My mother is in a financial bind at the moment. She is currently going through a divorce with my Father who has been the bread winner their entire relationship. She wants to move out and start fresh. This has caused my Mother who has no money to reach out to me to cover her bills.
I’ve covered her cell phone bill and I am in the process of moving her wireless account over to mine. I’ve also paid her attorney fees for consultations.
I’ve told her that I would cover her rent for a new place so she can get on her feet. She was very grateful about this. However, it became clear that there were other things that would need to be paid for. Things like gas, food, utilities, etc. Further she wants to live in a really nice place that’s going to be around $3,000 a month (it’s a small town so $3,000 gets you a nice place).
I did tell her that I would be fine covering her rent for a new place but I would like to see her get a job to pay for her other bills. She didn’t take this very well. She told me that since she is in her mid 50’s she shouldn’t have to work a $10 an hour job. Instead she’s pressuring me to give her money to start a business selling things on WhatNot. I told her this was not a good idea and she should focus on her mental health first. I told her starting any sort of business right now is such a bad idea.
She is very against getting any sort of job but I told her that it’s a non-negotiable for me to pay her rent. She’s very upset that I would even bring it up. AITA?
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My mother is in a financial bind at the moment. She is currently going through a divorce with my Father who has been the bread winner their entire relationship. She wants to move out and start fresh. This has caused my Mother who has no money to reach out to me to cover her bills.
I’ve covered her cell phone bill and I am in the process of moving her wireless account over to mine. I’ve also paid her attorney fees for consultations.
I’ve told her that I would cover her rent for a new place so she can get on her feet. She was very grateful about this. However, it became clear that there were other things that would need to be paid for. Things like gas, food, utilities, etc. Further she wants to live in a really nice place that’s going to be around $3,000 a month (it’s a small town so $3,000 gets you a nice place).
I did tell her that I would be fine covering her rent for a new place but I would like to see her get a job to pay for her other bills. She didn’t take this very well. She told me that since she is in her mid 50’s she shouldn’t have to work a $10 an hour job. Instead she’s pressuring me to give her money to start a business selling things on WhatNot. I told her this was not a good idea and she should focus on her mental health first. I told her starting any sort of business right now is such a bad idea.
She is very against getting any sort of job but I told her that it’s a non-negotiable for me to pay her rent. She’s very upset that I would even bring it up. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my mother that I think she should get a job before I paid her rent at a new place. It might make me look like an asshole because it could be seen as callous to not support my mother during this difficult time. I understand what my mother is saying about working a job for a low wage but I also think she’s being a little entitled. I don’t know.
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INFO: Why did she move out? How old are you? Does she have other children?
NAH. If she’s been a SAHM to a high paying man for years, she may be due alimony.
Nope. Not your problem. Let her figure it out and don’t fund the foolishness. Sometimes we just have to let people fail so they wake up.
NTA. Beggers can’t be choosers.
NTA,
First of all.. she should be getting half out of the divorce, so make sure that’s being handled fairly.
In any case, she can’t expect not to work – that’s her new reality and it appears she’s just looking to lean almost entirely on you, which will come at great expense to your future. It’s just not on.
>Instead she’s pressuring me to give her money to start a business selling things on WhatNot.
Don’t do that. It shouldn’t take a bunch of capital and that’s a side hustle she should build whilst covering herself with a day job. Whilst these things can succeed in time, plenty don’t and it could well turn into a little fantasy that never makes anything close to a living wage whilst acting as an excuse not to get a day job. I know a guy in this boat whose brother lost his job and moved in with him. He refuses to look for jobs and lives a Peter Pan lifestyle of my friend’s buck playing with businesses that never go anywhere and quite frankly never will.
>She is very against getting any sort of job but I told her that it’s a non-negotiable for me to pay her rent.
Stick to your guns here. Your mother needs her reality check sooner rather than later.
Tell her you can help her for six months. Find out if she will be getting alimony.
She might be waiting for the divorce to be over before she gets a job. Ask her. Tell her no way can she depend on you to support her.
At mid-50, she has fifteen more full-time working years. Tell her to get a job at a company that deals with money like major investment firms, because she might meet a second husband who doesn’t need her to help with bills.
NTA – stop paying! This is between her and your dad and their lawyers! Your dad will likely need to pay alimony/spousal support and child support. This is their problem, not yours. Gracefully step back and let their lawyers handle it. Your mother may well need to suck it up and get herself a job whether she likes it or not. DO NOT support her or you’ll never get out from it!
I’m more concerned at why you would spend $3000/mo for rent in a ‘small town’ for a single person. My 3 bedroom house in a major city’s suburb costs less than that in rent. If you’re willing to fork that out, why not just get a modest sized $1500/mo and give her an allowance? (I think she should work for her own expenses, but I just don’t understand why you would pay so much for a place for a single person).
