My girlfriend of 1 year and I have a loving and healthy relationship. The woman of my dreams. We met in my home province and she is from another province (12 hour drive to her hometown). I have attended Christmas/Holiday season in her hometown for two weeks, and was just there for over a week this month. Both times using some of my vacation time.
The wedding is in September and my girlfriend is the maid of honour. She’s busy for about two days straight and I’m expected to stay/hang out with people I’ve never met (that’s fine tbh) or by myself. But she wants to go for over a week to see family, recuperate from the long drive, etc. The problem is that I teach two university courses in the fall and will be starting a new research position. I’ve had to spend a ton of money on her, travel, moving, dates, gifts for defending her dissertation, etc, am feeling it, and want to settle in September. I’ve done a lot for her and I told her I can’t see myself being able to go to this wedding, but will 100% take time to attend her graduation in the same province/area in October, and go to her home for this years Holiday in December.
I’ve met the bride to be and her fiancé once for an hour. I am stressed to the max and tried explaining that being put in this position adds a lot onto me. She is upset, but then won’t talk to me about it and goes into another room.
I want some outside perspective. I feel like a jerk but had to put my foot down and do what’s best for me…given that I have primarily done as much as I can for her at this point in the relationship.
So am I the asshole for saying I can’t go to this wedding?
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My girlfriend of 1 year and I have a loving and healthy relationship. The woman of my dreams. We met in my home province and she is from another province (12 hour drive to her hometown). I have attended Christmas/Holiday season in her hometown for two weeks, and was just there for over a week this month. Both times using some of my vacation time.
The wedding is in September and my girlfriend is the maid of honour. She’s busy for about two days straight and I’m expected to stay/hang out with people I’ve never met (that’s fine tbh) or by myself. But she wants to go for over a week to see family, recuperate from the long drive, etc. The problem is that I teach two university courses in the fall and will be starting a new research position. I’ve had to spend a ton of money on her, travel, moving, dates, gifts for defending her dissertation, etc, am feeling it, and want to settle in September. I’ve done a lot for her and I told her I can’t see myself being able to go to this wedding, but will 100% take time to attend her graduation in the same province/area in October, and go to her home for this years Holiday in December.
I’ve met the bride to be and her fiancé once for an hour. I am stressed to the max and tried explaining that being put in this position adds a lot onto me. She is upset, but then won’t talk to me about it and goes into another room.
I want some outside perspective. I feel like a jerk but had to put my foot down and do what’s best for me…given that I have primarily done as much as I can for her at this point in the relationship.
So am I the asshole for saying I can’t go to this wedding?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I’m the asshole for telling my girlfriend that I can’t attend her friends wedding because of everything I’ve done to this point and because of circumstances.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA.
NTA you’re not her emotional support peacock for a wedding you can’t afford. You’ve done enough and she needs to meet you halfway.
NTA
You’ve already made two long trips and used vacation time for her. Starting new teaching courses and research in September is a huge deal and she should understand that. You barely know the bride and groom, and honestly, expecting someone to take another week off work after a year of dating for a wedding where you’ll be mostly alone is a lot.
You offered perfectly reasonable alternatives with her graduation and the holidays. Sometimes being a good partner means recognizing when you’ve hit your limit and being honest about it instead of overextending yourself and being resentful later.
NTA, you’re busy in September and probably need to prepare for the new school year and the new research position. Without even mentioning the amount of time that you have spent in her hometown. She needs to be able to have a conversation with you and tell you why she’s this upset with you about it. Maybe try to compromise and fly out just for the day of the wedding, so you’re there with her? But even if you decide that you don’t want to do that, she needs to talk to you. It’s not healthy to refuse to talk to you and leave the room.
NTA, her reaction is pretty concerning to me.
NTA. Yes this is important to her. But you’ve maxed out your travel, time, and money. Can’t do it all. Sorry.
NTA.
You’re not in the wrong for telling your girlfriend you can’t go to her best friend’s wedding. It’s a difficult situation, and it’s easy to see why it feels complicated. From what you’ve said, you’ve already put a great deal into the relationship: emotionally, physically, and financially. You’ve made long trips, spent your holidays with her family, and supported her through major life events. You’ve shown up when it mattered. Now, you’re facing an important and demanding period in your own life, starting a new research job and teaching two university courses. Both roles need your full attention and energy. Wanting to focus on that and avoid extra stress is not just reasonable; it’s necessary.
You’re not walking away from her or refusing to be part of her life. You’ve already promised to attend her graduation next month and to visit for the December holidays. You’re simply setting a limit on one event during a particularly tough time. You’re putting your mental health and work commitments first while still showing you care in other meaningful ways. That’s not selfish; it’s responsible and fair.
