I don’t mean to hurt anyone part of the LGBT+ community whatsoever. So, my brother is gay and for several years he’s labelling every single object/action/trend as “gay/lesbian” which I don’t mind but lately he’s labelling a lot and I’m starting to get annoyed because I don’t think everything needs to be labelled. I’m like can’t these shoes just be shoes and not “lesbians shoes”? I tried to talk to him about it and he started to tell me I was invalidating his sexuality and started a whole drama. I don’t want to invalidate him or make him feel bad because I love him and I respect the community but I just can’t understand the need of labelling everyday stuff or objects based on their aesthetic. AITA for asking him to stop? Because I don’t know if it is something generational (I’m gen z, he’s millennial) and I don’t want to hurt his feelings.
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team.
I don’t mean to hurt anyone part of the LGBT+ community whatsoever. So, my brother is gay and for several years he’s labelling every single object/action/trend as “gay/lesbian” which I don’t mind but lately he’s labelling a lot and I’m starting to get annoyed because I don’t think everything needs to be labelled. I’m like can’t these shoes just be shoes and not “lesbians shoes”? I tried to talk to him about it and he started to tell me I was invalidating his sexuality and started a whole drama. I don’t want to invalidate him or make him feel bad because I love him and I respect the community but I just can’t understand the need of labelling everyday stuff or objects based on their aesthetic. AITA for asking him to stop? Because I don’t know if it is something generational (I’m gen z, he’s millennial) and I don’t want to hurt his feelings.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Well I addressed the fact that he was labelling everything from shoes to my make up as “lesbian” and I’m not awkward about it but it is annoying to not be able to wear loafers because he might say something as a joke and label it, I asked him that he should stop because it was getting really annoying to me since I just want to be able to express myself without any judgement or label. I’m straight so idk if saying that kind of stuff might sound homophobic or be invalidating something.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Labels should be about empowerment, not squeezing everything into tiny boxes. Love your bro, but maybe remind him that the whole LGBTQ+ fight is for equality and normalization, not creating more division, ya know? Also, shoes can’t have a sexuality lol. Keep it real, keep it respectful, u good. 👍🏼
Queen millennial here, NTA
im sure he means it as a joke but that would get very annoying very fast!
NTA, Sounds like he hasn’t grown up, it used to be a thing in the late 00’s to call things gay but we all moved on as we grew up.
by we I mean millennials.
NTA, I am part of the community, and I’d understand if it got old. I can see where he’s coming from if it was like a funny thing once in a while, but if you don’t present in the community, you’d have to make him understand that what he’s saying isn’t affirming to who you are, and that should shut it down. It’s like if you pointed out his shoes or outfit and kept saying that’s “so straight” or “the shoes are giving hetero”, ya know? It doesn’t sound right.
Good luck!
Your brother sounds like ‘the only gay in the village’. If you don’t know what that is, then search for it on YouTube. It’s fun. NTA.
NTA. Some people just seem to think that they have to essentially shove such things down everyone else’s throats. With no regard to how it makes them feel. Then they wanna throw a hissy fit when someone disagrees with them.
he’s definitely using labels more like a joke or habit than actual identity markers.
just ask him to chill with it because it’s making you uncomfortable, not invalidating him.
NTA. It’s kind of cute when people occasionally do this just for chuckles, but more than once a week, I’d say it’s excessive. Frankly, it seems like the type of behavior that runs the risk of reinforcing internalized homophobia without meaning to.
im apart of the alphabet mafia community and your brother is being a prick lol. he’s also being a pr!ck by saying youre invalidating his sexuality… he needs to reserve that statement for circumstances that actually call for it.
oh god, he’s the vegan of the group
It sounds like the same as labelling something male/female which people do every day. In fact some entire languages revole around male/female.
I’m gonna say NAH. Strikes me that Gay seems akin to Male. Lesbian seems akin to Female. I also don’t really think its a generational thing. You and your brother could be a decade apart but then you could also be a year or 2 apart. I’d say it’s just a him thing. That said, if it annoys you then you feel how you feel and there’s no harm in letting him know that
That’s some gay shit your bro is doing. Tell it’s okay to be gay but to stop being a weirdo. How old is he? 12 ish I assume..?
Gay guy here. YTA. Let him be, we cannot police ourselves 24/7. Would you tell a black person not to call his friends the N word? So back off unless you specifically are part of the LGBTQ+ and you personally take offence. Everyone is just so sensitive these days
You’re basically being a white person getting offended on behalf of a black person but it’s not AH-ish. NAH.
He’s weaponizing his sexuality
NAH. Okay, so I’m autistic and see this a little differently. While I agree with a lot of people that labels aren’t the end all be all, why does it matter to you? Everyday objects are already labeled, whether silently or out loud, as heteronormative and gendered items. It’s in our faces every day. So what if they want to label things gay or lesbian? I don’t see the problem with normalizing that when we have to deal with the other side in our faces all the time. What specifically bothers you about it? If it really doesn’t matter to you, don’t care about how they label things. Or do you feel that it’s wrong and takes something away from you?
