AITA for spending one night a week with my family and my cat who has cancer?

r/

I need to know if I’m in the wrong because I’m just so confused.

My childhood cat got diagnosed with cancer, so she is staying with my mom to be in a stress-free environment with no other animals (we have 3 cats aside from her). I go and visit once a week on Sunday nights and come back Monday afternoon or evening. My fiancee hates it when I go and spend time with my family and cat.

He spends time with his friends every day for 3-5 hours each time, and I don’t get to see my friends so the only time I hang out with anyone is when I see my family once a week.

My fiancee says it destroys his mental health every time I am gone, and I told him I need to see other people than just him because we both need space and he sees his friends and talks to them every day and its not like I am going to a bar or a club I am spending time at my mom’s home to be with my cat who has cancer.

I’m just wondering if I’m in the wrong and see if its bad for me to visit my family once a week since my fiancee says it destroys his mental health. AITA for visiting my family once a week?

Comments

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    I need to know if I’m in the wrong because I’m just so confused.

    My childhood cat got diagnosed with cancer, so she is staying with my mom to be in a stress-free environment with no other animals (we have 3 cats aside from her). I go and visit once a week on Sunday nights and come back Monday afternoon or evening. My fiancee hates it when I go and spend time with my family and cat.

    He spends time with his friends every day for 3-5 hours each time, and I don’t get to see my friends so the only time I hang out with anyone is when I see my family once a week.

    My fiancee says it destroys his mental health every time I am gone, and I told him I need to see other people than just him because we both need space and he sees his friends and talks to them every day and its not like I am going to a bar or a club I am spending time at my mom’s home to be with my cat who has cancer.

    I’m just wondering if I’m in the wrong and see if its bad for me to visit my family once a week since my fiancee says it destroys his mental health. AITA for visiting my family once a week?

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    > Im wondering if ITA for going to see my family once a week despite my fiancee telling me its destroying his mental health

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  3. PushPopNostalgia Avatar

    NTA. He has issues if he can’t handle a single night alone. 

  4. pottersquash Avatar

    It destroys his mental health for you to spend one night with your family?

    Then he should be in in-patient care.

  5. Vivid_Morning_8282 Avatar

    NTA: Your fiancée needs some help if he can’t spend a day a week without you. This is a very important time period between you, your cat, and your family. There is also nothing wrong with you wanting to go to the bar or club whenever you like.

  6. Anhysbys123 Avatar

    How old are you both? He sounds like a teenage boy in his first relationship. He’s distancing you away from family and friends to control you. If he’s worth it, get him to see that it’s good to have different friends and interests and keeps the relationship healthy. My husband and I have been together 25 years and regularly spend time together and apart with different friends. It’s normal. If this is just the tip of the iceberg for controlling behaviour, then cut your losses and leave while you can.

  7. Leshunen Avatar

    NTA. Why don’t you see your friends? Does he complain about it to the point that you are staying home to avoid his behavior?
    Because from this short post it sounds like he’s trying to isolate you and he has no compassion for your situation. 

  8. ScarletNotThatOne Avatar

    NTA. If you being away for a day destroys your fiance’s mental health, the solution is not for you never to go anywhere. The solution is for your fiance to work on his mental health so that he can better handle this very normal type of challenge.

  9. Ok_Needleworker_2424 Avatar

    NTA but that’s controlling, potentially manipulative behavior. I’d take a good hard look at the relationship and make sure there aren’t other concerning red flags. 

  10. Spare_Ad5009 Avatar

    NTA, but your boyfriend sure is. He is trying to control you and isolate you. You can tell him it’s bad for YOUR mental health not to see other people. But really, break off the engagement. Do you want to bring up children with him as the father, isolating everyone and trying to control them because of his mental health?

  11. adventuresofViolet Avatar

    NTA, he’s responsible for his own mental health. 

  12. RexxTxx Avatar

    “My fiancee says it destroys his mental health every time I am gone”

    Are you ready for 40 or 50 years of him having his mental health destroyed when you go on a work trip, visit family, have a girls’ day out or whatever? Are you ready for that card to be played…A LOT?

  13. RedgurlB Avatar

    nta. your husband clearly has some underlying issues

  14. Huldukona Avatar

    NTA He spends hours with his friends every day, yet, when you go visit your mum once a week “it destroys his mental health”… I call BS on that, to me he sounds both controlling and manipulative.

  15. MrsChickenPam Avatar

    This is a huge red flag and a possible indication that your fiancee is trying to isolate you from friends and family. NTA and be VERY aware of this type of behavior and don’t let it continue.

