My wife has a problem with “choosing” things. It’s because of her childhood and how her parents would berate her for choosing anything they considered ugly or bad or expensive or unnecessary.
It could be anything, like a doll they considered ugly or a food they thought doesn’t taste well.
She has a habit of letting other people choose for her. I’ve been trying to change that so I refuse to make choices for her.
A few days ago my FIL invited us to a restaurant.
She chose something and immediately my FIL berated her and told her that it’s too expensive. He asked her wtf were you thinking?
I snapped.
I told him to mind his own f*ckin business and if my wife wants something I’ll pay for it and we don’t need his broke ass paying for our meals.
Now it’s safe to say all of my in laws hate me. They said I was an asshole and shouldn’t talk to him like that.
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My wife has a problem with “choosing” things. It’s because of her childhood and how her parents would berate her for choosing anything they considered ugly or bad or expensive or unnecessary.
It could be anything, like a doll they considered ugly or a food they thought doesn’t taste well.
She has a habit of letting other people choose for her. I’ve been trying to change that so I refuse to make choices for her.
A few days ago my FIL invited us to a restaurant.
She chose something and immediately my FIL berated her and told her that it’s too expensive. He asked her wtf were you thinking?
I snapped.
I told him to mind his own f*ckin business and if my wife wants something I’ll pay for it and we don’t need his broke ass paying for our meals.
Now it’s safe to say all of my in laws hate me. They said I was an asshole and shouldn’t talk to him like that.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might eb an asshole for talking to my FIL this way which could be seen as an insult to my elder and upsetting him.
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Honestly, good for you for standing up for her. He’s been chipping away at her confidence for years and it needed to be called out
NTA.
What your wife eats is her decision to make. Her father was wrongly asserting that he outranks her in her own life, every choice that she makes being subject to being “wrong”.
You were absolutely correct to put him in his place.
Of course he didn’t like it, but he has to learn that he needs to back off.
As a general rule, it’s important to our sense of well-being to make the decisions that are ours to make. Things tend to go awry otherwise.
Sometimes it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. Are you an asshole for standing up for your wife, no, but you could have expressed yourself differently. All you had to say” Gus, if you are concerned about the price because you are on a fixed income, we’ll go Dutch. We will pay for our own meals and drinks. It was never out intention to burden you but my wife is going to order what she wants for dinner ” Losing your temper and insulting people is never as effective as a polite put down.
NTA. If your FIL didn’t want to get called out for being a bully, he should’ve stopped bullying your wife years ago.
Respect is not demanded. It is commanded. You earn it by how you speak, act, treat others. If FIL wants to be respected, he should treat others with respect.
NTA
FIL has spent a lifetime imposing his opinion and making pronouncements on wife’s every choice. You made one intemperate comment. Scales are in your favour.
If in-laws now claim to “hate” you over this one incident, then you hit a nerve. Their wild overreaction is all the proof that you need that did the right thing. They hate that they were called out; you were simply the catalyst for their overreaction.
Consider this: there is a reason why wife chose you. Smart, mentally healthy people look for partners that complement them, to fill in what is missing.
Really amazing of you to defend her choice and set a boundary with them. You might have got a better result if you chosen to do it in a less combative way, but the important thing is that boundaries were set.
That said…. combatting toxic energy with more toxic leads to more toxic energy. And drama.
One thing you said in your post was that you’ve been “trying to change that” about her decision paralysis. Is that something she wants to change? If so, it’s not your role to change it for her. It’s your role to support her in that in ways that allow her to make the changes she needs/wants to at her own pace.
I really like your intent here and can see that this is an important area of growth/healing of trauma for her, but I would say that there’s healthier and more productive ways you could be supporting her in that personal evolution.
ESH
NTA. For him to do that in a restaurant in public is nuts. Further more, proper manners dictate that you do not invite people out unless you can afford it.
NTA! (was originally ESH but changed my mind). Thank goodness someone finally stood up for your wife to her abusive parents. I am sure it means the world to her. The in laws now hate you? Oh well, he has had it coming for years now. You and your wife should follow up with your expectations about how they speak to her in the future. And if they don’t accept it, LC is in order!
NTA
Fuck your in laws.
NTA
But your wife should be in therapy. Forcing her to choose when it makes her anxious is just recreating the cycle of abuse and re-enforcing the anxiety. Your in-laws don’t deserve respect and I wouldn’t feel one bit bad about it.
You’re a f*ckin hero, man. Your wife needed back up and you provided it. Tell them to go pound sand.
NTA. I’m glad your wife has someone to stick up for her.
Well done sir
ESH. People with emotional incontinence are never effective at persuading others to change their views.
You need to change your in-laws behavior as well as your wife’s if you are serious about making a lasting change.
COULD you have said things in a more polite way? Sure.
Would it have had the same impact? No.
I wouldn’t change a thing. The people who have a problem with it are people who don’t need to be in your lives. At least go low contract
NTA
You were standing up for your wife. She’s a grown woman, she can make her own mind up. Have you ever sat her down and discussed this unhealthy dynamic between her and her parents? It may be time.
NTA for standing up for your wife. She has trouble choosing bc her family is toxic. They don’t like you and think you’re the AH bc you stood up to them, when your wife never has.
>Now it’s safe to say all of my in laws hate me. They said I was an asshole and shouldn’t talk to him like that.
Okay but, who cares? The more important question is, what’s your wife’s opinion of what happened? And if she’s also disagreeing with what you did, what the likelihood that it’s because she been conditioned her whole life to just accept the crap that her dad gives out?
They may hate you, but will think twice before being dicks to your wife again. Do it as often as needed.
Did you honestly just stick up for your wife to her father??? WAY TO GO! I can’t say your word choices were the best but, the concept is remarkable. Husband of the year award goes to you🏆
Ehhh NTA but you would have been more effective if you had kept your cool, said a very similar thing.
About time someone stood up to him. Good job!
Nta but he definitely is. Decision paralysis is frustrating for everyone, but especially the one experiencing it first hand. When it’s from trauma, any healing can be undone by even a voice popping up in your head.
Awesome beat down that was LONG overdue!
NTA!!
NTA
You don’t owe him the respect that he’s not giving his own child, in public. He’s publicly embarrassing her for absolutely no reason…but it’s a problem when you do it back? Nope.
Please encourage your wife to seek therapy to help learn to stand up for herself because the behavior from her father is not normal and she doesn’t deserve to be treated like that. Encourage him to go to therapy, too, because his behavior isn’t normal.
Wait a minute. He admonished her in public. You came to her defense, but you’re the bad guy? I don’t think so. Your FIL and his family needs a “come to Jesus.” Sorry you have to deal with that kind of dysfunctional bs.
NTA … if I’d heard you stand up for your wife like that, I’d have stood up and APPLAUDED!!
nta HE shouldn’t talk to HER like that
Bravo!!! Good for you.