Alt account so I don’t doxx my main.
My ex and I split up about three years ago. No bad feelings, we just drifted apart until we realised that we were now co-parents not husband and wife any more. We have two kids, 13 and 10. My ex used to work as an infrastructure engineer and I was working as an owner driver with my own truck.
At around the time the kids were born we decided she was going to be a stay at home mum, the trucking was going well and I had brought a second truck and a van so I stayed home doing all the planning and admin, while I had the trucks and van out.
When the smallest started school the ex went back to work part-time but her time out of the workforce had hit her really hard and she needed to learn lots of stuff and basically she couldn’t get back in at her previous level and had to pretty much start over. Over the years the haulage firm had expanded and frankly it was getting a bit of a pain in the arse, we were too big for where we were and were needing to move to a new yard so I sold it off for a reasonable sum and set up freelancing as a dev. (Did Computer Science at Uni).
We both had relatives pass away leaving us property and money. So we were mortgage free on the family home. When we split, I moved into a house that I had inherited, we basically split the assets in half, split the costs of the kids activities in half. And when we were sat looking at the money she concluded that she would need to go back to work full time and she would miss time with the kids, as they were with me the three days she was at work and every other weekend I felt a bit bad for that, because if she hadn’t been out of work for so long then she would be in a better place career wise.
So I offered to cover half of her bills until the kids went off to uni. She didn’t want to at first but I said to her that she helped me out and had now suffered as a result so it was only fair that I returned the favour, it’s helping my kids out, and I didn’t want her to be running down the savings that was essentially the kids inheritance.
So this situation has worked out about as well as it can, we co-parent happily, everything is all good. Until she met a new guy. He’s someone we knew from way back but we lost touch with. They started dating, she’s really happy and she’s talking about him moving in. Which I’m ok with, the kids get on with him and I trust her judgement and know that she wouldn’t put anything ahead of the kids.
So I said to her, if laddo is moving in you won’t need the money towards the bills will you? She said no she wouldn’t, but she was thinking of putting it into the kids accounts. Great idea says me. I’ll put some on their cards for pocket money and the rest in their savings. So that was what we agreed.
But when new chap found out he went up the wall and accused me of being controlling and financial abuse. A few of our friends have also said that he’s got a point and that it looks like jealousy. So AITA here?
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Alt account so I don’t doxx my main.
My ex and I split up about three years ago. No bad feelings, we just drifted apart until we realised that we were now co-parents not husband and wife any more. We have two kids, 13 and 10. My ex used to work as an infrastructure engineer and I was working as an owner driver with my own truck.
At around the time the kids were born we decided she was going to be a stay at home mum, the trucking was going well and I had brought a second truck and a van so I stayed home doing all the planning and admin, while I had the trucks and van out.
When the smallest started school the ex went back to work part-time but her time out of the workforce had hit her really hard and she needed to learn lots of stuff and basically she couldn’t get back in at her previous level and had to pretty much start over. Over the years the haulage firm had expanded and frankly it was getting a bit of a pain in the arse, we were too big for where we were and were needing to move to a new yard so I sold it off for a reasonable sum and set up freelancing as a dev. (Did Computer Science at Uni).
We both had relatives pass away leaving us property and money. So we were mortgage free on the family home. When we split, I moved into a house that I had inherited, we basically split the assets in half, split the costs of the kids activities in half. And when we were sat looking at the money she concluded that she would need to go back to work full time and she would miss time with the kids, as they were with me the three days she was at work and every other weekend I felt a bit bad for that, because if she hadn’t been out of work for so long then she would be in a better place career wise.
So I offered to cover half of her bills until the kids went off to uni. She didn’t want to at first but I said to her that she helped me out and had now suffered as a result so it was only fair that I returned the favour, it’s helping my kids out, and I didn’t want her to be running down the savings that was essentially the kids inheritance.
So this situation has worked out about as well as it can, we co-parent happily, everything is all good. Until she met a new guy. He’s someone we knew from way back but we lost touch with. They started dating, she’s really happy and she’s talking about him moving in. Which I’m ok with, the kids get on with him and I trust her judgement and know that she wouldn’t put anything ahead of the kids.
So I said to her, if laddo is moving in you won’t need the money towards the bills will you? She said no she wouldn’t, but she was thinking of putting it into the kids accounts. Great idea says me. I’ll put some on their cards for pocket money and the rest in their savings. So that was what we agreed.
