I(29) grew up with four friends : Josh, Amy and Henry. Josh and Amy are married and have a son, ‘Tim’(7).
Unfortunately, their marriage has hit a big rough patch. Amy says that Josh spends too much on drinking and betting on horse races, while he accuses her of buying many brand name accessories and only using them a few times each. Frequent arguments that have only gotten worse.
Yesterday I visited and found them in the middle of one. A shouting match, with insults like ‘degenerate gambler’ and ‘superficial bitch.’ So I said to them ‘You want me to take Tim to Henry’s restaurant?’ Amy said ‘Yes, please’ and Josh just nodded.
When we got there and Tim got his dinner, I talked to Henry. We were standing away not too far away from the table, whispering. Henry told me Tim is old enough to understand what is going on with his parents and that adults can be mean to each other. He also said shielding children from the truth ends up hurting more than helping.
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I(29) grew up with four friends : Josh, Amy and Henry. Josh and Amy are married and have a son, ‘Tim’(7).
Unfortunately, their marriage has hit a big rough patch. Amy says that Josh spends too much on drinking and betting on horse races, while he accuses her of buying many brand name accessories and only using them a few times each. Frequent arguments that have only gotten worse.
Yesterday I visited and found them in the middle of one. A shouting match, with insults like ‘degenerate gambler’ and ‘superficial bitch.’ So I said to them ‘You want me to take Tim to Henry’s restaurant?’ Amy said ‘Yes, please’ and Josh just nodded.
When we got there and Tim got his dinner, I talked to Henry. We were standing away not too far away from the table, whispering. Henry told me Tim is old enough to understand what is going on with his parents, and shielding children from the truth ends up hurting more than helping.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole for it since shielding him from the truth might end up hurting him more.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. A kid might be old enough to understand what’s going on, but they don’t need constant exposure to it. I’m sure he knew they were fighting and was probably relived to get out of there for a bit.
NTA, he might be old enough to understand, but he doesn’t need to sit there and watch his parents tear each other apart. What you did was not shielding him from the situation. It was shielding him from the hateful way they were treating each other. No child needs to see that. It’s devastating.
NTA. Children are harmed by witnessing their parents hurt each other (or one parent hurting the other). You provided a bit of relief and reduced the harm on that day.
NTA and Henry is just plain wrong.
Josh and Amy are now in a mutually abusive relationship and it’s not just harmful to them but it’s even more harmful to their child who watches it and whose idea of normal communication is influenced by it.
I think your decision to remove Tim from the situation was the right one. I think it hurts the kids more to let them experience the fighting. My parents got divorced when I was 11. I only remember one fight between them. I had friends who had to endure their parent’s fighting. It left them scared, and wondering if they were fighting about something my friends had done, or if one parent or the other was so mad that they were going to turn their anger toward them.
NTA, they gave you permission to take him.
The more children here their parents argue, the more they think is about them.
Unfortunately, not much more you can do for Tim.
Why would you be the the AH?
NTA
Tim needs to know that treating each other like that is unhealthy. He’s going to end up in therapy but at least you will be a safe adult for him!
NTA Tim knows what’s going on with his parents’relationship but that doesn’t mean he needs to be forced to sit around and watch it.
NTA at all! Children to not need to be exposed to the type of arguing his parents were doing. It’s one thing to understand that people argue, it’s another to winter your parents verbally abusing each other.
Nta. His parents need to go grown up and stop acting like children. You were right to get him out of the situation. Now talk to your friend about how shes going to change it situation.
NTA.
Lying to children doesn’t help them, but they are too young to shoulder all that angst from their own parents. You aren’t keeping him in the dark, just protecting him from the worst of it. Kids are NOT tough. They are NOT resilient. That’s an old wives’ tale.
NTA! It actually would do Tim lot more good to be taken out of situation. He doesn’t need to be exposed to his parents fighting, it would cause him more harm. You are doing good by him.
Perhaps suggest to your friends about couple counselling to sort out their problems…?
NTA
Tim knows his parents fight. What you did was give him a breather and that someone is looking out for him.
NTA. Tell Henry to piss off. Kids don’t need to be in the middle of adult business, or hear their parents attacking eachother.
And nobody’s talking to Thomas. All he hears is his parents screaming insults at each other and his parents’ friends whispering about them and him.
It’s one thing to know adults have relationship issues. It’s another thing to hear the two people you love and trust most in the world intentionally degrade each other, no matter the ages.
NTA om sure that kid is more than aware of what’s going on. He does not need to be present for the screaming matches, thats just traumatising. What you did was really thoughtful and even the parents agreed that getting their kid out of there was the right thing to do
NTA. End of.
NTA
You’re removing stress from the kid.
Also, you’re demonstrating that the kid is cared for, that you also care for both his parents. Ultimately you’re allowing the kid to have a reprieve and know that there is someone he can count on.
There is no need to add commentary just continue being a wonderful auntie/uncle.
YNTA. You are kind and considerate. You protected the child, he won’t forget you.
Removing kids from a scary situation is good.
Maybe talk to the kid and calm him rather than arguing with another adult.
NTA – my mom and my step-dad fought horribly. I would have loved a safe adult. You did a good thing.
NTA. He saw the fight and understands. That doesn’t mean he has to sit and suffer through it. Thanks for taking him out to eat.
I’m all fuh kids knowing tha truth buh not witnessing name calling.
A calm easy sit down fuh discussion is easy enough. However; if parents can’t do that with each other then obviously they can’t do that wit their kid(s). It’s not right to force ANYONE to witness an uncomfortable situation. Ask urself, 1. is this a right time to be having this conversation ? 2. are we having a discussion or disagreement ?
P.s. they wasn’t having either one. They was having a shouting match (because they can’t sit down & have their own uncomfortable conversation so they resorted to shouting & spewing insults). Again, NOBODY tryna witness that. So why should a kid have to. JUST BE ADULTS
NTA! Just becausea child or even an adult understands doesn’t mean they want to be around it. As a kid I hated hearing my parents argue and name call each other. Even though they didn’t curse it still bothered me feeling that harsh energy in the house.
The more ungrounded and mean arguments a child hears, the more unstable their world becomes.
Children are meant to hear grounded arguments based in love so that they can learn how to argue well. Witnessing arguments like these are not helpful, they’re harmful.
Getting him out of there was the right thing to do. Henry either has his own issues with children and impending divorce in general or didn’t feel like feeding his friends kid.