My (27F) ex (28M) and I got a divorce when he came out as gay two years ago. We remained amicable and friends, and I even gave him away at his wedding to his husband, Jake (29M).
His parents (62F, 65M) are rich socialites, but they are also very conservative. They disowned my ex immediately after he came out and we got divorced. However, they still remain close with me and our son (4M), and still in
They love my son. They hang out with him every other weekend and call him every day. They invite him and me to their parties, where we get to connect with other people and expand our network. They also fund his life partially, since I’m not exactly rich.
My ex has been very disappointed in this, and the other day, after I posted a picture of my son and I at one of their parties, he called me and started crying, telling me that I’ve betrayed him.
The thing is, my son’s grandparents really love him a lot, and I don’t want to deprive him of their love.
AITA?
Comments
Didn’t he betray you by marrying you under false pretenses? Getting you pregnant? Then finally leaving you and getting married again in less than two years? Talk about selfish.
Nope. NTA.
NTA
In an ideal world it wouldn’t be an issue but they’re good to their grandson and good to you and financially support you.
It absolutely sucks that they’re homophobic but as long as you keep educating your son it’s not an issue
Your ex sounds nuts. Does he really not expect you to have some sort of relationship with your son’s grandparents?
I would talk to the grandparents about this and have them set him straight. It’s unfair to you for you to have to fight this battle
Tbh, your ex is tahole! He knew he was gay and selfishly had a kid with you! He knew full well he was questioning or gay without considering you or your feelings! He is lucky to have you and his parent support for raising his kid!
It’s okay to be gay, have a kid etc. It’s not okay to act st8, get married. Have a kid with your wife, then divorce your wife for a husband! You made the choice to have a kid with your wife, suck it up and raise him, and be a family!
It also would be fine if you two had the conversation and agreed to have a kid together knowing the situation. (Doesn’t sound like that was the case)
Nta, imo! Remain friends with the family!
NTA but this is complicated. I don’t think there are any right answers here.
“Best interest of the child” standard applies – it’s not about your “betrayal” of your ex, who does not get to decide who you associate with or who your child associates with when he is with you. Question is whether the grandparent-grandchild relationship will materially undermine the father-child relationship. If the grandparents are actively hostile to the father and trying to undermine his relatinoship with his child, then the grandparents need to get cut off because the child’s relationship with the father is more important than the child getting more material goodies and having seemingly loving grandparents. But you haven’t mentioned here that the grandparents are trying to poison the child against the father, so the answer from our outside perspective has to be qualified. .
Good job for keeping in touch with your ex’s parents. They will always be your sons grandparents. I’m a guy and also keep in touch with my ex’s parents.
YTA. You can’t claim to be his supportive bestie and keep in touch with his homophobic parents who have disowned him.
He’s jealous
They are being grandparents
They never knew he was gay?
A few AHs around here…
1. Your ex-ILs for being bigots and disowning their son. You can also blame them for having married a gay man who, when he figured out he was gay, knew he’d be disowned and stayed in the closet probably until after he was married (though we don’t know; maybe he didn’t figure it out until after he was married). But in a loving, accepting home, no doubt he would have been out years earlier.
2. You for exposing your son to bigots, probably because you like their parties and gifts. How can your son reconcile his grandparents treatment of his own father without confusion about who’s right? And God help him if he turns out to be queer.
You’re allowing them to replace their son with their grandson. These are not loving people. And if they were poor, I bet you wouldn’t give them the time of day.
Did you marry your ex because of his parents’ money?
What is the betrayal? Going to the party or letting the grandchild engage with the grandparents?
Divorce is hard in any circumstance. We don’t get to dictate what our ex partner does, nor do we get to prevent our children from spending time with people we don’t like (as long as they don’t cause harm). These people are his grandparents.
You are allowed to attend parties too. You get to be happy too.
If you need some additional boundaries with your ex, it might preserve the co-parenting relationship. He might feel betrayed as a friend, but as a co-parent, he has to let it go.
It may be that the grandparents are trying to be supportive of you too as you navigate being a single person unexpectedly. You get to have that support too. Don’t let him take a support away from you. That can be isolating for you and for your child.
Wait i’m sorry… your sons GRANDPARENTS? As in, your ex and you had a child and those are his blood relatives?