  16. Turbulent_Cow2355 Avatar

    NTA

    Your fiancé is insecure and controlling. His behavior is not healthy. You should be able to spend time with your family and with your friends. Your fiance should not get angry at this. Red flags!! Big red flags.

  17. QuaintQuantumQuasar Avatar

    NTA
    Your boyfriend needs help, it’s not healthy to be “destroyed mentally” when your partner is gone for a day..

  18. LowJeansHighHopes Avatar

    NTA. 

    When I got into my relationship with Sam, it started out very similar to this. There would be a little remarks about how much time I’m spending with family or that I’m doing something that is affecting their mental health.

    That relationship turned out to be the most mentally abusive relationship I’ve ever been in. And I really hope you will break up with this person over this. There’s no reason for you not to be able to spend one day with your family a week. You don’t have kids, you don’t have a job you’re putting off. If he can spend three hours a day with his friends, you should be allowed to spend time with your family.

    And it is really concerning that you don’t have friends. Really really concerning. This relationship sounds Hella controlling and please do not marry this person.

  19. South_Plenty5078 Avatar

    NTA. Think long and hard before you marry this man.

  20. Frosty-Objective-751 Avatar

    NTA and he is emotionally abusive and controlling. You don’t get to see your friends why exactly?

  21. totallyworkinghere Avatar

    NTA. His mental health is not your responsibility.

    I’m guessing he makes his feelings into your problem a lot.

  22. gimmeluvin Avatar

    your relationship sounds unhealthy. you should not marry a person who does not allow you time to be away from them. if you think it’s bad now, just wait.

  23. ReminiscenceOf2020 Avatar

    Make sure to spend the next 10 years with him, while he slowly separates you from all your friends and family, gets you pregnant, and then has an idea that you should stay at home while he becomes your only source of income.

    Only then should you think about leaving.

    Sorry for the obvious sarcasm, but I can’t wrap my head around this. If my bf told me it destroys his mental health to be one day without me, I think I would laugh for a solid 10 min and start packing my bags. The best case scenario would be an ultimatum that he needs therapy for such a serious issue, and he either starts one next week or drops the bullshit.

    But nah, I’d leave that same day…it’s not even funny as a joke.

  24. KCarriere Avatar

    Your boyfriend needs a therapist and you need to leave him and go get your friends back. The ones he’s been isolating you from.

    You’re an idiot if you don’t heed this giant red flag that says TURN BACK.

  25. MadamUnicornOfDoom Avatar

    Nta. You spend as much time as you can with your beloved pet.

  26. atomic_golfcart Avatar

    I know it’s a running joke that everyone on AITA jumps straight to breaking up, but in this case I feel absolutely comfortable telling you to pack up a bag next time you go to visit your family and never come back again.

    This is an abusive relationship, and could potentially escalate once he’s successfully cut you off from everyone who cares about you. Get the hell out now.

  27. beneficialmirror13 Avatar

    Nta, he needs to check his dependency and control. It’s perfectly normal and acceptable for you to go visit and even stay overnight with your family and sick cat.

    I’d bet there are other reg flags for this guy.

  28. _foreignfckdoll Avatar

    NTA. You are not in the wrong and it doesn’t seem like you spend enough time with your family in relation to how much time he is spending with his friends. I think he is being a little bit of a narcissist and hypocrite. I highly recommend you guys work out these issues before you proceed with the marriage.

  29. 13catlady13 Avatar

    I really think you should re-read your post and consider how many red flags there are. This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship and instead sounds like he’s gas lighting you so he can control your life. He should be supporting you during this time. A pet is part of the family and losing them is hard.

    NTA! Spend as much time with your kitty as you can! Because when they pass over the rainbow you’ll always wish you had more time.

  30. EntranceOld9706 Avatar

    Cats over fiancés imho !! I have a couple cats who have been around before my husband, and I tell him they’ll be around after him, too, if he doesn’t respect how they are members of the family.

  31. Vast-Fortune-1583 Avatar

    NTA: He needs to be your ex-boyfriend. Seriously.

    You are not responsible for his “mental health”. He is isolating you from your friends? You aren’t allowed to spend time with your friends?

    This is abusive and controlling. Please get away from him.

  32. nylanderfan Avatar

    NTA. Sounds like controlling behaviour.

  33. SummerHill2130 Avatar

    How is it fair that he spends time with his friends? What a jerk!

    Im so sorry about your cat. Give her a cuddle for me.

  34. SunshineShoulders87 Avatar

    NTA. How does it destroy his mental health when you’re gone when (1) he knows where you are, (2) he knows why you’re there, and (3) he is gone 3-5 hours seeing his friends every day? Explain it to me like he’s not controlling and trying to isolate you.

