I (20F) have been dating my boyfriend (20M) for a year and a half, and we’ve lived together for about 8 months. We met in college. I’m from a town 30 minutes from campus, while he’s from a state that’s 10 hours away. Right now we live in a shared apartment with 3 other people. I’m not on the lease just listed as an occupant.
Our lease is ending soon, and everyone agreed not to renew because we’re going in different directions (no drama, just life stuff). My boyfriend, my best friend (also one of our current roommates), and I decided to find a new place together.
Here’s where it gets weird, my boyfriend left the state to work for the summer. He’s been gone for weeks. In that time, my friend and I have been doing literally everything searching for places, contacting landlords, scheduling viewings, handling all the logistics. He came back in town for less than a week, mostly to try and sign something or view a few spots, but we still haven’t locked down a place.
While he was here, we were joking around, and he made some dumb comment about cuddling with the boys (like one of those “I kiss my homies goodnight” things), and I joked, “Cheat on me and I’ll leave your ass.” Just being playful. Then he seriously said, “Well, if we break up, you’ll be the one moving out your family’s right down the road.” At the time, I kind of brushed it off, because it made sense logistically but now it’s bothering me.
Later, we were talking about how to handle utilities and rent, and he insisted on putting everything in his name “just in case” so he wouldn’t end up in a bad position if something happened. Again, that rubbed me the wrong way. Especially because he’s the one who’s been gone, doing zero work, and I’m the one who’s been finding us a place and will be the one moving our stuff in.
So now I’m thinking if we break up, he wants to be in full control of the lease and bills, and I’d be the one who gets screwed even though I’m the one making this move happen. He gets to come home to a done deal and a fully set-up apartment, and I could end up back with my parents.
I get that I have family nearby, but that doesn’t mean it’s fair. I’m doing all the legwork, and yet I’m the one with no security if things go south?
So AITA for feeling like I shouldn’t be the one to leave in that situation?
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I (20F) have been dating my boyfriend (20M) for a year and a half, and we’ve lived together for about 8 months. We met in college. I’m from a town 30 minutes from campus, while he’s from a state that’s 10 hours away. Right now we live in a shared apartment with 3 other people. I’m not on the lease just listed as an occupant.
Our lease is ending soon, and everyone agreed not to renew because we’re going in different directions (no drama, just life stuff). My boyfriend, my best friend (also one of our current roommates), and I decided to find a new place together.
Here’s where it gets weird, my boyfriend left the state to work for the summer. He’s been gone for weeks. In that time, my friend and I have been doing literally everything searching for places, contacting landlords, scheduling viewings, handling all the logistics. He came back in town for less than a week, mostly to try and sign something or view a few spots, but we still haven’t locked down a place.
While he was here, we were joking around, and he made some dumb comment about cuddling with the boys (like one of those “I kiss my homies goodnight” things), and I joked, “Cheat on me and I’ll leave your ass.” Just being playful. Then he seriously said, “Well, if we break up, you’ll be the one moving out your family’s right down the road.” At the time, I kind of brushed it off, because it made sense logistically but now it’s bothering me.
Later, we were talking about how to handle utilities and rent, and he insisted on putting everything in his name “just in case” so he wouldn’t end up in a bad position if something happened. Again, that rubbed me the wrong way. Especially because he’s the one who’s been gone, doing zero work, and I’m the one who’s been finding us a place and will be the one moving our stuff in.
So now I’m thinking if we break up, he wants to be in full control of the lease and bills, and I’d be the one who gets screwed even though I’m the one making this move happen. He gets to come home to a done deal and a fully set-up apartment, and I could end up back with my parents.
I get that I have family nearby, but that doesn’t mean it’s fair. I’m doing all the legwork, and yet I’m the one with no security if things go south?
So AITA for feeling like I shouldn’t be the one to leave in that situation?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the asshole because, yeah, my parents live only 30 minutes away and I know he doesn’t have that kind of safety net. I get that. But I still don’t think it’s fair that I’d be the one expected to move out if things ended—especially when I’m the one doing all the work to find us a place and get everything set up. He’d just come back to a fully handled situation and still get to call the shots? That feels really one-sided, and maybe I’m being unfair for feeling that way.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Yeah this doesnt sound like a good scenario. Talk to your friend about just the two of you being on the lease. And talk to the boyfriend about expectations.
