I (20M) was hanging out with my bf (26M) and the topic of ICE came up, and one of our mutual friends said there was a 50k signing bonus. My bf made a joke that he should join ICE, and I joked back that I would break up with him of he did.
The next morning he messaged me telling me that it had hurt his feelings. I told him that it was such a ridiculous situation that wouldn’t happen and that’s why I joked about breaking up over it, but he was really unhappy which makes me question if he actually was considering it? He just graduated and is looking for a job so I guess I was just trying to make my opinion clear on it.
He told me I failed the “would you love me if I was a worm” test but I didn’t want to say why a worm and ICE were different for fear of upsetting him further.
I love him a lot, but in my opinion, ICE is a bunch of racist bullies and thugs, I would never be with someone a part of that. Even if they did the best they could, and treated people fairly and humanely, its part of a system that is racist, inhuman, and unethical in my opinion. It would be breaking my own moral integrity. AITA?
Edit: I wanted to add a bit more context. Firstly, he’s a bit emotional unbalanced right now because his grandmother just died of cancer. Secondly, I’m Canadian and He’s American.
Comments
NTA. I agree. I wouldn’t date an ICEE.
Not the asshole for breaking up with anybody you aren’t married to, ever. Whether you are wrong or right for your thought process doesn’t matter… you have a right to not be with someone.
The “Fuck your feelings” crowd are always such a bunch of snowflakes. Bro, he’s a gay guy joking about joining ICE in this day and age. You didn’t say anything wrong. Don’t let him turn this on you, he’s not the victim here. If he was actually joking, that was in poor taste. If there’s a shred of truth in it, he’s pretty fucked up. NTA
You should text him back and tell him you weren’t actually joking.
Totally NTA. A joke is a joke, but the way he reacted makes me think it hit a little too close to home. You’re not being ridiculous, you’re setting a clear boundary on something you feel strongly about, and that’s what a healthy relationship is all about. It’s better to know now that your morals don’t align than to be blindsided later.
As someone who was deported by ICE (I got in trouble with the law while in the US), honestly people are vilifying people who are just doing their job without cause. Yes, I’m sure there are some jerks that work for ICE. I met one. For the most part all of the ICE officers I met treated me with respect, dignity and compassion. You get back what you put in.
Your boyfriend wouldn’t be a bad person for enforcing the laws in your country.
The people of ICE are enforcing established laws. If you don’t like them, get them changed. Don’t blame the people who are just trying to make a living.
NTA
TAH- read up on what they actually do instead of TikTok news or whatever. Understand that when I go to Europe or whatever I’m only allowed to stay for 3 months and will get deported myself
I mean, a significant disagreement like that might be reason to break up, but if he’s considering it, maybe talk to him about it and try to understand why he’s doing it.
As much as people like to hate ICE, making generalizations like that is usually a bad idea.
Apparently country in the world can enforce immigration laws except the US. Some people are simpletons
NTA, if he can’t respect your boundaries and morals..
Break up now, cuz all ice agents will be in front of a judge one day and it won’t end nicely.
Fascists =/= worms. NTA
NTA. Also that 50k is for returning agents. Lotta dudes signed three year contracts without reading the fine print.
You need to tell him that, “…ICE is a bunch of racist bullies and thugs, and I would never be with someone a part of that.”
Make him know where you stand because he is at the age of being easily influenced and I wouldn’t be surprised if his ‘joke’ was testing the waters. Make your beliefs and intentions known now before it is too late.
You joke about “test” a partner about what they would do if you needed help throwing up or you committed the sin of sharting in bed or something. You ate something they find disgusting.
He “joked” about joining the Gestapo – and I’m not kidding and I don’t think I’m engaging in hyperbole. DJT is forming a police force that is only loyal to him.
It is beyond something to joke about – unless it is making fun of them directly, and those who joined. Those assholes deserve mockery and more.
What have you accomplished or done for others in your life that gives you so much moral outrage and conviction?
nta, also he doesn’t sound like he’s actually joking lmao
You date people so that you can learn who they are. If what you learn teaches you that they do not share your values, you are under no obligation to move forward in a relationship with them.
That’s not what ICE is but breaking up with him doesnt make you the AH. He’ll find better
“would you still love me if I was a member of a fascist secret police force”
NTA.
Your boyfriend needs to read the fine print. The $50k bonus is for returning ICE employees. Though NTA for not wanting to date someone without a moral compass.
I think it’s good you were honest. And if he wants a high paying federal career with a pension and you are just kind of dating but not really sure where yall are going, then he will have the opportunity now to break up before more time passes.
