My father was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer almost 7 years ago. He’s 69 now and, despite multiple surgeries and rounds of chemo, he’s still here and living a full, productive life. My wife and I suggested hosting a Thanksgiving-style celebration with extended family to honour his journey and give thanks. Once my siblings got involved, things went sideways.
I’m the eldest of four — 39M. Then there are my brothers (36M and 33M) and our sister (30F). My second-born brother, R, and I have had a lifelong rivalry. We’ve never gotten along — not as children, not now. He was always our father’s favourite, while I was made to feel like the proverbial stepchild. I could never understand it.
While we all got the best education money could buy, our home life was chaotic and abusive. I left home after high school to get away from the dysfunction and abuse. My siblings all stayed, endured what I couldn’t, and got their degrees in university. I remain the uneducated black sheep of the family.
Anyway, when I left, R stepped into the role of “man of the house” during our parents’ brief separation. He’s held an unspoken authority over the family dynamic ever since. I’ve never wished him harm, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s prayed for me to be hit by a bus. No one in my family ever calls him out — it’s like everyone tiptoes around him.
Back to the celebration. Once we got buy-in from the siblings, R bulldozed the planning. He insisted on dates that would make it impossible for my kids to attend because of school. My wife and I live across the country (everyone else is local), so we needed coordination. R refused to consider alternative dates, saying he “didn’t want to risk our father having a health setback.”
This man was diagnosed 7 years ago and is doing well. That’s the whole reason we’re celebrating!
When my concerns were brushed aside by everyone else — who either ignored me or seemed too afraid to challenge R — I left the WhatsApp group I had created to help plan the function. I told them I’d step aside but was available to assist if needed. No one contacted me, except to collect money. I pledged R10k — same as R — and my other two siblings each volunteered R5k.
The day came. Since my wife and I weren’t involved in planning, we arrived as guests. The event was disorganised and cheap-looking — nowhere near what 30k could or should have produced. Based on the food, décor, and setup (hosted at my parents’ house), it honestly looked like the only money that was actually spent came from the R10k I sent. The rest? Who knows. There were half-hearted decorations, lackluster catering – barely enough for the people there – and a visible absence of my children. People noticed.
A month later, my mother phoned me, upset that I’d “left the group” and “refused to cooperate” — again, placing blame squarely on me. I tried explaining, but she wouldn’t hear it. It felt like she was looking for a scapegoat for how mediocre the event turned out to be.
To protect our peace, my wife and I have stopped jumping through hoops to attend family events. If something’s during school term, we don’t rearrange our lives anymore. We show up when we can — without the kids — and still get labeled uncooperative.
And this wasn’t even the first time.
Two years prior, my mother told me she was gifting the family a vacation through her timeshare. She said she’d asked R to call me and coordinate dates with me. That call never came. A few days later she phoned me, furious that I hadn’t made plans. I told her I’d never heard from R. She wasn’t hearing it.
I called him — and he casually told me the holiday was already booked, for dates in the middle of my kids’ school term. His kids are preschoolers, so no issue there. When I asked him to explain this to our mother so she’d understand why we couldn’t go, he refused. Again, I was blamed for “keeping the kids away” and “feeding the rivalry.”
I’m exhausted from being excluded, blamed, and expected to go along with everything. My wife and I have stopped rearranging our lives for family events that disregard us, but I’m questioning if I’m wrong to step back.
Comments
TL;DR: I suggested a celebration for my father’s cancer recovery, but my controlling brother took over, ignored my input, made it impossible for my kids to attend, and still used my money. I paid the same as him and got zero say. The event was a flop, and I was blamed. This isn’t the first time he’s excluded us, and I’m done bending over backwards. AITA for stepping back?
No you did the right thing by stepping out and I would tell your brother to kiss your ass and not have anything to do with any of them. If they’re going to be like that they can come to you
NTA
Do yourself a favor and take an even bigger step back. You mentioned that your childhood was abusive, but I don’t think the abuse ever stopped they just changed the format.
Nothing you’ve wrote makes it seem like these people are worth the effort to visit (with or without your children). Your parents were abusive when you were a kid and they are manipulative and abusive now. Your brother is selfish (and likely a thief?). And your other siblings are cowards and complicit in this behavior towards you.
