My son Chris and DIL had 2 kids, John M17 and Ella F16.
Ella was born with cleft lip. My DIL freaked out when she saw her and refused to even hold her. She requested they put her up for adoption and Chris eventually agreed though he adored Ella and was crying for days thinking about losing her.
My wife and I offered to adopt Ella and they agreed.
Once we adopted her I told Chris that he is not my son anymore and I don’t want to see him again. They left and eventually went to live in another city.
Now they are back and Chris wants to be back in Ella’s life, at least as an uncle. Ella is not interested. She has 2 uncle’s who adore her.
A few days ago Chris came over when I wasn’t home. My youngest son Kyle M21 still lives with us. He kicked Chris out and apparently insulted him and called him a useless simp among other things.
Now Chris is angry because I took Kyle’s side. In my opinion Kyle was only trying to protect Ella and I don’t entirely disagree with him.
Chris wasn’t even supposed to come over especially when I’m not home.
He thinks we are both assholes for insulting him and keeping Ella from him.
Comments
NTA
NTA. Ella is not a doll that you discard and pick up at whim. Chris and DIL are disgusting people.
NTA, Ella is your child, not his. He has no rights. You said Ella wasn’t interested in meeting him either. Get a restraining order against him.
NTA
NTA its your child not his
NTA- while Kyle probably shouldn’t have insulted Chris, Chris had zero right to be at that house. Good on Kyle for standing up for Ella and preventing her from dealing with Chris. Also, Chris is no longer a part of your family, so it shouldn’t matter what he has to say about you- you were right to disown him for abandoning his bio daughter just because his wife is a superficial asshat!
How would the law see it? An adult male, no legal relation to the minor, goes out of his way to make contact with said minor despite the said minor and EVERYONE in the family not wanting contact. Pretty creepy and inappropriate.
NTA. Chris IS a useless simp and his wife is evil. Kyle is a good dude and Ella is lucky to have him in her life.
Who cares what Chris thinks? He & his wife abandoned their own child to you 16 yrs ago. Then he moves back & suddenly wants to play sorta uncle.
Now he won’t accept no & just shows up? Hell no. He has no business trying to foist himself on your daughter. Get a restraining order.
Kyle absolutely did the right thing! So did you & your wife.
NTA
Who even does that? Give up a child for adoption for the stupidest reason ever? Bless you for taking her in and bless Kyle for being there for his sister.
NTA. Chris has disrespected Ella twice now.
Once, when she was born and her threw her away like she was nothing, and now, when she does not want to interact with him and he is turning up anyway.
NTA, but your oldest and his wife certainly are. Putting their own kid up for adoption because of a cleft lip???? Are they really that shallow? And as others have already pointed out: you don’t get to walk out and walk back into your kids life when it’s convenient.
the only asshole is chris
Cleft Palate can be SURGICALLY FIXED
So
r/justNoDiL
Block Her
Let each individual CHOOSE what if any relationship they want to have with “Chris”; letting everyone know that you accept love defend them regardless of their thoughts feelings behaviors towards “Chris”
NTA
What a father you are, instead of supporting your son at the onset and making the adoption open because he was young and vulnerable you kicked him out of your life. You my friend are a POS
He gave his child up for adoption because his disgusting wife couldn’t handle a minor physical impairment and he didn’t feel strongly enough to fight her on it.
Ella is so lucky that you and your wife were able to adopt her and ensure that she was raised and loved by family.
Chris’ wants and needs are so low down the priority list as to be virtually irrelevant. All that matters here is Ella’s well being. You and Kyle are ensuring that this happens.
On what rational basis could Chris expect you or Kyle to put his wants above Ella’s?
NTA
Fuck him. He allowed his wife to bully him into giving up his child. He doesn’t get to suddenly change his mind.
I would have called him a lot worse
It’s time to look into a restraining order against him if he can’t respect Ella’s wishes to have zero contact with him
Is he still with his wife?
Why did he at no point consider leaving his wife and keeping his daughter? Surely if he was so devastated it was the only option. NTA he’s 16 years too late.
Definitely NTA, He wouldn’t stand up for her and he was ready to do the equivalent of throwing her away unless you intervened. Now he wants to treat her as a chess piece, an object and not as a human being. He shouldn’t be anywhere near her. Protect her at all costs. I wish there was a way you could get a restraining order against him.
I’m guessing the little girl had her op and now they want back in her life?! Fuck them, they don’t deserve to be in that little girls presence ever again. Even if he dumped the bint of a wife i wouldn’t let him back in. He’s spineless and a real parent would go to war for their child. Exactly how you are for YOUR daughter against that idiot trying to get back in to her life after missing so much!
Massive NTA
you are great parents
My mother had a cleft lip and this breaks my heart. She learnt to read at 11 because her school thought she couldn’t learn and when she aced her GCSEs they accused her of cheating. I thought stigma like this had died a death l but clearly not. Both parents made a decision when Ella was born and you are an angel for sticking by her. Once that decision was made, her biological parents revoke the right to pick and choose how and when they are involved in her life and she’s old enough to choose now also. I think you did the right thing sticking by your younger son, he’s clearly got Ella’s best interests at heart.
Fuck off
Wow. Cleft palates are easily managed with a little bit of surgery. Your DiL’s response should or could perhaps have been managed with counselling and your son sounds overwhelmed by the situation and his wife’s response and then acted terribly.
Their response appals many of us. You did your best for your granddaughter.
This is a complex situation that might be better managed with some family therapy rather than in this platform. I say this as Ella should be supported in managing how her family have responded to her arrival and physical imperfection. She doesn’t need to feel like the cause of drama and distinction. It’s obviously not her fault that her arrival caused family fracture but she may feel this.
If Ella has not had any surgical treatment, know that the Shriners Hospitals treat cleft palate in minors for free. Some local clubs also provide transportation and family lodging.
Their commercials are annoying, but the 20-something Shriners Hospitals are legit. They offer ortho and burn care for minors, too. All at no charge.
NTA you didn’t side with your younger son, you sided with your daughter. You know, the one that was Chris’ daughter until he made the choice to keep his shitty wife instead of her. If you and your wife hadn’t adopted her, he might not have even known where she was or what sort of parents she’d ended up with. He doesn’t get to just drop back into her life 16 years down the line when literally no one, including her, wants him there.
What unmitigated made up crap
Why would disown your kid when you knew it was difficult for him to agree to put her up for adoption. And he agreed to let you adopt her. It sounds like he did the best thing for her.
NTA. I dont know if I would have disowned my son for doing what yours did. But I certainly wouldn’t think very highly of him and would probably keep my distance like you have. I have no respect for those that don’t take care of their kids. And to abandon one because they were born with a defect is abhorrent.
Your daughter is wise to want nothing to do with her bio parents.
NTA. He gave a child up for adoption and contact was cut. Your daughter isn’t a play thing to be discarded and then picked up again when it’s palatable for him. He needs to back off and allow Ella to dictate what the relationship looks like.
Only post and not a single comment back in 22hrs? Complete low effort rage bait
Why didn’t they consider surgery, a cleft lip is easier to fix than a cleft palate which can also be addressed surgically