I (26F) have a younger brother (almost 24M), we live together in an apartment that we co-own with our parents. The situation is that my brother has been bringing random girls to our place, engaging in casual … with girls he barely knows and yesterday he brought one of these girls to our place (and they «spent» the night). I had to wear soundproof headphones not to hear everything…
I’m not an idiot, I know I do not control my brother. Neither do I want to. He’s a grown man and has to make mistakes so hopefully he grows up. However, I’m feeling a bit frustrated about the situation because we agreed between us and my parents that before we moved in that there would be no hook-ups in the apartment. The reason is that it is not just his apartment, it’s ours. I live here too and it’s not fair to me that I have to deal with a rotating door of random women sleeping with my brother. I do not know who they are, and I feel a but invaded if I’m honest.
Furthermore, he doesn’t even call them his «girlfriend», which to me if I was in the place of the girl would be a big red flag. I also simply do not understand how any woman would accept to sleep in a room that isn’t clean, in sheets that are barely hygienic (I know that have not been washed for weeks) and with dirty laundry piled in piles all around the room. It feels like I’m still living with a smelly horny teenager, when he is allegedly a grown man.
All this is sort of the cherry on top of the cake because I’m the only one that makes sure the apartment is clean, takes care of utilities, got all the furniture in the apartment and takes care of our pets. If I were not there, the whole place would be a giant mess. I pretty much have to do everything because if I ask him to do anything 7 times out of 10 it will neither not be done, half done or so bad I have to do it anyway. If I ask him to clean his dishes, they will somehow turn out greasier then when they were dirty. Weaponized incompetence on a whole other level. I didn’t even make the effort to clean his own pet’s litter box when it reeks, and he knew he was going to bring a girl to hook up later that evening!
When I tried to talk to my brother about how I felt and tried to be supportive he told me he can do whatever he wants and that I have no right to my own opinion. I was just asking him to be more considerate as I live here too. I do not want to control him or force him to grow up or not thinking about the consequences of engaging in full blown hook-up culture.
After he started yelling I told him that if one of these girls ends up pregnant, give him an STD or hurts him he’s on his own. I will also put my foot down and tell him he has to find somewhere else to live, because without my income, he I leave he cannot afford the mortgage.
So, am I the asshole for being frustrated with my brother bringing random girls at our place and telling him off after he started yelling at me?
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I (26F) have a younger brother (almost 24M), we live together in an apartment that we co-own with our parents. The situation is that my brother has been bringing random girls to our place, engaging in casual … with girls he barely knows and yesterday he brought one of these girls to our place (and they «spent» the night). I had to wear soundproof headphones not to hear everything…
I’m not an idiot, I know I do not control my brother. Neither do I want to. He’s a grown man and has to make mistakes so hopefully he grows up. However, I’m feeling a bit frustrated about the situation because we agreed between us and my parents that before we moved in that there would be no hook-ups in the apartment. The reason is that it is not just his apartment, it’s ours. I live here too and it’s not fair to me that I have to deal with a rotating door of random women sleeping with my brother. I do not know who they are, and I feel a but invaded if I’m honest.
Furthermore, he doesn’t even call them his «girlfriend», which to me if I was in the place of the girl would be a big red flag. I also simply do not understand how any woman would accept to sleep in a room that isn’t clean, in sheets that are barely hygienic (I know that have not been washed for weeks) and with dirty laundry piled in piles all around the room. It feels like I’m still living with a smelly horny teenager, when he is allegedly a grown man.
All this is sort of the cherry on top of the cake because I’m the only one that makes sure the apartment is clean, takes care of utilities, got all the furniture in the apartment and takes care of our pets. If I were not there, the whole place would be a giant mess. I pretty much have to do everything because if I ask him to do anything 7 times out of 10 it will neither not be done, half done or so bad I have to do it anyway. If I ask him to clean his dishes, they will somehow turn out greasier then when they were dirty. Weaponized incompetence on a whole other level. I didn’t even make the effort to clean his own pet’s litter box when it reeks, and he knew he was going to bring a girl to hook up later that evening!
When I tried to talk to my brother about how I felt and tried to be supportive he told me he can do whatever he wants and that I have no right to my own opinion. I was just asking him to be more considerate as I live here too. I do not want to control him or force him to grow up or not thinking about the consequences of engaging in full blown hook-up culture.
After he started yelling I told him that if one of these girls ends up pregnant, give him an STD or hurts him he’s on his own. I will also put my foot down and tell him he has to find somewhere else to live, because without my income, he I leave he cannot afford the mortgage.
So, am I the asshole for being frustrated with my brother bringing random girls at our place and telling him off after he started yelling at me?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The reason I might think I might be the A-hole is because I feel I might have overreacted and told him that if he doesnt change his behaviour he will have to find somewhere esle to live. Since, without my income, he cannot afford to live in the appartment.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Your younger brother can have all the consensual sex he wants; that is none of your business. At the same time, he and his sex partners need to keep the noise level to a minimum out of common courtesy. He also needs to do his share of the household duties (cleaning up after himself and his pet). Lecturing him sounds like a waste of time; toss him to the curb or move out yourself ASAP for your sanity. ESH.
NTA You pay for the house and co-own the place. Unlike some other commentors here, I indeed do think in this situation a no sex rule in your shared home isn’t over-reaching, he can get all the sex he wants at these other girls’ places. And yeah, when he gets one of them pregnant, you owe him nothing.
YTA. Your complaints start off somewhat valid – like, yes, its annoying when roommates are loud and don’t clean up right – but you’re definitely judging him on the sex part which is unfair. Unless you feel threatened by these women, your brother has a right to have sexual partners in his home. You can ask him to moderate noise and insist he clean up but buddy, you lose a LOT of the moral high ground here when you assume that your brother is being unsafe and telling him that you’ll kick him out if he gets gonorrhea or if he gets abused by one of his partners?? babe, what?
Also it does sound like you have any right to kick him out of a house that you both coown with your parents. Living with people is hard. set reasonable boundaries, compromise, and stop being a judgmental dick.
You are really judgmental. Your brother gets to have all the consensual sex he wants and if it is a long term relationship or one night stand it is none of your damn business.
However, the real problem here is that you two do not co-habitate well. So- it’s time to tell your parents that you are not spending the next few years cleaning up after your brother like a maid, and you would like them to buy you out of your portion of the apartment so you can purchase one of your own. NTA for that portion of the issue.
NTA. We had a roommate years ago. We owned everything in the house and he simply rented a room. He was given a shelf in the fridge and a cabinet in the kitchen for his food and stuff and a room and bathroom of his own. He wasn’t very clean himself but he wasn’t horrible. His women, on the other hand…he brought hookups home nearly every night – a different woman. I really don’t know how he found some of the women he brought home – I think he worked every week to dig a little deeper to find women at new levels of lows. It was nasty! These women stole from him and from us, ate our food, one brought fleas in, and when he moved out, we discovered that his mattress appeared to have been peed on multiple times and it was infested with bed bugs. I don’t even want to remember what the bathroom was like. By the time we kicked him out, the whole house wreaked badly. We had to have it professionally cleaned and then kept it scrupulously clean afterward but it was never quite the same as it was before we let him move in.
You have a little leverage. He’s already breaking the no hookups rule. His lack of cleanliness will eventually affect the value of the apartment. Tell your parents you want out of the mortgage and see if they will buy you out. Explain to them the problems and let them decide how to proceed. If they want to take over your share and let him continue to live there, they can buy you out. If they prefer to keep a responsible party there to preserve the value of their investment, they will help you either enforce the rules or remove him.