So a bit of of background. My mom and brother normally visit me from out of state during Christmas; however this year I want to come to my hometown instead. I’d like to of course see them but also visit other family and friends. My mother’s house is extremely small, and either me or my brother will be sleeping on a twin mattress; along with the rooms are very cramped. I would prefer I stay in a hotel, as I want to have more space and would like to decompress after the day.
My mother is calling me selfish and a narcissist for wanting to stay in a hotel room (that I would only be there to sleep in).
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So a bit of of background. My mom and brother normally visit me from out of state during Christmas; however this year I want to come to my hometown instead. I’d like to of course see them but also visit other family and friends. My mothers house is extremely small, and either me and my brother will be sleeping on a twin mattress; along with the rooms are very cramped. I would prefer I stay in a hotel, as I want to have more space and would like to decompress after the day.
My mother is calling me selfish and a narcissist for wanting to stay in a hotel room (that I would only be there to sleep in).
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Nta. I could never understand why parents think their kids not wanting to endure discomfort is an act of selfishness and narcissism.
NTA
You’re not obligated to stay in someone’s home when visiting and I’m genuinely confused on why your mother would say it’s selfish and narcissistic to stay at a hotel instead? It shouldn’t hurt her this much that you want to sleep elsewhere, it’s not like you’re abandoning them and not visiting them.
Wanting a bit of space and privacy isn’t selfish, it’s just being realistic about your comfort and mental health. Sleeping on a cramped twin mattress with your brother in a tiny room for multiple nights isn’t exactly restful, and if you’re paying for the hotel yourself, it’s not like you’re asking her to cover the cost. Some parents take it personally because they see staying in their home as part of “family time,” but you’re still visiting, just not sleeping there. It’s about quality time together, not where your bed is.
NTA. And if your mom is calling you a selfish narcissist over that, I can see why you wouldn’t want to stay with her.
NTA
Tell her she’s selfish and a narcissist for having expectations of you and not being willing to see your side of things. Understandable mom wants all the time she can get, but when she turns it on you and calls you the narcissist, that’s the projection. She wants to have a sort of control over your trip.
I try to visit my younger siblings in their small city every year or so… and I stay in a hotel. They have beautiful, loving cats and dogs… I have allergies. They drink substantially, I have one, or two. They are night owls, I sleep at nine…
Hotel rooms are da bomb.
NTA
NTA at all. At all. Mom needs to let go a bit.
NTA, Your mother is the selfish one here, she expects you to be cramped/uncomfortable and have no privacy, because it makes her feel better,
I only stay at hotels in my home town. My mother’s house is small and honestly, just not comfortable enough for me. I want a vacation to feel like a vacation and it’s really nice. I have old friends meet me at the hotel for dinner and drinks etc. it’s nice to have my own home base.
NTA. It’s not like you’re trying to avoid your family. You’re just trying to sleep comfortably while you’re on a trip.
NTA – I don’t know why parents insist on us sleeping in their house. I’d visit more if there wasn’t this pressure.
You are NTA and you making a very sensible choice. Sharing a home of any size with relatives (including nuclear family) during visits is a recipe for discomfort and difficulty. The simple fact that your mother would resort to name-calling in this instance strongly confirms the fact that you should not stay with her. But you do need to stop discussing it. You are staying where you are staying. There is nothing to talk about.
I always stay in hotel when visiting family
As I grow older I find I like my own space, I never stay with my kids & grandkids. I just tell them I’m coming and make my own arrangements.
I don’t usually sleep in, but because of time zones I might. When I’m tired I go to bed. I read to relax, and they always feel I’m ignoring them or being antisocial. I spend time with them, but kids are in school, parents are working, and I would rather be on my own
NTA
You’re causing less housework. ‘Tis fabulous. Let them sulk.
NTA. I prefer to stay in hotels when visiting people, even family, because I like to decompress in the evening and have a quiet start to my morning. I don’t understand why people get so offended by this.
Our family does this at Christmas and tbh it’s easier on everyone.
NTA I either stay at a hotel or someone family adjacent. Like hell im not going to have a place to hide from them when it gets too much. I also dont let them stay at my house anymore.
NTA, and actually pretty considerate. I’ve been thinking about this very situation lately for some reason. When my son has his own family, I plan to stay in a hotel when I visit. I feel like it would be less stressful for them. I was always super stressed when family came to visit.
NTA. Just stay where you want and don’t bother visiting her if she cannot behave like an adult.
NTA. I hate staying in family’s homes. I’m an introvert, and I live alone. I would much rather have a hotel room with my own bed, bathroom, shower and TV then be forced to be part of a family. As long as you are willing to pay for it, I don’t understand why anyone would be offended. It’s less work for them. You get to come and go as you please. It’s the only way to visit family as far as I’m concerned.
NTA
Staying in a hotel while visiting family is one of life’s great pleasures. Stand firm on this one. (Better yet, sleep on a firm hotel mattress.)
If you can swing it financially, maybe sweeten the deal by booking a nicer hotel with a pool and have family join you for a swim afternoon (or you know, some other type of amenities that family would enjoy).
NTA, and, in my small opinion, those who get upset about you choosing a hotel over their home (to sleep in) are jealous that they didn’t think of it first.
NTA.
How could you possibly be TA when you’re giving the gift of space & privacy, less cleaning & organizing, and more shower/kitchen time to the family who will be staying there?
You’re very polite, and I’m sorry your mom is calling you names.
She must just be disappointed that she won’t host you completely.
NTA
And if she’s getting unpleasant, it’s all the more reason to make sure you have your own space. If she can’t be polite, you don’t have to see her. If she tries to start something, you can just grab your shoes and bag and go.
Same, I always get a room when visiting fam. Double queens w good pool. Nieces/ nephews, friends visit me for pool time slumber parties. They get vacay too. Mom loves as she gets to come hang out, we order food in. She watches pool fun/ sunset from balcony. Figure out a way to incorporate your stay place w theirs
NTA & what is selfish about staying in a hotel? The accommodations at your mother’s home are cramped & crowded. So what if you retreat at days end to a quiet hotel room? Your mother needs to get over herself. Stay in the hotel.
NTA. That’s what hotels are for.
You’re an adult. You need your own space and the chance to visit or invite anyone else.
Soooo NTA
I would rather stay in a hotel, because I need my space.NTA
We always stay in a hotel. Always. Easier on the host, easier on us. We have our own sleep schedule and bathroom. The ability to come and go without explanation. Eat out or eat in. Get to spend quality alone time together. Staying at a hotel, even a cheap one because of our budget, is the way to go.