At the same time, it’s understandable that your girlfriend feels upset. Her best friend’s wedding is a big moment, and as the maid of honour, she’s likely feeling overwhelmed, emotional, and in need of support. Your absence might seem like you’re not there for her when it matters most. She might even start to worry that you’re not as invested in her life as she is in yours. These feelings may not be entirely fair, but emotions often don’t follow logic. If she’s withdrawn or upset, it may be because she’s struggling with disappointment and isn’t ready to talk about it just yet.
Still, your reasons are completely valid. Travelling for over a week, spending most of the time with people you hardly know, and doing all of this while managing stress at work and feeling the strain financially is a big ask. You’re not saying no because you don’t care. You’re saying no to avoid burnout and look after yourself. That’s not only sensible; it’s healthy.
What really matters now is how you talk to her about it. Try to explain gently that this decision doesn’t mean you don’t care about her or the wedding. It just means you’re stretched thin and need to protect your energy. Let her know you understand why the wedding is important to her, and that it’s painful for you not to be there. Framing your absence as a difficult but necessary choice, not a refusal, might help her see your point of view.
In the end, you’re looking after your own well-being without walking away from the relationship. You’re setting a boundary because you need to. That doesn’t make you a bad partner. It shows you’re trying to love in a thoughtful and balanced way, yourself included.
NTA.
You’ve already gone above and beyond with holidays, travel, gifts, support, and you’re still planning to be there for her graduation and Christmas. It’s fair to sit this one out, especially with work and stress mounting. She’s busy with maid of honour duties anyway. This isn’t about not caring; it’s just you setting a boundary. You’ve shown up plenty.
NTA, if your girlfriend truly loves you, she understands and does not behave like a sulky 5 year old. You have commitments, like any adult does, and sometimes it’s just not possible to attend events you are invited to.
NTA; your cost/benefit analysis is entirely reasonable. Stonewalling you is not good behavior on her part — Gottman considers it one of the Four Horsemen of Relationship Apocalypse. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-stonewalling/
Suggest some couples’ counseling to better mediate your conflicts so you can resolve them in a healthy way.
>I’ve had to spend a ton of money on her, travel, moving, dates, gifts for defending her dissertation, etc, am feeling it, and want to settle in September. I’ve done a lot for her and I told her I can’t see myself being able to go to this wedding, but will 100% take time to attend her graduation in the same province/area in October, and go to her home for this years Holiday in December.
What does she bring to this relationship?
NTA. Honestly, the couple isn’t going to care. My SIL couldn’t come to our wedding. A work thing came up. It was FINE!
Your GF will be busy as she’s in the wedding. It’s fine to be bummed, but she should understand.
NAH. It sounds like going to this wedding would create a lot of stress for you, and it’s not family or someone you know, so I think it’s reasonable to decline. That said, you should probably go anyway. You said she’s the woman of your dreams! Enduring some inconvenience now will pay dividends over the long run because your girlfriend will never forget that you stayed with her even when it was difficult. This period of your life in which there are lots of Big Events (graduations, marriages, new babies, etc.) will pass. It’s not like you’ll be doing this forever. Consider flying!
NTA. it’s not the end of the world you can’t be there for her friend’s wedding. Besides as MOH she will most likely be busy anyway and won’t be spending much of her time with you (at least the days leading up to and the actual wedding day)
Absolutely NTA.
Firstly, not only have you used vacation time, but you’ve exhausted a lot of money in the time you already spent with her. You even said that you’d attend her other stuff later. Plus, you don’t know these people either, so it’s not like you’d be going for anyone else.
Right now, the way I see it, she’s preventing you from having a life of your own, which I think is very unhealthy. What’s worse is that she doesn’t even want to talk it out with you.
She is being irrational and immature about all of this.
NTA and I would re-evaluate your relationship because she is behaving in a childish manner. Tell her you’ll have to fly and you can only stay for the wedding.
NTA but….
Could you not look into flying in for the weekend and at least go to the wedding proper? With this much notice, and that short a drive (relative to Canada) I feel like you may have an option to fly (or train?)
Obviously going for a week is not realistic but perhaps a shorter time is.
It’s clear that it’s an important “family” like occasion to her and she will be really disappointed and sad to not have you there with her. I can understand, even if I understand from your point of view that you aren’t really pivotal to the wedding or the couple…. the thing is, you are for her. She wants to have you there in a sense to show you off, esp to all the long-term friends etc who will no doubt be there.
I might consider going to the wedding over going for the holidays, where you can easily say, well I would like to be with my family so it’s reasonable to be apart for a little time there.
NTA… but she might be.
NTA. This all sounds like legitimate reasons for not being able to go. I understand why she’d be disappointed, but she needs to understand your perspective. If not, how do you see going forward here?
NTA. It’s ok for her to go and enjoy all the wedding festivities and visit while you stay home and focus on your career. These are not your lifelong friends and travel is expensive.
