So, I (27f) and my partner (26m) have been together 6 years. We’re moving in together within the next year and buying a house so obviously finances have came up. My partner is pretty chill and level headed. In fact, he usually makes the most logical decisions but on this one I think he’s being a bit of an idiot and letting his masculinity run his mind.
So I make over 10k more than he does a year, I have a very good and stable job that gets a small pay rise every year per experience. He works full time and works hard for his wage, it’s not a bad one at all, it’s just still less than me.
I posed the idea that we should split the bills 50% of our wages. To me that makes sense, we’re paying the same, it’s still equal it’s just that I’ll pay a bit more because I earn a bit more.
He did not like this suggestion and kicked up a fuss about wanting to pay it completely equally. I used the example of bills being 1000 a month (obviously that’s very cheap but for example) I then said let’s say he earns 1000 and I earn 2000 and we split it. It leave me with 1500 and him 500 using his method.
It just doesn’t make sense. But now he’s annoyed saying that if he wants to pay more then he should be allowed to do that and if he wants more he’ll work more for it.
AITA cause I feel like I’ve pulled a nerve with the whole “be a man and provide” mindset crap.
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So, I (27f) and my partner (26m) have been together 6 years. We’re moving in together within the next year and buying a house so obviously finances have came up. My partner is pretty chill and level headed. In fact, he usually makes the most logical decisions but on this one I think he’s being a bit of an idiot and letting his masculinity run his mind.
So I make over 10k more than he does a year, I have a very good and stable job that gets a small pay rise every year per experience. He works full time and works hard for his wage, it’s not a bad one at all, it’s just still less than me.
I posed the idea that we should split the bills 50% of our wages. To me that makes sense, we’re paying the same, it’s still equal it’s just that I’ll pay a bit more because I earn a bit more.
He did not like this suggestion and kicked up a fuss about wanting to pay it completely equally. I used the example of bills being 1000 a month (obviously that’s very cheap but for example) I then said let’s say he earns 1000 and I earn 2000 and we split it. It leave me with 1500 and him 500 using his method.
It just doesn’t make sense. But now he’s annoyed saying that if he wants to pay more then he should be allowed to do that and if he wants more he’ll work more for it.
AITA cause I feel like I’ve pulled a nerve with the whole “be a man and provide” mindset crap.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think IATH because maybe I shouldn’t have suggested it knowing how hard he works for his money. It could be a bit of a slap in the face to him that I earn more.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. He’s just insecure.
nta, but maybe you could put the rest of what would be you 50% into a special savings just for couples stuff?
NTA but neither is he. It’s not like some posts we read where one person ends up paying all the bills.
Maybe if he is insistent on paying the same amount as you, maybe you could save that money and treat both of you to something like a trip away
Use the opposite example:
Assuming you have a child, or get sick are you still expected to pay 50% of the bills?
NTA. I don’t get the reasoning, but my wife made more than me most of our working lives so I guess maybe I’m the wrong one to comment.
Let him pay
Uhm, maybe a little YTA for how you talk about it? Although honestly he also sounds combatative.
Money can be split many ways and the two you guys are proposing are both quite standard. There is no need to insult each other over it. I think you are right that he feels uncomfortable about you paying a larger share. This might be sexism, of it might be about not feeling like he owes you.
If he would prefer you both pay equal, why is that unacceptable for you? (and don’t go for a future case as example, if you incomes diverge further you can always revisit the situation)
I mean you offered, if he wants to split down the middle then so be it. His call. Your logic is sound, but if he feels better paying half then that’s okay too. That’s how it’s normally split when you live with other people. You don’t pay less because you make less. Your offer was very kind and thoughtful, but if he’s more comfortable with an even split, then just drop it.
If you continue to push for it, accusing him of being insecure in his masculinity and all that, then it does kinda seem like you’re trying to rub in his face that you make more lol.
But NTA, this is really just not a huge deal and not worth picking a fight over op. Just drop it and move on 😉
NTA. My wife and I put all of our wages into one bank account, it was used to pay for everything. There was no me or you, it was us. We are still together 31 years later. I suppose our spending habits were frugal and we always invested toward the success of our family.
NTA.
Have a joint account, call it the house account. You each put in your half, any money not used becomes savings for repairs and maintenance.
Edit. If paying half each gives you both enough left over every month. Just do that. Any unforseen house expense, work it out as and when. No point falling out over money.
Hmmm NTA or NAH I’m torn. On the one hand he’s kinda right. If he wants to pay more sure.
But. If it means he has to work more, that impacts your time with him. That impacts his availability to engage in fair and equal contribution to unpaid labor in the home (and studies show women disproportionately take this on which is a big factor in why they typically make less in jobs… they’re investing more time in unpaid labor at home so have less time to build careers). This could also mean he has less money with which to save for retirement, vacations, etc thus impacting your shared quality of life moving forward.
These are all serious issues to consider when making this decision.
And there’s also the mentality behind it, which to me is the most worrisome. If he’s threatened as a man by having his partner pay more because she makes more, how will that impact your relationship? And how he sees other gender roles including unpaid domestic labor, mental load, childcare if that’s something you two choose?
I would get real clarity about all these issues before finalizing the move. And if you’ve never lived together I would get really really clear on the domestic labor as well.
Even with a therapist for a few sessions. That may sound too much but this is a bigger issue than it might seem. (And honestly I think every could should have a few therapy sessions together before moving in together to really get clear and on the same page about the issues)
You also might want to get the book and cards fair play by louise hegarty and go through it together before moving in together.
