For context, we live in a house that’s divided into two floors. My landlord and his girlfriend live on the first floor, and my girlfriend and I live on the second. Today, my landlord messaged me to say that his girlfriend’s mother had passed away, and that if we heard loud crying, we should try to be understanding. I told him it was no problem, offered my condolences, and plan to bring them flowers tomorrow to show my respects.
Here’s the problem: Her family is there, all gathered together. My girlfriend, who bought a new vacuum today, thinks it’s a good idea to vacuum our apartment (which she does daily). I told her that out of respect, she shouldn’t do it. I offered to do it tomorrow after work, but I didn’t think it was right to do it today.
We argued a lot because she said it didn’t matter, that it would only take 10 minutes. We kept arguing to the point where I took the vacuum into the bathroom. Am I the asshole for doing that? Am I in the wrong?
We don’t have good sound insulation between the floors, so it would be quite loud.
What do you think?
Am I the Asshole?
I apologize for my English, Spanish is my first language.
Comments
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For context, we live in a house that’s divided into two floors. My landlord and his girlfriend live on the first floor, and my girlfriend and I live on the second. Today, my landlord messaged me to say that his girlfriend’s mother had passed away, and that if we heard loud crying, we should try to be understanding. I told him it was no problem, offered my condolences, and plan to bring them flowers tomorrow to show my respects.
Here’s the problem: Her family is there, all gathered together. My girlfriend, who bought a new vacuum today, thinks it’s a good idea to vacuum our apartment (which she does daily). I told her that out of respect, she shouldn’t do it. I offered to do it tomorrow after work, but I didn’t think it was right to do it today.
We argued a lot because she said it didn’t matter, that it would only take 10 minutes. We kept arguing to the point where I took the vacuum into the bathroom. Am I the asshole for doing that? Am I in the wrong?
We don’t have good sound insulation between the floors, so it would be quite loud.
What do you think?
Am I the Asshole?
I apologize for my English, Spanish is my first language.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I just want to know if I’m in the wrong by being called asshole for trying to be civil and respectful of my neighbours
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
First of all, your English is really good… no need to apologize for it.
Anyway, NTA. You want to show respect for the grieving family downstairs and there is no need to vacuum every single day. Your wife should understand that and not make a big deal out of it, even if she’s probably right that it wouldn’t be a big deal.
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NTA! People who are grieving shouldn’t be hearing the sound of the vacuum right above their heads. You’re in the right and she’s in the wrong. She at least should not vacuum for one day and wait to do it when there isn’t people around.
This is a weird one. It’s probably not worth the argument bc as you said it’s just 10 minutes and if I’m grieving I probably wouldn’t even notice but on the other hand, your gf should be ok with your very reasonable request to not vacuum for 1 day (which daily sounds a bit OCD).
So I guess NTA
NTA. You were being kind and daily vacuuming is kinda over the top anyway.
NTA that is a rare and upsetting moment for the family. I don’t think a vacuum would lighten the mood. Not wrong for wanting to be respectful
l
the whole “ to the point where i took the vacuum to the bathroom”.
call me a pessimist but i’m sniffing someone who is considerate of others often but yet his wife would have another story for herself in that department.
OP ive grieved family members, wouldn’t give a shit if the neighbourhood decided to throw a block party ,
that has nothing to do with my Loss.
landlord told you don’t mind thé loud crying, not “make no noise! it’s Vital!”
NAH. I think it’s a preference thing. When my parents died, I was too focused or distracted on other things to even acknowledge a vacuum. Everyone grieves differently. Although I don’t think it would have been worthy of a fight. If I were her and you offered to vacuum that would be enough for me.
YTA: your girlfriend is (hopefully) a grown adult who can decide for herself what to do with a vacuum cleaner. You shared your opinion about vacuuming and she didn’t agree. That’s fine. Couples are allowed to disagree with each other, but taking the vacuum into the bathroom was a really immature way to handle conflict.
Also, your downstairs neighbors are grieving, not sleeping. Why would they care if you vacuum?
If you could hear crying downstairs, I have a sneaking suspicion that arguing over the vacuum and hiding the vacuum would be more noticeable than vacuuming.
However, your heart was in the right place so, NTA, I guess.
NTA
You are a considerate and thoughtful person.
NTA. I think that was very thoughtful of you, and it wasn’t an unreasonable request you asked of her.
NAH. If I’m grieving I either won’t notice or I’d appreciate my sobs not being heard as much. A vacuum would be inconsequential especially for 10 minutes. But at the same time, your quiet and reverence is thoughtful, kind, tactful, and appreciated.
NTA. I was raised to do.the same (live in UK). If anyone living in the close vicinity experienced a loss, you showed a little respect and kept the noise down at least for 24 hours.
I remember a family in the neighbourhood whose children I had grown up and played with lost thier father to cancer. About of 15 minutes after I witnessed the hearse collect the body, my father who I lived with at the time (he had recently been diagnosed with parkinsons) announced he was going to do something noisy outside.
All I had to do was say “just to let you know Mr (name) passed away this morning” and he automatically said “OK, I’ll do (task) tomorrow”.
That’s it, end of situation.
It’s not like your carpet was filthy, if anyone picked up on it and made a comment, I’d be considering thier character more than the state of the carpet!
YTA. You were being unreasonable. 10 minutes of vacuuming won’t hurt anyone. But where you really tipped it over the edge was taking it away and putting it in the bathroom. I would have a serious problem with that. Your gf is not a child and you aren’t her father
NAH. Realistically, if my downstairs neighbors weren’t my landlord, crying wouldn’t inherently make me not vacuum. You view grieving differently and that’s okay, but taking the vacuum is much. If anything, they might have not even noticed or cared because of the crying. If someone passed and I heard my neighbors vacuum, I would not be mad personally