    Clearly he doesn’t care about spending every second together as he’s gone so long all the time, so why is this such an issue for him?

    Y’all aren’t married yet and this isn’t a good sign.

  35. Globie92 Avatar

    Grow a pair and tell this guy to kick rocks

  36. Weary-Marketing9158 Avatar

    Your fiance is trying to control you. There’s no way you spending 1 day a week with your family is “destroying” anything. And his mental health isn’t even your responsibility. Be careful with how you proceed OP

  37. Kind-Exchange5325 Avatar

    You honestly should be going to visit her more

  38. OkManufacturer767 Avatar

    He isolated you from your friends.

    He guilt trips you about caring for a dying pet.

    He does what he wants with his time.

    Emotional abuse looks like this. 

    How do you feel? Do you want to live the rest of your life like this? Next step will be sabotaging the relationship with the family.

    Run and don’t look back.

  39. nadiadala Avatar

    NTA
    🚩🚩🚩 This is the start of something that will become domestic abuse.
    You two being apart for one night, especially to be with your family is not supposed to be negative, it’s a healthy relationship.

    I’ve been with my man 21 years, he goes on trips with friends or family, I go away for a weekend. He even sent me on a holiday with his mom once in Mexico, girls trip, one of my fondest memories.

    You spend a day or two appart and you are very happy to sleep next to one another again, this is what it should be for you

  40. maricopa888 Avatar

    NTA, but if this is a serious question, I think you have some problems. Why would it even cross your mind that you’re the A-hole? Your “fiance” sounds like an insensitive jerk who’s also a hypocrite. Sane people don’t generally get engaged to people like this!

  41. immadriftersbody Avatar

    NTA, but honey this sounds like he’s manipulating you and trying to isolate you. You need to sit him down and explain to him this is not okay, and either he gets over it and learns to cope with you having a life outside of him, or you need to leave him if you value yourself and spending time with others outside him and yourself. It’s not okay how he’s acting.

  42. Capital-Cheesecake67 Avatar

    NTA. OP I would caution against remaining with someone who seems to want to stop your one chance a week of connecting with your friends and family. That’s the first step to isolating and controlling you.

  43. IndigoInsightx Avatar

    NTA. You’re doing something good and loving, and you’re not neglecting your relationship. If your fiancé cannot respect that, it might be time to think seriously about whether this relationship is supportive of your needs and emotional health.

  44. ZKH15 Avatar

    NTA

    You’re visiting your dying cat and seeing your family once a week. That’s not excessive. That’s healthy.

    Your fiancé spends hours with his friends daily, but can’t handle you being gone one night a week? That’s not about your cat. That’s about control.

    It’s okay to support your partner, but not at the cost of isolating yourself. You’re allowed to have space and connections outside the relationship.

  45. ScarlettCherriesx Avatar

    Definitely NTA. I mean it’s once a week PLUS it’s your family and the cat you grew up with? Maybe he should be your ex…

  46. SomeoneYouDontKnow70 Avatar

    NTA. If your fiancé’s mental health demands your imprisonment, then you need a new fiancé. Don’t be a prisoner. Always value your own mental health above anyone else’s.

  47. IllTemperedOldWoman Avatar

    This is the start of ultra-controlling behavior, where he is allowed freedom but you aren’t, and you are also somehow responsible for his emotions. Also it’s clear he is isolating you from any support or family. NTA and STAY at your mom’s.

  48. jolandaluna Avatar

    Your cat is giving you one last, invaluable gift. She’s showing you who the person by your side is. Please believe her. She’s a very good kitty.
    I’m so sorry she’s sick, but sure as hell she’s fighting for you both. Much love op.
    NTA

  49. Calculated_Mischief Avatar

    Destroys his mental health how?? I’m sorry if my fiance was losing a childhood pet I would tell them to spend MORE time with said cat in that stress free environment.
    And this is without addressing that he is actively isolating you from the world. I’m wising your cat as little pain as possible, and may this event give you a new perspective on who your fiance really is

  50. QuestionMaker207 Avatar

    NTA.

    You need to have a serious conversation with him. If he keeps trying to keep you from visiting your family, that’s grounds for a breakup.

  51. forestfrend1 Avatar

    NTA if you told me you had kids together and you were leaving this frequently for overnights for a cat… I’d have an issue with it. But that’s not the case here.

    If you are never allowed to spend time with your family or friends because it upsets him, this is a HUGE problem. He’s isolating you and making you feel responsible for his mental health.

    This is not an equality issue of him taking time to see his friends and you not. This is about him controlling your access to people other than him.

