I 23F and my bf 25M have been together for over 7 years, living together for about 5 and are still not married. Last year I told him if we didn’t get married soon I’d leave because I don’t want to be a forever gf especially because when we first started dating getting married was something we both wanted. Yet I feel like waiting over 7 years to know if you wanna marry someone or not is too much. Also keep in mind we have 2 kids together. Which I told him if he never intended to marry me why make a whole life with me. A couple months ago I brought it up again and he said he doesn’t know if he wants to marry me now..and idk what to do or think. I feel so betrayed, hurt and sad because if he doesn’t wanna marry me why not just ends things and not have me here with false hope. Then I also don’t want him to marry me just because I’d say I’ll leave if we don’t. I wanna talk to him about it but he shuts me out and basically says I’m wrong for thinking that..
Edit: Thank you guys for your input if I’m being honest I feel like I already knew the answer but I think I just needed to hear it from someone else because when it comes to speaking to him it feels like I’m going crazy for expressing how I feel. Sadly I have no one else to speak to about this. Also for the ones wondering why I’m still here I wish I could answer but idk myself either. I tell myself it’s for the kids but then ik it would be better for them if I leave. It’s a really hard situation. I have tried to leave many times trust me but I have no fucking idea how I always end up back.
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Wanting clarity about your future isn’t wrong being with someone for 7 years and building a life together without knowing where it’s headed would leave anyone feeling stuck, hurt, and questioning everything.
You’re not wrong for wanting clarity after 7 years, especially since marriage was something you both talked about in the beginning. It sounds like you’ve been really patient and clear about what you want, and it’s fair to expect a straight answer by now. If he keeps shutting you out instead of communicating, that’s a big red flag.
NTA. You’ve made your intentions clear. I’m amazed youve stuck around this long.
You know the wedding is never coming, right? If he’s not sure right now, then he probably won’t be sure in the future. It’s been 7 years and 2 kids down that line. Don’t you think he’s had enough time? You’re good enough to be mother of his kids but not his wife? And trust me, the next girl he ends up in a relationship with, he will marry in a few months. It’s literally always like that.
Even if he did propose, it would be a shut up ring. Please have some self respect and leave!
NTAH— if being honest you should leave now because you already have two kids together he’s jus dragging you and the children along with no future plans of commitment for the entire family; because clearly he is selfish because it’s clear he doesn’t want commitment even if YOU want it only what he wants so take it as a sign that he isn’t the one for you, never repeat yourself more than once to a man who claims to “love you” and do the best by yourself and children
You’re not wrong at all. Seven years, two kids, a whole shared life, if he still “doesn’t know” then thats really just him avoiding commitment. It’s not about forcing him to marry you, it’s about realizing he already made his choice by stringing you along while enjoying all the benefits of a marriage without the responsibility.
Girl, so you’ve been with this guy since you were 16.. Why do you want to marry him? Or do you just want to get married, period? because you will get divorced rather quickly with this approach.
You are not asking for anything outrageous. You’ve already given him years of your life and two children. It sounds like he wants all the benefits of marriage without the responsibility. That’s unfair to you and your kids, and you’re right to feel betrayed.
Damm, you ruined your life
7 years, 2 kids, and a whole life together and he still ‘doesn’t know’??? If he wanted to, he would’ve. You deserve better than waiting forever.
AYTA? Not sure.
Will you save him a bullet if you leave him? Definitively.
Forcing someone to do something isn’t right, no matter what.
At this point you might as well just leave and help him decide because i assure you he is thinking wether to dump you or not.
Why don’t you just propose to him or pick a date to go get a marriage license? See what happens.
Are you actually prepared to leave? Do you have the resources to leave with your kids? If you do then you should probably leave.
NTA. My ex did this to me for 6 years, kept saying “someday” until I realized someday was never coming. I left, and within a year he married the next girl he dated. Some men really just like the comfort of you playing wife without them actually committing.
There are many women in your situation where the bf will not marry. It’s not because they have anything against marriage, it’s because they don’t want to commit to that long term gf. They just stay because it benefits them. Once they find the next best thing, they will leave.
Your bf has two kids with you and are still on the fence. It seems like he doesn’t want to commit.
NTA, but it’s clear what his intentions are.
NTA. He’s strung you along. You set a boundary. Y’all don’t have compatible future goals. Time to move on. He’s just avoiding child support at this point.
Are you trying to get citizenship in a foreign country or something? The two of are basically fucking family anyway. You’ve been together this long without getting married, how the hell is your relationship somehow null and void now? Sounds like you’ve got a good thing and you’re rocking the fucking boat for what?