Do him a favor and leave now. Guy wants to send his country and you throw a fit about out it. Like a toddler. That’s exactly what you’ll do when you don’t get your way off he married you
Dump him, he has zero integrity or morals
NTA
You probably should be breaking up with him, though, seriously consider it. Plus, it seems he gets excited by the thought of bringing upheaval and chaos to other people’s lives, so it won’t be long before you’re the new target.
NTAx 1000000x
I could love a worm. I could not love a fascist
I think there are probably a lot of people doing very honorable and necessary work for ICE. But they’re all being tarnished by these masked, jackbooted thugs we see on TV.
NTA. He’s an overly sensitive broflake
OP, do you wish to spend your years tiptoeing around his feelings and compromising your principles for a manipulator? Every day will be his very own pity party and you will have to keep quiet or change to suit his view of how a wife should be. Does that sound like a good time?
NTA. It’s time to go ahead and move on.
Quite the opposite!
You’re the asshole, but for a different reason which is that you believe ICE are a bunch of racist bullies. Hopefully for his sake you do break up with him and the guy can find someone better who doesn’t think that a nation should lose its sovereignty and allow every single person from the third world to come here and live off the taxpayers and make life worse for American citizens.
Why would someone love another if they were a worm? You should question who you are in a relationship with. It’s 50k paid out over 5 years. It’s not a good job and the majority of the people being targeted are not violent criminals and many are being racially profiled leading to the arrests of hard-working citizens. The fact that he would consider something so flagrantly immoral is enough of a reason to ghost him. You do you but he is being manipulative and is not even phased by arresting and deporting the elderly and children.
loving a worm is insane, dumping a guy for getting a job is probably just as insane. sure most ICE agents are ass holes, but if your bf is a decent person wouldn’t he make that agency better? just criticizing ICE does nothing, if more decent people joined maybe it wouldn’t be as bad! your bf may have been thinking that, you told him without asking a single question that you’d break up with him if he did. he told you that hurt his feelings, and still instead of asking a single question, you doubled down. so YTA!
I mean money money the immigrants knew the risk coming illegally now must deal with consequences of not thinking intelligent after all they had four years in the states get citizenship.
NTA. First, the “would you love me if I was a worm” analogy only works in this situation if the worm in question was a particularly nasty infectious parasitic one that generally kills its host. Tell him to kick rocks and have fun in the Schutzstaffel.
Big difference between a worm and a rampaging racist.
NTA – should prob break up with anyway.
Yes
ESH. It sounds like there are more issues than this. Both of you need to pick your battles wisely.
He would be nuts not to, good pay, great benefits , fully indexed pension plan . And he is in law enforcement
Would you love me if I was a worm test?
WTF? No, I wouldn’t love you if you were a worm, because you’d be a WORM!
It’s ok to punch nazis.
NTA
You can love a worm. No one should love an inhumane asshole – and what ICE is doing is inhumane.
No NTA
Ok not sure if this post is real or not.. regardless. Anyone who joins ICE is a POS. If you want to attach yourself to someone like this.. that’s up to you. But being with someone who is willing to assault innocent people, deport kids and separate families just to please a grapist and pdf file … is that what you want for your children? Please keep in mind that history will remember these losers, even if they now think they are invincible
You’re 20! No matter how much you love him, you likely won’t be with him forever. That being said, he sounds like a sensitive baby if that really upset him. AND, if he is upset because he really was serious…you should break up with him immediately!!
He told me I failed the “would you love me if I was a worm.”
Lmao this alone is plenty reason to break up with someone. “Tests” are not part of an adult relationship.
NTA Anyone who supports/joins ICE or MAGA doesn’t deserve happiness.
ICE combats human-trafficking, and catches fugitives on Interpol’s Red Notice.
NTA
But for a side topic, I wonder what the signing conditions are for the 50k? Can a person fake it though and get hired and then get fired and still collect the money?
Everyone has different beliefs. You do not have to explain yourself.
Tell your boyfriend that white gays will be on the list eventually and he won’t be excluded for being “one of the good ones”. NTA and consider if this is worth keeping. He wasn’t joking, OP.
Did you tell him that worms have more emotional capacity than ICE agents? Because no worm that I know would ever be so horrible as those fascists.
I belive you to be complete asshole. But not for not wanting to be with him. If you don’t like what he’s doing, you are under no obligation to continue the relationship. AYTH? Not for not wanting to be with him because he wants to join ICE.