I think you need to go deeper here. Why do they feel the need to do this in the first place? Maybe they feel isolated from other members of the LGBTQ+ and want things in their life that represent themselves. Maybe they feel like you don’t really accept them and are trolling you. Maybe you need to examine why you care about this at all? Maybe you don’t like the LGBTQ+ being shoved in your face all the time, just like some of us hate the heteronormative stuff we have to deal with everyday. Either way, I think this warrants a deeper discussion. Maybe there are some insecurities that both of you have that can be explored. Maybe if you have the deeper conversation, either they will stop doing it all the time or you will find that you don’t really care. Just because someone labels something labels something for themselves, doesn’t mean you have to attribute that same label.
I read a book called The Let Them Theory. I would recommend reading it. Your sibling does this thing? Let Them. Why is it occupying so much of your headspace that you had to post about it? Why are you letting someone else’s behavior that isn’t harmful dictate your own? Sure it may be annoying, but maybe explore why you find it annoying. You might build a better connection with your sibling if you do.
Aesthetic of common objects isn’t sexuality so….
Unless your brother is furniture-sexual I see nothing wrong with asking him to stop stereotyping everything
YTA but not because of your view point particularly more because you are trying to change someone else’s, no matter if it’s stupid or not – trying to control the actions of others is not your job, but also never ends well. You also can’t make someone more or less emotionally mature than they are, each person journey is where it is, and you have to decide if you are willing to tolerate and accept it or not
There is no shame in wearing your lesbian shoes.
They revolve everything around sexuality, you should get used to it.
Just ignore his kooky comments. do you 2 live in the same house?
He’s probably just joking around, why do you care if he calls a shirt gay?
NTA
What he’s doing is harmless but I can see how it qould get annoying after some time. The same joke stops being funny after it’s told too many times.
Real question, why does it bother you? Like really, why?
This is literally just a joke many of us make, it’s really not that serious.
Millennial here with a lesbian daughter. She would call that “cringe”. She also wouldn’t be offended if I asked to alter a few things for me. I think your brother will be cool with it. NTA
I am a little sarcastic, so I would start labeling things hetero – as in “this wine is hetero, do you want it or do want to go pick up a bottle of gay wine”. Or “sorry, this meal is hetero, maybe you could go get a gay burger instead”. “Sorry, this is hetero soap – they didn’t have any gay soap at the store. Will using this cause your hands to become hetero?” I could have a lot of fun with this…NTA.
Nta
It sounds like he is being overdramatic claiming that being asked to stop is “invalidating”, but also it sounds like a harmless joke that could just be ignored. Unless he is using those labels to gatekeep random stuff, who TF cares? It’s probably his way of joking around and amusing himself.
It sounds like it would get old fast, so you telling him to cool-it is understandable, which is why I decided NTA, but also is this really worth the fight it’s apparently turning into?
NTA. Gay millennial here (elder millennial that is). Is he newly out? That sounds like something we’d do when I was younger and still trying to find my identity after coming out. Certainly I still do it to some things, but it’s annoying if everything needs a gay reference. I also wouldn’t think it was so bad until he’s trying to say you’re invalidating him. Girl, please.
I’m also curious what the age gap is. If he’s an older millennial like me, part of it could simply be that we grew up in a time where homophobia was way more prevelant and accepted, and people just weren’t out as they were now especially when younger. So we do feel more of a need to be louder as an act of resistance and activism. Whereas Gen Z came up when it was much more acceptable so they don’t think about it as much – which for the record is exactly what we wanted and worked for – but often the younger folks just don’t understand what it was like and don’t get why we handle certain things the way we do. The exact same can be said about our generation and the ones before us.
Mild ESH. You, for trying to police his speech, and him, for overreacting instead of just telling you no.
soft YTA. he’s probably just joking around. i don’t think it’s a super funny joke, but it’s a joke nonetheless
Never heard of a catty, attention-seeking gay guy before!
Culturally, we’ve gone through a period of incredibly gains in terms of gay rights and acceptance, and this has been very positive. The dark side is that this movement for understanding has also come with an unhealthy dose of societal narcissism. Coming out has changed from something that could have landed you in prison or socially ostracised to something to be celebrated because you are stunning and brave and also very special. It’s not a surprise that many people have really enjoyed that side of it and become almost hooked on the validation to the point of creating identities mostly based on someone’s sexuality, because they come with so many social gains.
Saying that a pair of shoes is lesbian could be just a way to communicate an opinion, like you think they fit the stereotype of what a lesbian woman would wear, but it can also be the umpteenth time a person tries to bring their sexuality into the conversation for external validation. The problem op is that you are going to tell your brother to stop being annoying and, you clearly love them so you don’t want this, they are going to see see it as an attack on their whole personality and life style and feel hurt. Ideally you could explain to your brother that there is no link between the two but good luck having him see it that way