But when new chap found out he went up the wall and accused me of being controlling and financial abuse. A few of our friends have also said that he’s got a point and that it looks like jealousy. So AITA here?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Well the amount of people who have said it’s a dick move to cut off money have made me wonder if they’re right or not. My ex seems ok with it, but the way her chap reacted has made me think maybe it is a bit harsh.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. I’d talk to an attorney, get financial responsibilities put before a judge and leave it at that. This new man has zero say in what and how you allocate your finances. If new man is this involved, then he can kick in the difference of what you have been paying. IMO you have above and beyond what would have been legally expected from you.
INFO: What the heck. The new guy has nothing to say in this situation. It was great how you and your co-parent are talking to each other and the idea of you paying the money still to the kids was great. Ask your ex if she really think it is okay for her new boyfriend to get involved in this situations. Because they are clearly non of his buisness unless he thought he could live care free now that he is moving in a mortage free house
NTA, looks like he was interested in the free ride and now that the gravy train has stopped he’s all upset.
Your EX had no issues with the money stopping because she isn’t interested in taking advantage of you and two adults living together should be able to cover their own expenses, but new boyfriend doesn’t want that.
NTA – His opinion is irrelevant. The only opinion that matters is the ex wife’s and she seems fine with it. I admit as I was reading it, I started to think maybe a bit jealous, but even if you are, if you continue to pay those utilities, then you are effectively paying them for him. He is no one to you. You’re good.
Tell him to f off. It’s none of his business, you did something nice for your ex but now you both agree she doesnt need it and to put it into an account for the kids, they are Yours and Her kids, its Your Money, he has 0 say in any of this, he probably wants it for himself
NTA, but I’m a bit confused. So se agreed that you can stop paying half of the bills, but instead the money would go towards the kids. And the new guy didn’t like that?
Sounds like a win for you. More money 🤑
Worst case, you can put away that money anyway, and just give it to the kids for when they go to college.
NTA
You and your ex have a long history of respecting and supporting each other. And you both put the kids’ wellbeing first. You and she discussed and agreed this change continues the mutual respect and support, as well as prioritizing the kids’ wellbeing.
Friends’ opinions are to be ignored. You gave extra when you felt she needed it. She agrees that now she doesn’t need it, and she never viewed it as something she was entitled to. AND you both want the money to be redirected to the kids. I’m searching high and low for a whiff of jealousy. Smell nothing but mutual respect, reasonableness and exemplary co-parenting.
IF the bf is a decent chap, he will
(1) calm down
(2) realize that he has no standing to insert his opinion and that he needs to respect and trust your ex’s judgment and her decisions regarding her kids. and
(3) see how wrong his judgement is.
If he was counting on that extra money to subsidize his lifestyle, then your ex may want to rethink how great a guy he really is.
Info: What the f+ck has any of this got to do with the new guy?
It’s pretty standard to stop paying alimony when the ex remarried or cohabits with someone new.
Child support is still expected.
You guys may have never been married, but just think of it in these terms. Use the courts if you think it’ll be cleaner or more helpful. Consult an attorney first.
Sorry my vote is YTA. The agreement you had with the ex was to cover half her bills until the kids went to uni. Which is absolutely appropriate because she gave up an awful lot for you and the family.
In my opinion it’s irrelevant that she met someone else. Sounds like he’s not happy about your decision but he’s not trying to get in the middle of it. Your ex likely agreed to the change because she is trying to keep the peace and has never been greedy or unreasonable. Stick with your original agreement.
So Laddo jumps in and wants you to foot the love nest vs kiddos? Nope. NEXT!!!!
NTA. You have gone above and beyond what most people would have, I think.. and I certainly would have been more limiting of cash in that situation from the time of the split. Money for kids yes, money for ex wife no.
NTA
Tell anyone moaning that you pay child support for your children, not grown men looking for a free ride.
He’ll already be saving in rent as the house is paid for, is he really looking for his bills and groceries to be paid for by you too. If someone moves into another’s home, they contribute to living there. That said, contribute too, not pay half as your kids are eating the food and running up the utility bills.
NTA. And props to you and your ex for having a great relationship after the divorce. But her new Guy looks like he wanted the money too
NTA: seems like the new guy doesn’t like the fact that he can’t pay his way into your kids lives
No. You are paying to support the kids. Does he respect you to pay his share of the household bills?