My GF and I have been together for 5+ years. We have lived together for 4 years and we have 4 kids. (3 from her previous and 1 together).
We live together and split expenses. I give her $800 cash biweekly to cover my part of the rent/utilities. She has not worked since the end of October so her only source of income is child support from the child support benefits from the government, the child support payments from the other dad and the money I give her.
I am struggling to pay the household bills, my bills plus taking the family on just my income. I’m basically living paycheck to paycheck and stressing to provide. I work almost 90 hours a pay period and it’s not still enough to keep up on my own.
She has been battling a cocaine and alcohol addiction. She was sober from 2017-2024. Late 2024 she fell of the sober wagon hard. Almost daily usage for 5 months now. I figure she spent over $16,000 to feed her addiction. She’s been taking from her savings to pay for the coke and booze.
I know it’s stealing and I have so much regret about it but I have taken cash from her purse to help pay for groceries or supplies for the family, without telling her. She found out recently and lost her mind on me. Saying that theft is theft and she’s going into debt because of me, completely ignoring the fact that she’s snorted almost $20,000. She calls me a sick person for stealing from her.
AITAH for taking from her to provide for our family while she continues to snort through her savings?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team
My GF and I have been together for 5+ years. We have lived together for 4 years and we have 4 kids. (3 from her previous and 1 together).
We live together and split expenses. I give her $800 cash biweekly to cover my part of the rent/utilities. She has not worked since the end of October so her only source of income is child support from the child support benefits from the government, the child support payments from the other dad and the money I give her.
I am struggling to pay the household bills, my bills plus taking the family on just my income. I’m basically living paycheck to paycheck and stressing to provide. I work almost 90 hours a pay period and it’s not still enough to keep up on my own.
She has been battling a cocaine and alcohol addiction. She was sober from 2017-2024. Late 2024 she fell of the sober wagon hard. Almost daily usage for 5 months now. I figure she spent over $16,000 to feed her addiction. She’s been taking from her savings to pay for the coke and booze.
I know it’s stealing and I have so much regret about it but I have taken cash from her purse to help pay for groceries or supplies for the family, without telling her. She found out recently and lost her mind on me. Saying that theft is theft and she’s going into debt because of me, completely ignoring the fact that she’s snorted almost $20,000. She calls me a sick person for stealing from her.
AITAH for taking from her to provide for our family while she continues to snort through her savings?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I took cash from her purse without her knowing to pay for food and supplies. Yes it’s stealing but it’s for a good cause.
She thinks that it’s fair for me to be saddled with all the bills and she can just snort her money away.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Where is she getting money from for her addiction?
Theres no way she’s gotten 20k in government and child support in 6 months without getting kicked off.
Also most states require drug testing, no way she passed one.
Theres also work requirement for kids over a certain age.
Nta, since it’s her kids but you’re far better off, if this is real, reporting her to CPS, getting custody of your child and having the others go to their bio dads or relative.
You gain nothing by being with her and her kids are being set up to become addicts and abused their whole lives with her as the primary parent.
Nta
So she has 20k in savings and instead of feeding her bloody kids she’s spending it on drugs and alcohol while she’s watching you work like a dog and stress about groceries and bills. She’s not a partner she’s a selfish person and I’d have no problem taking the kids and reporting her to child services
YTA, not for stealing from her in desperate situation, but to stay with that train wreck. Divorce will be better for you AND the kids as she is not a safe person to be around with as she as spice on the nose constantly
NTA
You are NTA under the circumstances. Although I do think you should have told her, she is definitely gaslighting you. It’s something you need to work on.
ESH and I’m calling the cops.
NTA and you need to get out asap for the sake of your child and yourself and her children. While yes stealing is wrong, you took money to feed Her Kids. What would she have said if you had asked for it? That she needed drugs more than the kids needed food?
Realistically if this has been going on for the last five months and you know she’s gone through $20k, you need to protect yourself and the children. At the very least you need to give her the ultimatum that it either stops or you’re gone. Let her choose and be prepared for you to not be her choice. Addiction is real. You’re giving her money for rent and such, how long before she runs through her savings and starts not paying the rent? Puts off buying clothes and necessities for the children to have more money for drugs? Starts stealing from your account to feed her addiction?
Even if you do separate, you can let her know you are there for her but that you will only be together when she’s clean. I don’t know. It’s a hard situation to be in but you need to get yourself and those kids in a better situation.
Sounds as though you need to have a discussion and you should be handling the bills she needs to get herself in rehab, and if she doesn’t agree to that, then you go to CVS reporter get custody of all the kids or send the others to their respective families if there’s anyone not on drugs, that can take them. These children are not in a good situation other than for you taking care of them you are NTA unless you fail to report her.
NTA you need to immediately remove your child from this situation and file for full custody. That doesn’t mean she’ll never see them again, just until she’s proven to be sober for a set amount of time. Then gradually work up to unsupervised with continued drug testing. I know that’s not what you want to hear but who’s raising the kids while she’s strung out and you’re working? They are in danger and if you stay and something happens, it’s your fault too.
