I am black woman, this is important. I worked in a nursing home. About 8 hours into my 12 hour shift, my head nurse and I were cleaning up a residents blowout. It was everywhere. The toilet, the walls, the bed, the floor. It took us a while to clean everything up. Aftewards, we were talking and suddenly, my head nurse reaches to touch my hair. She still has gloves on. You know, the gloves she used to just clean the biggest blowout we had seen all month? Yea. She goes: Your hair is so cute! It was like I was in the matrix and everything froze. This is where I may be the asshole. I side step and swat her hand away. It is important to note that my hand did not make contact with hers. I swatted the air next to her gloved, dirty hand. I then said: Dont touch my hair. I didnt scream or yell. I didn’t even whisper scream. It was just a stern statement, if that makes any sense. My head nurses immediate reaction was to simply say: “Ok.” And walk away. I thought nothing of it (other than why she thought that was an ok thing to do) and continued on with my shift. The next night, my head nurses supervisor, my boss’ boss, came in. Turns out my head nurse told her boss that I, “Hit her for complimenting my hair.” I told my boss’s boss that was a lie and told the real story. It was obvious she either didnt believe me or didn’t care. Boss’ boss said that I need to learn how to take a compliment and not be so mean. As a black woman, I’ve always been told this for simply being quiet. And for some reason, as I am very shy, I told her off, in my own, shy way. I told her that I wasnt being mean. That my head nurse was the one out of line. I said, Im not a dog or animal that is to be pet. If she liked my hair, she should have said just that and kept her hands to herself. I remember how big her eyes got, because I’ve never spoken like this. This situation ended with me getting written up. I tried to fight it, but because it was my one and only write up, it really had no effect on me. I quit that job a few weeks later. Now at my new job, I recalled this story to a co-worker yesterday, laughing a bit. My co-worker, who is a white woman, didn’t find it funny. She wondered why I had a problem with her touching my hair, and why most black women feel the same over “a simple gesture”. I explained to her, almost exactly what I said to my ex Boss. She said that it was still a jerk move because the head nurse was just being nice. I got frustrated and walked away. I shouldn’t have had to even explain why me and other black women dont want to be pet like a dog. Since then, she has been standoffish. So, I thought I’d post this on here. Was I the asshole for how I handled it?
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I am black woman, this is important. I worked in a nursing home. About 8 hours into my 12 hour shift, my head nurse and I were cleaning up a residents blowout. It was everywhere. The toilet, the walls, the bed, the floor. It took us a while to clean everything up. Aftewards, we were talking and suddenly, my head nurse reaches to touch my hair. She still has gloves on. You know, the gloves she used to just clean the biggest blowout we had seen all month? Yea. She goes: Your hair is so cute! It was like I was in the matrix and everything froze. This is where I may be the asshole. I side step and swat her hand away. It is important to note that my hand did not make contact with hers. I swatted the air next to her gloved, dirty hand. I then said: Dont touch my hair. I didnt scream or yell. I didn’t even whisper scream. It was just a stern statement, if that makes any sense. My head nurses immediate reaction was to simply say: “Ok.” And walk away. I thought nothing of it (other than why she thought that was an ok thing to do) and continued on with my shift. The next night, my head nurses supervisor, my boss’ boss, came in. Turns out my head nurse told her boss that I, “Hit her for complimenting my hair.” I told my boss’s boss that was a lie and told the real story. It was obvious she either didnt believe me or didn’t care. Boss’ boss said that I need to learn how to take a compliment and not be so mean. As a black woman, I’ve always been told this for simply being quiet. And for some reason, as I am very shy, I told her off, in my own, shy way. I told her that I wasnt being mean. That my head nurse was the one out of line. I said, Im not a dog or animal that is to be pet. If she liked my hair, she should have said just that and kept her hands to herself. I remember how big her eyes got, because I’ve never spoken like this. This situation ended with me getting written up. I tried to fight it, but because it was my one and only write up, it really had no effect on me. I quit that job a few weeks later. Now at my new job, I recalled this story to a co-worker yesterday, laughing a bit. My co-worker, who is a white woman, didn’t find it funny. She wondered why I had a problem with her touching my hair, and why most black women feel the same over “a simple gesture”. I explained to her, almost exactly what I said to my ex Boss. She said that it was still a jerk move because the head nurse was just being nice. I got frustrated and walked away. I shouldn’t have had to even explain why me and other black women dont want to be pet like a dog. Since then, she has been standoffish. So, I thought I’d post this on here. Was I the asshole for how I handled it?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) Swatting at my head nurse hand because she was about to touch my hair.
