A bit more than a month ago my now ex broke up with me out of the blue. I don’t want to go into the details of the relationship or the break up but we had been talking about marriage before the break up. We had settled on the wedding bands and an engagement ring. I am by no means well off and arguably live paycheck to paycheck but I manage to always pay my bills, save money, and budget money for fun (concerts, fancy dinners, trips to ren Fairs/ cons/ rallies, random events, etc). While still doing all this I managed to put aside several thousand for the engagement ring she wanted. After the break up I decided to spend that money on myself. I bought myself my favorite bourbon, a case of my favorite cigars, and finally finish a large tattoo sleeve I’ve been having worked on for two years. The issue came when I started casually seeing a young woman, let’s call her Dee. I knew Dee before I met my ex but we were more acquaintances than anything else just due to life stuff (and honestly because I only had eyes for my now ex from the moment i first met her) but we knew enough about each other that she was familiar with the fact that I’m not one to just casually throw money around. Since this money wasn’t budgeted for anything (well not since the breakup) and let’s be honest I’m heartbroken I’ve been a lot more willing to just say “fuck it” and spend money. Tonight I met Dee for dinner and drinks and during the drinks part of the evening she noticed my fresh ink and jokingly asked me if I had gotten promoted or hit the lottery. When I explained to her where this money had come from she got real serious and told me that spending it like that was disrespectful. That I had saved that money for something beautiful and by “wasting it” it proves I never cared about my ex. Dee ended up leaving me at the bar (where I am currently typing this up) because she was upset with me. Maybe it’s the fantastic cocktails blurring my judgement but am I the asshole for spending my money?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team
A bit more than a month ago my now ex broke up with me out of the blue. I don’t want to go into the details of the relationship or the break up but we had been talking about marriage before the break up. We had settled on the wedding bands and an engagement ring. I am by no means well off and arguably live paycheck to paycheck but I manage to always pay my bills, save money, and budget money for fun (concerts, fancy dinners, trips to ren Fairs/ cons/ rallies, random events, etc). While still doing all this I managed to put aside several thousand for the engagement ring she wanted. After the break up I decided to spend that money on myself. I bought myself my favorite bourbon, a case of my favorite cigars, and finally finish a large tattoo sleeve I’ve been having worked on for two years. The issue came when I started casually seeing a young woman, let’s call her Dee. I knew Dee before I met my ex but we were more acquaintances than anything else just due to life stuff (and honestly because I only had eyes for my now ex from the moment i first met her) but we knew enough about each other that she was familiar with the fact that I’m not one to just casually throw money around. Since this money wasn’t budgeted for anything (well not since the breakup) and let’s be honest I’m heartbroken I’ve been a lot more willing to just say “fuck it” and spend money. Tonight I met Dee for dinner and drinks and during the drinks part of the evening she noticed my fresh ink and jokingly asked me if I had gotten promoted or hit the lottery. When I explained to her where this money had come from she got real serious and told me that spending it like that was disrespectful. That I had saved that money for something beautiful and by “wasting it” it proves I never cared about my ex. Dee ended up leaving me at the bar (where I am currently typing this up) because she was upset with me. Maybe it’s the fantastic cocktails blurring my judgement but am I the asshole for spending my money?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I saved money for an engagement ring and after the relationship ended I’m now spending the money on myself.
A friend feels that disrespectful and i have no clue how that is since it’s my money and the relationship is over.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
Check out our holiday break announcement here!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Dee seems to have some personal biases about how you (who are now single) spends your savings. I’m not sure what she expected you to do with that money now it’s never going to be spent on what you were saving it for…?
Sounds like she was mad you didn’t spend the money on her.
I’m going with NTA. It was your money to use as you saw fit. She might be taking it as you didn’t mourn the relationship long enough. I don’t know. It also kinda sounds like she’s a little mad you spent it on yourself, and not on her. But that’s just my take on it.
NTA. Not sure what Dee’s problem is. What else should you spend it on besides yourself? Was Dee expecting you to spend that money on her now or something?
