This was a family event with my(30M) long term gf’s(30F) family – we’ve been dating for 13 years and living together for 7. Her family would describe her brother as extroverted, light hearted and well intentioned.
There were 12 people total at this event.
My girlfriend, let’s call her G, has recently gotten a new car, from her job, and the insurance very specifically says only she is allowed to drive it, which makes G (and myself) anxious to let other people drive it, even me, who she would otherwise be more than happy to take the driver’s seat since she’s not comfortable driving.
G’s brother(32M), let’s call him B, is the kind of person that enjoys having the attention of whatever group he’s in, when we’re hanging out and he shows up, the whole thing quickly turns into where is B going, what does B want to do, etc. This has not changed in the 13 years I’ve known this family.
There is a sibling bullying dynamic in that B messes with G any chance he gets, like they’re 10 years old. The problem I have is that the parents don’t do – and evidently never have done – anything about it, they just laugh and wave it off as typical sibling behaviour, further enabling it. A single fresh example: at this gathering, G arrived and complained to her father that, as she was driving there, B – in the front seat – kept messing with her, the car, pressing all the buttons and honking the horn. Their mother was in the car and obviously did nothing about it, and the father’s response was something along the lines of “you keep complaining about it you only give him more reason to do it”.
So right from the start of this gathering I was a bit miffed, once again, at this bullshit enabling that happens constantly.
Fast forward to after we ate, we were playing some board games, B comes over and asks for the car keys, G asks why does he need the keys, and their mother says “he’s just going to rest a little” (we were at some picnic tables in a small park). G gives B the keys. A few minutes later we see B driving the car down the road. Everyone was just looking at it and smiling, like they always do “haha, there he goes, what a goofball”. My line of thought is usually: this is infuriating but it’s not my place to handle it, usually I mention it to G when we get home, in hopes she can have a conversation with her parents about it. Not this time, this time I lost it, I shouted at him to bring the car back, and started cussing in front of the kids, which G then started arguing with me about. Their father and I then start arguing about B, and I tell him (paraphrased) that B is an asshole and it’s his responsibility as his parent and that he should be ashamed of B’s behaviour. Naturally the father was upset, walked out of the game, and I walked out of the gathering.
My position on this family dynamic has been a pain point in me and G’s relationship, and I wish I had the social skills to handle the whole thing a lot better, but tell me, AITA?
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This was a family event with my(30M) long term gf’s(30F) family – we’ve been dating for 13 years and living together for 7. Her family would describe her brother as extroverted, light hearted and well intentioned.
There were 12 people total at this event.
My girlfriend, let’s call her G, has recently gotten a new car, from her job, and the insurance very specifically says only she is allowed to drive it, which makes G (and myself) anxious to let other people drive it, even me, who she would otherwise be more than happy to take the driver’s seat since she’s not comfortable driving.
G’s brother, let’s call him B, is the kind of person that enjoys having the attention of whatever group he’s in, when we’re hanging out and he shows up, the whole thing quickly turns into where is B going, what does B want to do, etc. This has not changed in the 13 years I’ve known this family.
There is a sibling bullying dynamic in that B messes with G any chance he gets, like they’re 10 years old. The problem I have is that the parents don’t do – and evidently never have done – anything about it, they just laugh and wave it off as typical sibling behaviour, further enabling it. A single fresh example: at this gathering, G arrived and complained to her father that, as she was driving there, B – in the front seat – kept messing with her, the car, pressing all the buttons and honking the horn. Their mother was in the car and obviously did nothing about it, and the father’s response was something along the lines of “you keep complaining about it you only give him more reason to do it”.
So right from the start of this gathering I was a bit miffed, once again, at this bullshit enabling that happens constantly.
Fast forward to after we ate, we were playing some board games, B comes over and asks for the car keys, G asks why does he need the keys, and their mother says “he’s just going to rest a little” (we were at some picnic tables in a small park). G gives B the keys. A few minutes later we see B driving the car down the road. Everyone was just looking at it and smiling, like they always do “haha, there he goes, what a goofball”. My line of thought is usually: this is infuriating but it’s not my place to handle it, usually I mention it to G when we get home, in hopes she can have a conversation with her parents about it. Not this time, this time I lost it, I shouted at him to bring the car back, and started cussing in front of the kids, which G then started arguing with me about. Their father and I then start arguing about B, and I tell him (paraphrased) that B is an asshole and it’s his responsibility as his parent and that he should be ashamed of B’s behaviour. Naturally the father was upset, walked out of the game, and I walked out of the gathering.
