so i’m part of a dept at a large company that’s going through a restructure. the boss i had before april was the one who hired me on about 4 years ago. he and i havent been super close or buddy-buddy, but professional and mostly alright from a relationship standpoint. he went overseas for vacation for 3 weeks and while he was gone, i was changed to a different team, reporting to a new person. he knew this was coming though, and talked about it before he left. that last meeting that i reported to him for, i thanked him for the coaching, guidance, and hiring me.
when he got back we had a meeting that started ok. started out talking a little about his trip and it was kinda surface level. both talked up how much we like prague. he then asked how things were going here and i said good and was kinda talking when he jumped in and pretty much took over. he said he felt that i just cut ties far too abruptly and it made it seem like i was throwing out the relationship he and i had. just like it was the end of some kind of transaction. i feel bad i made him feel that way so i was apologizing and validating his feelings, which he kept following up with “my feelings aren’t hurt. it just felt really….slimy”
he was like “i’m your stakeholder here at this company. i hired you, promoted you, gave you coaching….for it to all just be cut off one morning felt like you were just throwing it all out like it was nothing” or something to that effect. what he’s referring to is basically this: soon after my new boss started, i canceled my PTO off his calendar (figured it’s clutter he’d be happy to be rid of) and revoked the permission for him to view my calendar, and eventually (not day 1) asked if i should still be attending his staff meeting since i’m not technically his staff. that’s it. so i was very surprised and caught off guard and it was very confusing because according to him all my actions were hurtful and slimy and unprofessional. add to it when i’d apologize or say id attend the meetings, he’d say “my feelings arent hurt” and “i dont care if you come or not” soo….
but i do legit feel bad. i dont want him to feel cast aside like i dont care or that i’m not appreciative. he was also upset they did this transition while he was overseas with no meetings or discussions about a transfer or anything, but as an individual contributor i guess i dont think that’s my problem; that my new boss and old boss or their bosses would arrange that. AITH for how i took those administrative steps in my email account without talking to him? was i being slimy?
Edit for clarity. I did not request this move nor was I promoted
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team
so i’m part of a dept at a large company that’s going through a restructure. the boss i had before april was the one who hired me on about 4 years ago. he and i havent been super close or buddy-buddy, but professional and mostly alright from a relationship standpoint. he went overseas for vacation for 3 weeks and while he was gone, i was changed to a different team, reporting to a new person. he knew this was coming though, and talked about it before he left. that last meeting that i reported to him for, i thanked him for the coaching, guidance, and hiring me.
when he got back we had a meeting that started ok. started out talking a little about his trip and it was kinda surface level. both talked up how much we like prague. he then asked how things were going here and i said good and was kinda talking when he jumped in and pretty much took over. he said he felt that i just cut ties far too abruptly and it made it seem like i was throwing out the relationship he and i had. just like it was the end of some kind of transaction. i feel bad i made him feel that way so i was apologizing and validating his feelings, which he kept following up with “my feelings aren’t hurt. it just felt really….slimy”
he was like “i’m your stakeholder here at this company. i hired you, promoted you, gave you coaching….for it to all just be cut off one morning felt like you were just throwing it all out like it was nothing” or something to that effect. what he’s referring to is basically this: soon after my new boss started, i canceled my PTO off his calendar (figured it’s clutter he’d be happy to be rid of) and revoked the permission for him to view my calendar, and eventually (not day 1) asked if i should still be attending his staff meeting since i’m not technically his staff. that’s it. so i was very surprised and caught off guard and it was very confusing because according to him all my actions were hurtful and slimy and unprofessional. add to it when i’d apologize or say id attend the meetings, he’d say “my feelings arent hurt” and “i dont care if you come or not” soo….
but i do legit feel bad. i dont want him to feel cast aside like i dont care or that i’m not appreciative. he was also upset they did this transition while he was overseas with no meetings or discussions about a transfer or anything, but as an individual contributor i guess i dont think that’s my problem; that my new boss and old boss or their bosses would arrange that. AITH for how i took those administrative steps in my email account without talking to him? was i being slimy?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1…i removed my pto from my old boss’s calendar, revoked view permissions, and asked if I should attend meetings of his.
2…boss said it seemed slimy and I was just cutting ties and throwing out our relationship.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. The same boss would’ve fired you without any warning if you did something wrong, so why do you owe anything to him?
NTA. Sounds like your old boss caught feelings but won’t admit it. You handled the handover like a pro, polite, thanked him, didn’t ghost him.
Tidying up your calendar and asking about meetings is just practical stuff, not a betrayal. He’s acting like you dumped him by text. Not slimy, just standard. Bit dramatic on his end, tbh.
NTA this is absolutely wild. Also doesn’t IT handle who can see your calendar? I’ve never worked in a place I could do that. He’s very unprofessional.
NTA. Unless this was a transfer you asked for, why is he blaming you for it? He should have fought to keep you on his team.
IMO he’s just kicking the cat. He might be annoyed/angry at the switch over and is taking it out on you.
When you switch teams, you really do have a new boss. You can talk to your old boss, like friends even, but he does not approve your PTO, give you assignments, offer you raises anymore. That’s all your new boss’ responsibility.
He has a crush on you, and it’s not cool. Gross
NTA your old boss is being incredibly unprofessional. He’s making it sound like you dumped him when you simply changed teams. A good boss would encourage movement within the company. I would continue to be as professional as you have been. But, start documenting his weird behavior toward you.
NTA, it seems he was seeing the “relationship” in a different light than you (and that what it really was), or he expected some type of gratitude and a more emotional or slow/reticent transition
NTA.
Think Higgins from Ted Lasso put it best when he said “a good team leader will hope you move on, a great one knows you will”
NTA. He’s definitely trying to guilt you into still helping him out from time to time.
NTA!
If your old boss knew you were being transferred, what did he expect? Did he think the company would wait until he returned from vacation? Did he want to be the one to introduce you to the new boss? Regardless of those answers, there wasn’t anything you could do about the situation. It seems to me that his anger is with the company more than you.
If he’s no longer your boss, why would he think he should be able to approve your PTA, or be able to see your calendar anymore? And, the fact that he keeps telling you his feelings aren’t hurt, but he keeps complaining about it . . . that seems to me that he’s TA, because he wants to keep making you feel bad.
The next time he brings it up, I suggest telling him to talk to his boss, or HR, or whoever put in your transfer about this, because it wasn’t anything you had control over.
NTA. This boss is acting more like this was an emotional/romantic entanglement than a business relationship. I’d be creeped out by this behaviour. It might be worth cluing in HR, just to cover yourself in case this creepy behaviour escalates.
NTA. You acted within business normal. My guess is that he’s gotten used to the dynamic and having your calendar off his view was a stark reminder of the change. It may also be part of an overall push for him to leave the company and he can lash down at you much easier than up at his superiors.
NTA, you have every right to do so and you aren’t obligated to your former boss nor are you in an form of friendship with him and he shouldn’t have pressured you like that, you’ve done the right choice in doing so
As everyone else is already saying, NTA.
This might be off base, but is there a chance your old boss is attracted to you? Again, this is a potentially wild question, but I’m covering all the bases, in case.
NTA. He is confusing professional relationships with personal ones. His behavior is wildly unprofessional and frankly very strange. If he acts weird to you in a way that could damage your work or standing in the company, you may want to loop your real boss in.
You weren’t offered a choice. You didn’t apply for the move. It was not a move you were told that you could decline.
“I was not offered a choice. You told me I was moving, so for all I knew it was your idea. What should I have done differently?”
he treats you like you are his possession. You are not. You are a person and an asset for the company, not for him. NTA