hung out for about 3 hours afterwards. Following my wife’s instructions I didn’t inform her.
Well she texted me while I was with the other woman asking what I was up to. I said just hanging out. She asked with who. I said I’m not supposed to say it remember? Alluding to it but not saying it. Then she starts freaking out asking if I was with another woman. I said yes and she got super pissed that I didn’t tell her first.
I argued with her that she specifically told me not to and reminded me of those rules everyday leading up to it. I followed all the rules and only did what she’d been basically harassing me to do. She’s claiming a good husband would’ve still called regardless and let her know who I was with and what I was about to do. Because even though she told me not to tell her she still wants to know???
My side is I was just following her very specific rules and I didn’t want to take a gamble by going against them and calling her letting her know what I was about to do. Because what if I did call her and let her know and broke the rules I would still get in trouble. I feel like I couldn’t win in this situation no matter what I did and I’m losing my mind because she’s making me feel like I fucked up.
Comments
NTA
She could be upset about the 3 extra hours that you hung around the girl
That’s her fault she’s really wants to cuck you and got her feelings hurt when you actually agreed and held up both ends of the deal
Man. NTA. This is tough and I hope you can both maturely communicate through it in a way that’s open and honest to your mutual commitments! You seemed to actually care for your wife by respecting her wishes but she’s also your wife and you love her; so remember to be really patient and soft. These are the complications that can come out of these experiences. Just be cool and communicative. Great work so far, to her too. It’s human to have bad moments and react poorly with emotion. Just reset!
NTA. You guys need to sit down and reaffirm what the rules are. Open marriages can be difficult to navigate and feelings may change, especially in the beginning.
NTA. But stop opening your relationship it’s not for you. You are just leading it to divorce.
Uhhh no a good husband wouldn’t partake in sharing his partner. Why are you even married what’s the point?
She wants a one sided open relationship but doesn’t want to sound like an asshole. She made these rules but will be upset either way.
No emotional maturity or follow thru on her end. She wants to get around but doesn’t like her partner doing it. So she’s toxic. NTA
I’m sorry but yes you fucked up. And she lied to you.
The reason why she said she didn’t want to know anything vabout it was because she never wanted you to sleep with anyone else in the first place.
You can not have an open relationship if you two can not openly talk and it together.
Who brought up the idea of sleeping with others?
Relationships over sorry boss you’re married to a psycho/complete idiot
NTA, seems like you did your best to be open and honest.
TBH this is more evidence that many open relationships just don’t work. It seems like it doesn’t often end up being what the people truly wanted, maybe that’s the real issue.
NTA
NTA, it sounds like she didn’t think you’d actually do it
Just get the divorce now
Pandoras Box kill streak continues. Which couple will open it next? COULD IT BE YOU?
Nta. Dammed if you do or don’t. I would have went the same route.
I don’t think she actually wants you sleeping around. But that’s my opinion. Based mostly on her saying she didn’t want to hear about it.
Her wanting to know before sounds like she didn’t actually think you would do it and would have appreciated the chance to stop you.
Again, nta. Though you might want to rethink your relationship. Sounds like she wants a cuck. All opinions.
And that kids is why open marriages and shit like this don’t work for 90% or so of the world’s population. Just because it works for some doesn’t mean that it should be normalized or cultivated. I mean look at this example, even though she wanted it vigoriously she’s now pissed because he played by her rules.
She either changed her mind and now makes it look and feel like it’s your fault and she didn’t think you’d actually do it or be able to pull another woman and is now pissed because she just wanted a one-sided free pass.
NTA
She is straight up gaslighting you.
This is one of those cases where you should have a backbone.
Tell her in no uncertain terms that you will not stand for these games. She made the rules and you followed them.
And if she comes up with “a good husband would…” counter with, “A good wife would tell me what she wants and not play stupid games like this”
Sit her down for a conversation about the rules. And tell her in no uncertain terms that she is not allowed to be angry for FOLLOWING the rules.
Ah the dildo of consequences rarely comes lubed and it seems to have struck again. I think she’s trying to tell you she isn’t into the relationship anymore or just wants to exert her control over you. Not sure which.
NTA. She is. She’ll never be okay with you doing it, and she’s gonna keep doing it. Probably better off just getting a divorce. It’s clear she’s too jealous for that.
NTA
This is not sustainable
ESH.
No one really knows how they’re going to react to something until it happens. That is one of the risks of opening your marriage. Everyone might say it’s OK, might even think that – but when faced with the real thing, they may discover that they are not OK at all. I suspect that is what’s happening here.
Also, you actually did break the rules. What you said was telling her. She asked not to know a thing about it. You let her know it was actively happening when it was happening. So, you did fuck up in following her rules.