NTA. It’s your money and she’s an ex and you don’t owe her anything.
This Dee person is making a weird point. What are they expecting you to do? Buy the ring and give it to your ex?? Nope. It’s your money that YOU earned, do with it what you want friend and be proud of your hard work paying off.
NTA but maybe take some time for yourself to grieve the relationship.
It was your money to spend however you want and I hope that the things you’re spending it on will give you joy and wonderful memories.
Not sure what Dee’s deal is and she’s entitled to her opinion but it sure sounds like she might have been interested in your money?
Mr. that was your money to do with as you wanted and not for her to tell you that it was disrespectful. You probably dodged a bullet from that girl.
NTA.
I wouldn’t have spent the money like you did. But the way you spent it is your business, not my business, not Dee’s.
I feel though that I wouldn’t want to date someone who I think is irresponsible with their finances. So I understand Dee to a certain degree. Leaving like she did was rude.
Dude, NTA. And don’t give Dee another minute of your time.
Jeeze, Dee, nosy much?
NTA
NTA!!! These women are gone from your life, but you have some nice new ink that will last forever!!!! Idk how old you are, but I’m almost 33 and regret not getting tattoos I wanted when I was younger because now I have kids and responsibilities, and can’t fathom getting a tattoo for the foreseeable future. You will meet someone that is right for you and save up new money to spend on that, but the money you had saved for your ex’s ring could have been spent however you wanted. Your new friend was lucky you didn’t just go to a strip club with it.
As a woman, I say NTA. You were saving the money for a ring that you no longer want to purchase. It is your money. You can do what you want with it.
Dee sounds jealous. But I’d spend some time alone and see what you want in the next relationship.
NTA – You don’t owe anyone anything. That’s your money and how you spend it is up to you and you alone. Sometimes, things don’t work out, but the fact that she has an opinion and felt “offended” enough to share that with you, then leave, shows that you don’t need her in your life.
Could you spend it on other things? Sure. But that’s your decision. Did she expect you to save that for your next future fiancé or some nonsense like that?
Block her and move on. You just saved thousands of dollars to not deal with her.
Fuck no, NTA. Dee didn’t sound like someone you (or anyone) should be dating. It seems clear already that she is controlling and judgmental. You just got out of a big relationship, so just move on and don’t sweat it.
NTA. Be careful in choosing women.
(43 m) yoyr friend Dee knows your pay check to pay check, she see you blowing money you can’t easily replace. If send a message of not having your priorities straight. She is looking at the long term of a relationship. Does this guy have the funds for a future.
Women look for stability. Depending on your age and hers she may see it has a waste for temporary pleasure instead of long term pleasures. She liked you know you just get by so she is not a gold digger. Just looking for someone that will save for the future. Just my thoughts brother.
Omg no NTA. Dea is clearly bat crap crazy. It’s your money darling go to Disney and fly first class if you like.
Now, that being said, if your broke and barely surviving, maybe use most of it for life; but yes go have some fun and spend it on whatever you want
I had money saved to buy my gf (now my wife) an engagement ring but she broke up with me so I bought myself a new guitar 😀
What a weird reaction. You can spend your money however you like
Sounds like Dee just likes being dramatic. OP’s behavior (in light of the totality of his circumstance) was pretty reasonable. NTA
NTA. Dee was waaay out of line to criticize your spending. It’s none of her business. And she was upset?! Left you at the bar?! What a psycho.
NTA but Dee sounds like one. What exactly were you supposed to do with the money…..unless you’re leaving out major details?
NTA
Is Dee friends with your ex? This is an incredibly weird reaction. Or was she hoping you’d spend the money on her?
I don’t get it but you do you bro. Enjoy the ink, the bourbon and the cigars.
NTA, Dee is absolutely nuts, and you should stay single for a bit. Don’t jump into something
Could you have spent the money better? Absolutely. Does Dee have any ground for criticizing how you spent money you saved up that suddenly didn’t have a purpose? Not at all.
