My ex-wife and I divorced about 10 years ago. In the divorce decree, we made concessions on both sides. We did not split our 401k accounts (which would have netted me about 40k), she didn’t pay alimony and also agreed not to go after maximum child support since she made more than I did. I also stipulated that I wanted to see my kid every week and not every other weekend only, which I understand is a common arrangement.
She has gotten remarried in the last couple of years to a guy who has a very niche job in construction and does well financially. He got a promotion and they recently bought a house that is about 3x the house payment that they had before, he got a new truck etc. so they appear to be doing well.
I have paid child support faithfully every month (in 2 payments per month and a little extra than we agreed on in court) and paid for other things – I have her on my dental insurance (and will keep her there), I would split the cost of things like school fees, class ring, any large expense that was a one time thing, things like that. I also take my daughter on vacation every summer for her birthday and we have been on some nice trips. My daughter turned 18 in mid July and I made the payment in July.
I have not sent any money in August and yesterday afternoon I got a text from her asking if I would be ending my help now that my daughter is 18. I told her that if my daughter needed something (she is planning on moving out), that I would try to help, but that I hadn’t had a full paycheck in a decade and needed to use the extra money to take care of some things I needed to.
I thought that was that and last night I got another text saying “so to be clear you aren’t helping with her car payment, insurance, phone bill etc?” I said again I would help my daughter out but would no longer be sending her money. I know she is trying to guilt me and it’s working a little bit. I talked to my daughter who was staying with me last night, to explain things in general terms and so she would know why her mom might be angry or talk smack about me. Her observation was that it probably came as a shock to her mom, since one day she wasn’t 18 and then she was. I am happy to answer any clarifying questions.
AITA here?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
My ex-wife and I divorced about 10 years ago. In the divorce decree, we made concessions on both sides. We did not split our 401k accounts (which would have netted me about 40k), she didn’t pay alimony and also agreed not to go after maximum child support since she made more than I did. I also stipulated that I wanted to see my kid every week and not every other weekend only, which I understand is a common arrangement.
She has gotten remarried in the last couple of years to a guy who has a very niche job in construction and does well financially. He got a promotion and they recently bought a house that is about 3x the house payment that they had before, he got a new truck etc. so they appear to be doing well.
I have paid child support faithfully every month (in 2 payments per month and a little extra than we agreed on in court) and paid for other things – I have her on my dental insurance (and will keep her there), I would split the cost of things like school fees, class ring, any large expense that was a one time thing, things like that. I also take my daughter on vacation every summer for her birthday and we have been on some nice trips. My daughter turned 18 in mid July and I made the payment in July.
I have not sent any money in August and yesterday afternoon I got a text from her asking if I would be ending my help now that my daughter is 18. I told her that if my daughter needed something (she is planning on moving out), that I would try to help, but that I hadn’t had a full paycheck in a decade and needed to use the extra money to take care of some things I needed to.
I thought that was that and last night I got another text saying “so to be clear you aren’t helping with her car payment, insurance, phone bill etc?” I said again I would help my daughter out but would no longer be sending her money. I know she is trying to guilt me and it’s working a little bit. I talked to my daughter who was staying with me last night, to explain things in general terms and so she would know why her mom might be angry or talk smack about me. Her observation was that it probably came as a shock to her mom, since one day she wasn’t 18 and then she was. I am happy to answer any clarifying questions.
AITA here?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 I stopped paying child support when my child turned 18 but her mother thinks I should still be giving her money. 2 Her mother thinks I no longer want to support my daughter but that I should keep giving her money and that if I don’t that I’m an asshole.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
INFO: what does your court order stipulate?
NTA. Tell your ex that from now on, you will be discussing financial matters directly with your daughter.
INFO: In your state, do you have any legal obligation to pay child support past the age of 18?
NTA. In Ohio, its court ordered to stop when the child turns 18 or moves out, whichever comes first. I came home from graduation to my stuff packed in the middle of my bedroom and moved in with mom (who was paying child support at the time to my biological father) I turned 18 about two months later. My mom called to figure out how to cancel it (because it was automatically transferred for her) and happened to mention that I’d been staying with her for the last bit of time and they backdated the support and gave her the money back from the time I’d moved in. As far as your ex is concerned, the answer you’ve given is all the info she deserves. You now are going to deal directly with your daughter. I hope you made it clear to your daughter which bills you would still be assisting her with, just so she knows. She can share that with her mom if she wants to. But you don’t owe the ex any more communication than “You’re staying on my dental insurance, I will continue to help our daughter.” If she was using your money for other things, thats on her. She’ll have to figure it out on her own.