Additionally, if someone tells you something is OK, but they never want to hear about it – that means it is actually not OK, and they are ignoring their needs. So – when she included those rules – that should have been the complete end of this discussion. Unfortunately it wasn’t, so here you are.
So – instead of getting defensive, try to empathize with your wife. She thought she could be Ok with this, but she is not. So, she’s hurt. If you acknowledge and validate her feelings, she will likely chill way out about blaming you. Because you did not intend to hurt her, you don’t need to defend yourself. You just need to acknowledge impact, so that you can try to sort out how to move forward.
Rules are for thee and not for me. Women are good at doing as they want and making you the asshole for it. The fact that she’s the one who decided this means she had her eyes on someone. From this story it doesn’t sound like you came up with this idea. As for the rules, when she’s alone with a dude, they go out the window. The only way this could work is if you swing together so everyone knows exactly what’s going on and nothing is hidden.
Your both the AH to each other. It’s a shame society today just can never be satisfied.
Nta. I personally don’t think open relationships are sustainable, but I have heard of it working as long as all parties involved agree and follow all the rules and have open communication. This is not the case here. You sleeping with someone else will ultimately end your marriage, which isn’t fair because you were fine with it, and she’s the one that’s backing down.
Nta but your marriage is going to be over. There will be nothing you can do right because she only wanted the marriage to be open on her side. Good luck
NTA, seemed like she wanted her cake and eat it too, you’re right.
Open marriage= divorce.
Therapy. Something is going on with your wife. You should both talk to someone (NOT Reddit). But NTA… at all….
NTA.
What she asked for is unrealistic especially if she is already acting like this.
Time to cut your losses and close that shit back up before she gets her feelings hurt more.
You know actually it’s funny. It’s usually the guy that gets really pissed off. He wants to be able to play with anyone he wants, but he gets pissed when the wife does it. Whether they’ve agreed to it or not. I can say that for some couples it works very well but ground rules are made to be followed. You tried to follow him and got yelled at for it. You need to set back down and go back over the ground rules. If she doesn’t want to know then she can’t complain when you don’t tell her and I’m sorry but whether it’s a man or a woman. I am so fed up with this complete crap. Yeah I know I told you that but you should have known I didn’t mean that. No you say what you mean. You make up the ground rules and you both abide by them. And if you can’t then you shouldn’t be either one of you doing anything and if you’re going to get pissed over it when you already went out and did something then lady just break up. Then you can bang anybody you want and nobody gives a damn.
But honestly I kind of hate to agree with somebody that says this was because she had somebody she wanted to do something with. And I’m betting that that one-night stand rule went out the window too cuz if she liked what happened and it gets offered again, she’s not going to turn it down
Open works when you agree on rules and you both abide by them. But that does not mean that she gets to make the rule and then get mad when you follow it. She’s wrong
NTA at all. Open relationships only work if the rules are respected and properly communicated. You can’t be at fault for her communicating the wrong rules and expecting you to mind read the right ones.
She already had her dick lined up! But- she didn’t think you would do it… you surprised her ass and now she’s butt hurt? Boo hoo… It would appear that she wanted to fuck around but didn’t want you too. Good for you! Actions have consequences. Find a better partner while you’re at it! NTA
She sound like a crazy pants. She can’t get mad at you for you doing exactly what she says. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t. You’re NTA at all. Live your life. She wanted this to happen. You set clear rules and boundaries. You followed through. Tuff crap for her 🤦🏼♀️
Honestly, you guys discussed boundaries and good for you for sticking to them. I see it all the time where people fuck around and find out without discussing any boundaries beforehand. Perfectly fine changing those boundaries down the road, but it’s indicative of something deeper that your wife is losing her shit when you’re doing exactly what you two discussed. Swinger to newbie, take a break, discuss what you could’ve done differently, and move forward either in the lifestyle or not. Embrace each other and evaluate if this is actually something you guys can handle.
The question is, who brought up the open marriage first? If she did, she’s fucking the same guy before you agreed to be open.
She cheated on you and wanted to make it legal to absolve herself of guilt. 100% it’s a coworker.
She only wants to eat cake and not you.
NTA. As others have alluded to, rules for thee but not for me
She already had her mark and I guarantee it is someone you know and are close with. It’s killing her that she does not know what you gravitated towards.
She is the one who want to cheat and put as an excuse the supossed open relationship. Since she violates her own rules, you could sleep three times per each man she fucks. She do one man, you do three woman. That is a fair play.
Update us when the divorce is final.
