My husband and I have two great kids 8f and 6f, our daughter 6f is autistic, it hasn’t been too big of an issue, she is verbal, social, and doesn’t usually have problems getting along with and playing with other kids.
But there have been some issues and one of them is that she was very difficult to potty train, it was a long difficult process and she still isn’t quite there yet. She still needs to wear goodnites to bed to keep her from wetting her bed and we still put her in pull ups for long car rides and she still needs to wear a swim diaper in the water.
My 8 year olds besties birthday is tomorrow and they’re going to have a party at a local water park and many younger siblings including my 6 year old daughter are invited, she was quite excited to go. But I felt I should let her mom know about my daughter still needing a swim diaper just to give her a heads up in case she walked in on me changing her or overheard my daughter tell me she needed to be changed.
So today I called her mother and told her that my daughter still needed a swim diaper in the water and would be wearing one at the park during the party, she started asking questions like, ” what’s wrong with her ” and ” you need to take her to the Doctor ” .
This irritated me to hear her make these assumptions that I hadn’t taken my daughter to the Doctor or didn’t know why she had these needs, so I just explained to her that my daughter is autistic and she still needs a swim diaper right now and that it wasn’t a big deal.
She said ” oh are you just too lazy to potty train her then ” ? Then I got really angry and snapped, I told her I had been through a lot helping my daughter through her issues with her autism and that I was doing my best and she had no business making assumptions that I was lazy and she was a bitch for calling me that.
She got very upset and hung up the phone and has since sent me a few angry text messages, I’ve sent her some responses trying to have a calm discussion with her but she hasn’t responded. She hasn’t said anything about not letting my daughter come to the party but I am concerned that maybe she won’t.
AITA?
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My husband and I have two great kids 8f and 6f, our daughter 6f is autistic, it hasn’t been too big of an issue, she is verbal, social, and doesn’t usually have problems getting along with and playing with other kids.
But there have been some issues and one of them is that she was very difficult to potty train, it was a long difficult process and she still isn’t quite there yet. She still needs to wear goodnites to bed to keep her from wetting her bed and we still put her in pull ups for long car rides and she still needs to wear a swim diaper in the water.
My 8 year olds besties birthday is tomorrow and they’re going to have a party at a local water park and many younger siblings including my 6 year old daughter are invited, she was quite excited to go. But I felt I should let her mom know about my daughter still needing a swim diaper just to give her a heads up in case she walked in on me changing her or overheard my daughter tell me she needed to be changed.
So today I called her mother and told her that my daughter still needed a swim diaper in the water and would be wearing one at the park during the party, she started asking questions like, ” what’s wrong with her ” and ” you need to take her to the Doctor ” .
This irritated me to hear her make these assumptions that I hadn’t taken my daughter to the Doctor or didn’t know why she had these needs, so I just explained to her that my daughter is autistic and she still needs a swim diaper right now and that it wasn’t a big deal.
She said ” oh are you just too lazy to potty train her then ” ? Then I got really angry and snapped, I told her I had been through a lot helping my daughter through her issues with her autism and that I was doing my best and she had no business making assumptions that I was lazy and she was a bitch for calling me that.
She got very upset and hung up the phone and has since sent me a few angry text messages, I’ve sent her some responses trying to have a calm discussion with her but she hasn’t responded. She hasn’t said anything about not letting my daughter come to the party but I am concerned that maybe she won’t.
AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Snapped aty friend and called her a bitch for calling me a lazy mother
She is very angry with me for it
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA – I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You’re a wonderful mother to your daughter, you are advocating for her rights and needs and doing everything you can to make sure she’s happy, safe, and taken care of. You are also so thoughtful to reach out and let this other mother know just so she wouldn’t be confused or caught off-guard at the party. That was such a great courtesy.
She had no right to call you lazy or ask invasive questions about your daughter. Zero. It frankly isn’t her business at all why your daughter needs a swim diaper. She was judgmental and the things she said were downright nasty. I’d feel worried even if she didn’t uninvite your daughter, just in case she said mean things about her while at the party.
NTA
People are always gonna have an opinion on your parenting. Most of the time the best thing to do is ignore them.
You gave too much sensitive information and that made the other person think they had a right to comment on it. Give them less information and they’ll have less to argue. If you (or the other parent) is staying at this party, I wouldn’t even have said anything. It’s private and does not require accommodations from the host.
I get it. I do it too. I tend to panic and over-explain, thinking if I say more words, they will understand better. That rarely happens. I highly recommend you practice some phrases in the mirror or with someone helping you. Things that end the conversation and let the other person know that their opinion is not wanted. Like “been there, done that. this is what works for us.” Or “ thank you for your thoughts but this is not up for discussion.” Or “no.”
NTA. I have three autistic kids with various needs. It sounds like you are doing what your daughter needs. Everyone needs to be aware of what goes with autism. It isn’t just “quirky” behaviors, meltdowns, and a “picky” diet. Our kids truly struggle and we are right there with them doing as much to help them as possible.
I would send your friend an article about toileting issues in children with autism and tell her to never call you lazy again. She probably wouldn’t survive a day in your shoes.
You need to chill out. 1- you’re going to be there so this isn’t something you needed to share. 2- you wanted to share, which leaves you open for advice/criticism. Best thing would have been leave it alone and deal with it as it happens. Write it off as an accident.
When she asked what was wrong, “she’s autistic and has trouble recognizing the signs, we are working with doctors/specialists, it’s something we hope will get better with age.”
Some people will always push your buttons. Snapping at them is just going to encourage them because they got a reaction. Some people are problem solvers so they will give advice even if you don’t need it.
My suggestion, watch yourself around your daughters friends parents or your daughters aren’t going to have any friends. These people are not your friends, at least not yet. So don’t over share. ESH.
I wouldnt attend this party
ESH. The mom was rude and hurtful. But you took it too far.
OP I’m a 32 year old autistic woman and I still struggle with toilet signals. I’m solid, most of the time, I don’t need pull ups or anything and haven’t since I was like 6. But I’ll have the tiniest of accidents maybe 3-5 times a year. I just genuinely don’t feel bathroom signals correctly, until it’s URGENT that I have to go i don’t realize it, has absolutely nothing to do with being lazy or your daughter not trying hard enough.
Tell your friend to Google autism struggles with bathroom signals, it’s very very very common. You’re doing great by your child.
Absolutely NTA
I think you not putting her in a swim diaper would be lazy and inconsiderate NTA
NTA for snapping.
However, I disagree with all the people saying she didn’t need to know. This is something you should share.
Swim diapers just hold in poo. Most people don’t want people peeing in their pools. Kiddo shouldn’t swim if she can’t be trusted to not pee in the pool.
ESH. Audhd mom of mixed ND group of kids, so it’s not like I don’t understand having autistic kids. About the time someone called me a bitch though, I would not be socializing with them anymore. She was rude and had no business saying you were lazy, but 1) you didn’t have any real reason to share the swim diaper to begin the conversation and 2) you called her a bitch. That probably did ruin things for your 8 yo.