What state are you in? Some states consider Common Law in place when you are living as a married couple and having two children count. ❣️
I think I have to offer a different perspective here. It’s very clear that to most not marrying means, “He’s still unsure about me, marrying me, and not wanting to be with me even though it’s been 7 years.” And marrying means, “He really wants to be with me forever.” That’s the security you’re after.
But let me ask you this, is really living his whole life with you, sharing the same place, having children, and sleeping everyday on the same bed isn’t the greatest proof of the exact things you’re trying to get a security on? That he really wants to be with you.
Both of you need to communicate exactly what marriage means to you, both of your specific internalization of what that actually entails have to merge together, otherwise, you’re doomed. Because thinking that after the whole life you’ve built together he’s still unsure about you is just poisonous, no matter how strong a relationship is. As of now, both of your ideas about something major are in conflict, and it needs to be resolved, and understood. See his perspective, and communicate yours. Chances are, if well communicated and understood affectionately in a safe space, he will go the marriage route is it has a lot of tangible and financial benefits.
So, you have to know for sure whether he’s really unsure about you and is still on the fence, or this is just residue from a very traditional society where marrying signified the epitome of commitment, and the postponement of it was reserved for non serious flings.
Ok, trying to hold on to “in the beginning we both wanted the same”—you were 16ish. How do you know what you will want as an adult?? I’m shocked when ppl insist on doing it backwards then wonder why it doesn’t work. He has it all right now- why would he want to change it? Theres no incentive. But, if after 7yrs & 2 kids, if he doesn’t know if he wants to marry you- trust. He knows. He just doesn’t want to tell you or lose what he’s got. Although it’s very sweet that you got together so young, it also means that you usually have nothing serious to compare it too. No experience without him (rather it be about boundaries, what you like in general or in bed, what’s acceptable, whatever). A lot of us unfortunately end up in that situation but don’t even know what we missed until we experience it. If he isn’t excited about what the next chapter holds for you as a couple, as a family- he doesn’t deserve you. If he can’t say with pplh absolute certainty that you are the love of his life & he can’t breathe without you in his life- do you really want that??
Not sure why you’d give him 2 kids before the ring but whatever.
Don’t get married you have already made bad decisions by living together and having two kids at the age of 23, get a job, your own money, a license and a car. You’re a sitting duck with no way to support yourself and your children. This guy isn’t going to marry you. You need to become independent or you’re going to get stuck in s cycle of poverty with two kids in tow.
NTA. Never give someone the wife treatment if he doesn’t give you the husband treatment! No living together, no kids, no doing his washing, chores etc. If he wants a wife, make sure he commits first.
You are wasting your time. Either you make peace with always being a girlfriend and stay, or you stop accepting crumbs and leave. Show your kids not to accept disrespect. Regarding the kids, I hope you didn’t give them his surname. Again, unless he’s willing to commit, then the kids should have the mothers surname. If not, now you’ll always have a different surname to your children, as he’s never going to marry you.
Not the AH…I asked my girlfriend of 6 months at 18yrs old if she’d marry me. I just knew she was the one in that moment. We married 2yrs later and still are now after 17yrs, 4 kids. In the meantime her best friend got divorced twice, her older brother once…in both cases long-term boy/girlfriends that were rather short-term spouses.
When you know you know.
Stop waiting for him to marry you or end things with you. You decide what’s best for you and make the decision. You two were very young when this relationship started and you both had 2 kids. As hard as it may be, move on and stop being used by him. NTA
You already gave him kids. You got no leverage
The real question is why did you have two kids?
why did you have kids with this guy that was stupid real stupid and now your stuck grow a spine and say bye so you have a chance of being happy , you do know that you are allowed your chance at happiness
That dude built a whole life intending to marry you and then you made it into the biggest chore there could be. I got married in my early thirties after about 8 years together, and I did it because my wife wanted to to be married and not get married despite not really thinking it was worth the piece of paper. It made her happy and so I agreed on principle but the real sell was her saying we could take half the decisions each for it. Before then though I was not complimentary about the idea and if it was ever insisted upon as a condition of the relationship I would have never done so. It almost proves that your previous relationship wasn’t enough.
It’s the ultimatum without trying to understand his POV that I think grates on me, because otherwise it would be obvious that his change of mind is down to your behaviour. You should ask him what about the process he is worried about and if there’s any way you can reach a compromise. It might just be that you’re not giving him the choice and giving back some control may hint that a future where you’re married is one where he too will get a say.