As long as your court ordered child support stops at 18, you are NTA. What you contribute going forward is up to you and may be a better conversation to have with your daughter.
NTA – if the court order has ended, you did the right thing. You let your ex know that you would assist your daughter directly and not work through her as an intermediary.
You do need to take some additional steps. Do you give your daughter an allowance to go towards her car/phone/etc. with an established grace period? Does she have a job? Will she get a job? Can she budget?
NTA. As long as your court order doesn’t have you paying past 18 (not uncommon), then there’s no reason to be sending your ex money anymore. You’re daughter is an adult now and you can deal with her directly. If your daughter is moving out soon, there’s extra no reason for you to send your ex money. Just check your court docs to make sure.
NTA
NTA. You daughter needs the help. Not the ex.
Depends. In my state, support is until 21, sometimes longer if kid is enrolled in college. Hate to say it, but this is why, even with the nicest separations, it is always good to handle it legally, even if you both agree, just so it doesn’t get ugly later.
INFO Who owns the car? Was there an agreement to split the cost of the car payment, insurance, phone bill? Do those split costs amount to more than the child support payment?
Child support ends at 18. If there are financial obligations, the money should go directly to your daughter not through her mom.
yta
it would be reasonable to give your ex a heads up, and to maybe have a discussion about it “hey, kid is 18, so her expenses have changed. i will still give you a little to help cover her insurance, phone bill etc, but i will mostly be giving to kid directly”
NTA all you’re doing is cutting out the middle man and teaching your daughter to communicate her needs. Seems as if you’ve made it clear to your daughter that if she needs anything she can come to you
I am going to say Nta. But that all depends on what the court order says
NTA as long as court order does not have you paying past 18. My sister’s ex was required to pay until her son graduated jigh school. He turned 18 in October, but ex had to continue until the following June.
Some states have it going even longer.
YTA for being so obviously resentful of paying child support. Your ex-wife’s new husband is irrelevant to your responsibility. Depending on the divorce decree, you might not be legally required to pay child support as soon as the girl turns 18, but a parent who cuts off a child financially at that time without regard for easing them into adulthood (very few 18 year olds are capable of earning a living in modern America) is and asshole.
NTA,
At 18 a person is considered an adult so by definition you stopping child support payments is acceptable, and he did mention in a comment the obligations have been met in full.
But she’s still your daughter and you should have had this talk a long time ago, that’s the part where you maybe screwed up with. Financial planing at that stage in someone’s life is important and you as a parent should have discussed this prior rather than just ending all support at once.
An example would be to give her a loan on the car payments, and she would pay you back after she gets a job in a few years. Or maybe encourage her to get a part time job.
It’s not too late to start now. It’s not about the payments stopping more of how unprepared everyone was cause it wasn’t discussed.
I think it depends on how the child support was worded legally. Because I know in some cases if the child is in a four-year college they still have to pay child support.
So I would say go look at what the wording was and confirm it with your lawyer because otherwise yeah you’re perfectly fine not paying your ex child support and just helping your daughter out flatly
YTA Did your daughter get a full time job the minute that she turned 18? How is she taking care of her expenses if her parents stop paying for the phone, car etc?
You should have given your daughter plenty of warning before you closed your wallet. She needs time to get a job to support herself.
If you think that your ex is responsible for these expenses because she married a wealthy guy… consider whether the wealthy guy has any financial obligations to your daughter whatsoever.
I’d say NTA, but I guess it couldn’t have hurt to inform her/discuss beforehand (although I guess I’d also consider it the expected situation that you’d stop paying child support)
If you want to support your daughter you should discuss with the daughter/her mother and possibly pay your daughter some money directly but there is no good reason to keep doing this through your ex
ESH. This sounds like the type of conversation all of you should have had way before your daughter turned 18. You’re not legally obligated to pay and the mom shouldn’t have counted on continuing to receive it but people need to plan for financial changes in advance so that expenses you’d been helping with – and that don’t instantly stop at the age of 18 – can be planned for.
You need to stop viewing this as a burden you finally got out from under and remember that you still have a child who needs support and parenting from you. You can either decide as (as a group of 3, now that your daughter is an adult) what level of financial support you’re going to continue with your daughter as a legal adult (eg helping with insurance, tuition, phone) and how and if that needs to be divided. You can also give your daughter money directly now if you dont want to deal with her mom. But figure out what your daughter needs
YTA. Do you think your daughter’s expenses just stopped because she turned 18? And you’re her father. No matter if her mother remarried, you still have an obligation to support your child.