NTA, really seems she didn’t think you’d be able to find someone
NTA, but your marriage was over the moment y’all decided to open it.
> so yesterday I told her I was going to look it out
You literally did tell her????????? Wtf
How often do open relationships actually work out?
Your rules are weird.
NTA, but there is no such thing as a sorta open relationship – it’s either open or it’s not. So the impression I got from this is that she wants to have sex with other people, and she was trying to find a justifiable way of doing it, thus the “open relationship” idea. I don’t think she really wants to open your relationship bc she put extra “rules” on your end that make her sound insecure, jealous, and fearful of losing you to someone else. I think she was pushing you to sleep with someone else bc of a mixture of guilt and maybe the notion that if you sleep with someone else then, you’re both on even ground so to speak. Even then, I don’t think she could truly handle the idea of you being with someone else, which is why she wanted you to practically go about it like you were having an affair vs being open… When you made her aware it was actually happening, she flipped because you finally took her idea into the real world. I’m not saying it makes sense or that she’s using sound logic over this, but I am saying that it sounds like she never actually wanted you to have sex with someone else despite what she said. She has no way to be justifiably angry about this, & that’s why she’s grasping at straws trying so hard to find a violation of your agreement she can use against you.
I personally think you should close the relationship immediately and have a sincere heart to heart with her over what she actually does or does not want. I noticed she went through no such melt down when she bagged her stallion, so I would be inclined to think that she had a reason for turning her attention elsewhere that had nothing to do with the desire to be an open couple. Maybe she got a bit lustful for some guy and really wanted to act on it, or maybe she watched a bit too much porn and got fixated on the fantasy of y’all getting it on with other people and how much that idea aroused her. Fantasies don’t always carry over well into reality, and her nagging you like a circling harpy to hook up with someone else after she did it, is a pretty good indicator of guilt & possibly regret, imo.
Just get a divorce already. Like off jump it already caused an arguement so clearly it wont work.
SWINGER HERE…question. Apparently this is the first time you did this. This is not something that you re-opened? She probably said she didn’t want to know because sometimes you dont. I’m sure she didn’t know how she would actually feel about it. (When i started it was a lets make sure you keep your bitch in check)(meaning make me aware so i wouldn’t fly off the handle). Even if in the future she says she doesn’t want to know, just let her know. If she isn’t wanting the details thats fine but never just go do it and not say anything. Kudos for wanting/attempting to go by the “rules”, but dont be disrespectful either. It’ll all work itself out. It’s never right the first time or second or sometimes 3rd.
NTA. I have a question, though: the man she slept with was a complete stranger or someone she already knew?
It’s not for everyone. Definitely sounds like it’s not for her.
Just divorce if you’re obviously not that obsessed or in love.
I think she figured she’d have no problem finding a hookup counting on the fact that your chances were slim to none. Textbook definition of FAFO.
Was this her idea? If so, chances are she already has someone in mind or, and hopefully this isn’t the case, was already sleeping with him.
NTA
If this is true, I hope you are more aware now from the numerous comments. You are on a path to divorce, ball is in your court to decide if you want to make it work or rip off the bandaid. She might do one or the other first too.
You’re not providing details on who brought this up first, but that plays a big factor imo in deciding if she’s a bigger AH then just in this post
That my friend is what my family refers to as a “kobayashi maru”. No win. You got fucked more than once here.
You fucked up, because your wife wanted to join in.
That’s the only thing that makes sense, you have to learn to read between the lines 😉
you got baited bro
NTA, but as other people are saying, your marriage is over. She had already been in contact with the guy she slept with and didn’t want to “cheat,” so she said open marriage. Well, you weren’t supposed to find someone else.
Honestly, say goodbye to your marriage….. Things like this never work out, for either party.
Sit down with her try and not let this ruin your relationship, but honestly you guys sound like you’re not actually ready for being open and you maybe in over your head.
Which is fine, I think and open relationship some times sounds cooler than it actually is
This is the fuck around and find out. This is only leading in one way. To divorce
NTA. And not ready for an open marriage.
You two are not secure enough for an open relationship and should put a stop to it now, or my guess is you wont be married much longer and with how she is acting it could already be over
I get the impression it was your wife that wanted an open marriage.
Intellectually, she was okay with the idea and it turned her on. Reality hit her hard and she really isn’t okay with it. She is giving vibes she wants her cake and eat it too. The reality is if you told her, you would be breaking the rules. By not telling her, you were a bad husband. This is an arrangement you cannot win unless you sleep with her only while she is out trying out the town. You best bet is to have a conversation with her that this isn’t work out really and it is best for your relationship to close it up. If one cannot meet the needs of the other, then go your separate ways.