Nta – it’s weird. Don’t do it
I understand his point about wanting to ensure he has a place to live if you two don’t work out since he’s far from home, but does he expect to live with your best friend if your relationship ends? That’s…odd. Putting everything in his name gives up too much control over the situation. It seems you two do not need to be together if there’s this much mistrust in the relationship.
NTA
From solely this information, he sounds a bit controlling. He shouldn’t be outwardly making preparations “just in case.” He should be making plans WITH you. Not against you.
You are totally in the right for feeling more ownership of your place, if he wants to make just in case plans, he can do that by himself, with his own effort. Don’t let stuff be under only his name.
So many red flags… Break up now, and thank him for showing you in time who he really is. The three of you living together wouldn’t be working either.
NTA if you do all the work in finding a place put it in your name. If he doesn’t like it, he can do the work of finding his own place.
You’ve already broken up with each other in your mind. Just say it out loud and break up with him. You’re in a great place to move in with your friend without him.
NTA this is weird. I get he could have just had the thought in his head due to the bantering and got serious from it but the timing is just off. Not saying he’s intending to cheat or already has. But that level of control from a joke would make me pause.
I get he wants to secure something but the scenario is weird. If you guys break up he just lives with your friend? And whoever else?
I’d talk to whatever landlord you guys end up going with. You and your friend should be on the lease. But see if he can maybe have some kind of security himself?
Idk, this all feels off. I’d be feeling a red flag. You guys were bantering. Cheating is about betraying trust. He suddenly gets serious about trust that stems from your comment/joke about him cheating… doesn’t feel good. Just feels weirdly defensive.
NTA. These are so many red flags!! One utility should be enough, you guys can split those. That way “everyone is secure” or whatever his BS reasoning was
NTA sounds like 1. he is cheating on you 2. he plans to break up with you and 3. he’s using you to sort out his housing situation before he says goodbye.
Something’s off here.
He’s already making plans for if… when you break up? And he’d stay living with your best friend? What does your best friend think of all this? There’a third wheel in this arrangement, and I’d be interested in hearing what their thoughts are.
At this point, I’d say if you’re doing the work, equally contributing, he doesn’t get to decide who leaves in the event of a breakup unless you let him. Don’t let him have full control of everything. Your name needs to be on whatever you’re signing for and paying. He doesn’t like it, explain that while he is concerned about the breakup logistics, you’re concerned about ensuring your current situation is taken care of. If he’s not comfortable relinquishing control and is focusing on the breakup logistics, ask him why. Be wary, something stinky is afoot if his only reasoning is what would happen if you two break up.
NTA
YTA for living with a boyfriend just to save money. I know times are hard, but moving in together is supposed to be a form of commitment, not just convenience. He’s not committed to you. You need to have your own space. If you can’t afford to live alone, at least have your own room. I don’t get how casual young people are about this. Grow up and learn to take care of yourself. This isn’t about sex. Have all you want. But growing up means providing for yourself.
He’s planning to dump you.
NTA, you should both be on the lease but it sounds you both are thinking about breaking up too much
Nta i would tell him he’s not moving in. You and your best friend can find a third roommate if you need to or it can just be the two of it. Also even if you break up he can’t just kick you out so if you do decide to go through with this just kno that. But you shouldn’t even put yourself in that position.
NTA. I was just leaning towards “he’s likely planning to end your relationship”, but now I have a new question.
INFO: How would your best friend feel about you moving out at living with your ex-boyfriend? Have you asked her?
If her reaction is “no, I don’t want to live with just him, that would be weird”, then I’d make sure the lease/utilities are at least partially in your name.
If her reaction is “I’d be ok with living with him if you moved out”, then I’d start to wonder if there’s already something going on between your boyfriend and your best friend. If that’s the case, don’t sign a damn thing, stop doing any work, and don’t move in with them.
Don’t move in with him. Then problem is over. You are all young and it’s going to go bad.
NTA. Break up now, he’s using you so his expenses are cheaper.