No dude if going to marry you if you tell him there’s an imminent set of circumstances where you’ll leave him. It would only take a second incidence of something similar and he’d be dealing with a divorce. You only marry someone who wouldn’t leave you easily… YTA.
Did you ever propose? Ultimatums aren’t healthy, you kinda ruined it with that a bit. Anyway, have you ever asked him WHY he doesn’t want to get married?
As for the rest of the comments here, they’re probably right about his intentions, but really, who knows.
I hope you live in a common law marriage state. In a lot of states, if you live together for over two years, you’re basically considered married by the state and can get alimony etc.
Kinda ta for your life choices, but ultimately nta.
Also 18 and 16 is a bit icky (or was it 15?). Red flag on its own.
Wow, is everyone an immature feminist child in this thread? Zero consideration about his feelings or anything. Just judgement and knee-jerk dumbass responses.
You don’t even know the reasons why this guy doesn’t want to get married. OP doesn’t know either. This is not a case of him “not knowing whether he wants to marry you”. Do you guys even know why men get married? Like, the reasons why we do it?
Here, have a watch: https://youtu.be/yQRPkxJbPVk
OP: Watch the video, speak with him honestly, try to understand what are his reservations and especially, where does he want to be in life before he’s ready for this step.
The rest of you: shame on you for trying to nuke a home with children. Do better.
This is the only reason you want to leave him? Is he a good provider? Is he a good Dad? Does he love and treat you well? You didn’t say anything negative about the guy, and you still want to marry him, so he’s marriage material in your eyes still.
You’re literally telling him you’ll leave now if he doesn’t let you take more when you leave him later….. The message he’s hearing is: you’re going to leave him, and even if he gets 50/50 he’ll still pay child support. There’s no upside and tons of downside to getting married if you are the primary provider. All it does is enable the low/no earner to harm the high earner even more for years on end if they split.
And then there’s the children, you’re going to break their home cause you didn’t get a piece of paper signed? Maybe if he saw and felt full commitment, if he felt secure in his relationship with you instead of being threatened with harm to the children and his mental health and parenting time, he wouldn’t have hold-ups.
Nah, YTA
Adding, everyone saying this guy isn’t committed… when he’s been there the whole time and still is. Didn’t sound like he had any thoughts about leaving her. Seems like he is planning on providing for her for the rest of their lives. Sounds like commitment to me.
I know I’m bout to get bashed like crazy, but some will get me 🤷🏻♂️
THIS is the reason why I won’t live with a man. My mother always asked me WHY buy the cow if you can get the milk for free? You have given of yourself, done what you thought you were supposed to do, and he’s still not committing. Don’t break up with him, just get an apartment for yourself and the kids and see how things change when he no longer has access. No one waiting on him and keeping house or cooking. Set him free. If he comes back, his heart is yours. If he doesn’t, it never was.
You’ve committed to him in every way possible and he cannot commit to you. I have a child I have to share custody of for the same reason. It’s not your fault. He’s a coward.
Strategize and exit plan, apply for low income housing. And wait until you get the letter stating that you are up for an apartment. Then leave him. Get your ducks in a row. It’s not difficult to go out on your own. You just have to prepare.
Why is marriage so important to you when it shouldn’t change a single aspect of your relationship?
Is it just the status of it you want? Or the big party?
Why do you think you’re not already in a committed relationship?
Forced marriages don’t end well
NTA, but what do you expect to get from marriage that you don’t already have? There are benefits and drawbacks to marriage, and I think a lot of people get married just because they’re told that it’s some kind of finish line.
For me, the benefits are tax incentives and the ability to see my wife in the hospital if she gets hurt. The second one is the thing I care about. Otherwise, it’s exactly the same as being a boyfriend.
You are definitely NTA for wanting to get married and you probably already have your answer as to whether or not this is going to go the distance. Part of the reason I didn’t move in with anyone before marriage is because I knew I would want to get married and I didn’t want to end up in your situation. I cannot tell you how many people I have known—usually women—who spend YEARS of their lives with people who ultimately are unwilling to get married. If you know you want to get married, it is really unwise to move in with someone without at the very least being engaged. And by engaged I mean you have a ring and a date set and you are planning a wedding. A live-in boyfriend is not as committed to you as a husband. People jump all over me on Reddit when I say that but it’s TRUE. A spouse has taken the extra legal step of commitment while a boyfriend or girlfriend hasn’t. A boyfriend or girlfriend can just leave, a spouse has to go through the process of a divorce.
