My name is Ray, I’m 23 years old, and recently I’ve been going through some hard times with my dad. Although I love him very much, over the last few years he has been breaking my mom’s and my trust for no reason. He just refuses to work or take a job seriously. He’s been fired from his last four jobs for the same reason: not showing up to work. His last two jobs didn’t even last a year because of that.
While he just sat on the couch all day watching TV or sleeping for days in a row, he made up completely false stories to tell me and my mom. We found out he was lying about the last two dismissals, which made me wonder how many times he’s lied to us before. My mom has been paying the rent, buying food, and covering all the bills by herself. She wakes up at 5 AM and goes to bed around 11 PM to make ends meet. I help as much as I can, but I’m in college and working as an intern, so I don’t earn much.
Last month, he got a new job, and today he did it again. He left the house to catch the bus and came back just a few minutes later. He told my mom that his boss had changed his shift to the night shift, then went straight back to bed. I’m not an idiot, and I don’t trust him anymore. So, I checked his phone and found a message he sent to his boss saying he needed to travel to his hometown to take care of his mother’s inheritance (my grandmother passed away last month).
So, once again, he’s planning to lie in bed all day, eating and sleeping, while my mom works her ass to exhaustion running her beauty salon alone, and I struggle as an intern just to avoid being another financial burden in the house. I don’t think that’s fair.
So I decided to block all his access to everything at home: Netflix, HBO, Prime Video, YouTube. I canceled the cable and changed the Wi-Fi password so only my mom and I can connect. Still, I don’t think that’s enough.
I haven’t told my mom anything yet because I want to talk to him first, man to man, and try to solve this in the best way possible. My mom tends to overreact (not that she’s wrong in this situation) but I want to give him one last chance. If that doesn’t work, I honestly don’t know what I’ll do next.
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My name is Ray, I’m 23 years old, and recently I’ve been going through some hard times with my dad. Although I love him very much, over the last few years he has been breaking my mom’s and my trust for no reason. He just refuses to work or take a job seriously. He’s been fired from his last four jobs for the same reason: not showing up to work. His last two jobs didn’t even last a year because of that.
While he just sat on the couch all day watching TV or sleeping for days in a row, he made up completely false stories to tell me and my mom. We found out he was lying about the last two dismissals, which made me wonder how many times he’s lied to us before. My mom has been paying the rent, buying food, and covering all the bills by herself. She wakes up at 5 AM and goes to bed around 11 PM to make ends meet. I help as much as I can, but I’m in college and working as an intern, so I don’t earn much.
Last month, he got a new job, and today he did it again. He left the house to catch the bus and came back just a few minutes later. He told my mom that his boss had changed his shift to the night shift, then went straight back to bed. I’m not an idiot, and I don’t trust him anymore. So, I checked his phone and found a message he sent to his boss saying he needed to travel to his hometown to take care of his mother’s inheritance (my grandmother passed away last month).
So, once again, he’s planning to lie in bed all day, eating and sleeping, while my mom works her ass to exhaustion running her beauty salon alone, and I struggle as an intern just to avoid being another financial burden in the house. I don’t think that’s fair.
So I decided to block all his access to everything at home: Netflix, HBO, Prime Video, YouTube. I canceled the cable and changed the Wi-Fi password so only my mom and I can connect. Still, I don’t think that’s enough.
I haven’t told my mom anything yet because I want to talk to him first, man to man, and try to solve this in the best way possible. My mom tends to overreact (not that she’s wrong in this situation) but I want to give him one last chance. If that doesn’t work, I honestly don’t know what I’ll do next.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Action I’m being judged for:
I blocked my father’s access to all streaming services and changed the Wi-Fi password so only my mom and I can use it.
Why I might be the asshole:
Even though I feel like I’m protecting my mom and trying to be fair, I took action without talking to him first. It might seem disrespectful or controlling, and I’m worried I may have overstepped by acting before having a proper conversation with him.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Hi Ray, I’m not 23yo, and your dad is an ahole.
NTA
NTA, but your father needs professional help, not the WiFi password changed
Edit: I say he needs help because of the way he’s behaving he may be dealing with some serious depression, or fast dopamine addiction, or both.
Is it possible that your dad is depressed? He may need to see a doctor.
NTA your dad is a total ass. Can he not even help with your mom’s beauty salon? Hell Im sure even answering the phone and booking appointments/cleaning would be a huge help to her
NTA
Your dad has forfeited his right to get any “last chance” from you or your mother. He has repeatedly lied and lost his jobs because he’s bone lazy, obviously, and he doesn’t care very much about the consequences of him not working. The lying about his job losses is the frosting on the cake.
Your mother has been, and is, essentially, a single mother trying to keep it together. You might ask her why she even stays with him after he’s lost the last several jobs he had due to not showing up. I take it she DOES know that, right? If she doesn’t, you should probably tell her what you know so at least she would know what kind of a deadbeat he is. She does deserve to know, because it’s her that’s pulling the full load.
You can talk to your dad, man to man, as you say, but I certainly hope you’re planning on putting much trust in anything he says. He can promise you anything, but the real person is the one who won’t work because he doesn’t want to. And don’t look for him to change just because you are giving him one last chance. Last chances are for people who are trustworthy, and your dad isn’t.
I’m sorry you are dealing with this while in school, and very sorry that your mother is taking the lion’s share of the responsibility for you, and works hard to do so.
Tell your mother as soon as possible, so she isn’t blindsided by his anger. She probably has some idea, because no one could see a spouse lose job after job after job and not realize that the problem is most likely in him and not his bosses, managers, etc. She does need to be told about the subscription blocking and all that.
Please be aware that when your dad finds out he is cut off from his TV, he may go ballistic on you, and/or on your mother. He sounds like the kind of person who would blame her, even if you tell him that you did it yourself. Tell your mother first, so she knows what to expect, and make sure she has a backup plan if she needs it, like a safe place to go if necessary when he finds out.
Sorry Ray but YTA. Your intentions are honorable but these are not your decisions to make. And you haven’t even told your mother? This is all kinds of wrong.
I don’t know, and more importantly YOU don’t know, what’s going on with your dad. If I were your mom I’d be insisting he see a doctor to start with and begin the journey of figuring it out.
What you’re doing accomplishes nothing but punishment. It’s not your place to punish your father. Besides, do you imagine he’s going to go, “wow there’s nothing to do at home, might as well go to work?”
Tell BOTH your parents what you’ve done, apologize, and tell them you all need to find a solution to this problem.
NTA if you’re paying for all of it. Otherwise, this is a discussion to have with your mom before you do it.
He sounds depressed.
Your mother needs to file for divorce ASAP. Although she may know more about what’s going on with your father than she lets on.
Either way NTA, you’re desperate I can tell. However be prepared for him to throw a tantrum.
NTA I’m sorry to inform you that your father is a hobosexual