Ice is lower than a worm. They should be treated like the nazis they are. You did the right thing.
No, you’d be a good judge of character with a soul
Wait, there’s a what now?
A racist gay guy, awesome.
NTA – if he was 0.0000000001% serious about joining then he is TA and you are not wrong.
Tell him you would love him if he was a worm that had the same values as you. But no, part of what you love about him is his standards and his values. And if he abandoned them in order to make money off of other people’s misery And enable a fascist regime, you would not be able to love him. Because he wouldn’t be the same person. Does he want to be loved for fake reasons, or for who he is?
Would he expect to still love you if you cheated on him? Tell him you view joining ice as being just as bad as cheating.
NTA. I would even breaking up over him being stupid enough to get into this argument tbh lol
Also, I think he was halfway serious about it. I don’t think it is a hypothetical that would never happen.
Having been in uncomfortable financial positions I interpret this situation as totally different.
It’s not about you OP. This is his financial insecurities eating at him.
I highly doubt he has any interest in ICE, but the separation concept of getting a large sign in bonus when he is searching for work feels good as a concept no matter what the job is and whether he would actually apply.
The concept of that money feels good in his situation and you joking you would breakup is hitting a whole bunch of insecurities even though everything is theoretical.
I don’t think your an asshole but neither is he.
Both of you are having a hard time processing a theoretical situation with literally no basis in reality.
As for breaking up, you never need to be with anyone you don’t want to.
DTMFA
He’s a racist POS
I think if he’s even considering joining ICE, it’s a good enough reason to break up. NTA.
🤣🤣 ICE ICE BABY
Well he will eventually need to know that morals are important to you, better make it known 😉
You gotta be joking right? Its ICE. He’d be out of my life the moment he even suggested it
“would you still love me if I was a worm? but the worm is a fascist pig” doesn’t really work buddy
He thinks he should be able to make changes that negatively affect you and that you should be so in love that you go along with it because it’s him and he’s special.
NTA and it’s not even about ICE for me.
Everyone has their own standards, and If you don’t want to date someone who does job X or Y. You don’t have to.
Maybe you don’t like fast food and think it’s the worst thing on earth so you don’t want to date someone working at McDonald’s, your choice, and no one gets to judge you for it.
NTA. If both his claim and your response were jokes, why is he so upset? More importantly, why did he wait till the next day to tell you he was upset? And tossing in the claim that you ‘failed’ a relationship test is even more aggravating. Tests like that are nine times out of ten traps and doesn’t even apply to something like this.
You two need to sit down and have a talk and make sure he understands how you feel. If that’s a line too far for him, so be it. A major point of dating is to make sure you and your partner click in all the right ways before raising the relationship to a deeper, more entangled level.
You are not an asshole for having your morals. You are an asshole for “joking” about breaking up with him. If you felt the need to joke about that, then you need to reevaluate how to communicate. If what he said bothered you, pull him to the side, ASK if he was joking or not and what his morals are on it and if you dont like the answer, break up with him.
He’s an idiot. He’s actually saying “Would you still love me if I joined ICE?” Like of course not, not for one second.
NTA cause that’s loser behavior
Working for “ICE” doesn’t make you a worm.
NTA for not dating the Gestapo.
Does Canada not have their own form of ice, and not to mention they will turn average people down at the border that are just trying to visit Canada if they don’t think you can support yourself while there and that’s just one reason among many,but the US is wrong for deportation of non citizens who aren’t here legally, make that make sense….
NTA.
To add a little sanity to this thread, his reaction doesn’t mean he’s a closeted homosexual, racist, or a combination thereof. With a 50k signing bonus the joke may have simply been because he thought it was outlandish he would be in that scenario. The joke may not have been about joining ice, the joke may have simply been that it would be absurd for him to join. Only he knows.
While those are possible, because anything is possible, the delay in telling you could also mean he has a fear of abandonment. Emotional response to things that are out of place or too intense are usually indicators of a perceived wound.
You added his grandmother just died, when people die we can feel a strange sense of anger at them for leaving us.
You aren’t in the wrong, but instead of the knee jerk reaction of Redditors, which makes complete sense in such a trying time in our democracy, just talk to him. Open the diet to discussing your values and his values. You may find out you’re incompatible, or that you are Abe it was a soft spot.
It seems like the thought of you leaving him hurt, not that you would leave him is l if he was in ice, if that makes sense.
Relationship tests are stupid.
I’m not even dating him but I will break up with him if he joins ICE