My position on this family dynamic has been a pain point in me and G’s relationship, and I wish I had the social skills to handle the whole thing a lot better, but tell me, AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I ruined a family gathering by yelling and cussing at my BIL and arguing with my FIL
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
You should have immediately reported the car stolen.
It appears you overreacted to something because it’s been eating at you for a while. Your intentions are NTA but your response to the situation is ESH. In a controlled manner you should have, years ago, told B that how he treats his sister is not acceptable. To blow up at a party without a previous conversation just leaves everyone bewildered and angry.
NTA B stole the car. Since said car is tied to her employment, he also endangered G’s job. The whole family needs to stop putting up with his bullshit, not just your FIL.
NTA! The family needs to stop accepting B’s horrible behaviour. He’s an adult acting like a toddler and people around him must start setting boundaries or cut him off – for his own sake!
NTA.
You were defending yer mrs, I’d tell the Mrs.that I will no longer defend you or speak up for you at family gatherings, or indeed anywhere, as your other half it’s difficult to sit silently and watch you get bullied by your family,
As for the car I snapped as it’s you who is the authorised and
only driver.
I’m also uncomfortable with the fact that we’ve been together for a long time and yet when I try to tell people to leave you alone you round on me because I spoke my mind,
NTA
I would be absolutely steaming if any family member drove off in a vehicle I am responsible for. And B is incredibly immature & irresponsible for:
A) intentionally trying to distract G while she was driving, therefore putting everybody in the car in danger, and
B) driving off in a vehicle he is not authorized to drive.
NTA but for gods sake why on earth would your girlfriend give him the keys! Even I knew how this was going to play out. She could have unlocked the door to let him inside he didn’t need the keys.
While I completely agree with your actions she has to start standing up for herself you can’t be there every time. Sounds like your girlfriend needs therapy to get the tools to stand up to her family.
Personally the second he messed with the car I’d have stopped the car and told brother he gets in the back or he walks. I’ve had to do this multiple times.
NTA
” G gives B the keys. ” .. G has NO right to complain. she KNEW this was going to happen, and STILL gave him the keys.
G is the problem. SHE needs to learn to step up and say NO.
She needs to stop handing over her car keys, and ifg B can’t behave, she needs to stop driving him.
You have a gf problem, not an in-law problem.
NTA. If they refuse to do anything about him then you have to step in to protect her. There is nothing funny or admirable about how he behaves and their encouragement of him is shameful.
NTA. However G is an adult and continues to be a willing participant. When he asked for the keys she could have said no.
NTA BUT your GF has a work car that specifally states she is the only driver. She hands over the keys to another driver. That driver gets into an accident and your GF is fired and liable for any financial damages. Your GF needs therapy to understand why she acts against her own best interests.
NTA. The problem is your girlfriend. When her brother was annoying her in the car, she should have pulled over and waited until he stopped. Then repeat as necessary. Her parents would have gotten annoyed with the brother eventually.
Also, why would she give her brother the keys?
Edit: typo
NTA. I hope you yelled directly at the brother, too, not just the father.
You can go no contact with her family and tell her why: because they allow her brother to treat her badly.
You hate to see her family treat her badly, but if you are not in love with her enough to marry her, move on.
Your gf needs therapy, her family is bullying her and she’s allowing it
Just a few quick takes:
I think your girlfriend’s family doesn’t respect either of you because you aren’t married. They don’t think of her as an adult because she’s playing house with her boyfriend. Not saying it’s fair, just saying that’s what I think they’re feeling.
Your girlfriend has to stop playing the picked-on little sister role. Brother starts messing with the car, and what does she do? Tell him off? Make him get out? No, she tattles on him to Daddy. For the love of God, they’re both in their 30s!
“This is a work vehicle, I can’t let you have the keys” is the proper response. Anyone reading this knew the minute he asked for the keys, he was going to take the car for a ride, why didn’t your girlfriend?
You shouldn’t be cussing in front of the kids and definitely don’t start fights with your inlaws. G enables B so leave them to it. She needs to learn to set boundaries and stick to it. She could pull the car over and boot B out when he pressed buttons etc. She could refuse to give her keys to B. Inlaws don’t get to dictate their adult children’s behaviour. They can ask as can you or G, but B is grown and no one can force B to behave, you all can set firm boundaries and that’s it.
We have a B in our family, he’s fun until his drama catches you in it.
NTA. He’s a 32-year-old man behaving like a feral child. The rest of the family laughing and being all “Oh, there he goes, up to his antics again” is repulsive. Someone had to call him out. He could cost your GF her job. Her whole family is just enabling his obtuse behavior.