My best friend and I are both 18 and seniors in high school. We graduate in May.
Her boyfriend is 19 and a freshman in college. They’ve been together for two years, since he was still in high school. I go to a different school, so I don’t know him that well. I have no issues with him, but I’m not close to him either. Thankfully, she doesn’t make me hang out with them all the time. It’s awkward being the third wheel—they’re super into PDA and touching, and it’s just uncomfortable.
I know they have sex. she lost her virginity to him. I know she’s genuinely in love with him, and he seems to feel the same. They’re cute, even if they’re a little over-the-top for me.
Back in February, she told me they planned to get married right after graduation. They picked a date and wanted to do it secretly at the courthouse without telling anyone. I know they’re obsessed with each other, but I thought it was a terrible idea. He has a part-time job, but not enough to support both of them. She’s never had a job. She’s going to college in the fall—same school as him, which surprised me. We had always planned to go somewhere together, but she didn’t even tell me she applied. I found out from her mom.
I’m not trying to break them up. I just think rushing into marriage is a huge mistake. She still lives in a bedroom decorated like she’s 10. She told me she wants to have a baby in college, even said it’d be “cute” to walk across the stage pregnant. I don’t think she’s thinking clearly.
I ended up telling my mom, and she called my best friend’s mom right away. Then I had to get on the phone and explain everything. At first, I felt kind of relieved.
Her mom was furious. She told my friend she’d never allow the marriage. Later, I learned she went off on her. Her mom is a good person, but she’s very blunt. I can see her reacting harshly, and my best friend is super sensitive. Her mom told her she couldn’t see her boyfriend anymore, said she was throwing her life away, and even accused the boyfriend of brainwashing her.
Now my best friend hates me. She’s not speaking to me. She said I ruined her life and that I’m just jealous because I’ve never had a boyfriend. That part stung. It’s true I’ve never had one. Guys have asked me out, just not anyone I’m into. Sometimes I do wonder what it’d be like to have what she has, but I don’t think I’m really jealous. I didn’t do this out of jealousy. I wasn’t trying to hurt her.
I feel like I might be the asshole because I failed her as a best friend. Maybe I should’ve just supported her even if I didn’t agree. She’s legally an adult now & she can make her own choices. I could’ve kept my opinion to myself and just shown up for her. Instead, I blew up her plans and now I’ve lost her. I basically made all of her happiness get taken away.
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My best friend and I are both 18 and seniors in high school. We graduate in May.
Her boyfriend is 19 and a freshman in college. They’ve been together for two years, since he was still in high school. I go to a different school, so I don’t know him that well. I have no issues with him, but I’m not close to him either. Thankfully, she doesn’t make me hang out with them all the time. It’s awkward being the third wheel—they’re super into PDA and touching, and it’s just uncomfortable.
I know they have sex. she lost her virginity to him. I know she’s genuinely in love with him, and he seems to feel the same. They’re cute, even if they’re a little over-the-top for me.
Back in February, she told me they planned to get married right after graduation. They picked a date and wanted to do it secretly at the courthouse without telling anyone. I know they’re obsessed with each other, but I thought it was a terrible idea. He has a part-time job, but not enough to support both of them. She’s never had a job. She’s going to college in the fall—same school as him, which surprised me. We had always planned to go somewhere together, but she didn’t even tell me she applied. I found out from her mom.
I’m not trying to break them up. I just think rushing into marriage is a huge mistake. She still lives in a bedroom decorated like she’s 10. She told me she wants to have a baby in college, even said it’d be “cute” to walk across the stage pregnant. I don’t think she’s thinking clearly.
I ended up telling my mom, and she called my best friend’s mom right away. Then I had to get on the phone and explain everything. At first, I felt kind of relieved.
Her mom was furious. She told my friend she’d never allow the marriage. Later, I learned she went off on her. Her mom is a good person, but she’s very blunt. I can see her reacting harshly, and my best friend is super sensitive. Her mom told her she couldn’t see her boyfriend anymore, said she was throwing her life away, and even accused the boyfriend of brainwashing her.
Now my best friend hates me. She’s not speaking to me. She said I ruined her life and that I’m just jealous because I’ve never had a boyfriend. That part stung. It’s true I’ve never had one. Guys have asked me out, just not anyone I’m into. Sometimes I do wonder what it’d be like to have what she has, but I don’t think I’m really jealous. I didn’t do this out of jealousy. I wasn’t trying to hurt her.