NTA. It sounds like you’ve used a ton of your vacation time to go to her hometown which is pretty far away, on top of spending a lot of money on her and all this travel. And you’re planning on keeping on doing it since you’ll be going there for her graduation and again for Xmas. To be honest your gf sounds entitled/selfish. It’s ok to be sad that you’re not able to go but to get mad and then cold-shoulder you is just ridiculous and it a good look for her. Are you just not ever allowed to say no??
NTA
“My girlfriend of 1 year and I have a loving and healthy relationship.”
In one year’s time, you have spent three full weeks in the province that she is from which is a good twelve hours from where the two of you met and currently live.
There is no reason for you to waste another week at the wedding of people, you do not even know, especially when you are planning to go for her graduation, and then spend the holidays with her family – again.
And her response is to leave the room and give you the silent treatment?
What would her response be if you told her that you wanted the two of you to spend the holidays with your family this year?
Or ask her to split the time 50/50 between the two families?
Is it a loving and healthy relationship?
Or is it only a loving relationship when you’re doing what she wants you to do?
NTA. She should be more understanding
The fact that you need to ask whether a reasonable position is out of line due to her response to it suggests there is a need for some reflection on bother her behaviour in the relationship and your own standards and boundaries for reasonable behaviour from others.
NTA
Your work schedule will not allow it.
Is there an option for her to go for the week and you just fly in for the weekend?
You’ve spent approximately 21 days with her out of 365 days. Are you sure you know her? I think if you knew her, she would be ok with you not attending this wedding.
Tell her the compromise is if you attend the wedding then you can go to her graduation or spend the holidays with her. You can’t afford to do both. But then, you also can’t spend the entire holiday with her. You will have to cut off two days.
Does she come to see you at all?
You had me at teaching. September is the worst possible time to ask a teacher at any level to be gone. You’re getting your classes up and running and you’re establishing norms and routines. It will take more work for you to prepare to be gone than if you just stayed home and did the work yourself. Ask me how I know.
NTA
NTA, she is though
So in response to you taking a perfectly reasonable stance she is upset, sulking and not speaking to you?
It sounds like a loving relationship when she gets what she wants.
NTA but consider what the red flag is telling you.
NTA. You’ve certainly been supportive of your gf. Ask her which she prefers: the wedding or graduation
NTA. The fact that she refuses to talk to you about it and instead just throws herself a pity party is a massive red flag. Communication is vital to any and all relationships. Granted, communication isn’t easy, and those skills get built with practice. That’s the point, though. Both of you need to be working on it, and it sounds like you’re trying. Despite what many like to say, relationships are not 50/50. They’re 100/100. They take time, energy, work, and effort. You need to ask yourself, and be brutally honest, is she doing any of those things, or is this really a one-sided relationship?
NAH.
It sounds like you just told her. Give her time to process her disappointment. Have it occurred to you she might be hoping to introduce you to her closer friends at the event as you two are serious? You are NTA but I wonder if she had more expectations she may not have articulated.
NTA about this at all. As others have pointed out, it sounds as if you’ve devoted quite a bit of time and money traveling to her hometown already this year.
However, the bigger red flag I’m seeing here is the immaturity she’s displayed when you’ve attempted to discuss this and explain your reasoning. I’m not saying you should end the relationship right this moment but please pay attention to how she handles this and communication overall. I’m hoping for you that this is an isolated incident. If it’s not, she’s giving you a view of how she handles things that don’t go her way. Take note!
You don’t have to go to the entire week. Could it be possible to fly in for one overnight?
NTA. But why are you with her, she is a gold digging child.
You can’t cancel a week of classes as a professor. She’s in academia and should understand that. It’s perfectly reasonable to say no.
That’s a lot for her to ask. Does she show up for you and your family or is it one sided?
sounds like a one sided relationship. she seems to have no sense of reality that you have to work etc and allocate your pto. does she think money and time off grows on trees? i would ask her how she thinks all this is supposed to happen?
NTA but it also sounds one sided. What does she do in regards to your and your family/friends?
This is not fair in the long run based on what you are saying.
Give her the option either you go to the wedding or you go to the graduation. It’s up to her. Otherwise you definitely won’t be making Christmas this year. It really does seem like a lot.
Um, how do you have such a great healthy relationship if she won’t talk to you about this?
NTA sure it sucks you cant go, but that’s a lot of time off work and at a critical time, sometimes you just cant do whatever you want and have to be an adult.
NTAH. You are being realistic about your abilities and as your girlfriend/significant other, she needs to be a little more understanding about your position.
NTA. This is a big commitment, it isn’t just going for the wedding. You have a new research position and that has to take priority. I can get why your girlfriend wants you at her best friend’s wedding, that is very important to her, but there’s just too much going on for you.