I think you’d be better off further limiting contact to emergency situations only. Your parents can focus on their favorite and he can enjoy that. Without you there to blame they’ll probably turn on your other siblings – maybe that will help them grow a backbone.
It’s hard to escape a toxic home, focus on enjoying the family that you’ve built instead of giving those miserable people more of your energy.
NTA in this situation. I would have given 5K and showed up alone but YTA to yourself and your family. Grow some spine and stand up for yourself because you have made yourself the perfect doormat. If you continue to give, they will continue to take. No one cares about your emotions or feelings.. and you seem willing to let them walk all over you. So stop that first.
Look op, you know your family doesn’t like you, just by the way you’re treated. You need to step back and either go low contact or no contact because all you are is a punching bag to them. You’re NTA for stepping back, but you can be if you keep putting you and your family through this bs.
NTA. Step way back and focus on your family now, not family of origin. They are abusive and take no responsibility for their actions. I wouldn’t block them, but I would just not respond. Watch for true emergencies. Don’t answer anything. My guess is without you as the scapegoat, it’ll shift to someone else. Let them hang themselves.
Why are you still talking to any of these people?
You don’t need this drama in your life
NTA. Let R reign. He loves that. Stop trying to be part of a family you were never part of. Let go and move on. Don’t send them money. If you want to spend time with your parents just see them.
NTA! Definitely take a huge step back. I’d RSVP no to all events and vacations. “Nope, that doesn’t work for us. Have fun!” Send their calls to voicemail. I’d only send a text to your parents for their birthdays and holidays and that’s it. You guys live across the country and have school age kids. Focus on your kids and let your family deal with each other.
Maybe by cutting them all off they will take it seriously and try to figure out how to fix it. Maybe they won’t give a shit.
Either way by cutting them off, it will set in motion events they will finally settle it once and for all.
YTA to yourself for not going NC. Your family doesn’t like you. Why would you hang around ppl who don’t like you?
I went NC over a decade ago and it was the best decision in my life. Best thing I could have done for my own peace of mind.
NTA ask your brother for itemized receipts for the costs of the event for your accounting. Ask for a refund if he can’t produce 30k
NTA- change your number and live a good life with your wife and kids. These people are toxic to you.
Cut them out
NTA. Considering everything, it looks like time to cut all contact with the family members who are behaving like right proper a##h#l#s. These people are not worth a second of your time
NTA, R’s TAH but you already know that. There’ll be no appeasing any of your family. I would stop interacting all together. If your family wants to see you they can come to you.
This is an honest question, no insult meant. I really just want to know. Why would you want to stay in a family that doesn’t want you or care about you?
NTA! I agree with requesting receipts/ invoices for that party. It is a reasonable request. Personally, I would go no contact. You are clearly the scapegoat of your family of origin. Focus on yourself, your wife and kids. Create your own tribe with people who care about and respect you and yours.
I dooubt you and your victim mentality will be missed. Do everyone in your family a favour and stop sucking the life out of every room you walk into.
You, the eldest, ran away and washed your hands off everything while your brother stepped up time and time again, so why in God’s name are you surprised no one, not even your own parents or younger siblings respect you? What have you done that has earned you that respect? From the beginning you’ve been beefing with someone years younger than you, someone, who unlike you, stepped up when needed. You’re a disgrace and an embarrassment of a “man.”
You won’t be missed just like you weren’t missed when you left at 18, and that’s what scares you, that after all this time you’re nothing to them.
NTA. Not only should you step back, you should also go NC. You will always be the scapegoat in your family dynamics. Preserve your peace and mental health.
Record your convo… Video chat or even screenshot convos.
Then send them to your mother or other relatives as well.
Then sit back and relax.
NTAH
Fuck em…they haven’t earned and don’t deserve your energy, peace, or time.
Organize your parents to travel to visit you or a vacation with them and your family without your extended family
Do you even care about these people? It sounds like all they do is torment you and make you the scapegoat for all their issues. If you’re not around, they’ll have to blame someone else. You can go low or no contact and only on your terms. People treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated. Stand up for yourself. You don’t need to subject yourself to being marginalized.
You are 39 and you are STILL putting up with this shit??