I feel like I might be the asshole because I failed her as a best friend. Maybe I should’ve just supported her even if I didn’t agree. She’s legally an adult now & she can make her own choices. I could’ve kept my opinion to myself and just shown up for her. Instead, I blew up her plans and now I’ve lost her. I basically made all of her happiness get taken away.
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> My best friend and I are both 18 and seniors in high school. We graduate in May.
Her boyfriend is 19 and a freshman in college. They’ve been together for two years, since he was still in high school. I go to a different school, so I don’t know him that well. I have no issues with him, but I’m not close to him either. Thankfully, she doesn’t make me hang out with them all the time. It’s awkward being the third wheel—they’re super into PDA and touching, and it’s just uncomfortable.
I know they have sex. she lost her virginity to him. I know she’s genuinely in love with him, and he seems to feel the same. They’re cute, even if they’re a little over-the-top for me.
Back in February, she told me they planned to get married right after graduation. They picked a date and wanted to do it secretly at the courthouse without telling anyone. I know they’re obsessed with each other, but I thought it was a terrible idea. He has a part-time job, but not enough to support both of them. She’s never had a job. She’s going to college in the fall—same school as him, which surprised me. We had always planned to go somewhere together, but she didn’t even tell me she applied. I found out from her mom.
I’m not trying to break them up. I just think rushing into marriage is a huge mistake. She still lives in a bedroom decorated like she’s 10. She told me she wants to have a baby in college, even said it’d be “cute” to walk across the stage pregnant. I don’t think she’s thinking clearly.
I ended up telling my mom, and she called my best friend’s mom right away. Then I had to get on the phone and explain everything. At first, I felt kind of relieved.
Her mom was furious. She told my friend she’d never allow the marriage. Later, I learned she went off on her. Her mom is a good person, but she’s very blunt. I can see her reacting harshly, and my best friend is super sensitive. Her mom told her she couldn’t see her boyfriend anymore, said she was throwing her life away, and even accused the boyfriend of brainwashing her.
Now my best friend hates me. She’s not speaking to me. She said I ruined her life and that I’m just jealous because I’ve never had a boyfriend. That part stung. It’s true I’ve never had one. Guys have asked me out, just not anyone I’m into. Sometimes I do wonder what it’d be like to have what she has, but I don’t think I’m really jealous. I didn’t do this out of jealousy. I wasn’t trying to hurt her.
I feel like I might be the asshole because I failed her as a best friend. Maybe I should’ve just supported her even if I didn’t agree. She’s legally an adult now & she can make her own choices. I could’ve kept my opinion to myself, not told anyone about her plans, and just shown up for her. Instead, I blew up her plans and now I’ve lost her. I basically made all of her happiness get taken away.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
ESH.
I get where you’re coming from because, yes, your friend was about to throw her life away for a fairytale. However, she is 18 and it is her life. As a legal adult, she can make those decisions.
You’ve likely lost her as a friend so I would mourn the end of that relationship and move on. Personally, I think you did the right thing, but if I had been your friend, I would have been livid at what you did.
YTA. Your line of thinking, as far as it all being a terrible idea, is certainly not wrong at all. Unfortunately though, it’s her life to ruin. You may have saved her from this stupid mistake, but if that’s the kind of person she is then it’s just going to happen again in a different, possibly worse way.
Soft YTA because you broke trust, but in your shoes I probably would have done the same. But you do have to live with your choices now. It’s likely that once she goes to school (if her mom even lets her) that they can get married whenever they want the moment they’re alone. At the end of the day is it a bad choice? Probably. But it’s her life and once she graduates she’s under no one’s control. If it is a bad decision she will have to live with that too. You can’t control people’s decisions. When you go to school you will find a new group of friends and so if she cuts ties with you you’ll have new adventures to look forward to. You tried looking out for her in the best way you could at the time. Sometimes there’s no right answer and things just suck.
Nta. You were right to bring your concerns to your mom, and you were right to be worried about your friend. Her mom might have gone a bit harsh but I don’t think you could predict that. I’m sorry your friend is mad at you though.