NTA. i’ve known a lot of couples with open relationships and none of them have lasted. tread carefully.
No oral ? WTH?
You’re not the asshole she wanted an open relationship on her side and now that you did it, she upset and there’s a very good reason why she only wants you to sleep with somebody once because if you do it multiple times, it becomes sort of a relationship and if she’s sleeping with a bunch of different people and you’re sleeping with one she’s afraidand rightfully so that at some point you’re just gonna wanna be with her somebody that just wants to be with you
Just fyi this is a mutual kink. Just turns out mines wasn’t a fantasy and hers was.
I didn’t want to sleep with anyone and I told her that so many times. I’m fine with her doing it but she wanted to push further and involve me sleeping with others too which i personally didn’t want to do. I only did it because she was literally harassing me about it.
NTA
You need to tell your wife that either you have these rules or you don’t.
You aren’t supposed to hang out with the other woman tho…
NTA This will be the end of your marriage.
NTA, its tremendously clear that she wanted this as an excuse to do guilt free cheating while you stayed at home being jealous.
“A good husband would have told me before he fucked someone else”… what stupid rationale. This marriage is gonna end soon, opening a marriage is always a bad idea.
NTA. I feel like you’re right…either way she would’ve been mad. You followed her rules so, she shouldn’t be mad or upset. Sounds like she wants to fuck other people but, doesn’t want you to do the same.
Sounds like she wants to humiliate you but doesn’t like it when the tables are turned
She wants to bang other guys because you allow it, but will not tolerate you getting yours.. your marriage won’t last another year at this rate.
Shocking. An open marriage that doesn’t work. YTA
NTA. You did what she asked. I get that people are into certain things but I just do not understand open arrangements. It’s never ends well.
And her reaction and rules about never knowing make me feel like she’s jealous and doesn’t actually like the arrangement. So why do it then? Did she just want a valid excuse for when she does it? And then she pretty much pressured you into doing it….idk I don’t like it.
sounds like she wants to be able to sleep with other people. but doesn’t want you to be able to.
Open relationships never work!
No oral bit of a weird one? And I would suggest your wife was not as ok with the opening as suggested (given the rules were to keep it secret), but NTA- you did follow instructions
Bruh you know whats happened here. For thee not for me
NTA. Out of curiosity how long after opening the marriage was she able to find a partner?
You two are fuct. Literally and figuratively.
You got offered the candy, you took the candy, now you’re upset when you have rotten teeth.
See the problem is, one of her personalities gave you the hard rules. Her other personality is the one calling you out. Unfortunately for you, her personalities don’t talk to each other and you’re caught in the middle.
Nta when it comes to us men it doesn’t matter what we fuckin do women will always have a fuckin problem with everything we do don’t matter what it is or where or who sorry but she seems like a control freak that can’t even follow her own rules
NTA.
She changed the rules.
This will fail big time.
If you haven’t read it yet, Polysecure by Jessica Fern would be a great book to read together and work through before either of you have another encounter outside of your relationship again.
NTA. You’re not a mind reader. She specifically told you to go sleep with other people and not to tell her. She can’t possibly blame you for doing exactly what she said. Your logic was fair. She’s an AH for this.
NTA.
Your mistake was accepting to get cheated on with a smile on your face.
Tell her, since she got jealous, you’re closing the marriage
Communication is key to making non-monogamy work. It sounds like she had expectations that she didn’t communicate well to you.
From a safety stand-point, I think it’s important to tell your partner where you are. Maybe they don’t want all the lascivious details, but at least and address, and an expected check-in time would be good for next time.
Yeah, this will work out
Play with fire 🔥 ya gonna get burned 🔥
Why even be married 😕
You let someone plonk your wife you definitely not the asshole; you the WHOLE ASS 🥯
But you did tell her because you’re an idiot. “I’m not supposed to say it, remember” is saying “I’m about to fuck someone else”.
Lmfao I can’t believe any one falls for open marriage bullshit
Your wife was looking for a reason to divorce you OP, you fell for her trap. NTA, she can’t really do an open marriage.
NTA. You guys should divorce tho
Here’s the problem, she wants to fuck other men, but you shouldn’t be fucking other women. She never expected you to do this.
A friend of mine, a male gay couple, opened their marriage up, he had sex with someone else (followed all rules), told his husband (part of the rules), and the husband has not been the same with him since. Years have gone by without any sex, no support at home, and my friend still refuses to link it to him having sex with another man, when his husband never once went outside their marriage. This is common when it’s an “idea” until execution.
Open marriage is like cold fire
Sounds like she wanted an open marriage for herself but not for you.