In what world would you be an asshole for that?
NTA
Your son deserve a relationship with his grandparents – despite their conservative views..
How can that be a betrayal of your ex?? Are you denying him access to the kid?? Presuambly you have a 50/50 arrangement??
His issues with his parents are theirs to fix – denying them access to their grandchild as a way to pressure them into reconciling with your ex, is just wrong…
Your eX is wrong: he betrayed you. However untenable life became for him, HE broke his vows to you.
If it makes him feel uncomfortable to see you still bonded to the family you joined, well, HE is the cause of it. You exited your marriage and still maintain a relationship to him with as much grace anyone could possibly manage. To also expect you to also break family bonds for “his comfort” is absolutely selfish of him.
If you can gracefully accept the consequences of his change of heart, then so can he. NTA.
NTA. I get why your ex would be upset by this, but it’s not fair to your son to just cut them off.
Now if you’re keeping in good with them more because they’re rich and they’re keeping you and your son supported in a lifestyle that you’ve become accustomed to…then yeah…YTA.
If they fund his life, then they fund your life, too…as their contributions allow you to spend money on yourself that you would otherwise have to spend on your son.
“They also fund his life partially, since I’m not exactly rich.”
NTA – Sorry ex, but we had a child together. He is their Grand child.
I’m not going to cut off access to them.
I’m sorry, that they disowned you, but that’s between YOU and THEM.
It has NOTHING to do with me and our son
NTA.
Did you know from the beginning that your ex is gay? If No….then he cheated you and emotionally abused you. No matter how effed up his side of the family is …he cheated you and your child. If he had clarified things from the beginning then it would have been okay but did he?
The grandparents love the child. Let him. Don’t let that whiny ex affect you in any way.
YTA they love your son, until your son does something they don’t like. Their love is not unconditional. I would not subject my child to this. I’m assuming you leave them alone with your son once in a while maybe they talk shit about his father? I would not feel comfortable leaving my son with people that hate his father.
Also not your parents, not your business. You are immersing yourself in your ex’s family. The fact that you mention that their socialite, makes me think that you might may be after their money for your son. Because if they’re they disowned their own son who’s next in line? You might not do it consciously.
It’s all very shady.
Tricky one.
Your ex-inlaws are the assholes here.
I think you should have a good talk with your ex.
Is he able to provide the same way your in-laws are doing?
How much are the in-laws interfering with your kid’s education and views?
Is your ex partner actively participating in your child’s life and well-being?
If he cannot provide the same to the child, then this is not about you betraying him, I think is more about the best interest for the child.
Well for your son’s sake I hope he doesn’t come out as gay to his grandparents ever. You know what kind of people they are.
I wouldn’t want any thing to do with them just because they disowned their own child for being gay. I prefer not to associate with people like that.
If it wasn’t for that I would be fine with spending time with them and making sure they are part of their grandchild’s life.
He’s the A. Too bad he decided to follow his kink instead of loving his family. It’s great that your in-laws remain involved with you and your son. They are a much better example and influence for his life.
YTA. You’re associating with homophobes who disowned the father of your child for money. Of course they love their grandson. Until he’ll come out gay, trans or something they don’t have the capacity to understand.
Yeah.. everyone sucks here. Especially you. The grandparents are clearly bigots but because they have money you don’t care.
They disowned him for being gay… For something he had no control over.
What if your son is gay? Are they going to disown him too?
Hate is hate. And you’re ok with the hate that they should to their own child. Yikes.
tell him to suck it up
NTA – at all! Your husband changed the game – not his parents – your son will benefit from having the love and support of loving and doting grandparents- don’t let him or anyone make you doubt that.
I’m just lost on this comment section. His parents disowned him for being gay. He was likely in denial for most of his life because of his parents. OP then decides that the networking opportunities and financial support counterbalance the bigotry. If her son ends up not being straight they’re gonna cut him out too.
Well if your son came out gay. What would his grandparents do? Disown him like they did their son? So he get all this love but it is conditional? How will you treat your son? Disown him so you can stay in your social circle and network or lose all that and support your son?