NTA
You did not fail her. If you knew she intended to drive drunk, she wants to drive drunk, she fully believes she’s a better driver drunk and she’ll be perfectly safe and she’ll have so much fun doing it; there’s a chance she’d be fine. There’s a much greater chance she could get really hurt and do irreparable damage to herself or worse. It would not be failing her to stop her from doing so.
Supporting a friend isn’t doing whatever they want or letting them make poor choices. That’s enabling. Sometimes support is holding a friend accountable or protecting them from themselves; even if they don’t appreciate it.
>I basically made all of her happiness get taken away.
You really didn’t. You stepped in when her addiction to her relationship was taking a really bad turn. I promise you there is a lot more happiness to be found in going through your early 20s and college without also being pregnant and raising a child.
If they’re so in love that it’s inevitable they’ll get married and have kids, that’ll still be the case in 5 years. The fact they’re trying to rush down the isle is usually indicative that some part of them knows the relationship won’t work out unless the bind themselves in legal chains of matrimony and kids.
Not to mention, she should not be a mom if she’s willing to sacrifice opportunities to build a better life for her hypothetic child through education and building a career…. because she’d miss an opportunity for attention at high school graduation.
Unfortunately, this situation is going to push her even more towards her boyfriend. If you feel so inclined to salvage this or continue to show her care and can still talk to her, she could still benefit from knowing you’re just supporting her the best way you know how and you’ll be there if things don’t work out.
NTA.
When I was 15, my best friend stole a growler of Wild Turkey whiskey from her dad and drank most of it herself. She passed out; I couldn’t wake her up, and she puked while she was out, and I panicked.
I ran home, and told my mom, who called an ambulance. My friend was taken to the hospital, her stomach was pumped, and her parents sent her to a 45-day rehab.
She didn’t speak to me for two years after, and our friendship never recovered.
I do not regret a thing. I’d rather have her be alive and still hating me 25 years later than dead at 15, and I swear by that.
YTA. She’s 18 and her mother legally can’t stop her. All you did was blow up your relationship with her.
YTA. It’s not your business to prevent her life choices. When she’s 18 she’s an adult and just because you don’t agree with them, doesn’t mean you have a right to go and tell her family. Say it to her face or not at all.
YTA i see where you’re coming from but the way you did it was completely wrong i feel they’re better things you could have done then rat them out. I hope things work out well in the end.
YTA but…sometimes we have to be.
NTA. She may be a legal adult but she’s definitely not thinking like one. She needs to hear a voice of reason even if she doesn’t want to. Ultimately it probably won’t change the outcome & when she’s a 19 year old single mother struggling she’ll wish she listened
NTA.
No one can see into the future. You can’t tell if your friendship will survive the next year or if her relationship will last more than a year or two or anything. All you can do is work with the information you have right now and that’s the information that she’s planning on secretly entering into a marriage with someone who has no way of supporting himself or her which means she’s going to have to pick up the slack and that’s a rough start to adulthood in this day and age. The fact that she’s trying to keep it a secret also says she knows that no one is going to support this decision and the two of them have no plans or way to maturely explain their decision making process beyond “I want it and you can’t stop me.”
Yes you may have gone behind her back but sometimes when you see someone you care about making a decision that looks like it’s going to negatively effect them long term, you have to sacrifice your friendship to try and save them from themselves.
Everyone is going to have to live with their choices in the end. If you did what you did out of love for her, I don’t think you’re going to regret it long term.
NTA. Just because someone is an adult in the eyes of the law doesn’t mean they have the common sense to make life impacting choices on their own. It’s one thing to plan to get married as a teen, but once you consciously plan to have a baby, you’re affecting an innocent baby’s life.
While it may hurt to lose a friend, you likely made it more difficult for her to destroy her life. I imagine she won’t be allowed to go to the same college as him. She will either be at home with her parents and it will be much harder for them to have unrestricted time together. A few years from now, they might not feel the same way. Kids change a lot in their ’20s. Hopefully, she’s smartens up and realizes that she needs to do some growing up before she completes marriage and parenthood.
YTA, not for wanting to stop her but for how you went about it.
Unless you left it out you don’t mention even trying to talk to your friend about it. Try to convince her to wait, have talk it out with her family on her own, whatever you could manage.