Nta. But it’s probably time to report her for the drug use and take custody of the kids. Even if that means the other three go into foster care because their families won’t take them in. You need to do what’s right by you and at least your kid.
Stop giving her ANY money. She’s probably not paying any bills and can’t be trusted.
I’m so confused that your child is living under the same roof as an active coke fiend and your question isn’t about how to get her out of that situation asap.
NTA the kids deserve to eat reasonably healthy meals and you don’t deserve to face the possibility of medical problems brought on by stress. Neither, you, nor the kids need what she is doing in your lives. It is estimated that 39% to 72% of addict’s children end up being addicts themselves. I know that is a big range, so let’s simplify. Approximately 40% of addicts children become addicts themselves. By stressing yourself out and trying to make ends meet without her help, you are enabling her whether you mean to or not. You are also doing a disservice to all the children you have under your roof by keeping them exposed to her addiction. Kids notice a lot more than we think they do. I can’t offer a reasonable solution because I don’t know either of you. If possible, I would try to get her to agree to being treated while you keep the kids .
Run run run
Addicts are going to use.
NTA as your kids need to eat. The only money she gets is 1) from you for the purpose of paying rent and household expenses; 2) from the government for paying for basic essentials for herself and the kids and 3) her ex-partner to pay for things for the kids. There is no way she should be spending any of those sources of income on an excess of alcohol and cocaine while her kids are going hungry. Stealing is wrong, but in this situation it would have been more wrong to let the kids go hungry so she can get high.
But I worry YTA for enabling this behaviour. Do you know that the money you’re giving her is really going to pay your rent, and she hasn’t left you in arrears to fuel her habit? I think you need a serious conversation with her about getting clean or you will need to leave her and take the kids with you to protect them from her.
I don’t feel I can make a judgement here. Theft is theft… But then, she’s also stealing from her own children. And you, for that matter. And the wrongs don’t cancel each other out. At the end of the day, this is an unhealthy relationship. She’s bad a gf and worse mom. Leave and take your kid with you and please call your version of child protective services on your way out so those poor kids can be placed with their fathers or other family that gives a damn.
NTA for taking the money to feed the family but YTA for not getting her the help she needs to stay sober.
YTA for letting the kids be around her while she is in active addiction, if I were you I would leave with the kids and get custody of the one you had with her. Their is no way to be a good mother while she is in active addiction
NTA Stop giving her your money. The woman doesn’t work, she gets child support from one of her baby daddys as well as the government. Stop giving her your money. It’s feeding her addictions.
Get yourself and your baby away from her. Tell the dad of the other children that he will need to look after his own children.
YTA for letting kids live with a cocaine addict. Get your life together and tell her to leave. Report her to CPS so her kids go back to their dads and you keep your shared child.
You’re the adult and need to protect the children.
If she is not capable to look after them because of her addiction and you can’t afford to support her children so do they need to go to their father? Does he even know what is going on? Are the children better off in his custody?
She an addict. Her priority is feeding her addiction. Is it safe for the children? You’re out of the house trying to support everyone but it’s not sustainable.
Can you engage with some partners of addiction supports?
Personally I would be getting the kids out of the house and confronting her about what is going on. Have an exit plan. Organise a place to stay for the night as a back up.
Work out what you want. Is it that the relationship is over or if she goes to detox and rehab will you stay. Have a plan and write it down as you will get emotional. Can you have a person there as a witness and for support?
I know it a lot of questions but without you have the answers it will be hard to get the results you want. Your financial situation is a symptom of the situation.
You can threaten her to leave with your child and have her other 2 taken away if she does not go into rehab. Make sure she knows you are serious.
Take your child and run. And let the father of the other children know what’s happening. You’re only enabling her by staying.
ESH . What a shit show . How about you two stop bringing kids into this world?
It’s time to get your child to safety. NTA but this isn’t sustainable. Who is watching the kids while you work? You want to get to CPS before you lose your kid.
Take your child and get the hell out of there before CPS takes all 4 kids.
Wtf are you thinking ?
Take your kid and bounce!!!
Dump this train wreck and get your kid away from her. You’re the AH if you stay a day let that child around her
IF it were just you it would be one thing- however there are kids involved- get out & get them out- & if the 3 don’t have a responsible father- take them with you. Right now it is ‘just savings’ – you hope. But soon it will be (if it’s not already) the money you give for rent, the child support & whatever she can get by selling whatever she can get her hands on.
As an addict with 18 years clean & sober- don’t trust her, don’t believe her, protect you & your child & by default those other 3 children. When she can prove she’s worth believing & trusting- then let her back in- & that might not be right away if she does get clean. Sometimes the behavior that come w addiction are harder to break than putting down the drug.
And yet you are still giving her $800 in cash?!
Please check to make sure that the rent and utilities have been paid with the money you’ve been giving her.
You shouldn’t steal from her purse, but you also shouldn’t be giving her money.
Take the $800 (instead of giving her), and pay bills and buy groceries.
Run away fast!!!!! Y’all are not married. Get all evidence and get yr child out of there fast . So if she goes to put you on child support you get pictures of drugs everything for yourself.. Get away from her..