I think given how they disowned their son for being gay I would be very careful with them. Good chance they could be telling him nasty things about gay people and his father. You’re NTA for letting your son see his grandparents, but it could also be said that you’re TA for hanging around obviously homophobic people when your son’s own father is gay. Please think about what kind of message that teaches your son.
NTA. First of all, there is no excuse for the grandparents behavior. They’re totally wrong to treat their son like this. But, 100% your ex married you knowing he was gay which is one of the worst things you can do to someone else. He’s not innocent here. No one made him get married young. I’m very sorry how his parents have reacted and I’m very sorry that he’s in this situation, but you’re not wrong. You’re #1 financially supporting your son by doing this, #2 allowing him to have a relationship with his grandparents, #3 probably securing future inheritance, tuition for your child etc.
Grandparents are extremely flawed people for what they did to their son. Ex is extremely flawed for what he did to you. They all put you in the middle. They don’t get to be angry about what you do while you’re there.
NTA at all. That’s his grandparents. His father is mad that they don’t approve of his life decisions. They make your son’s life better, why would you deprive him of that in any way?
You can’t betray him, he’s an “ex,” therefore irrelevant. Stay amicable if you want, but his opinion, and general drama are irrelevant.
YTA
They disowned their own son! What makes you think that they won’t do the same to you and your child the moment either of you do something that doesn’t align with their beliefs? Whilst they love him now can you guarantee they still will when he grows up? What if he’s gay? Or something else they disagree with? Why would you set him up for that pain?
Also his Dad, the most important man in his life, is gay and married to a man. Why would you want your son to spend time with people who hate his father for that so much that they disowned him? What sort of awful things might they say around your son? About his Dad and his Stepdad. What damage is that going to do to your son and his relationship with them? This is going to confuse the hell out of your son.
You clearly support the LGBTQ community because you gave your ex husband away at his wedding, so why would you want homophobic AH’s in your son’s life? Or even your life for that matter? And you are a parent, aren’t you disgusted by these people?! Aren’t you angry for your ex husband? You clearly still get on well and care for each other, so how can you stay friends with people who have hurt him so incredibly badly?
When your son is old enough to understand that he sees his grandparents but his father doesn’t and starts asking questions, how are you going to explain this? What if your son becomes intensely angry with his grandparents when he discovers what they did? Do you think your reasons for staying in contact are going to be good enough for him? What if he becomes furious with you too? He could one day hate you for this. If I was in his situation I would. I’d cut the grandparents off immediately and permanently, and it would take a hell of a lot to convince me not to the same to you.
NTA. I remained close with my former in-laws. I divorced their son but kept his family. They’re some of the best ppl i have ever had the honor to know. My ex is dead now, but it irritated the crap out of my ex and his new wife until the day he died. I’m wife #2 out of 3 for my ex. His whole family still refers to me as ‘the good wife’
NTA. They are his grandparents and as you describe good and loving ones. They absolutely deserve this relationship. Cherish it. My hope is that they’ll come to their senses over their son sooner rather than later.
I understand wanting their financial support, and even using them for networking connections as you are (yes, you are using them just as they are using you for access to their grandchild), but they are not good people. Enjoy it while you can because there is a huge risk that someday your son will make a decision against their will and be written off just the same. Their love is clearly conditional.
One mother to another, YTA in a major way.
You’re going to choose to keep your child around the kind of bigotry that disowns gay family members? Are you serious???? My grandfather loved the hell out of me and my daughter. But his constant racism and use of slurs more than cancelled out his love for us. I tried several times to talk to him about this issue and it didn’t change so we went no contact. Apply for assistance, file for child support, I don’t fucking care. But be better example for your child and stop putting aside human decency for a few bucks.
>The thing is, my son’s grandparents really love him a lot, and I don’t want to deprive him of their love.
Or their cash!
Him being gay and getting married with you is tragic for all the obvious reasons. But consider what hanging out with homophobic grandparents who have disowned the grandchild’s father will do his relationship with him.
I’ll reserve judgment on this one, but it’s not exactly a good look on you. And you must sense it or wouldn’t be here asking strangers what we think.
I am older and I am not as PC as some would prefer. Prefacing my opinion by stating that..You are the mother of their beloved grandchild. They probably feel you were wronged by their son and want to keep close ties to you and their heir. And trust me, they see your child as that. The issues between your husband and them is their issue. You did nothing wrong to be “punished” by being forced to not be around them.