Dude, you moved FAR away. Your family is YOU, your WIFE, and your KIDS.
Cut the others OFF. BLOCK those people. They are ONLY “Those People” they are not family.
OP, from now on if you contribute you ONLY reimburse with receipts. They want R10,000? You are happy to provide but ONLY when they give you receipts for money spent. That way when your mom gives you garbage you can send screen shots of the receipts and the screen shots of the bank transfers.
As far as vacation planning and all that? You do all communication via text and send her screen shots.
You provided dates that work for you. He refused to accomodate. That is a him problem. Not a you problem.
NTA. Why are you still letting your so called family bully and abuse you honey? You don’t deserve this treatment at all. Nor your wife or kids.
Stop talking to these people
NTA
I don’t think you took a step far enough back. They honestly don’t sound like they are going to change any time soon and the stress its putting on you and your wife isn’t worth the broke relationship you are clinging to. Best thing you can do is reduce contact as much as you can handle so you can be happy and do better by your wife and kids than your family did with you.
Updateme.
Dude, not only are you not wrong, you have taken waaaaaay too much shit from your family.
NTA. These people are not family; they are people with whom you share DNA. Real “Family” are your wife, kids, and close friends who treat you with love and respect and have your back when you need it.
You are still suffering the effects of years of emotional abuse. It might help to talk to someone to understand why you are unable to let go of people who couldn’t care less about you unless you’re doing them a favor. I’m sorry your bio family are jerks.
I feel your pain and stepping back for your sanity is the best option.
I’m the youngest of five. Three boys, our developmentally delayed sister then me. One of my brothers move back home in his late 30 early 40. A few years later dad died. Brother assumed the man of the house roll. Even saying he felt he was put on this earth to help our parents with our sister. Basically he never left. Eventually mom passed. Our parent’s trust was a nightmare with him, too many issues I can explain here. He made my life miserable being the golden son. I can honestly say I’m the only one of the five of us that moved away and never moved back. Hang in there and good luck. You’re ntah!
I wouldn’t just step back. I’d step right the hell away. Forever. You don’t need them. Start your own family dynamic.
NTA. Stop talking to all of them. Your wife doesn’t deserve to be treated this way. Do it for her if you won’t do it for yourself.
Please keep your kids away from this horrible people.if u expose them to this,YWBTA
Nta, because if you insist on keeping in touch, your brother and mother hate you, if you were mistreated in your youth, because you maintain the stupidity of keeping in touch.
NTA. Stop setting yourself on fire for those people. Just stop. Don’t let your mother or brother have the power. Just say sorry, we can’t come. If your mother calls to unload on you, just tell her to call her other kids bc you don’t have time.
Start taping him. Definately NTA to be low to no contact. You don’t need that level of toxicity in your life. And never give them money again. Explain honestly to your father that you will keep in contact with him but that you are not willing to be abused by others anymore and you will do your best to make sure that it does not impact on him.
Please reread your post.
You are being emotionally abused by your whole family.
I think it’s best to DISCONNECT from the fam. ALL of them.
And for gosh sakes!!’ Do NOT send any more money — for anything. It doesn’t matter the reason. NO MONEY.
Stop taking their calls. Texts. ANYTHING. Just stop. Continue to talk to your Dad. And that’s it.
Figure a way to see your Dad, but don’t bother with anyone else. Not even your mother. Focus on Dad. Talk to no one else.
Disconnect. Save yourself. Your peace is important. Keep it safe.
This is AI. Has the lines from chat GPT and everything.
Drop the rope already. They sound abysmal.
Why do you attend events without your children? If they can’t make the effort to include them, you shouldn’t go. If they made an effort most of the time, ok, but they don’t and you shouldn’t bother. Go back to visit, only when it works for you. If other family notice, LET THEM. Stop caring.
You need to cut off all contact and block them all. Nobody bothers to think of your family group so screw them! Do NOT lie to your kids about it either, just don’t bring it up!! Your mom can enjoy R and his entitled a$$ self while your sanity stays in tact. I’m sorry your dad is ill but even he doesn’t defend you. NTA and NC should be your next move
NTA.
But wtf, 30k for a Glad You’re Not Dead party? Wtf.
