So I (25M) am in my third year of uni. I served in the military before going to school, so I’m older than most of my classmates. My girlfriend Kara (21F, almost 22) and I started dating when I was 23 and she was 20. She’s Arab (but not muslim), and she’s absolutely stunning. I’m white and so are my friends.
Some of the guys I served with came into town recently. I’ve kept in touch with them since getting out, and they’re the kind of people who give each other endless shit.
We met up at a bar and I brought Kara along, and she was excited to meet them. Right from the start, they start cracking jokes about our age gap. Someone asked her when her bedtime was, and something about me robbing the cradle.
Kara laughed along because she’s honestly a saint, and I let it slide because I know my friends didn’t mean it maliciously. They were also asking her questions and being friendly in between the jokes. They were genuinely curious about her family, her major, etc. But they never really let go of the “she’s younger” thing.
The moment that pissed me off was when Kara went to the bathroom. Once she’s gone, one of my friends says “Have you seen her ID, mate? She might be one of the prettiest pieces of jailbait I’ve ever seen, but not worth jail time.” I kinda glared at him but the others laughed. The last straw for me was one of them saying I got a hot war bride without even going to war.
I just snapped. I told them they were being disrespectful and that they needed to shut the fuck up about her. Things went cold after that, and when Kara came back I told her we were leaving.
Outside, I explained what had been said. Kara was way calmer than me about it. She shrugged and said, “They joke like that with each other, right? I don’t mind.” She also told me she doesn’t want me cutting off friendships because of her, especially guys Ive known for so long.
Since then, the guys have been texting me saying I overreacted, that they were only kidding, and that if Kara felt uncomfortable then they’re sorry. But they added stuff like “You know how we mess with each other, don’t be dramatic”
The thing is the word jailbait really crossed a line for me. Even if she is 21 and completely legal, it made her sound like some prize instead of my partner. War bride rubs me the wrong way as well.
Now I’m torn. On one hand, Kara says she doesn’t care and I don’t want to look controlling and react for her. On the other, I feel like I did the right thing standing up for her, even if she thinks I went too far.
AITA for snapping at my old friends and leaving the bar over their jokes?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
So I (25M) am in my third year of uni. I served in the military before going to school, so I’m older than most of my classmates. My girlfriend Kara (21F, almost 22) and I started dating when I was 23 and she was 20. She’s Arab (but not muslim), and she’s absolutely stunning. I’m white and so are my friends.
Some of the guys I served with came into town recently. I’ve kept in touch with them since getting out, and they’re the kind of people who give each other endless shit.
We met up at a bar and I brought Kara along, and she was excited to meet them. Right from the start, they start cracking jokes about our age gap. Someone asked her when her bedtime was, and something about me robbing the cradle.
Kara laughed along because she’s honestly a saint, and I let it slide because I know my friends didn’t mean it maliciously. They were also asking her questions and being friendly in between the jokes. They were genuinely curious about her family, her major, etc. But they never really let go of the “she’s younger” thing.
The moment that pissed me off was when Kara went to the bathroom. Once she’s gone, one of my friends says “Have you seen her ID, mate? She might be one of the prettiest pieces of jailbait I’ve ever seen, but not worth jail time.” I kinda glared at him but the others laughed. The last straw for me was one of them saying I got a hot war bride without even going to war.
I just snapped. I told them they were being disrespectful and that they needed to shut the fuck up about her. Things went cold after that, and when Kara came back I told her we were leaving.
Outside, I explained what had been said. Kara was way calmer than me about it. She shrugged and said, “They joke like that with each other, right? I don’t mind.” She also told me she doesn’t want me cutting off friendships because of her, especially guys Ive known for so long.
Since then, the guys have been texting me saying I overreacted, that they were only kidding, and that if Kara felt uncomfortable then they’re sorry. But they added stuff like “You know how we mess with each other, don’t be dramatic”
The thing is the word jailbait really crossed a line for me. Even if she is 21 and completely legal, it made her sound like some prize instead of my partner. War bride rubs me the wrong way as well.
Now I’m torn. On one hand, Kara says she doesn’t care and I don’t want to look controlling and react for her. On the other, I feel like I did the right thing standing up for her, even if she thinks I went too far.
AITA for snapping at my old friends and leaving the bar over their jokes?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My gf said it wasn’t a big deal + my friends don’t think so either.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Lighten up, Francis.
I think you over reacted based on the length of the friendship. I highly doubt they said anything with malicious intent.
NTA. First, you barely have an age gap. Second, they were absolutely being disrespectful and rude. It doesn’t matter that Kara wasn’t bothered, you were. Good for you for not putting up with that crap. I understand the joking and ribbing each other, but they crossed a line. You didn’t overreact at all and frankly they should absolutely apologize to you and Kara.
NTA. Warbride? Your friends sound vile.
In my opinion you were not only standing up for her, you were standing up for yourself. The comments were making you feel uncomfortable and that’s valid. Friends should be willing to accept your boundaries. NTA
NTA, but i think you should accept the apology and keep your friendship. I dont think they’ll continue joking about it since its a touchy subject.