You did nothing wrong. Your son did nothing wrong. Your ex did himself wrong by marrying a woman while knowing he was gay. The resulting mess, divorce, conservative/liberal problems are not yours. You are lucky to have supportive, loving and kind in laws. Just because you divorced does not erase YOUR relationship with them when a grandchild is involved.
I understand his hurt but you and his son ought not be locked out of those adventures and opportunities. Ex may find you and the child help him eventually reconnect with the parents.
NTA
They are good to you and their grandchild. And as empathetic as I feel for your ex he lead you on, married you under false pretences and at least somewhat messed up your life. He knowingly did all that. You don’t owe him anything where you sacrifice any more for him. Or make your son do that either.
It would be odd if you didnt have a kid together but you have a child together and those are your son’s grandparents
NTA
I’m going with YTA.
Let’s reverse the situation. You come out as gay and your parents disowned you. Your parents are homophobic. Your relationship with them is as bad as anyone can imagine. But you ex husband keeps taking your son to see them. And let’s not kid ourselves, money has a lot to do with it, which is disgusting. You would be extremely angry in that scenario.
You are teaching your son it’s OK to be homophobic . Your teaching him it is ok to hate his dad. You are teaching him money is important in relationships. And frankly, it’s his parents, not yours. You shouldn’t have a say on if his son sees his parents or not.
At first when I was reading your post, I thought you were such an amazing person for being understanding of your husband’s gender preferences mid relationship. But after writing all this out…not so much anymore.
There’s a word for people who sell their moral compass for money and benefits…
This is a complicated situation and there really is no right answer.
Is your gay ex the father? If so, then you are not the asshole and have the right to continue your relationship with your ex-in-laws/your son’s grandparents. To break off a relationship with them would be unfair to both them and your son.
That being said, if continuing to see them undermines your ex’s ability to have a relationship with his son due to their hostility towards him, then you should break it off because you do not want to destroy your son’s relationship with his father.
If your son was born to another man after the divorce and you’re visiting your gay ex’s parents because you were close before the divorce, then you might be an asshole and should break it off and move on as that part of your life is over.
By continuing to see your gay ex’s parents, you undermine his chances at reconciliation with them over their conservative refusal to accept him.
But in the end you have to do what you feel is best for you.
NTA
NTA but I don’t necessarily feel like he is either. Yes he shouldn’t be taking it out on you but imagine how much it hurts to lose your whole family and never get to see your kid with their grandparents and never get to see your parents again. He’s a victim of a shitty homophobic society. And I’m not saying you’re not hurt either. I imagine it is hurtful to learn your partner is not attracted to your gender. The whole situation is shitty and unfortunate and there’s lots of hurt feelings but realistically a lot of it is caused by a homophobic society.
With society being so mean to gay people it makes it hard for them to come out when they do know, and then a lot of people don’t realize that about themselves because they learn that being gay is bad and they don’t want to be wrong so they push the feelings down so much they even hide it from themselves.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation. You’re doing the right thing. Your child still deserves to see the grandparents. I’m sorry for your ex and losing his family that’s very upsetting. And I’m sorry he’s doing the wrong thing and lashing out at you.
NTA – It’s not about you, it’s about your son. They’re his family. I say this as a gay woman. What they did/do to him is disgusting, but you have to do what’s best for your son and act in your sons best interest. I understand why he’s feeling that way, but at the end of the day this isn’t about him and his relationship with them but your son and their relationship.
Knowing family is important. It’s also important to avoid inheriting their biases.
Their bigotry is not your problem. It’s his. Your son knowing his grandparents is your responsibility. It’s his choice when he gets older, not yours
NTA- if anyone should feel betrayed, it’s you’
NTA, so he knew he was gay and still married you and now says you betrayed him?
Nta, best interest if the child and it sounds like they are being grandparents alsp they are not treating him badly just cause they hate the father. Everyone in comments are worried cause “what if son gay” considering their age i wouldn’t worry about that.
NTA. You’re in a very tough spot, OP.
Depending on where you live, grandparents have legal rights to see their grandchildren. I would not want to rock the boat here and risk them bringing legal action against you for denying them visitation with their grandchild. They definitely have the means to do so and could financially ruin you if they started a legal battle. You also have a good relationship, and you should maintain that for many different reasons.