Nta
NTA, but sharing details about your finances always risks judgment. On whom, what, where, when, why and how you spend your money should be limited to those people who need to know.
When she asked you whether you had gotten promoted or hit the lottery, the appropriate answer would have been: “No.” It’s an honest answer that, with no explanation following, also makes the point that where the money came from is no one else’s business.
Sounds like a perfect idea
NTA you dodged a bullet.
Nta… Truthfully, Dee probably just wanted you to hold that money and keep adding to it for the possibility you would spend the money on something for her one day!
NTA. The world is on fire and your specifically got flipped on it’s head. Enjoy the money you saved. It says enough about how you felt about your ex by how much you managed to save for her. But she’s not a factor anymore. Enjoy your bourbon, cigars, and ink friend.
NTA. That was a weird reaction on her part.
Too bad you spent money on Dee. She’s an AH and has no clue.
Enjoy your drinks, cigars, and sleeve art. NTA
I, an adult woman, am firmly of the opinion that Dee is out of her damn mind. Tf is she even talking about? Your ex broke your heart and you’re entitled to grieve that relationship however you want. If that means taking some newly freed up money and using it to treat yourself, then that’s great. Like I actually cannot think of a better use for that money. NTA and Dee needs to get a grip.
It’s your money you saved for something special that didn’t work out. You should spend it on yourself and something you want. Good for you getting your sleeve done. I think it was the perfect choice.
NTA. Friend, that is of Dee’s is one of the dumbest things I’ve heard in my life.
Seriously dumb.
Working on your sleeve is a great way to celebrate you. I approve wholeheartedly.
Your money you spend it on yourself. You deserved to treat yourself from dodging a bullet.
NTA
You can spend your money however you wish, and if that money was solely set aside for that person, and that person is no longer in your life, then part of grieving or moving on may well be to use it on yourself especially because that tattoo has been in your mind a long time.
Other people shouldn’t have an opinion on how you spend your own money, especially when you’re fine enough to save and pay bills, etc. Maybe Dee was jealous that you should have spent it on her? I would like to know who she thinks it’s disrespectful towards. It can’t be your ex, as she is gone. So who?
Let Dee go, if this is how she reacts to money she hasn’t been there for (as in you weren’t saving it for her nor during a relationship with her) then who knows how controlling or uncontrollable she’ll be with her/your/both of your money should you end up in a more serious relationship later on.
NTA.
You don’t want that one either.
You worked hard for your money, its not for her to decide what’s right for you to do with it (I probably would have sat on it personally, but yay to tattoos!)
NTA… but you’re an idiot with money. You yourself state that you live paycheque to paycheque. You could have treated yourself to one of the things but you blew all the money instead of starting an emergency fund.
NTA- your money you saved it and can spend it on what you want – how is your new tat disrespectful – what did she want you to spend it on a shrine to your ex? I hope you got good whiskey and good cigars. ENJOY !!
NTA It was your money, but if you are living paycheck to paycheck perhaps a better choice would be to create a rainy day fund instead of a tattoo and alcohol.
Tattoos should be earned not used to increase personal image and appearance. Too many people get sleeves and act completely out of context. It’s just a sleeve of ink doesn’t make you an mma fighter or ex con lol
Will you ever entertain the idea of your ex and you getting back together?
NTA. Who is she to judge what you do with your money. You’re not even in a relationship with her.
NTA. Sounds like she wanted to slide straight into marriage territory with you and already felt that money should be spent on her.
NTA, you spent your time and effort on a relationship and your ex just broke up with you “out of the blue”, it proves she also never cared about the relationship or you. Why should you continue to care?
This Dee girl is being weird. Spend sometime alone for a bit and enjoy your own money.