As long as you are following whatever was set out in the divorce decree, NTA.
Pay the money directly to your daughter.
YTA
you aren’t the asshole for stopping your payments to your ex. That’s perfectly fine, your child is 18. BUT, you still have a responsibility to pay for that human being you created. Your child support did not cover 100% of your child’s needs. You state that you split costs with your ex. She hasn’t had a full paycheck in years either.
Ex and new hub might be doing well, but you don’t know their arrangement. Your daughter isn’t his kid. He might refuse to pay towards her upkeep.
You are her father. You need to do more than “try to help out.” You need to continue to split the cost of your child’s car payment, insurance, and phone. Your child might be a legal adult, but she’s in no way prepared for all the adult expenses coming her way. And your ex shouldn’t have to take on that burden alone.
You don’t have to send money to ex. Send it to daughter. But, in my experience 18 year olds are pretty irresponsible with money. Talk to your kid about your financial assistance and discuss a timeline for weaning her off your help. So that you can set her up as a responsible round adult who’s thriving rather than drowning in debt.
When does your divorce degree say it ends? That’s really the only date that matters
Is your daughter still in education? If she’s not working, it’s not fair to put all the costs on your ex
Be talk to your daughter her mom might make her pay all those things herself so be prepared
In Canada (yes, I know you are in the US), she might have had to pay you child support since you say she made more than you. It isn’t automatically the woman who gets CS.
I’m going to say yes, a little bit of TA. Not for ending the arrangements but for not discussing it or giving any sort of heads up to your ex. Sounds like you were on okay terms so it’s hard to see why you would not talk to her.
You don’t state if your daughter is still in education. If she is, then you might still be responsible for payments.
Finally, and as others have already said, her partner’s finances have no baring on your responsibilities.
YTA
Idk is she still in high school? Because if she is; then she can take you back to court for child support. Which she should do, if she’s still in high school.
I still think you suck because she’s not even asking for money for regular stuff. She’s asking for help with the car payment, insurance and cellphone. You even admit that she gave you a break on child support because she makes more. So because she makes more you are dumping all responsibility back onto her?
My dad paid my car insurance until I was like 22/23 and only because I got my own car without him. My sister stayed in his insurance until a couple of years ago and she’s like 30 now. I would have just told you, I’m transferring those bills 🤷🏾♀️.
If the divorce decree says that you can stop at 18, legally you don’t have to and if you want to continue to help in any way, you might consider giving the money directly to the daughter. It might her learn to budget.
YTA. Assuming that the agreement was until 18, you’re legally ok but I do think it’s an asshole move to stop without having a conversation and fully expecting that your ex cover all your daughter’s expenses from now on. If you weren’t expecting that, you should have had a conversation with your daughter letting her know she needs to work after she turns 18. It’s also an asshole move to say you haven’t had a paycheck in a decade since I’m guessing your ex also hasn’t, as your daughter lives with her. It reads as a parent that does not feel responsibility over their kids because someone else will take over.
If your daughter is still in high school, typically you are responsible until she graduates. If not, is she still living at her mom’s home for free? Mom may be using your child support to avoid having your daughter have to pay rent, car payment, car insurance and phone. If you don’t want to pay child support any longer, that is reasonable, however having a conversation with your ex and daughter about who pays for these monthly expenses concerning your daughter should happen unless you are okay with these expenses being absorbed by your daughter. Her mom’s financial situation with her new husband should not factor in to your decision as to who pays what for your daughter and the fact that you brought that up is interesting to say the least. You can stop paying child support but mom is well within her right to stop paying for all the above mentioned expenses, which your daughter probably isn’t prepared to pay.
If it’s a part of the original CS agreement, then nta. It’s not uncommon CS agreements to have stipulations where CS must still be paid if the kid is in school, and then it usually only extends until they graduate or age 25. Before you go full cold turkey, I would ask your lawyer to check that to make sure you’re fully in the clear. You’re not ending your support of your daughter. You’re just not sending extra money to her mom, and mom doesn’t really need it anymore anyways. The fucking audacity to be mad you won’t help with your daughter’s car and insurance when she and her husband just bought a big ass house and a new truck. They can handle the kid’s extra expenses on their own.
At 18, most jurisdictions do not require you to continue child support payments as your daughter is no longer a “child.”