    Do not marry this man. Do not have kids with this man. Marriage and/or kids is not going to solve this problem, it will make it exponentially worse.

  52. Maleficent_Button_58 Avatar

    Uh…. people are allowed to spend time by themselves, with family, with friends, with their kids, with their partners, with their pets, or with whoever they want.

    He’s the ahole for not wanting to let you control your time and for not being understanding about your pet being toward the end of its life.

  53. BigDeloresInYoFace Avatar

    Do. NOT. Marry. Him. 🚩

  54. Crazyandiloveit Avatar

    NTA.

    And he’s emotionally manipulating you (how on earth is it bad for his mental health if you spend time with your family? Maybe he shouldn’t be in a relationship if he’s got a problem with that). And he is trying to keep you away from your family. Massive red flag tbh. Keep seeing your family (and your cat), you have every right to see them as often and as long as you want to.

  55. self-thot Avatar

    Do NOT marry this man

  56. CandylandCanada Avatar

    NTA

    You fiancé claims that *you* destroy *his* mental health when you do things without him, such as care for a dying pet and spend time with family. You should be concerned about marrying someone this needy and manipulative. We are all responsible for our own MH issues.

    What would you say if a friend told you that they were engaged to someone who speaks this way to them?

  57. sageberrytree Avatar

    His insecurities and ‘mental health’ issues are his to manage. Not to use as a club to blugeon you with them, keeping you from family and friends.

    OP it’s HIGH time you start seeing friends and family again. Its will past it.

    Make plans, tell him you are going. If he starts the manipulation, point out that he needs to manage this on his own, and that he should seek support.

    His response/reaction will tell you everything.

    I’m so very sorry about your cat. I think perhaps her illness helps to illuminate this glaring problem in your relationship.

  58. LiveKindly01 Avatar

    What is his response when you say that? There is no way he can logically explain how HE gets to see friends but he doesnt’ want you to do the same?

    Sorry but red flag on the controlling and manipulative behaviour.

    Honestly, it doesn’t get better.

  59. BeLikeEph43132 Avatar

    GTFO of your situation with the fiancee.

    This is me, waving a HUGE red flag directly in front of you.

  60. swillshop Avatar

    OP,

    You have everyone here telling you

    1. You are NTA for wanting to spend a night a week at your parents’ home to be with your cat suffering from cancer, that you have had from childhood.

    2. And that we are all concerned that you are under the thumb of and planning to marry a very controlling person who is isolating you.

    Have your parents shared any concerns about your fiance with you? Have your friends shared similar concerns?

    Does the fact that so many people see big red flags in your relationship? Have you considering whether you should get out of this relationship, or do you feel more determined to stay with your fiancé?

    Do you believe (or even just wonder if) your fiancé has a right to tell you who you can and cannot see, when you can and cannot see them, and that what he wants or expects from you takes priority over what you may want for yourself?

    Has he told you that you will never find anyone else who will love you and take care of you the way he does? Have you considered the possibility that you are better off without the way your fiancé ‘ loves and cares about you’? And that having someone love and care about, you shouldn’t come at the cost of your own identity or control of your own life?

  61. Ontas Avatar

    NTA, and your fiancee is a walking red flag, if you being gone for not even a day per week “destroys his mental health” then he isn’t fit for life, a relationship shouldn’t be about being attached to the hip 24/7 and even less about isolating and controlling your partner. I think it’s time for you to think about where this is going and look back at other red flags you’ve been ignoring til now.

  62. Throwway_queer Avatar

    That’s ✨emotional abuse✨

    Does he expect you wipe his ass because “It destroys his mental health when your gone”?

  63. Robbibaby Avatar

    Sounds like you are dating a beta male…his mental effing health is being affected???? Dang i hope he never has to experience real hardship…he may not survive. Hit the eject button…find a real man that understands your need to spend time with your dying cat.

    On another note, being with her normal cat friends may be more comforting than being alone…just a thought

  64. No_Educator5462 Avatar

    🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

  65. TheVue221 Avatar

    NTA. Your fiancé isn’t destroyed by you being gone. This is manipulative and an action of control. You being gone for less than 24 hours one day a week is no big deal, (meanwhile he’s busy with friends for 21-35 hours a week). He’s responsible for managing his own mental health.

    It is normal for a person to spend time with their family. And in this case, your cat that you own as well.