Why does the second woman have to have a say on what you do with ~ Your ~ money? Is she a financial advisor, hmmm?
i’m going with NTA. That was your money that you saved. Her reaction was weird and I wouldn’t have cared how you spent your money if we were just chilling, getting drinks at the bar. Dee seems too entitled to your money so looks like you dodged a bullet anyway. Also, I would recommend you just say single for a minute. Don’t rush into anything at the moment
NTA as long as your bills are paid and you are eating good, it’s up to you how you spend your money! To me, a new tattoo always sounds good. My fiancé spent £28 on my engagement ring and I bloody love it, find yourself someone who is more bothered about the relationship than about how much the ring costs!
If you are able to save and budget for discretionary items like fancy dinners and concerts, you are not living pay check to pay check.
NTA. Spend you money how you want. Dee sounds quite immature.
NTA – What a crazy thing for her to say. Good on you for using that money in a way that made you happy.
NTA, was she expecting you to spend that money on a ring for her??
Female here.. You are NTA! This is so comical to me. It’s not her money, it’s not my money, it’s not your ex’s money, do with it whatever the heck you want! High fives for a little self care. Tattoos are always great therapy if you ask me. Cheers!
You dodged two bullets back to back dude. Good job.
Nah
She is seeing this as being irresponsible with finances
However it is your money to choose how to spend
NTA. Spending it on yourself is wasteful and disrespectful of your former relationship, and it means you never cared? Huh? I’m not even going to try to rationalize her mental gymnastics to arrive at that conclusion. I’m glad you are doing things for you. Hopefully, that will include blocking Dee and taking time to navigate your new normal.
NTA – but she is. I can see her actions as one of two ways, she was either hoping you would be depressed & desperate to fill that romantic void. Then in a fit of ‘fuck it’ sap, you would spend that money on her, maybe a getaway trip, destination cruise, fancy dinners. The specifics are not relevant, the idea is to get bystander benefits from your grief. The second possibility, which only works if Dee & ex know each other, is that Dee was a covert operative sent to report back on you. The only reason I think this is the weird allyship she had for your ex.
It’s weird that she walked out. It’s weird that she passed judgement. It’s weird that she felt entitled to. I hope she stretched before jumping to those wild conclusions.
Dee is fucking stupid
NTA. Mate, the proper reply to her comment about wasting money meant for something beautiful should have been “you don’t think my ink makes me beautiful?”
Go buy a fruity cocktail that you would have got for Dee, then drink it yourself. So called “girly drinks” taste amazing, I’d recommend a fruit tingle if they have them. Turn your tongue purple and have fun!
NTA
Dee was wrong to think that spending the money on something that is valuable to you (your new tattoo) is somehow “disrespectful”.
If anything — it is a great symbol of you moving on.
You did spend it on something beautiful, the sleeve you wanted for yourself. The money is yours, your relationship is over – was the money supposed to sit there for eternity? NTA.
I got a racecar for my wife. It was a great trade. But seriously, as soon as I got divorced, I bought a new racecar. It’s your money to do with it as you please.
How is it disrespectful to spend the money you’d saved for a ring for the woman who broke up with you!?!? What, were you supposed to use that money to create a shrine for the everlasting love that wasn’t?!?! Sweet God above, deliver me from young’uns. Dude. Totally NTA.
NTA and I’m baffled.
“That money was for something beautiful and you wasted it”? Like what? If she meant the ring itself, tattoos are beautiful too. If she meant the sentiment, the sentiment died when the breakup happened. I would feel odd if a partner held onto money saved for a ring for a specific person to use on me later, which seems the implication. This wasn’t a case of “I’ve always wanted to get married and I’ve been squirreling away money for a ring, for when I find the one, since I started working,” and then spent it when you split. This was earmarked for something that never came to pass.
NTA. This is a super weird take and a major red flag. Be glad she showed it SUPER early.
NTA dude…she’s got her own big issues
NTA!! even if you had already bought the ring and the returned it or sold it and spent the money on your tat you would not be! It’s your money to spend how you wish.
NTA these women waltzed in and out of your life but your ink is there to stay. And what gives this other woman the right to dictate how you spend money was she hoping to cozy up to you and have you spend it on her?