Regardless if this relationship is going the distance or not, your friends suck. Get better ones.
ESH. Your friends were out of line, but I’d say you probably overreacted. What you describe sounds pretty typical for a group of young guys, and when I was in my 20’s and in the military, I’d have probably received the same ribbing from my friends if I had been in your situation.
I think… you knew that they were joking deep down but their repeated comments made you doubt your love was normal and instead perverted. You weren’t offended about her being the prettiest just the jail bait part. The part that implied legal, and maybe moral, wrong doing. NTA but in the context of your friendship definitely newly sensitive. Could’ve just as easily joked their best chance at getting some would be a dommy mommy or something.
Only in America will people take issue with a 21 and a 25 year old dating… You’re quite right OP, your pals were out of line – you gf doesn’t need to be uncomfortable with it, if you are, that’s enough. You’ve not heard a single apology from them either.
The war bride stuff is honestly even ickier to me – as someone who still gets ID’d at 32, I can let the first comment slide as banter but the war bride stuff is just a step too far. Your pals need to learn how to compliment someone without being an asshole about it. And how to apologise. You are NTA.
I don’t know if people who were never in the military are going to be able to relate to your story. Maybe people who played a team sport for many years have that level of camaraderie and I’ll probably be downvoted a lot, but that ok.
I was active of duty for quite a while multiple deployments and a couple tours in Korea. So I’ve definitely had friends and I myself have been through similar situations such as this many times. The friends were completely out of line obviously , they were using humor to cover up opinions that are none of their business and who knows what else and it’s sort of an unhealthy coping mechanism and pretty common with guys who feel like they can say basically anything to each other… sometimes also happens with us annoying family members who think they can say whatever they want.
I definitely don’t think you overreacted. I also think that in this kind of situation you can generally reconcile with minimal apologies and things like that. Having seen this situation oh I don’t know at least 50 times by now you can just tell him hey that kind of shit ain’t cool with me. Please don’t do it again and lets let bygones be bygones. There’s no need to do things like force them to apologize to her and all that especially because it doesn’t sound like she needs that.
Or conversely, if you weren’t gonna see these guys very often if ever you can cut them out of your life just be sure that’s what you wanna do. If you’re on Reddit, it doesn’t sound like that’s what you wanna do. NTA
They were telling you they dont respect women
This is not a question of whether or not you have had proportionate feelings about the situation, it’s looking at what your feelings are telling you about how you are in context to this situation. It is very normal to grow out of a group of friends formed out of proximity and not out of shared thoughts and mindset. A lot of military folks will never grow out of the idea of “winning” in every social space because the military continually reinforces hierarchies as good, and being on the top of them as aspirational. After getting out, it’s also normal to realise these thought processes might be necessary to survive war, but are regressive when it comes to living in a society built on mutual respect and care – and that kind of thought is no longer honourable to hold on to.
It might just be time to realise those men are not the type of man you want to be, but that you’re not going to be able to talk them out of it.
NTA, or maybe NAH.
Idk your friends, idk if they genuinely used shocking humor and didn’t mean it, or if there was actually some truth behind their dehumanizing words. But in any case, you have a right not to enjoy dehumanizing/sexist humor.
I think you could’ve reacted a bit more softly, like “guys come on, this isn’t funny, be respectful” and kept on going, especially if she also didn’t have a problem with it and if it was genuinely just banter.
They also could’ve read the room a bit better. Like you did show non verbally that you didn’t like it. So some empathy and boundaries wouldn’t hurt them.
Try talking to them about it calmly and I’m sure all will be solved.
NTA, your friends were out of line.
NTA. Guys need to call other guys out when they’re being inappropriate not just laugh along with it as they belittle women. Good for you.
This is not a problematic age gap. NTA but find other friends
They aren’t friends
Nta.
Serious question: Have you seen her ID .
I guess no one in the comments has served here ? this is like bottom of the barrel stuff obviously there is a line but doesn’t sound like its been crossed
NTA
But I would carefully think about whether they are worth the trouble. They sound like assholes.
You definitely didn’t overreact and it was necessary to make your feelings known so boundaries are set. Honestly I find it weird they are making a joke about such a non age gap but maybe they are just not that funny and struggling for content. I think these might be the kind of friends you outgrow or just see occasionally and that’s totally normal. Good luck to you and your girlfriend she sounds amazing btw!
Nta. It’s fine if she’s not offended, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be. The implication you’re dating jailbait or got a war bride is pretty offensive to your character. Those guys sound exhausting to me. At some point, hardcore teasing just becomes passive aggressive mocking.
You have almost no age gap, she is over 18 your buddy’s may have been out of line they sound like it’s how they act , NTA ,but you should talk to your friends. Good luck congrats to have a woman who also NTA .
‘She’s stunning.” That’s what you have to brag about this person and why you decided to be her partner to start with. Do you know her?