    Don’t be confused. Draw a line in the sand and tell him you will continue to see your family and it’s not up for discussion. If he brings up his “mental health”, tell him that he himself needs to manage that and go get some professional help if he needs to (call his bluff). If this is just a small fraction of what you actually go through with him, please think long and hard about the relationship before marriage

  66. HankThrill69420 Avatar

    NTA, please reconsider your engagement

    had counseling before my wedding which boiled down to an opportunity to air anything like this. It ended up being a whole bunch of “i’m wracking my brain here and can’t think of anything” for us, but, it’s obviously common enough of a practice to have necessity behind it

  67. Inevitable-Place9950 Avatar

    NTA and based on your comments and this story, you know you need to leave this man. His actions and health are his responsibility. You do not have to stay and be isolated from your friends to keep him safe.

  68. IntelligentDot4794 Avatar

    If it destroys his mental health for you to be away from him visiting your family 1 night a week then he has problems and this is a very unhealthy relationship.

  69. prw8201 Avatar

    NTA red flags from boyfriend though.

  70. FairyCompetent Avatar

    NTA. He doesn’t want you to spend time with people who care about you because then you’ll realize he doesn’t actually care about you. 

  71. tsaotsit Avatar

    Your fiance is extremely insecure and being unthoughtful. Your absence for one day should not “destroy his mental health.” Maybe he can get better with therapy, but be very aware that this is abnormal and unjustified behavior.

  72. entirelyintrigued Avatar

    Imma be honest, that man would no longer be my fiancé and I would just not come back one Sunday. He sounds controlling and dangerous, and the fact that you’re questioning whether you’re in the wrong means he’s already got his claws in your brain. NTA unless you stay with him.

  73. RoyalOtherwise950 Avatar

    NTA – he’s emotionally abusive and controlling. The fact he made you cut out your friends and moved you to a different city is his way of isolating you from anyone who might help you. Especially if he turns violent. He trying to trap you with him. Next time you go to your mums, don’t go back. Get out and stay safe.

  74. shikakaaaaaaa Avatar

    Here on this earth exists a number of people who do not want you to spend time with your sick cat and your family and you are choosing to marry one of them?

  75. charlesout2sea66 Avatar

    Destroys his mental health? What does that mean? You leave for a day and he can’t live his life?

  76. nemo4now Avatar

    That’s really selfish of your boyfriend. And unhealthy to be that clingy. Dude one day a week visiting your family even if you cat didn’t have cancer is perfectly normal!

  77. junkdrawertales Avatar

    NTA. You should be able to spend time with your family and your cat. Your boyfriend sounds seriously ill, and you can’t hold up his mental health indefinitely. Talk to him about finding another caregiver, relative, or therapy program he can rely on until his issues are less severe. 

  78. panic_bread Avatar

    This man is manipulative and doesn’t care about you. Do not marry him. NTA

  79. Quiet_Compote4651 Avatar

    I’d say this is a bad sign in your relationship. Dude needs therapy.

  80. RainInTheWoods Avatar

    NTA. Are you sure the cat wants to be away from its home.

    >>fiancee

    Are you planning to have children with him in the future? If he whines when you’re not available to him for 24 hours and offers you no equal support, what’s going to happen to you when you have to care for kids as well as this boy in a man’s clothing?

  81. Working_Cloud_909 Avatar

    He sounds controlling and clingy.

  82. Punkrockpm Avatar

    The fuck?

    DTMFA

  83. opelan Avatar

    NTA and do you really want to marry this guy?

    >My fiancee says it destroys his mental health every time I am gone

    This just sounds so manipulative. He doesn’t want you to do anything without him. And that while he sees his friends every day for 3-5 hours, which is really a lot, like I am surprised that he has time for this.

  84. OldEnuff2No Avatar

    Goodbye fiancé. If it’s that bad what is he going to do when something really bad happens and you need to care for someone in your family, for example?

  85. Numb3r3dDays Avatar

    Nta… this dude is bad news. I recommend getting away from him on a more permanent basis.

  86. Lolzize Avatar

    Clearly NTA.

    Your fiancee is trying to suck you in while doing whatever he wants too. He’s taking much more than he’s giving you. I think this is very toxic behavior from him because he’s isolating you from everyone else you care about.

    I know this is harsh, especially because you’ve invested so much into this relationship, but if prevents you from seeing the people you care abour, he’s not the one.

  87. Existing-Zucchini-65 Avatar

    Oh my god.

    Every comment from people telling you this dude is terrible, you reply with other examples of how he’s terrible.

    This is in no way a healthy relationship, and it will not get better.

  88. SilverDryad Avatar

    Your finance is trying to isolate you from your support system. Their lack of empathy for your pain is a huge red flag. Their claim that any time you spend away from them, with your friends and family, is manipulation. Your finance needs a whole lot of therapy. You need a better relationship.