Mommy needs to learn about the big bad world of independence. Stop paying for her life. That’s her responsibility.
NTA. She needs to learn to be reliant on herself rather than others. Is she has been a SAHM, many women return to the workplace or create entrepreneurial ventures once there is no one at home that requires constant oversight. There is a possibility for alimony, but many judges will tell someone in your mom’s position that they are capable of working and therefore she needs to get a job.
NTA. Single mothers work if they want to take care of their kids and their bills. Her being in her 50s doesn’t matter. People are working into their 70s and she can to. If that is 10 dollar a hour than she better get to it. Some money is more than no money. What did she do before she married your father? What about alimony? Will she be getting it or child support? It’s great that you want to help her and you asking her to get a job to help out to shouldn’t be a problem, but it really sounds like your mother is trying to make you her unofficial husband that will now take care of her. This isn’t nice to say, but she could have just stayed in her unhappy marriage if all she wanted was someone to continue to take care of her since she doesn’t want to take care of herself.
NTA. She needs to request alimony for at least a transitional period, and get a job, any job, ASAP.
She also needs to be realistic about her future budget. Unless you plan on paying her rent forever, 3000 a month is incredibly difficult to justify outside of a few high cost cities and Hawaii. No entry level job is going to pay her nearly enough to ever be able to afford that rent plus other expenses.
NTA She has no intention of ever getting a job and will mooch off you for the rest of your life if you let her. Shouldn’t she be getting half your father’s assets or is there an ironclad prenup or something? She needs to get a job (if she can – with that attitude she might have a hard time finding work).
You need to start saying no She’s going to make a scene and say nasty things about you This is a hill I would die on You’ll be supporting her , paying her bills till who knows when Does she get alimony?
NTA – you need to set expectations on what aid you are able to pay, and whether or not one has to work a low-paid job depends far more on whether one needs money than on one’s age.
It might be a good idea to get her to meet with a credit counsellor. They don’t sell financial products like consolidation loans, they advise anyone who is having trouble with budgeting and money (although advice debt is a big part of their job). These people may have different titles elsewhere; around here, their services are free through non-profit groups. Your mother may not listen to you when you say she’s going to need to bring in some cash and can’t afford the expensive apartment, but she may listen to a stranger who is an expert on the subject pointing out the same thing. Maybe go to the first meeting with her to make sure everyone knows what you can and cannot afford to give her.
Sometimes divorce lawyers can direct clients to people with similar expertise, and of course her divorce lawyer should advise on what if anything she can expect as part of the divorce.
Don’t pay a damn cent until she gets a job! No job, no help!
Nope. Help her maybe 1 or 2 months. Tops. She needs to get a job. It’s called reality. Her lawyer can go after alimony. He husband, if he isn’t paying her yet, can be held responsible for back maintenance too. She can also sell possessions. Jewlery. Etc. Show her spreadsheet of bills, income. A job will also help her with other people& her mental health while she is getting divorced.
I’m sorry. Did you miss type or is you mother actually in her 50s? Minimum wage is not 10, hell at a phone job she could pull 20 + to ask people how they like orange juice from her lounger. You’re about to drop down the rabbit hole and there will be no mad hatter to talk sense. She’s using you as a defacto partner. It will be a rough transition, but if you sign this inviolable invisible contract her expectations will only grow. Really think what you’re signing up for. It will be DECADES!
NTA. Your selfish mom will bankrupt you without a second thought if you let her; I mean, 3 grand a month for an apartment when she knows she wouldn’t be paying for it??? Right off the bat that should have set off your alarm bells. Tell mom you’ll pay for her for three months maximum on the grounds she finds someplace cheaper to live, but that after that it’s on her. She’ll be getting alimony, let her live off that. And whatever you do, DON’T let her move in with you!
NTA. She lucky to have you honestly.
Unless you want to pay for your mother for the rest of her life, which could be 20+ years, you need to shut this down. Tell your mom you’ll cover 6 months on a 1bed standard apartment and at that point she’ll have to have a job that can cover all her expenses. And then follow through. If the only jobs she qualifies for will only pay for a bare minimum studio then consider offering the difference between a studio and a 1bed. Under no circumstances should you give your mom a blank check subsidy of her life
What country are you in? In North America, she has legal entitlements to the matrimonial estate, whether your dad handled financials or not. Plus, child support for the minor children. Why isn’t this happening?
She can live 40 more years. She can’t tell you how to spend your money to support her in style all that time. She’s a grown up who needs to get a real plan, not make her kid pay.
NTA