Your friends aren’t friends, but you don’t seem like a prize, either.
Obviously they triggered something in you. 4 yrs is nothing. Had you led with the war bride comment first then I’d have back you up. The first is your own feelings about the age gap. Anyone who’s ever served or been around anyone who served knows they’re harsh. But bro love is real.
What would they have said if she was Muslim?
YTA – you have an established relationship of friendly piss taking, which she understood and somehow you didn’t. Taking the piss out of a (negligible) age gap is absolutely within the bounds of banter you give and take.
The fact you’re so sensitive about it makes me wonder what else is going on. Is she actually younger than you say? Or are you worried that she’s going to realise you’re punching above your weight because of what your friends say? If the latter, it sounds like your insecurity is going to be the problem factor, not their jokes.
In any case, they apologised, despite not deviating from established, acceptable patterns of behaviour. You now need to go back, take some shit from them on your own, and acknowledge you were a sensitive little princess because you actually think she’s special.
Don’t lose military friends-they’ve got your back for life.
I mean, it’s totally acceptable for you to be offended and hurt by what they said but I wouldn’t cut them off because of it, especially if your girlfriend wasn’t upset.
Just take some time and then maybe message them and say “ok let’s move on, but don’t say shit like that again please” .
I really don’t think they meant any harm , was just a bit tasteless .
NTA but you definitely overreacted. I was in the military too, and you know we fuck around with each other, and say alot of out of pocket shit, but don’t actually mean it. It sounds like you have some insecurities about it. Yall aren’t even that far apart. A lot of people in here are also gonna straight up not understand how military friends interact. So you probably should’ve posted to a military sub.
NTA
But maybe think of it this way: it has nothing to do with Kara. It has everything to do with you not liking the kind of language your friends use (jailbait and war bride). So you stood up to your friends because of their behaviour, not because of your girlfriend.
You can now either let it go or explain to your friends that you are not ok with this kind of language.
NTA and what age gap? And I think when you grew out of their jokes and understand that maybe some might be crossing the line, but your girlfriend is a saint for being calm. Honestly when I tell people my age gap to my husband (we’ve had a civil partner, but I call him my husband) they were normal about it. We have a 17 year age gap and before anyone ask, I ask him out when I was 24-25 years old. But anyway, I think you should let them know that the problem is, is that their jokes aren’t funny or might be uncomfortable. They might defend themselves about it, but say what would happen if they say that joke to other people will they be comfortable?
Yta. Or not really, but ultra sensitive if nothing else.
YTA. Firstly, they didn’t disrespect your girlfriend, they ribbed you for her looking young. If they had gone in full on the “war bride” angle, I could almost see your position, but 1 comment when she wasn’t there is again not “disrespecting” her to the point that you flounce out. You took more pains in your post to mention that she was arab than they did in a whole evening, apparently.
I wouldn’t have even taken the the war bride comment as a major issue given your age and time of service. You just seem prickly. Your impression of what respect is is way off. You wanted your friends to validate you and got hurt when they mocked you, which if you’d paid attention during your service, you would have realised they were always gonna do.
You escalated nothing into something, which is not a good thing to do
You need to chill
Theyre dicks, but those are your brothers. You’re not going to get connections like that in the civilian world …
The war bride comment has a racial undertone, right?
I think it would be fair to say to these guys that you’re upset because of how they treated Kara, and you reacted that way because of how you felt as well as protecting her. That you joked along when it was light hearted, but it stopped being funny after it tipped into disrespect. There is no way that a jailbait comment can be interpreted in any way other than offensive.
YTA, and an overdramatic one at that.
NAH
It sounds like your friends were giving you endless shit, which is exactly what you said they do.
It sounds like you really like this lady, so you were defensive about what they said which I think is 100% fair.
Your girlfriend seems to have been not offended by what they said and understand they were joking.
I’m guessing if the bar and active military is involved, a lot of alcohol was consumed which can always heighten emotions.
I’d say let the sobriety kick in tomorrow, be honest with your friends and tell them you know they were joking but you really like this person and the jailbait / war bride stuff got to you.
If they’re good friends, they’ll lay off (mostly).
Congrats on the lady, she seems like a good catch. Take her advice on this one.
NTA. Even if they didn’t have malicious intent, they were still being disrespectful to someone and what’s worse was their lack of accountability after by basically saying you’re overreacting insinuating that it’s not that deep.
Don’t cut them off. Tell them they’re being assholes by not taking accountability. They can keep their jokes about themselves and to themselves. Why did they even think it was appropriate to make jokes about someone that’s not close to them or in their circle?
This just reads to me like guy friends ribbing each other. They wouldn’t have said it if they didn’t feel comfortable with joking with you, and they expect to be slagged in a similar way. You overreacted, I’m on your gf’s side
Bro, if you all joke like this say sorry to each other and let it go.
Remark that you don’t like the age type of jokes about your girlfriend and let it go.
They are your friends, it can happen you can solve this, if they continue then go away