My bestfriend Mike (fake name) is about to be kicked out from his rented house by both his roommates for not paying the last 2 months rent. He lost his job last month and has had issues finding a new one. Mike has been suggesting we move in to a new place together for a while now but because of the eviction, he wants us to plan for it now. Here’s the issue: Mike is unfortunately, a really maladjusted adult.
I feel bad about it because he’s had issues with his family which caused him to move out at 18 and have to try and teach himself life skills they did not. He has some disorders that also make it difficult but he does try. Unfortunately, I can’t really look past the bad life choices he makes and how it would affect me.
I let him down easy in the past, telling him that I don’t think it would be a good idea for our friendship and that I had different plans for the future, but he never seems to let it go and comes up with new reasons we should.
The other day he brought it up again and when I told him it’s not a good idea he got angry and told me that I haven’t actually given him a valid reason as to why and that I’m just afraid to leave my parents. I decided to be honest with him and told him that at his current state I don’t feel comfortable being financially dependent on each other.
Well this made him angrier and he accused me of being a bad friend who thinks I’m better than him, that he helped me through tough times but I can’t do the same before he stormed out. This reached our mutual friends who think I’m not being understanding and a bad friend and now idk what to do.
I have problems empathizing with people so maybe I am being a jerk but I also want to be able to take care of my needs and follow through with my plans, am I being selfish? Should I not have told him why I don’t want to live with him and just made up an excuse? I plan to move out soon so I didn’t want to.
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My bestfriend Mike (fake name) is about to be kicked out from his rented house by both his roommates for not paying the last 2 months rent. He lost his job last month and has had issues finding a new one. Mike has been suggesting we move in to a new place together for a while now but because of the eviction, he wants us to plan for it now. Here’s the issue: Mike is unfortunately, a really maladjusted adult.
I feel bad about it because he’s had issues with his family which caused him to move out at 18 and have to try and teach himself life skills they did not. He has some disorders that also make it difficult but he does try. Unfortunately, I can’t really look past the bad life choices he makes and how it would affect me.
I let him down easy in the past, telling him that I don’t think it would be a good idea for our friendship and that I had different plans for the future, but he never seems to let it go and comes up with new reasons we should.
The other day he brought it up again and when I told him it’s not a good idea he got angry and told me that I haven’t actually given him a valid reason as to why and that I’m just afraid to leave my parents. I decided to be honest with him and told him that at his current state I don’t feel comfortable being financially dependent on each other.
Well this made him angrier and he accused me of being a bad friend who thinks I’m better than him, that he helped me through tough times but I can’t do the same before he stormed out. This reached our mutual friends who think I’m not being understanding and a bad friend and now idk what to do.
I have problems empathizing with people so maybe I am being a jerk but I also want to be able to take care of my needs and follow through with my plans, am I being selfish? Should I not have told him why I don’t want to live with him and just made up an excuse? I plan to move out soon so I didn’t want to.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I was honest with my friend about why I think living with him was a bad idea, alluding to the fact that he’s financially untrustworthy and I don’t want to risk my comfort. 2. I essentially told him that I don’t want to be dragged down from the standard of living I want which I would be with him.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Not the asshole. you are looking out for yourself instead of allowing someone else to use you for their own advancements. your worries are valid and not having sustainability in a shared apartment is extremely difficult to manage
NTA Dont give in. Go with your instinct. My friend of a couple decades just moved out and living together ruined our friendship. They asked for money often, didn’t do their share of house chores, and almost never showered. I had no idea my friend lived like that, and I should have trusted my gut in the beginning and not let them move in with me.
NTA, you don’t have to move in with someone if you don’t want to, that is a crazy thing to expect someone to do, you don’t need to provide a reason since its not his choice to make, its yours. Info: What stuff was he talking about when he said he helped you through tough times?
NTA for sure lol. Easiest NTA I’ve ever given. Dude needs to work his stuff out, it’d be a MASSIVE mistake to move in with him and your mutual friends are dumb for suggesting otherwise
Not the asshole. While it is important to help friends, doing so when it will likely end up hurting you and them is not the way to go. If he is having a hard time finding a job right now, what is to say that he can get one in the next month. Or two. There is also the issue of security deposits on getting a place. At least from my perspective, it seems like he just wants a place to fall back to. He is not able to do a security deposit, pay rent, utilities, buy food, any of the necessary things due to not having a job at the moment. I personally have had a lot of financial problems myself, but I would never put a friend of mine in a spot like that.
You would be stupid to sign a lease with someone who just got evicted for non-payment of rent. If your mutual friends are so concerned about him, they can take the financial risk. NTA.
NTA, but for future reference, you don’t have to entertain the notion that you owe somebody an ironclad explanation they will accept for exactly why you don’t want to move in with them. As you discovered, giving them reasons never really goes well and it’s beside the point. The info your friend needs is that you don’t want to move in with him and you won’t be doing it, and what he does with that information is his own business.
And when he tries to discuss it further, walk away. What is he going to do, bite you?
NTA- Your mutual friends could step up and take on the financial burden of housing Mike if they feel so bad for him. You’re not being a jerk. It’s not selfish to protect your own peace.
NTA and not just no but HELL NO.
Mike is mad because he got thrown out of a living situation for not paying his bills so now he’s mad at you that you won’t give up YOUR living situation so you can come pay his bills for him??!!
That is not a reasonable ask. Helping someone out is giving them a ride to the grocery store or watering their plants when they’re out of town, not CHANGING UP YOUR WHOLE LIFE AND TAKING THEM ON AS AN ADULT DEPENDENT.
It shocks me what people think of as friendship sometimes honestly.
“Tough times” are when you get a cancer diagnosis or even when your car breaks down, it’s not when you totally fail to do the minimum that you have to do to handle your business. The problems he’s facing are due to his own behavior and now he’s mad at you because he figures that rather than expecting himself to work and pay bills, he’ll just get his good buddy OP to do it FOR him.
How dare you not do the things for him that he’s not interested in doing for himself!
OP that’s….not a friend. You should lose his number.
NTA I warn people all the time, good friends don’t always make good housemates. You can be compatible in a social way, but completely incompatible in the intimate way that is living together. Offer to help him find housing or other resources, he needs to be reaching out to employment agencies, and any other free services he might qualify for.