Hello, my mum’s married friend (M, possibly early to late 50s) has been texting me (F26) and checking up on me while my mum is out of the country. I’m an adult and don’t need someone checking in, but I do appreciate his concern.
Right now I’m unemployed, so he’s been sending me job recommendations too, which I appreciate. However, I decided to put some distance after he suggested taking me to the movies someday, which made me uncomfortable.
Here’s the conversation we had:
Me:
“Thanks for checking in, but you don’t need to. I can take care of myself, including job searching. Appreciate your understanding. 😊👍🏻”
Him:
“Am very sorry for intruding into your life, just bcos you said you will be looking for job and am trying to get you a highly paid one. If you are offended, i apologised ok. Bye”
My mum just texted me saying that he’s upset and asked if I offended him. She insisted that he was just being friendly all along. I also showed my response to a friend, and he said I was rude too.
Am I overreacting? Was my response actually rude? Thank you for reading.
Comments
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Hello, my mum’s married friend (M, possibly early to late 50s) has been texting me (F26) and checking up on me while my mum is out of the country. I’m an adult and don’t need someone checking in, but I do appreciate his concern.
Right now I’m unemployed, so he’s been sending me job recommendations too, which I appreciate. However, I decided to put some distance after he suggested taking me to the movies someday, which made me uncomfortable.
Here’s the conversation we had:
Me:
“Thanks for checking in, but you don’t need to. I can take care of myself, including job searching. Appreciate your understanding. 😊👍🏻”
Him:
“Am very sorry for intruding into your life, just bcos you said you will be looking for job and am trying to get you a highly paid one. If you are offended, i apologised ok. Bye”
My mum just texted me saying that he’s upset and asked if I offended him. She insisted that he was just being friendly all along. I also showed my response to a friend, and he said I was rude too.
Am I overreacting? Was my response actually rude? Thank you for reading.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I texted a man that he doesn’t have to text me anymore (2) I worry that my text response was rude
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
If he hadn’t suggested you go to the movies, I’d have said you were rude but I think that is creepy and you were right to shut it down. NTA.
> he suggested taking me to the movies someday
This crossed a line from helping to showing romantic interest. Even if he didn’t mean it that way, it is a serious social faux pas. Of course he made you uncomfortable.
“Mom, do you understand that he asked me out on date?!? That’s not someone being friendly and just trying to help.”
NTA — I only read the first sentence originally and there is line crossed between friendly and outright creepy. You did the right thing. He crossed that boundary.
NTA – dudes creepy AF and patronising as well.
NTA Because inviting you to the movies is…a little creepy. Of course, over text, the way the sender and recipient hear it in their heads can be quite different, it is possible he wasn’t trying to hit on you, just a sort of fatherly kindness. It probably would have been wiser to politely tell him “No thanks” to the movie and “Thanks, I’ll look into it” for the jobs. Then if he didn’t get the hint, you could say “no” to the movie night more firmly. You are seeking a job and connections never hurt.
NTA. You’re not overreacting and that wasn’t rude. He was attempting to make that into a date. His apology isn’t even a real apology.
you’re allowed to have feelings and be uncomfortable. he may have had good intentions but him being upset is kinda odd tbh… i don’t think ur the a hole
NTA. Did you show your mom and friends the movie comment? That’s not a normal request for someone ‘helping with a job search’.
NTA If he was just trying to be friendly and help you with no obligation, he wouldn’t be offended by your comment. He’d text back something like, “No worries, let me know if you do need help. The door is always open” Something like that.
NTA
Ah…nope, he was being super creepy.
NTA – you gave a forward and respectful response to him. If his feelings are hurt based off that reply that’s on him, not you.
Just tell you mom he asked you on a date!!!!! Why is that so hard to do? Then maybe she would understand why you distanced yourself. If she still doesn’t get it, then there is something wrong with your mother!
NTA, stop replying to him.
He’s only offended because you rejected him.
NTA. I can see how he might have misinterpreted your response to be something more than what it was, but that’s not on you.
NTA. I would definitely not consider the message in your post to be rude (and I’m smack dab in the same demographic as this man). I’d also say that unless this man already has an established relationship with you along the lines of an uncle or other trusted adult figure, his messaging (especially the invitation to a movie) is verging on creepy and predatory.
The one thing I would suggest, though, is that you check on whether your Mom put him up to this. I could easily see your Mom asking him to keep an eye on you and help you out while she’s out of the country, and this poor gentleman just has no clue as to how to do that in an appropriate way. (“Uhh… she’s looking for a job, so I’ll send her job prospects. What do kids do for fun these days? Movies? Yeah. Movies are timeless. I’ll offer to take her out to the movies!”)
NTA seems pretty strange that your mother‘s married friend would be checking up on you at all. Bottom line is that you weren’t comfortable, so that’s the end of that. Glad that you made a boundary… Well done.
NTA he overstepped asking you on a date, did you tell your mum that part?
NTA. You gave a smiley and thumbs up, you literally can’t be nicer.
He was creeping on you, hon. Stay away from him, tell your mom you will not be around him in the future. NTA.
NTA Not rude at all. He crossed that line by becoming a little to fixated on your “job search” (pretext for invading your life) and definitely crossed it with the movie suggestion. Yeah he is a creeper.
At this point it doesn’t really matter if you were rude. You don’t welcome it and you’re uncomfortable. I’d block him.
Offering you job leads, fine. Checking on you for your mother – a bit over the top at that age, but not wildly so. Taking you to the movies??? No way. He’s acting as though he’s trying to make a move on you, and him a married man.
NTA for distancing yourself from him, and your text to him wasn’t rude. It wouldn’t even have been rude if you responded to his talk about going to a movie with you by saying “I guess your wife is coming too? I’d love to see her more often; she’s such a charming woman.”
NTA this is exactly how men, particularly older men, gaslight women, particularly younger women, once they feel rejected.
Don’t fall for it.
Trust your intuition.
You did exactly the right thing.
Your mom could use some guidance about how to support her daughter.
NTA. The jobs are fine, the rest is weird.
Why did you refer to him as “a man,” instead of your mom’s friend?
NTA – but I wanted to comment on this in particular:
>
I also showed my response to a friend, and he said I was rude too.
Show the whole convo (including the movie invite) to a *female* friend. See what kind of response you get.
NTA. You were setting a firm boundary.
Show your mother the text message about taking you out to a movie and ask her this question:
“How do you think I should respond when a married man twice my age talks about wanting to take me out on a date?”
That should do the trick.
NTA
Nta. This giant baby of a man has a bruised ego. You got to love when men think that they know what’s best, can save you, or you can’t take care of yourself. When you say, ” no that’s okay I got it,” suddenly you’re the asshole. Let him go cry and have a tantrum. Who cares. Like you would want some job he got you anyway. You know that there’s going to be so many strings and weird s*** attached to that forever. You’re smart to distance yourself from this guy.
So the man who was overstepping complained to your mummy that you hurt his delicate feelings? You could tell your mum he was making you uncomfortable and you don’t appreciate that she’s letting him use her to make you feel bad.
NTA Sending jobs suggestions was fine. Him trying to get you to the cinema was creepy and possibly a ” i help you get a job, you need to return the favor with date”. You did nothing wrong.
NTA
One thing if he was actually referring you for a job. But h3 crossed the line and became creepy about asking you to the movies
As a 50 something man myself….
You did the right thing.
NTA.
Sending you job listings IF he works in the same industry as you are trying to get into seems ok. The rest is, S you kids say, SUS