Me and my wife were having a family dinner where my niece (9) and her mom (my sister) and her dad were there. Little bit of context about the dad, he always talks about preserving the innocence of kids, Catcher In The Rye style. My niece therefore doesn’t know anything about sex, still believes in Santa despite expressing doubts and doesn’t help around with anything at all. To me, that doesn’t sound like it’s for her benefit, but rather to control her individuality, but I regress.
She brought up the Mission Impossible movies and mentioned how cool Tom Cruise was. To which my wife chimes in for fun that he’s awesome on screen, but he’s actually in a weird cult. She had never heard that concept before and asked. So we give her a general explanation that it usually has a central leader that demands absolute authority, has levels, extorts money and a few other things. After a short pause, I throw in a little joke “just like family” that my niece found funny.
Her dad hears it and starts going in a stern tone “yea but what’s a cult. Is society a cult, family, the government. Be careful when you’re talking to kids”. I reply that it isn’t a very academic conversation and that she knows family isn’t a cult. They keep insisting that we should be careful and they jokingly say (but sorta seriously) that they’ll remember when we have kids. Oh no, youll educate my kids? I drop it pretty fast because she isn’t my kid though.
I find this weird as all heck, but I don’t have kids so I’m wondering if I shouldn’t chime in with such matters. AITA for doing so?
EDIT: The joke was not made at his expense, I thought it was just funny. I actually made it while looking at my sister who was laughing along until her husband spoke up. She switched sides afterwards so I’m not sure if she was holding back her true opinion before that or not.
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Me and my wife were having a family dinner where my niece (9) and her mom (my sister) and her dad were there. Little bit of context about the dad, he always talks about preserving the innocence of kids, Catcher In The Rye style. My niece therefore doesn’t know anything about sex, still believes in Santa despite expressing doubts and doesn’t help around with anything at all. To me, that doesn’t sound like it’s for her benefit, but rather to control her individuality, but I regress.
She brought up the Mission Impossible movies and mentioned how cool Tom Cruise was. To which my wife chimes in for fun that he’s awesome on screen, but he’s actually in a weird cult. She had never heard that concept before and asked. So we give her a general explanation that it usually has a central leader that demands absolute authority, has levels, extorts money and a few other things. After a short pause, I throw in a little joke “just like family” that my niece found funny.
Her dad hears it and starts going in a stern tone “yea but what’s a cult. Is society a cult, family, the government. Be careful when you’re talking to kids”. I reply that it isn’t a very academic conversation and that she knows family isn’t a cult. They keep insisting that we should be careful and they jokingly say (but sorta seriously) that they’ll remember when we have kids. Oh no, youll educate my kids? I drop it pretty fast because she isn’t my kid though.
I find this weird as all heck, but I don’t have kids so I’m wondering if I shouldn’t chime in with such matters. AITA for doing so?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I talked to my niece about a serious topic without the consent of her parents. I might be the asshole because it might not be my place to discuss such matters before the parents say it is appropriate
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I think NTA. I mean, she’s 9, not 4. And you weren’t going into extreme detail, just giving the very basic facts about cults. You weren’t going into detail about potential criminal activity or anything. Besides, it sounds like her parents were sitting right there…if they had a problem with it, why didn’t they jump in?
I will say though, I tend to automatically turn to the parents when a child asks a question about something that can be a touchy subject, for exactly this reason. But, I don’t think you’re an asshole for not doing that here.
I’m torn between two opinions here, one that it’s perfectly reasonable to have normal conversations with children, or even just in their presence, which is all you did here, and the other that your BIL is such a terrible parent that you should go out of your way to undermine him at every opportunity.
Either way, you’re NTA.
NTA. This is a normal conversation to have with a 9 year old. If her father doesn’t want her to be exposed to anything in the world, he can home school her and have no visitors.
I mean maybe? I doubt you truly intended to “sow discord” in their family unit or whatever, but honestly it might be a little bit on your wife for bringing up Cruise’s affiliations with Scientology. 9 is still a bit young but honestly I think your brother in law is the most in the wrong here, knowledge is power and the fact he fears his daughter learning is kinda concerning.
Going forward I’d try to make your home a safe place for her as she gets older.
NTA
I’d probably say NTA because of his overall attitude but don’t make pointed jokes about his parenting style where he can hear. It undermines your attempts to actually help your niece.
YTA because you made the joke about her controlling family to undermine her father, not to tell her about cults
Them forcing naïveté on their daughter is going to backfire dramatically by getting her into trouble. Have they even taught her body safety if they aren’t teaching her anything about sex? How is she not being bullied at school at this age for still believing in Santa? And teaching about cults – and how they recruit – at a young age prevents teens from being caught up by a cult. Your sister needs to focus more on teaching safety and awareness to her kids than on maintaining innocence. NTA
Spam the parents with stories of caregivers (teachers, camp counselors, GS leaders sports coaches) having to deal with little girls convinced they’re dying because they don’t know what periods are
If they take well to that, hit them with stats about how age appropriate sex Ed reduces sexual predation.
NTA
If her family doesn’t talk to her about cults and the dangers of them, then cults will talk to her about cults and give her reasons to join them.
His threat of “I’ll remember when you have kids” is empty, because you seem like the sort of person who wouldn’t let any future children you may have go out into the world naive and unprepared for people trying to take advantage of them.
YTA for using words incorrectly. It’s digress.
NTA. I was a kid when Waco and Heaven’s Gate were big news, and I gained a lifelong strong interest in cults and cultish groups because of it. It’s certainly done me more good than harm.
If they don’t want you to talk about certain topics, that’s fine, but they shouldn’t assume everyone knows the random things that are off limits in their house without advanced warning.
NTA, the joke was a bit foolish. But your niece is being sheltered far too much. As they say, knowledge is power.
NTA. They’re going to have fun when she starts to realize how sheltered she was.
“Preserving the innocence of youth” is 100% privilege.
Children of poor people don’t get to be sheltered from understanding that some people have more than others or that their parents can’t provide everything they need/want, even though they love them.
Children who have experience abuse don’t get to be sheltered from the fact that some people prey on others.
Children of color don’t get to go through their childhoods without experiencing racism and its consequences.
Disabled children have to learn early that some people don’t see people with disabilities as capable or fully a member of society.
I could go on, but you get the picture.
I have three kids. I am a big believer in not lying to them or protecting them from information that they are old enough to understand.
You should hold back information that will traumatize them, but withholding information just because it’s got unpleasant aspects that might be upsetting is setting your kid up for disappointment and a life of pining for the days when mommy and daddy made life frictionless.