2 years ago, I hired a nanny, Elena (19 at the time) for my kids (2 and 6 at the time). She’s great with the kids. By the time I get home my oldest’s homework is done, both kids have had a snack, and sometimes she gets dinner ready. There were a couple things that, I wouldn’t say they were issues but they were just weird. She’d always change the subject if somebody asked about her family and hugs seemed to confuse her. My kids are very affectionate and would hug her while she stood there looking like she didn’t know what to do.
Around 4 or 5 months in, she called me and said she had the flu and didn’t know what to do. I helped her put in an online order for meds, Gatorade, and snacks that would be easy on her stomach. I asked about her family again and if anybody was there to help her and she finally told me about her home/family situation.
When she was 3 her parents left her with her grandparents “for a few days” and she hasn’t seen them since. She lived with her grandparents until she was 16 and they decided that they were too old to be raising children so they got her a house and a car and she’s been living on her own ever since. They still provide financial support but other than that she’s on her own. I’ve met her grandparents before and they confirmed this.
After that I kind of started to take her in. I’d always offer for her to stay for dinner, she was with us for thanksgiving and Christmas, and she eventually started sleeping in the guest room on weekdays. She’s basically the kids big sister at this point. She goes to their tee ball games, gymnastics classes, birthday parties, and school events. She even sat through a 2 hour elementary school concert last spring.
The problem is the kids are very attached to Elena and get upset when they have to go to their dad’s house without her (they spend weekends with their dad) so it makes trade off pretty difficult. My mom also thinks that taking in basically a third child is taking away from the limited time that I do have with my kids and that if I do want to help Elena out and work with her (she doesn’t know how to cook, except for basic pastas, chicken nuggets, and scrambled eggs so I’ve been teaching her. We also work on household stuff like cleaning the bathrooms, laundry, and other chores that she never learned how to do/had to figure out through YouTube, and I’ve gotten her to start taking community college classes so I help with homework when I can).
I do try to work with Elena after the kids are asleep but having her here does eat up into my time with the kids so I’m wondering if I am wrong for taking her in
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2 years ago, I hired a nanny, Elena (19 at the time) for my kids (2 and 6 at the time). She’s great with the kids. By the time I get home my oldest’s homework is done, both kids have had a snack, and sometimes she gets dinner ready. There were a couple things that, I wouldn’t say they were issues but they were just weird. She’d always change the subject if somebody asked about her family and hugs seemed to confuse her. My kids are very affectionate and would hug her while she stood there looking like she didn’t know what to do.
Around 4 or 5 months in, she called me and said she had the flu and didn’t know what to do. I helped her put in an online order for meds, Gatorade, and snacks that would be easy on her stomach. I asked about her family again and if anybody was there to help her and she finally told me about her home/family situation.
When she was 3 her parents left her with her grandparents “for a few days” and she hasn’t seen them since. She lived with her grandparents until she was 16 and they decided that they were too old to be raising children so they got her a house and a car and she’s been living on her own ever since. They still provide financial support but other than that she’s on her own. I’ve met her grandparents before and they confirmed this.
After that I kind of started to take her in. I’d always offer for her to stay for dinner, she was with us for thanksgiving and Christmas, and she eventually started sleeping in the guest room on weekdays. She’s basically the kids big sister at this point. She goes to their tee ball games, gymnastics classes, birthday parties, and school events. She even sat through a 2 hour elementary school concert last spring.
The problem is the kids are very attached to Elena and get upset when they have to go to their dad’s house without her (they spend weekends with their dad) so it makes trade off pretty difficult. My mom also thinks that taking in basically a third child is taking away from the limited time that I do have with my kids and that if I do want to help Elena out and work with her (she doesn’t know how to cook, except for basic pastas, chicken nuggets, and scrambled eggs so I’ve been teaching her. We also work on household stuff like cleaning the bathrooms, laundry, and other chores that she never learned how to do/had to figure out through YouTube, and I’ve gotten her to start taking community college classes so I help with homework when I can).
I do try to work with Elena after the kids are asleep but having her here does eat up into my time with the kids so I’m wondering if I am wrong for taking her in
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> I might be the asshole because taking Elena in and working with her does eat into my time with the kids and stretch our budget a little bit
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA but watch your husband around Elana.
NTA you are helping her, she’s been failed by so many people who should have loved and cared for her. You’re a great person, keep doing what you are doing.
It may take some of your time from the kids but I see it this way: it takes a village with little kids. You are divorced and she is clearly a huge help with your children (who seem to adore her) and you are helping her too. It is for mutual benefit. NTA. Your family seems better off having Elena around than not and seems like Elena is, too.
Your children are watching you demonstrate care for Elana and that’s teaching them a lot. Please do not let others cause you to doubt yourself. You are clearly a loving mother.
NTA you are doing a very kind thing. As Elena finds her way in the world as an adult, she may not need you as much, but right now you are modeling for your children that family isn’t always about blood.
NTA, you aren’t taking away from your kids, you are adding additional love and care to their lives through your caring for Elena. As to the problems with handover, were there issues before Elena moved in? If so, than she is not the issue. If the problems only arose with her moving into the house, then you have to make clear to the kids that Elena is not their sister, their other parent is not her parent, and all of us have responsibilities to our families that mean we sometimes spend time apart. It’s not anyone’s fault, it is just how families can be from time to time.
I will say that I’m confused about how living with her grandparents would leave her so unaware of certain basics unless they just isolated her much of the time. However, having co-parented a child who is now 20, they don’t always seem to pick up on certain things until it is spelled out for them, like how to clean the kitchen after you’ve made a meal. Support Elena as much as you feel you should, give her the basics for being on her own, and know that adding more people to your circle of love and caring doesn’t subtract love from the family, it adds to it.
The only way this would be “wrong” is if you were holding her back somehow – like underpaying her, or not encouraging her to get an education or other training.
She can’t be your nanny FOREVER, someday your children will be older, so it would be wrong if you were doing something to stunt her development and maturation into the adult world…
but it seems you aren’t doing that. You are encouraging her to take community college classes. You are helping her learn life skills.
As long as you don’t try to restrict her as she continues her education and eventually develops more of a social life, including being supportive of her dating, etc, this should all be fine…
just keep an eye on why the kiddos don’t want to go to their dad’s house… are you sure it’s not because of something questionable happening over there?
Your kids will also need to live without her some day, so make sure you remember that it is YOUR job to emotionally support them through difficult things, so they can rely on you when she’s not around!
Nta
NTA, what you are doing is adding to your kids’ experience the joy of giving. And it’s beautiful. You are teaching them kindness and thoughtfulness and grace and consideration and inclusion. Tell mum to pound sand.
NTA. I actually ended up adopting my kids nanny about 35 years ago after her mother got arrested and her father died. I was a single mom and she picked them up from school in my car. She is my children’s big sister. She went to college at my urging, never even considered with her prior home. It has worked well for all of us for her to be a part of our lives.
You are not the asshole here. You have a big heart and there is for all three of them. While you’re showing her how to do laundry, your kids are learning as well. They’re old enough to fold clothes. They’re old enough to learn how to sweep.
Your mom is wrong. Thank you for being a light that she needs. You are showing her how to love and be loved.
NTA. You are doing a good thing. But it sounds like the plot to a sitcom’s.