I know she would likely would have ignored you and then yeah going nuclear and going the Mom route would make sense, but you knew her plans and had time to talk to her about him.
Anyhow, it’s not about what you did so much as you stomped on the friendship without even trying to help her personally first.
NTA. First of all, you didn’t tell her mom, you told YOUR mom. You should be allowed to talk to your own mother about anything.
Second, she’s a legal adult, so her mom can yell at her as much as she wants, but she can’t legally stop your former bestie from seeing her boyfriend or marrying him.
A true friend isn’t an enabler. A true friend speaks their mind and helps their friend, even when that’s tough. Maybe your friend doesn’t appreciate that now, but you at least can rest assured you didn’t do anything wrong.
NTA. If your friend now can’t get married because her mom said so, then she shouldn’t be getting married. If she were really the adult some commenters are calling her, she would be able to do what she wants even though her mom disapproves. Your friend’s plan was foolish to the point of possibly really messing up her life.
Incidentally, I met my now husband when we were both 17yo seniors in high school. We were all over each other constantly, just like your friend and her bf. Three months after we started dating, I told him, “I think I could be happy with you for the rest of my life.” He said, “I think so too.” But we got married SIX YEARS LATER because we had an ounce of sense and caution. We went through a lot in those six years that told us we were actually ready to get married. (Married almost 18 years now.) Waiting was far and away the wiser choice.
Hi friend. If I had married the boy I dated all thru high school my life would be a disaster. He hid his addiction from me for years. Devistatingly, he got me pregnant a month after my 18th birthday, and I suffered a miscarriage roughly 4 months in. Thankfully, he was high when I told him and he said, “I don’t give a f***. You aren’t even on the back burner of my mind.” I dumped him right there and then. He met his current wife a few years later and she gave him the ultimatum. It’s her or the drugs. He’s been sober ever since and they have a beautiful little girl together. I met the absolute love of my life, married him, and now we have a son the same age as my ex’s daughter, actually. If I hadn’t dumped him, he wouldn’t be sober, I would have continued in my depressive spiral, and one of us likely wouldn’t be alive to talk about it. Either him by ODing, or me by depression.
You did her a huge favor by bringing her parents in on the plan. At least now with some space she may come to realize that she was behaving rashly. They may well still end up together. But you gave her the chance to pause and really consider her future. Nta. You did good.
Just want to remind anyone reading that suicide is not the only option. If you are depressed or facing dark thoughts, text or call 988, and a trained specialist can help get you thru it for free. (This is for the USA. Look up your own country’s crisis lines if this doesn’t apply to you.)
NTA you did the right thing! She isn’t mature enough to be in ANY relationship, you were protecting her.
NTA
You’re allowed to talk to your own mother about your own feelings about difficult situations in your life and things that cause you concern.
You didn’t call your friend’s mother. Your mother did. If your friend wants to blame someone for “blowing up” her daft plan to make herself miserable and screw up her life for the next 20 or so years, she can rage at your mom.
Or at her own mom, since that’s who is doing the actual forbidding.
Or at herself and her boyfriend for not being able to support themselves and be independent enough to laugh in the face of anyone who tried forbidding their marriage.
If they aren’t independent enough to buck a forbidding, they aren’t independent enough to be married.
I mean what was their plan? To be a married couple, with her living with her parents until she starts college? And then they’d live where? In separate dorms? Not in their own apartment, not when they can’t afford to get an apartment right now and ignore the dread forbidding. And then they’d each go home to their separate parents’ homes at the holidays and over the summer?
These two planning geniuses were highly unlikely to pull off a secret wedding, and while they may not see it now, it’s best for both of them that they didn’t.
Don’t beat yourself up for not supporting your friend. You did support her, by caring so much about her that you were concerned and needed to seek advice from your mother. Supporting a person doesn’t necessarily mean being okay with every decision they make or going through the motions of pretending to. It can mean caring enough about them to be concerned when they’re about to screw up their lives and also still being around to help pick up the pieces and comfort them when they need it.
Your friend may blame you now, but it’s completely unfair of her to expect you not to confide in your mother when you were concerned. And she may not want your help or comfort right now. But those things should change.
You didn’t prevent them from getting married, and not just in the sense that you, personally, are not the evil forbidder. They can get married in a few months when she leaves for school if they’re still such giant numpties that they want to. And there’s nothing her parents can do to prevent that.