It might just seem like it’s about money but it might be about his idea about gender roles and it’s best to know that now.
YTA. Why aren’t you two looking at it as the “house money”, not mine vs yours.
Together 6 yrs, moving in together.
I understand maybe not wanting to completely share or link finances yet if ever, but when you’re living together long term, planning “your” future together, everything becomes “ours”.
There’s no tit for tat in a healthy relationship.
It can also be easy to let one account boost savings and only spend from the other more often.
You could be the saver for big things for the house or holidays, he could be the spender for bills.
The money will end up going to the same bills and items anyway.
If you want your relationship to stay long term and not fall apart over finances you need to come to an agreement, but his reasoning isn’t wrong.
He just wants to be valued and pay his way.
Most men base their value on what they earn or can do/offer, but I as a woman did the same thing too.
It’s not a bad thing to want to show you care for your spouse by contributing.
NTA
He’s feeling embarrassed by your earning more than him… This could be a red flag for how he sees male/ female relationships so you need to keep an eye on this. However, spilt things the way he wants and save more of your own money.
YTA. Just let him pay.
10k more per year than him is honestly fuck all. You talk about your salary like you make 3 times his and pity him. It’s inconsequential. When you get older you’ll realize how insignificant your pay difference is.
Split it 50/50, and stop making it harder than it has to be.
Cool but since you’re paying more for the bills he’s responsible for more housework. Just like if it were the other way around… ya know?
NTA, but it’s his money so if he wants to match what you pay 1:1 let him. If you want you could take the extra you would have paid and put it in to a savings account for the two of you to use to plan a vacation or other luxury purchase. It’s win/win. He gets to contribute to bills 1:1 and you get to contribute proportionately extra to something for the two of you.
That’s your situation right now; things change. If you are together for the long haul, your income ratios may vary up & down. By splitting 50/50, as a couple, you’ll be in a better position to make & stay within a budget. Consider putting the “extra” percentage you earn away for savings. A couple hundred extra dollars saved per month will put you in a good position down the road
Making 10k more than he does a year could be a big difference or non at all. If he makes 30k and you make 40k that is massive. If he makes 100k and you make 110k then the difference does not matter anymore.
Overall I think your way is better. If he wants to pay more let him but make sure he knows that he can’t hold that against you in the future with comments like “well I have to pay so much more of my salary towards bills” or something.
NTA
NTA. He’s being weird and it’s probably an ego thing.
FYI my husband and I earn differently and we both put half put wages in the middle. It pays for the bills and the rest goes to joint savings for mortgage overpayments. Hubby’s logic is that we’re both putting half our effort financially in the middle and that makes it fair.
Me and my partner do 50% of our wages into joint account.
That account pays for mortgage, household bills, groceries and petrol.
What’s left over each month goes into a joint savings account for joint spending. So holidays/experiences/activities that we want to do together.
The money we have left over in our personal accounts is for whatever we want to do with it after personal bills (mobile phones, car insurance etc) as well as any date nights where we are treating the other person as it makes them feel more special as well as can be more of a surprise.
Means we can also treat ourselves without feeling guilty that we overspent because everything important is paid for.
NTA. Some men are still too proud to acknowledge that their partner makes more money than them. There’s likely some insecurity driving this, and it’s nothing you’ve done. I will freely admit my partner makes more money than I do, but we’ve split the bills in a way that’s fair to both of us. Sometimes she’s even offered to pay more to make it more equitable. I make more than enough to pay the bills and still have decent money left over
Why did you suggest that ? He wants to pay half let him . If he had an issue I would like to believe he would come to you about it
Save what you think he should not be paying and buy those little girly things that change a house to a home , he won’t even notice and you will have saved a fight
And no matter how the world is now he wants to provide for you and you took that away from him
But I don’t think you an asshole I think you just didn’t think men are simple let us be simple and you will reap the benifits
NTA he’s just insecure. Be aware though that this could affect you a lot more often in how you live your life. He might base everything on what he can afford, and if you say you’ll pay, he’ll get butt hurt. This could affect your leisure time activities, eating out, holidays, etc. Things change a lot when you live together.
Equally vs Equitably, he’s arguing so he ends up with less, presumably to……be the man. You could do something like put the difference in a money market account or something…? idk. Dude is dude’ing.
ESH. This doesn’t bode well for a good partnership going forward. You’ve been together an awfully long time to still be in the yours/mine mindset, especially if you’re arguing about a future situation that isn’t even a reality yet. Using words like “idiot” about someone you love is a 🚩too.
NTA.
I think it’s a good solution. That way you are paying more but it still feels equal due to the wage disparity.
My husband and I keep separate finances. We each pay 50% of the mortgage (in the event we do split we each get 50% equity) however he pays the majority of the bills, we have a 70/30 split and he pays for internet and any streaming services (id rather read than watch tv so wasn’t bothered about them).
Our total bills are around £500 a month for gas, electric, water and council tax, so I pay circa £150 and he pays £350. It works for us as he earns more than I do.
It’s an adult conversation that’s needed and obviously finances are a sensitive subject. Perhaps suggest something like we have, 50% rent each but bills can be split differently?
Bring him by my burger stand. You can get the 1/3 lb burger for $3.00 while he orders the 1/4 pounder for $4.00.