Again, wtf.
Edit: I’m an idiot, it’s not dollars.
Actually closer to 1500 USD.
NTA. You deserve so much better! I’m sorry you’re being mistreated like this. I would consider going full NC — put them all in your rearview mirror.
How long are you going to put up with this? You two are in your mid to late 30’s. You don’t like each other and your whole family caters to him for whatever reason. Protect your family and your peace. Visit your parents and your other siblings, if and when you want, and just stop bothering with him.
You’ll probably be a whole lot happier if just don’t engage with him all. Focus on YOUR family, they matter the most. What going to happen when his kids get older and your kids get to see the obvious favoritism? You can shut down any chance of that happening now.
Block them all. Hell I would blast them on social media calling the
Out then block them all.
Or block and ghost.
NTA
R must be some sort of evil genius that he talks 5 other people into ostracizing you and defeating your superior logic.
These people are terrible. And he indeed excluded you. No contact seems like a good idea. If not – stop engaging with him. Mom wants smth? Cool, she needs to communicate with you directly. They want your money? No,just no. And don’t expect him to communicate for you with your mom. Write her emails if needed, and avoid calls as much as possible to avoid yelling.
NTA. Be firm with your parents.
TA. my family commonly did this kind of crap to me. Granted, I don’t have children, but the treatment was similar. My mom, aunts and uncles would all plan something for the family, they would then proceed to tell everyone except my house hold about it then b mad cuz 1 I’m not going to rearrange my life on short (sat plans I find out about Thurs or Friday evening) or 2 I just didn’t show up cuz I didn’t know. I live a put a 2 hour drive away. Used to make that trip pretty regular to c them and other ppl. Have taken an enormous push step back in the last few years. I still keep up with my cousins, no one else contacts me. It’s been great tbh. So much less stress, drama and bs. I highly reccomend it! Stop contacting them and stop entertaining the bs.
NTA. Families are complicated. I recommend only communicating with your brother in text or email, so you have receipts if proof of his being problematic is important.
NTA,
I would call your parents & siblings and tell them the situation, and that until they change, then you won’t be reaching out.
I wonder if this all stems from an unknown fact; maybe you are not a bio kid? That is why your younger brother is favored. He is the genetic offspring. Of course, many true bio kids are ostracized by their families and I think you are correct to go full NC with the whole bunch. You might want to wager on how long it will take them to notice.
NTA. Step way way way back. When your parents need your money or need you to care for them, they’ll show back up. Make sure you have your wife’s support to tell them where to stick it too. If your other brother and your sister have had to deal with the same shit YOU have, it’s time to start arranging events with them only. If they have kids, ones that aren’t godawful hellions, your kids should have a chance to form bonds with them. But your brother? Your parents? To hell with that. Just don’t even bother contacting them. Set up a separate group chat with just the two other siblings (and if you end up with just one because the other is not much better than the rest of the family, so be it) to arrange any small family events with them.
Also have you considered a genetic test to make sure you’re even your dad’s kid? If he’s ostracizing you and treating you different, that would be my first guess. If you don’t look a whole lot like him, consider this. You just may be lucky enough to have blood relatives out there that would be happy to meet you, and make a much better family than the one that raised you.
NTA
I don’t blame you for pulling back. They sound terrible.
NTA
It’s fun when you step away and the abusive sibling doesn’t have you there as a target and someone to blame.
I would send a vague group text. “We understand we live far away but as much as we reach out there seems to be a lack of people making an effort to communicate and include us. Relationships are reciprocal and this just us felt one sided. We will be taking a pause in any further group get togethers if you wish to have a relationship personally reach out.”
Post and exit the group chat. Don’t point anyone fingers directly and peace out. If anyone comes at you say the same thing over and over “we aren’t wasting anymore
Of our energy on this. If we mean something to people they will reach out if we will. We will celebrate milestone one on one with people instead”
Step back from the family, and step right out. If your parents aren’t going to hear anything you say, perhaps it’s time to go very low contact, if not no contact.
A lot of us who move across country to escape toxic family, get help and build new families. You should focus on your family you built, add friends as family.
Take awesome vacations with your wife and kids. Camping is fun.
OP, be kind to yourself.