At worst, you delayed their wedding by a few months. If their relationship can’t withstand a few months of waiting, they would never have made a marriage work.
If your friend never comes to her senses and realizes any of that, then it won’t be you who ended your friendship. It will be her.
[Edited for autocorrect errors]
NTA your friend doesn’t realize it yet, but you did her a huge favor. Such a huge favor your friend is delusional absolutely delusional.
Clarification needed: had you ever had a serious conversation about your concerns with your friend before this point?
NTA. You did the right thing. She might be angry about it, but it was for the best.
You’re NTA, and you 100% did the right thing. Your friend is immature and not thinking clearly. Marriage and having children are very serious decisions with permanent consequences, and should not be rushed into. 18 and 19 are way too young for both those things.
NTA. OP, you are a good friend, and you DID support her. Good friends don’t happily go along with it when you do dumb shit. If they did, that’d be enabling. You didn’t take away your friends happiness.
I don’t agree with how her mum acted, but that’s not your fault. You aren’t her mother, you don’t control her actions. You told YOUR mother, which is your right, and a really good thing you did. Your mum made an informed decision to tell her mum. Her mum decided to react the way she did. The chain of events may be linked, but they are not responsible force for the next person’s actions.
This commenters around me have all made good points about your friends relationship with her partner. But I also wanna tell you a little story.
When I was 16, I got into a relationship with a boy a year older, but two grades above me. I loved him, I loved him so much we were an overly codependent pair. He would go on to break up with me, and then get back with me again, then break up with me, and then be in a weird situationship dynamic until I was (almost) 19. During that time, my BEST friend in the entire world and I stopped talking because she told me she didn’t think i should go back to him because of the awful way he was treating me. I let him get in my head, and I prioritised him.
Me and him aren’t together, I’m 22, almost 23, now, in a new relationship with someone my best friend adores and is also friends with, who I live with, and share 5 lovely pets with. We aren’t married, probably won’t consider it for at least another couple years. But I’m happy. And the best part? I see my best friend every weekend, we talk constantly. She is still one of the most precious things in my entire life, who I love with everything in me. We started talking a little after him and I broke up. We both apologised for how we handled things, her for being blunt, not understanding, and at times, kinda rude, about it, and me for being a bad friend who chose a guy over her, who neglected our friendship for a guy that abused me. We both understood, and have not only forgiven each other, but totally see the others side. We were kids, and we were still finding our way. We are even closer than ever now, and I can’t imagine my life without her. My partner and I joke that everyone in our life must think she’s our poly partner. She’s not, but God is she closest thing I’ve come to a soul mate.
I can’t guarantee you’ll cross paths again. Maybe you won’t, and you’ll create new, amazing friends. But there’s also a chance, that when the storm dies down and the clouds clear, you’ll find yourself friends again, and this will be just a moment in your stories.
Please don’t be too harsh on yourself OP, you did what you believed was right, and you did a damn good job
YTA.
You didn’t like that your friend was moving on without you and replacing your plans together with plans with her boyfriend instead
I don’t think you cared about her wellbeing, or did this out of thr goodness of your heart. If that was the case, the conversation would have been with her directly, not her mom.
Your mom also had no business interving in your friends life. Her mom sounds controlling, and I have no doubt in my mind why her daughter is jumping at her chance to escape.
You’ve proven not only to your friend, but to your friend group, that you will stop at no costs to intervene in someone’s life if you’re not on board with their decisions.
NTA. You spoke to a trusted adult and they felt the correct thing to do was inform your best friend’s mother. You handled it perfectly.
Your best friend and her boyfriend may well get married in the future and last forever but a secret marriage suggests that they both know their families don’t agree with their decision.
If you want to try and repair the friendship, you could write a letter explaining your concerns and actions. That is often a better approach than sending a text or calling.
However, as we grow up, we often find that we outgrow certain friendships. It sounds like this might be what is happening here to an extent – you and your friend are maturing in different ways and at different rates, have different goals for the future – it feels terrible now but you will soon be starting a new chapter of your life and meeting people who will be on a similar wavelength to you. It’s sad to lose this friendship, but you will make new friends and many of them will end up closer than this one.