Sorry this is long, but it’s complicated and I really need some perspective.
Twenty five years ago my close friend Clara and her husband James were struggling with infertility Clara couldn’t conceive or use her own eggs She asked me if I would consider carrying a baby for them to use my egg and James’s sperm. I had already had my two kids and was done having children I was hesitant at first but eventually I agreed because I wanted to help my friend become a mother.
Nine months later their daughter Bella was born. From the start Clara and James raised her as their own I’ve always been “Auntie” to her just a close family friend and that’s all she ever knew.
My own kids always knew the truth I never hid it from them. They understood that Bella was biologically related to them and that I had helped my friend start a family. I never told bella anything because I truly didn’t feel it was my place, It was something her parents needed to decide if or when to tell her.
A few weeks ago Bella and her fiancé were at his family’s house and they all did one of those DNA kits for fun. When the results came back Bella saw that she had Cuban and Black ancestry which confused her since she knows both her parents are white. Instead of asking them she used the combination to their safe which she had learned a while back and started going through their personal documents.
She found an old photo of me pregnant in a hospital bed with Clara holding my hand and she also found paperwork about Clara’s infertility. After that she started pulling away especially from Clara and none of us understood why until everything exploded.
My family and I were over at Clara and James’s house helping with wedding prep. At one point Clara and I were in the kitchen talking about my kids and Clara mentioned that I had paid for both of their weddings she wished she could do the same for her daughter. Bella must have overheard because she walked in and suddenly said that I should be paying for her wedding too since she’s also my daughter I was totally thrown off Clara asked what she meant and Bella just snapped She said I was her real mother and accused Clara and James of lying to her. She said she had grown up in a fake home while my kids got the life she was supposed to have she slammed the photo on the table and stormed out with her fiancé.
The next day Clara asked me to come over Bella didn’t want to but showed up later after Clara begged her. She told us about the DNA test and going through the safe and how she felt like this answered something she had always felt deep down. She said she’s always been jealous of my kids not just for their vacations or home life but also because I gave them a good life without anyway hardships. She said she still loves Clara but feels like she never really belonged and now she thinks I’m the missing piece She even called Clara a child snatcher.
That’s when I stepped in I told her she needed to stop talking to Clara like that She turned to me and said you’re my real mother why don’t you love me? I told her as calmly as I could that I was nothing more than an egg donor I told her I love her like a niece and that’s all. Clara is her mother not me I wasn’t the one who raised her I wasn’t there for her childhood Clara was. I never saw her as my daughter because that wasn’t the role I had in her life.
She left again crying and since then has sent me over twenty messages Some are angry and some are pleading. She’s asked me to meet with her and James because she says we’re her real parents. She says she loves Clara but insists she’s always felt a disconnect and that I’m the reason why
Clara and I have been in touch since the blow up and we’re both heartbroken. My husband thinks I should have a one on one with Bella but honestly I feel like there’s nothing left to say. I didn’t raise her Clara did She was always a wonderful mother and up until now she and Bella had a great relationship I don’t know why Bella is spiraling like this. Clara was there for every birthday, every school day, every scraped knee, heartbreak, and milestone. I made peace with my role in Bella’s life a long time ago. I never saw myself as her mother, not because I didn’t care, but because that was never the agreement. I helped a friend become a mother, and I kept that promise.
So AITA?
Comments
real talk Bella needs therapy not closure this ain’t about biology it’s about some deep resentment she’s been sitting on and now she got a reason to unleash it
Sounds like Bella is having an existential crisis
You didn’t abandon her, you honored a promise. But heartbreak makes people rewrite the past when they’re desperate to make sense of it.
Was that even allowed 25 years ago?
Nta- you’ve said your piece and you are being there for your friend. Bella is hurt and confused and your friend and her husband definitely should have told her earlier but that’s on them.
Any one on one contact with you and Bella shouldn’t happen right now while emotions are high and so volatile. But maybe therapy down the road to talk things through with you Bella and Clara?
What you did for your friend was such a selfless giving thing. To have such a friend as you is a rarity.
Sounds so fake, AI welcome to the party
You’re not the asshole. You did exactly what you agreed to 25 years ago. You helped your friend and you stayed in your lane, which is what everyone wanted. Bella is lashing out because she’s hurt & confused, but that doesn’t make you wrong for gently reminding her who raised her.
This is why you don’t lie to children. You tell them the truth from day one.
Lol holy fake story Batman.
NTA. Bella seems to just want money. Although I am curious how she didn’t seem to notice that she wasn’t actually white in all these years. It’s very telling that her first complaint is that OP should pay for her wedding followed by jealousy of OP’s children.
This is what happens when secrets like this is kept quiet, that girl should have been told the truth as soon as she was old enough to understand. You may only be her egg donor but she definitely had the right to know who her biological parents were. Shane on the lot of you.
You weren’t just an egg donor though, were you? You carried that child for 9 months. When she was born, you were her mother. I’m not saying Clara hasn’t been her mother since, but it’s not like life begins at birth. Sometime before that, children start to interact with their surroundings, and they come out recognizing the person who carried them. They respond to that person’s heart beat, smell, and voice. Like it or not, taking a child away from the birth parent is traumatic. No matter that it happened before she was self-aware enough to reflect on it. Adding to that your children are her biological siblings and she has known you. No wonder she is confused. You created this, the least you can do is sit down with her and have a conversation or 20.
ESH-Except for Bella. Do not lie to children.
Updateme!
I’m going to break the mold and say ESH here, but very minorly/gently for all parties. Or maybe it should be NAH.
Clara should have told her the truth a long time ago, or it wouldn’t have gone down like this. I also suspect there’s some other element that makes Bella resentful, but that’s for them to work out in therapy. Seriously, nothing about the secrecy was a good idea.