You better sit down with her and have a very real conversation about what you both want and what the rules are. Also, if you don’t really want this, then she may be the wrong wife for you.
This is why open marriages rarely work out.
Sounds like his wife has been spending time on reddit, thought by opening up that she’d be getting laid whenever she felt like it and he’d be at home waiting for her. Then. It didn’t work out that way.
Is she hooking up with dudes?
YTA A one night stand does not involve hanging out with them afterwards. Had you actually left after the deed was done, the rest would have been avoided which was the point of a one night stand only being the rule.
YTA. This isn’t going to end well for anyone.
NTA. Her argument does not make sense. A good husband should ignore rules his wife gives him. Have her explain that to you so you understand because she is punishing you for doing exactly what she asked you to do. If she thinks she wants something, but does not really want it, that is all on her. Tell her she needs to sort her sh!t out and and decide what she knows she wants instead of what she thinks she wants, and then tell you what she decides.
NTA. Sounds like she may be trying to find ways to end your marriage OP. You’re second guessing it to where my thoughts are an open marriage may not be for you. She however doesn’t seem to have a problem with doing it herself but she got super pissed at you. OP you may want to start up some therapy and really ask yourself a few questions:
1- Are you really the kind of person that’s okay with an open marriage?
2- Is her behavior a way of saying she wants to end the marriage?
Good luck OP, sincerely, it sounds like you’re getting shafted here.
Should have got it in writing
So basically what I am reading is; she wants to fuck around under the guise of an open relationship, but doesn’t want you to do so.
That is such total BS on her part. Don’t let her push you around on this. This is definitely a hill to die on.
She is being ridiculous. Unfair and ridiculous.
You went by her rules and she is acting a fool. So either your relationship is open or it isn’t. You both need to decide now, and be realistic about it.
While I don’t understand open marriages, they conceptually make sense. So to this novice, if you don’t want to know, you don’t want an open relationship. You want to cheat and are trying to eliminate any guilt. It’s a compromise a person makes. She likely never thought you’d do it, or that you’d do it in a far more secretive way where she could sleep with whoever she wanted and keep the illusion of you being faithful. That’s not an open marriage o
These stories are just train wrecks leading to an inevitable divorce
Your relationship is so messed up, you come to reddit to make sense of it?
Sounds like she wants to “play” and make sure you stay home and do nothing. Time for joint counseling or separation, I’m sad to say.
Too late now, but just don’t.
Lol, these things rarely end well…
You deserve a separation…
This is what happens when one partner wants to open a marriage and doesn’t expect that their partner will, even if try push them. NTA. You both need to talk to a therapist.
She wanted to sleep with other guys dude. Or specifically someone.
“A good husband would tell his wife who all is he sleeping with”. Lol. Irony.
Honestly, you set yourself up for failure. These rules you have suck. Sounds like you guys need a therapist to help navigate this properly.
Also, you did a terrible job of “not telling her”. The way you “didn’t tell her” was telling her.
Her reaction was dumb, but my god, be more savvy.
Also, just don’t answer your phone when you’re on a sex date.
Can’t win…..hummm, sounds like marriage sometimes. Opening the relationship up and then being “coerced” into it….welcome to the big D down the road.
Here’s my take:
She thought the idea of you sleeping with someone was hot. Until it actually happened and then she got slapped with this unexpected wave of jealousy that she wasn’t expecting. So she rationalized it to herself that it was “only” because she got blindsided and you didn’t warn her beforehand.
You’re NTA but I don’t think your wife is quite as much of an asshole as everyone else is saying. She’s just lost in her feelings right now. I think you guys should go to marriage counseling.
You might as well start splitting up the furniture. This kind of shit always ends in a slamming door.
Nah she overreacted because she wasn’t expecting to feel uoset by it. …but if its just supposed to be hook up hanging out for 3 hours after just chilling could be dicey. Especially since it should just be a one night stand as you two agreed. The get to know you part after leads to more than a one time thing and can lead to feeling being attached. Should not be just hanging out for more than 30 to 45 mins after/without sex in this situation.
How about an update, on your hookup? Age, looks, was she fun? You guys hung out for 3hrs, meeting again? Where did you find her? Spill the beans.
NTA
Highly recommend you to go read More: A Memoir of Open Marriage by Molly Winter, or listen to someone rant about it. Am very inclined to believe that even if both parties are 10000% into it, when their partner actually gets with someone else, a lot of jealousy and insecurity can still happen. it’s a very rare set of situations for a long time monogamous couple to be able to take an open relationship.
Well, at least now that you’ve tried it, you know neither of you can really do this. So talk with her and stop doing it…
What app did you use to find said woman? For educational purposes only.