If your adult daughter is in education and the divorce decree states that you are to contribute while she is in education, that’s a different matter, otherwise, you aren’t required to pay for another adults cell phone, car insurance, etc. These aren’t necessities and as an adult she can get a job to take of her bills.
NTA if the court orders say 18 is when child support stops AND if you’re going to provide financially for your daughter *directly to your daughter, but it probably would have been a good idea to have a conversation about how shared expenses would be handled so you don’t leave your daughter unprepared or unable to pay for whatever you and her mum have been covering together.
NTA. Your daughter is 18 now so if you want to help her, you should be helping her DIRECTLY now anyway, not through a court. I would talk to my daughter more and see where her financial situation is and where she could use the help. I wouldn’t cut off all financial help, though, cause it’s about doing what is best for your daughter, not your ex-wife.
Does your daughter work at all? In College? What is her situation like right now?
NTA – that is the end of the legal time limit. Mom get’s no more money.
NTA. You’ll get a lot of yta because of reddit’s demographic but not paying your ex is a necessary step.
NTA.
Follow what the court said to do
AND no, you’re helping your child directly now not through her mother. The way your ex wife is asking, it feels like she’s asking where her extra money is versus child support for the actual child
NTA .. I think that’s a great plan of working with your daughter one on one if she needs help in certain areas like paying insurance , car repairs, cell phone. No need to directly pay your ex.
That depends on your jurisdiction. I have no idea where you are. In some US states child support continues until 21 if the child attend college.
If you can legally stop child support at 18, then NTA. You can help your daughter directly as you see fit, like having her on your phone plan or health insurance plan.
If the child support laws where you live only cover up to the 18th birthday, NTA. You’d have fulfilled your legal obligations.
I like that you’re continuing to support your daughter directly, which also contributed to an NTA score.
But there are places where you pay until the day before they turn 19, and others where you pay until the end of the school year in which they turn 18.
Why are you paying child support if your ex makes more? Do you have her the same amount of time as your ex?
I really wish people would stop asking this sub if they are the AH when what they really need is legal advice.
OP – I say this as a family law paralegal: speak to an attorney. Take your parenting plan, do a consultation, yes – you may have to pay for it, and get some legal advice. This sub could vote N T A all day long, but a judge might not see it that way.
There is something called Post Secondary Support just for this – support after the child turns 18. Your wife could drag you back to court for a parenting plan modification and ask for this. Please, just go speak to an attorney.
Slightly YTA, but more for communication issues.
Things are all flipped around here. My DH paid a ton of CS for the last 17 years. His CS was due while the kids were in school, up until completion of their first degree/certificate. SD went back to HS for one semester and has been off since February, working while waiting for uni to start in September. We fully anticipated that he would be paying CS again. Meanwhile, BM lost her job and home and has moved in with her parents. SD was sent to live here. We are delighted to have her.
What we aren’t delighted about is that BM didn’t communicate anything to us. SD gave us a few hints that things were headed this way, but no proper adult communication. DH reached out to her to pay half of a dental bill and her response was that she was “done with this 50/50 crap”.
If your daughter is still being a burden on her mother, living with her and what not, you should still be helping support her. The second she moves out, it makes sense to stop payments.
That being said, you might actually be breaking laws. AZ law requires parents to pay while the kid is in school, this includes college. So if your daughter is going to go to college, you are definitely still on the hook. Unless you made a previous agreement with your ex. Which it sounds like you have not.
I don’t know, it sounds like you think it’s ok to not pay anymore because your ex is remarried and to someone who makes good money. Your daughter is not his responsibility. She’s yours.
Why would anyone pay an ex child support when the child is an adult and out of high school.
Like you said, if your daughter needs something you can give it directly to her.
NTA
And if an 18 yr old wants a car that requires a car payment, they can get a job to pay for it.
NTA
From your other comment it looks like you have met your legal obligations.
You should continue to support your daughter though directly.
Updateme
NTA
Into want to point out a couple of things though:
What her husband does isn’t relevant. How much he makes doesn’t matter. It’s not his kid.
If by “not having a full paycheck in a decade” you mean that you had to help raise your child, no one feels bad for you. That’s every parent in the world.
NTA but you definitely should have brought this up before hand. You could have simply informed when daughter is 18 my child support will be stopping. You didn’t have to handle it this way.