2. My new co-worker is being standoffish because she believes my head nurse was just being nice.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. She should have kept her hands to herself regardless, but the dirty gloves made it much worse. And she wasn’t being “nice.” Maybe her words were nice but the actions weren’t.
NTA not even one percent. The head nurse — and her supporters — were entirely in the wrong. So much so that you could probably make some money on this if you wanted to sue them for harassment or hostile work environment or racial discrimination or whatever. And the white woman in the new place, well… Anyone with half a brain and half a heart would permit a black woman to teach them about why it’s not okay to touch the hair of a black woman without permission. Let her be stand-offish, this person is not trustworthy.
NTA. I hate when people touch my hair
Your head nurse didn’t try to compliment you, she tried to touch you. That’s a completely different thing. Compliments don’t involve gloved hands that just wiped feces off a wall. Compliments don’t require personal space invasions. And let’s be real: you’re a young Black woman in a job where people already assume you’re aggressive if you so much as look mildly annoyed. And even then, you responded calmly, clearly, and without even making contact. The fact that you still got written up just shows how badly people want Black women to “be nice” at the cost of their own boundaries and dignity. NTA
I don’t believe the last part of this story.
“My co-worker, who is a white woman, didn’t find it funny. She wondered why I had a problem with her touching my hair,”
Unless this white woman is incredibly stupid, even she should understand why you didn’t want to be touched with a poop glove.
The whole thing about you being a black woman, not wanting to be pet, etc is completely irrelevant. She tried to touch you with a poop glove. OBVIOUSLY that is not okay. I would even support you actually touching her to swat her hand away.
NTA one time at a work meeting the Mgr mentioned that the receptionist did not like to be touched and anyone who was doing it please stop. The person that was doing it didn’t realize it was her until she stopped herself in mid gesture to touch the receptionists shoulder. She came into back room wide-eyed and told what she had just realized.
What she did Not do is get defensive! She purposely changed her habit of touching her coworker after that. Easy peasy. Your old boss and both coworkers are wrong.
NTA. When will people learn that this is inappropriate at best, racist at worst? Do they touch white people’s hair? Let alone wearing a shit covered glove. I mean.
NTA Man fuck these people lol I’m sorry you have to deal with that
Why on earth anyone thinks touching/petting any other person is okay, I do not understand! The only possible exceptions to stroke/pet someone’s hair would be someone you’re in a relationship with or your own young child…that’s it. People these days are just nutso!
NTA. You handled it well. I am so sorry that your former coworker lied about your reaction and then you weren’t listened to. I’m confused how your current coworker didn’t get grossed out by the dirty gloves part if nothing else. It’s probably fine if she’s not your new bestie.
Various dog breeds have different ideas of space. A Lab or Golden has no problems being on top of other dogs or people as they have zero sense of space. Meanwhile, herding dogs, like Border Collies, insist on lots of space, because they use space to work.
Most Americans are like herding dogs – we demand a lot of personal space when standing with friends, walking down the street, or even in an elevator. I haven’t had an adult reach out and touch my hair since I was in elementary school. The only times people have touched my hair, it’s been a child I have a relationship with or someone I am dating.
What that woman did was a gross overstep. The fact she was literally wearing shitty gloves makes it even worse.