But also important, keep a pulse on what they say and teach your child about his dad. This is important because of they are teaching your son that his father is bad, then you, and your ex, have a case to keep them away from your son, and the courts would agree if you’re in the US. Your ex could bring a case against his parents to keep them away from his son if he has evidence his parents are turning his son against him.
I can understand why your ex feels betrayed. Although currently directed at you, his feelings of betrayal are really about his parents’ treatment of him and his new husband. But it sounds like he no longer communicates with them, so unfortunately, this is being directed at you.
Out of respect for your ex, hold to his parents’ visitation schedule and monitor closely what they are teaching your son about his dad. Tread carefully regarding what social events you attend and only attend those that you feel are really beneficial in some way for you. Or is it significant to his parents for you to be there, and they would actually be upset with you for not attending. Again, try not to rock the boat.
I saw some comments where feedback is saying you’re only maintaining this relationship due to financial gain. I argue against this because you are in a situation where if you piss them off and take away their visitation only because your ex is upset, you set yourself up for legal action. Because Grandparents have their own set of laws regarding their right to see their grandchild.
Good luck, OP, as you move forward. And take care of yourself and your son. Protecting your son, and his relationship with his dad, is your first priority.
Updateme
YTA I think for still being buddy buddy with evil bigots but the money makes it complicated. Also what the grandparents have is not fucking love, I am sure you thought they loved their son too
The thing is people learn. I have a friend whose dad was so angry when he came out as gay that he left and they didn’t talk for 15 years. My friend became an investment banker. He was unhappy and decided he had the money to do what he wanted with the rest of his life. He bought a farm, sold his house in town. He always stayed in touch with his mom. He asked his mom to ask his dad some advice on setting up the farm. She told him to ask his dad himself and put dad on the phone. 2 hours later they had a date for his dad to come up and look things over so they could create a plan. They still don’t talk about the gay thing but as my friend said he is okay with that. His dad is 80 slowly their relationship has grown past just farming advice. Unless they are somehow trying to undermine you ex husband your sons relationship with his grandparents should not be a weapon in their fight. Over time they may or may not come around to their son. Only the three of them can work that out.
This is complicated, and while I won’t judge you, I don’t think I would do what you are doing. The question is not about whether they love your son. My question to you is this. What if your son comes out at 16. Do you think they do the same thing? How would he be affected? Their love is conditional on his sexuality being what they approve of. That is not true love. I would protect him now from that. These are not values you want to instill in him. How do you explain to him when he is older why his grandparents are not in his Dad’s life without coming across as supporting their bigotry.
YTA….who do you think they are going to pass their bigoted ideology on too? You’re letting them turn their grandson against his father all for money. Hatred isn’t love. Do you think they will still love your son if he decides to be gay?
NTA. You’re doing nothing wrong. He knew that his coming out while he was a married man, would definitely have consequences with his parents. Your son was already existing. Your 1st loyalty is to your child, not him. There is no point in yanking him away from people that love him just to appease your ex’s feelings. He is the adult and he can deal with it. There is also nothing stopping him from forming a solid bond with his son separate from his parents.
NTA the financial support is a benefit that giving up doesn’t seem like a good idea and they love him even if your ex is sad Ask if he’d be able to cover what his parents are covering to provide for your son’s future. Is your ex and his husband involved with your son?
Yeah you are the asshole. Have some principles for fucks sake. You’re supposed to be a role model for your children. How sad for your child and his dad. I hope you make the right decision so your kid can one day be proud of your bravery instead of ashamed of your cowardice.
Not a great thing for his parents to do, but look at what he did, maybe he should reflect on that. He wasted however many years of your life living in the closet, while also creating an extremely confusing situation for a child. He most likely cheated on you while using you and the kid as a prop.
INFO: Do you have any values that carry weight in your decision-making, outside of being what some people might consider a ‘gold digger’?
NTA, consider that probably 90% of the people saying YTA are also posting in the antiwork sub about how much they hate their jobs and how hard it is to afford to pay their bills. Connections and inheritance go a long way to fix those issues.
That being said, make sure not to give the boy too much time alone with them and make sure his father remains attentive.