If Court documents state child support payments stop at 18 y.o. , some say through the end of high school. Then you are NTA, HOWEVER, while you no longer need to pay child support to her mother, your ex. You are still her parent, not your ex’s new spouse. He may be doing well, BUT he is not responsible for your daughter. Try sending money directly to your daughter, by passing her mom. If you aren’t willing to help your daughter this may cause difficulties in the relationship with your daughter. Not paying child support to YOUR EX may not make you an a-hole, but there are other issues you need to consider.
NTA, however your post makes you sound like kind of a doormat.
BTW you typically just can’t stop paying Child Support. You most likely need to go to court and have a formal court order.
Then it’s up to you and your daughter to workout whatever kind of support you’d like to provide going forward without Mom
Child support is for children. Eighteen year olds are adults by law. You can support your daughter directly and it is best you talk with her on her needs and arrangements for the future, especially considering housing, travel and higher education. NTA.
Nta. As long as you followed the court order your good. It’s been 10 years. I’m going to stress 10 years. She knew the child support would end at x time it’s not on you. She had the warning given long ago. The fact that you’re willing to continue helping your child as long as she reaches out for your help is good parenting. Also letting her know she can do so is good parenting. If your ex based her finances around the child support that’s not on you as she should have seen that as a not one that would continue once the time came. As child support is for the child.
An 18yo has a car payment? Who signed her up for that? They can get less expensive phone plans, and you’re keeping her on your dental insurance (maybe health too?).
NTA.
Really depends on your location & circumstances. My youngest is 30 and I still receive child support, as per yearly review.
NTA
It’s not unusual to drop child support when they are no longer a child. You’ll help her directly.
NTA. You’ve done your part. However, you’ve both failed in allowing your daughter to incur that kind of debt, without the ability to afford it, at the age of 18.
Nta but do consider helping your daughter directly if she asks for help, ok?
You and her still have a relationship after all!
From what I’m understanding from OP is that he would be helping the daughter directly and not give ex the money instead. Right?
NTA- You’re handling everything fine. Just keep being clear with your daughter on what you’re able to directly help her with and why/why not. I think she appreciates your honesty over her mom’s pettiness. You’re the bigger grownup in this situation.
Sort of TA as you should have communicated this prior.
YOU ARE THE ASSHOLE. FULL STOP.
My dad did the same thing. Prorated that last check to the day I turned 18 and not a penny more. I hadn’t even graduated high school just yet. Haven’t even spoken to him in at least 15 years. You’re not obligated legally so do whatever you want, I guess.
Your daughter is 18, any money you were sending or want to send should go directly to her, not your ex.
What does the divorce decree say? Usually that’s spelled out pretty clearly. If CS was to only continue to 18, then it really shouldn’t be a shock to your ex. However, you don’t get to stop being a parent when your child turns 18 and they still need financial support. Discuss finances with your daughter, help her with money and help her learn how to manage it.
NTA. If you want to help send the money directly to your daughter, or ask for a receipt and pay what you feel is appropriate.
INFO: who will paying for daughters big monthly expenses? (Health insurance, car insurance, phone bill, car payment, etc). Are you going to take over any of those responsibilities? Are they being put into your daughter’s name for her to handle?
Nta. But it’s probably dated in the court order. You need to cover as long as it says.
Turning 18 isn’t a surprise unless mom doesnt remember her kid’s birthday.
NTA. When my SD turned 18 we stopped too, and the ex flipped out. We sent money to my SD only, directly to her personal checking account while she was in college but it wasn’t as much as we used to pay in child support. Remember, you gave up 40k by not going after her 401k so dont feel guilty.
INFO: Were the CS payments always going to your ex? Did your daughter know how much you were sending every month?
NTA. You’re willing to help your daughter not your ex. You can send money directly to your daughter now. Ex doesn’t need to be involved. If she was using that money to support her lifestyle then shame on her. If she has to make adjustments now, oh well, that’s life.
NTA. As long as you’re serious about continuing to help your daughter, there is no reason to send money via your ex.
YTA because your daughter is still living with her mother, meaning she pays for her food, utilities, clothes and other expenses and that didn’t stop on your daughter’s birthday. Unless she moves out or gets a job and pays for herself, you should continue contributing your share to her mother.
Maybe what you should’ve done is talk to your ex before her birthday on how you wanna manage things going forward. You actually did a decent job of communicating when you were getting divorced and she doesn’t seem to be the kind to go after your money just coz she can, now it’s your turn to show that you’re an honorable person too who won’t try to weasel your way out of supporting your child.
Your daughter is pretty smart. NTA for not sending money to her mother anymore as long as you are helping her directly while you help her acquire the tools to become financially independent from you and your ex.