You did NOTHING wrong and I am sorry if shitty people out there just don’t get it.
We are taught from a young age to keep your hands to yourself. I don’t understand why anyone would do that, especially in a professional setting.
Dude. What the fuck is wrong with people. NTA, and from the bottom of my heart I apologise for all the stupid, pig-ignorant white people who have done stupid, stupid, offensive shit like this. I don’t know what is wrong with us, seriously.
I have never touched someone out of the blue like that. I don’t touch people’s hair. I don’t touch people’s clothes. I sure as shit don’t touch people’s pregnant bellies. Just don’t fucking touch people unless they are your family or your good friend and you have that relationship! It’s so fucking easy to NOT TOUCH PEOPLE.
As a white woman, my response would have been the same. I don’t like anyone touching my hair. Messes up my curls and makes them frizzy and ugly looking. If it isn’t yours, don’t touch it!
NTA. I wish you could have taken it higher. I’d go on the offensive with this new person too. I’d be prepared for her to create some issues.
NTA
I am white and work in Healthcare. My hair is dyed a fantasy color. The nurses who work around me, most who i don’t know, think for some reason it is okay to touch my hair without asking as they compliment it.
You are not in the wrong
NTA
She was a nurse, wearing a dirty, shitty glove. I’m surprised with all her training that she tried to touch you at all. And then had the audacity to get offended by it? Like why did the mistake she made not immediately register? And why was it not registering to any of the other health professionals? Why were they jumping all over you for being “sensitive” and “not being able to take a compliment?” That’s just wild!
NTA. no one should ever touch anyone else without permission in any circumstances, and the fact that you are a black woman and she was wearing a shit-tainted glove just tips the whole thing right over into “absolutely fucking not” territory.
You are NTA. I don’t mind if someone touches my hair. It is always accompanied with a compliment usually about my natural curls. Luckily no one ever tried to touch my hair with a poopy glove. That is nasty and not ok. But in general…a woman touching another woman’s hair is pretty normal to me.
NTA. First off: she had dirty ass gloves on??? Who wants to be touched anywhere with that. Second: I’m white so I do not know how it feels for you in regards of you being a black woman but as a white one I hate being touched anywhere except for some people that’s close to me. I like my personal space very much and do not want random people touching my body anywhere.
NTA. I am sorry you dealt with such clueless people who had no sense. You do not owe the ladies explanations about why they shouldn’t touch you but I am sorry you had to explain at all. I have curly hair and its long and when I was younger, it was very fair. People wanted to touch my hair like I was a goat in a petting zoo. But solidly, firmly NO THANKS.
NTA. That was a disgusting thing to do. Do not put your hands on anyone. A compliment is saying “You’re hair is cute”. Harassment is unwanted touching. I don’t care what your race. No one has the right to touch you without consent. Good for you for standing up for yourself. Would her supervisor have appreciated having her touch her while wearing gloves she just cleaned up feces with? Glad you are out of there.
Nobody should be touching anyone else without consent!
NTA. At all. When I was a teenager I had very long, thick, shiny hair, and the number of people who thought it was okay to just walk up behind me and stroke my hair is insane. It’s not a compliment. It’s invasive and upsetting.
NTA
And I don’t understand why this is such a difficult concept for people. Keep your hands to yourself!
I am white and would not want a dirty gloved hand touching my hair.
You stated black women do not like their hair touched, like its common knowledge. It isn’t to me, and I sincerely want to know why?
Definitely NTA. I’m a white woman. I cannot remember the last time another adult touched my hair out of the blue. That’s a very intimate gesture, and should be reserved for family (or someone who is close enough that they feel like family).
And with a filthy glove? Oh no. No no no.
NTA. Even if she didn’t have shitty hands she shouldn’t have been trying to pet your hair.
NTA. The next time they say “it’s just a compliment” reply with “I love compliments. I don’t love being assaulted. Assault is defined as unwanted touching.”