I bet at 35, you’ll look back at demanding to be married at 23 and shake your head.
“He said he doesn’t know if he wants to marry me”
It’s been 7 years and he still doesn’t know? Girl, you know what that means. You deserve someone who loves you truly, and knows wholeheartedly they want to marry you. Life is too short to be someone’s placeholder. You deserve better than that. The good news is you are still so young and have your whole life ahead of you.
NTA but this isn’t a topic to have lightly. I did this to my fiancée of 14 years. We’ve now been married since May, but it wasn’t an easy conversation. I had proposed less than a year in, and she stalled it until last October. That’s when I’d finally had enough and brought it up, and she started to think on it. Around January is when she finally said let’s do it and I made her do the planning. I said as long as we did a hand fasting ceremony, I was fine.
If he fights you, then leave. It’s not worth it. I stayed as long as I did because of our kids. Don’t stay if there isn’t anything holding you there. Hell, if he doesn’t want to get married just don’t stay. Good luck.
I don’t know why OP is obsessing about marriage when having two kids is a far more important decision.
You might want to check the legal status of Common Law Marriage where you live, because there’s a much easier way to get the ‘marriage’ you want than an ultimatum with no real power behind it.
These are the basic aspects of a common law marriage:
There could be some debate about his ‘intent’ to be married, since he’s so resistant to the idea now, though if he did hold out marriage as a way to get the kids from you, you’d have a pretty decent rebuttal of that — though it’s basically a he said/she said unless you have text messages or the like.
The only thing you’re really lacking is ‘publicly holding yourselves out as married’ bit. So if you’re able to ‘compromise’ with him so that he agrees to ‘present’ yourselves as ‘husband and wife’ in public, in return for no longer pushing for ‘a wedding,’ you’d basically be in a common law marriage. But note: Not all places recognize this sort of thing. Either way, after a few years of ‘being married’ like this, you might be able to get him to see getting a courthouse wedding as no big deal.
You gave him two children and he still doesn’t think you’re worthy of a ring. HE ISN’T WORTHY OF YOU. Leave him and go live by yourself for a while because you don’t need to be in a relationship until you can learn to love yourself. Nta
Leave anyway. You’ve never been an adult.on your own. You deserve growth and space and, eventually, a partner who wants you
NTA
I met my wife when i was 16, we moved in at 21. At some point near there she said ‘just an fyi, take as long as you need for marriage and i promise when i cant wait any longer ill tell you. She never had that talk but then we didnt get married til we were 26ish.
NTAH, but…
If you’re willing to give it all up for a piece of paper that shouldn’t really change anything, you probably shouldn’t marry.
If it’s the label you don’t like (girlfriend), use partner instead. Partner is much better than wife/husband in my opinion, because it’s a declaration every time it’s used, that you choose to share your lives and all the responsibilities etc that comes with it.
If you want to share a last name, do it. Go to the courthouse, file the name change paperwork, and get your name changed.
Other than taxes, I can’t actually think of any good things to come with traditional marriage that you can’t have in a mutual partnership.
There’s a whole world out there with people who aren’t him. It’s a grand thing!
Nope. If you’re in two completely different mindsets about where your relationship is going after 7 years, it’s time to break up. Honestly, even if he proposes out of fear of you dumping him, that’s probably still a bad sign of things to come.
In case it hasn’t been stated, I think you could find some great support from the kind people and previous posts over at r/Waiting_To_Wed
Tell him bye bye. You’ve invested enough.
What’s special about marriage that isn’t already in your relationship? What do you think marriage will bring to the relationship that something else can’t?
If you actually do want to get married out of love and not out of some desire to win a victory over him, ask him what his concerns are regarding marriage and see what can be done to mitigate those concerns. This might involve a prenup or some other sort of agreement.
updateme
honey, you are 23 years old. You’re not an asshole but you’re definitely rushing something that probably won’t be a good time. Waiting seven years is you being with someone since you were 16 years old you don’t even know who you are as a person. you should actually break up and find a purpose beyond getting married.
those kids have his last name and you don’t 😭
I waited 14 years for a ring. If he wanted to, he would give you one, He doesn’t want to honey. Don’t waste your youth.
ESH Don’t have kids when you’re not married! Why would he marry you when you’re already giving him wife benefits?
Just to be clear he knows. He knows he does NOT want to marry you. The only way anything will change is if you leave. Maybe he realizes how good he had it and comes crawling back putting you in a position to make some demands? Maybe he moves on and lets you move on too. But currently he holds allllllll the power and you will never get what you want.