At 25, Bella should be mature enough to confront everyone about this in a healthier, more mature way. The lashing out and not really listening isn’t cool.
As for you, I think you could have listened to her feelings more and been more gentler/tried to get to the bottom of why she feels how she does. Give some understanding. You’re not wrong for not considering her your daughter and reiterating that Clara is. But, it’s also apparent she is distraught, has a disconnect, and needs answers and someone to listen. Even as an “aunt,” you’re in a position to provide that without stepping into a motherly role. I think it would be good for you to have a one on one with her when emotions are calmer.
She’s hurt, confused, and probably in an existential crisis, and I think you can set boundaries without dismissing her feelings that probably have some basis you’re not aware of.
I truly feel for all of you.
NTA I think what you did for your friend is beautiful and must have been a bit difficult too.
NTA for what you said – but ESH (except Bella) for lying to Bella the entire time. No idea what you all expected to happen, she would have found out sooner or later.
Updateme
Nta your point is valid.
However, you made a choice to help bring her into the world. Though you may have said your piece, Bella needs time and support to process and come to terms with a very big shift in her worldview. Imo, she deserves for you to at least try to show up for her and help her through a spot in her life that all three adults denied her the space to deal with before now.
You may only be her biological mother, yet that is still one of her mothers. You maybe the best person to help her through her confused resentment towards Clara.
Seems like she is resenting the comfortable life your kids have and she wanted the same for herself. Although Clara was doing her best but was not able to give her that life. But still this girl sounds selfish bcz she can leave her mom like that just bcz she is not related by blood
I have a hard time believing that a bunch of people brought a mixed race child into the world and never bothered to tell her why she looked and felt out of place with her white parents. I’ve heard of colorblind but full of delusional? YTA for this story.
Fucking hell you and Clara are handling this horribly.
And where is Bella’s dad in this?
She literally found out, when she’s old enough to have gone through school, college and is getting married and no one told her you were her surrogate?
She definitely needs therapy.
But you all do.
You all handled this horribly and are simply unable to see the child’s perspective.
I think Bella should have talked to her mum (Clara) instead of snooping. She went down the assumption rabbit hole and freaked out. I think all of you need to have deep convo with Bella to explain it all better.
The question is, how would this have been handled if it was a random donor egg? Would she still have this same reaction? Would the parents have told her earlier? It was their choice not to and you can’t take that back now
You weren’t just an egg donor, you were a surrogate. You carried Bella. Your voice was the one she got to know. That can leave an imprint on a child, whether you felt the biological connection or not.
That said, you’re not in the wrong for refusing to take on a label Bella is trying to put on you. You’re not her mother legally, morally or emotionally, and you shouldn’t let her force you into that role unless you want to continue to play that role in the future.
What Bella needs is therapy. She should have been told this early on so the foundation of her identity was settled. Right now, everything she thought she knew has changed, and every tiny resentment she felt now has a tangible reason she can attribute it to. Her complex feelings about this are not something you can fix. It’s something she needs to fix within herself and with her mother.
The fact that she’s demanding money to compensate for how she feels and claiming that she’s been robbed of the life she should have had is even more reason for you to be clear that you will not indulge her at all. The only conversation you should have with her in the future has to be with a therapist, when the therapist thinks she’s ready for it. Otherwise, repeat that you are not her mother, answer any genetic questions she may have, and recommend therapy on repeat.
Did you explain she was conceived through surrogacy? If you didn’t she may be thinking that you were forced to adopt her out or something like that.
The complication is your being both the egg donor and the surrogate it would have been best if the egg donor was anonymous. if Clara hadn’t asked you to carry Bella she would not exist.
nta
She should have been informed, not least because there may be future medical issues that appear and she’ll need to know your medical history.
You’ve all handled this atrociously
And this is why we do need to think about the ethics involving egg or sperm donation and surrogacy (especially this case where donor is also surrogate) because it involves a real person with feelings at the end of it.
Make your choices to not have an abortion or use a donor, but ffs think through what and how your kid will feel growing up and as an adult and not your desires for a kid. If you’re prepared for these outcomes, go right ahead. If you’re not. Rethink and get a lot of counseling first before proceeding.
NTA – you didn’t tell her anything wrong there. But how did Claire screw this up so badly? She should’ve told Bella this years ago. Also, she’s never before questioned how she’s a mixed black/Cuban child born to white parents?
NTA. You were a donor and surrogate. Her parents should have told her long ago. But that isn’t on you. I think you reacted really well and told truth. It may not matter though. Bella is entitled to her feelings even though everyone tried their best. She was lied to her whole life by her parents, biological or otherwise.
Never understood why adopted kids want to meet their bio parents so bad. Only valid reason is for medical history.
Updateme
I mean yes YTA.
You and all the parents here are TA
Add in the racial dynamic that she’s an afro Cuban kid beige raised in a (white?) home.
This is like 25 years of gaslighting a kid, which always could feel was different, but you guys let her think she was crazy when in fact she was right.
You all absolutely suck.
Poor fucking Bella.
every adult inbher life betrayed her, including her “loving aunt”.
she is having an absolutely world changing identity crisis that you all manufactured, and you’re up here asking AITA like there is a moral battle to win???
You all suck except Bella. have some humanity.
I don’t know why anyone expected anything else. Many, many late discovery adoptees are furious, and I don’t see how this is any different.
Her entire concept of self has been a lie. It’s one thing to already know that you don’t know, another thing entirely to have it ripped from you when you thought you did.
And to have other people in the family/friend circle know, when she didn’t? Come on. Imagine it.
She should have been told before she was old enough to truly understand.
They need family counselling, and you need to work on your compassion. It’s lovely that you’re loyal to your bestie, and I’m sure she’s hurting … but it’s not all about her.