Ya’ll both need to learn how to be adults. Probably apart. You’ve been together since childhood..
INFO: We know he’s says he doesn’t know if he wants to marry you now. Is that the extent of what you know about his thinking. This should be a much longer and detailed conversation. For example, while 7 years is a long time, that clock starting when the couple is 16 and 18 is a bit different than if it were 23 and 25 for example. Of course, having kids cuts the other direction.
I honestly will never get people who get married after saying shit like “we need to get married or I’ll leave”. So now you’re marrying someone who’s only going to do it because you threatened them. Yea, that seems healthy.
If he doesn’t want to marry you, he doesn’t want to marry you, accept it, move on.
OP, you are 23. Please leave and start over! Live your life and be happy!!! You have so much ahead of you!
If you have talked to him multiple times about marriage and he keeps putting it off or saying he doesn’t want to marry you anymore, just cut your losses, babes. He’s stringing you along until he finds someone he deems “better.” Don’t let your boyfriend stop you from finding your husband. ❤️ you deserve to be happy and judging by this post and all the comments you keep writing. It’s clear that this relationship has ran it’s course. Don’t stay because of the kids.
Make your exit plans.
What do you need to get housing by yourself (or with help from family). How can you provide for your kids. Child support. Untangle finam if they are joined. Get your important documents at a secure location. Get the kids documents too. Etc.
I think the bigger question is why have you escalated these other big life steps like kids before the marriage. Nothing wrong with wanting to be married. But regardless of what your dynamic in your relationship is, how good of partners either of you are. There are bigger questions you need to ask at this point. Like “what would getting married at this point even accomplish” or “am i willing to nuke the entire relationship over a lack of marriage when I’ve waited this long” “is it actually that important to me or is it just something younger me wanted but current me isn’t making it a priority” if you are seriously willing to leave the guy over it, by all means go. You should still consider the bigger picture and not just the lack of a ring on your finger.
Why would he marry you? You already had his kids…. How does it benefit him any way to make it legal? Go or stay but you already made it very clear that marriage wasn’t a condition of starting a family. Yta
You’re 23. Crazy person lmao
That was like whiplash!!’
The whole post is “i want to get married and be promised he would marry me”
The update is “I don’t know why I’m still here I’m not happy and he shuts me out”
You really need to work out what you want
Me and my girlfriend are incredibly happy with our newborn. We’re not married either but we plan to before our next child. Our first wasn’t planned but we’ve been together about 9 years before she was born.
We’ve talked about marriage and she’s been really saying a lot now about it while before it was just the usual “do you remember my ring size”. We just don’t have the funds to get married, especially now with an unplanned child!
I honestly don’t know why I typed this it really has nothing to do with your post lmao sorry just being a happy (probably overbearing) dad
Your poor children…
YTA if the marriage is more important than the person, you deserve neither.
Dump him. He is never going to marry you. If marriage is something you want, he isn’t the one. You are NTA.
NTA. 2 kids, and he says that he doesn’t know if he wants to marry you…
You were so young when you met. People grow up they mature it happens. You’re 23 years old move on.
I was going to say YATH because you’re still very young but if yall have kids together.. that’s a little different lol but I’m sorry for your situation. How could he not know?
Some advice the women in my family gave me a long time ago. Don’t get into a relationship until you have dated your partner for at least 3 months. Liars have a hard time carrying the lie for more than 90 days. If he doesn’t love you by the end of the first year, it’s not true love and it’s more of a “learned to love” kind of situation. If he isn’t sure about having a permanent future with you by year 2, he never will be sure. If he hasn’t proposed by year 3, he is never going to. If he hasn’t married you by year 4, he never will. He is just comfortable and sees no reason to change his situation and he especially doesn’t cares about your wants/needs.
Wow, 7 years together and no ring???… maybe it is because the vast majority of those years you guys were literally children. When you are older , you will look back on pushing so hard for marriage at age 23 that you will cringe.
You already had kids before marriage and live together. What’s the point of marriage now? Kind of backwards if you ask me.
Personally I’d try figuring out why you need that validation. So much so that you’re willing to break up the home because of it.
Don’t let people hype you up about being “happy” because when you had kids, their happiness became the most important aspect. If you aren’t in an abusive relationship and he treats you okay then stick it out.
You may be young but you have two kids. If you’re looking to get married then talk to him. There may be relationship issues that both of you need to work on. And don’t think your odds of getting married are better by finding someone else. And before you say, I don’t care about getting married, then why are you leaving in the first place.
OPs trying to speed run a divorce.